Gabe Saporta was born in Montevideo, Uruguay, a tiny wedge of a country between Argentina and Brazil. At age four he immigrated to Queens with dreams of becoming a rockstar. His father, Diego, who had been a doctor in Uruguay, sold scarves on the streets of Manhattan to support his son's habits.
By age twenty, Gabe was well on his way to realizing his dream. In typical rockstar fashion, he crafted existentialist drivel out of his big bag of regurgitated bullshit, developed a messiah complex big enough to house a couple of homeless people, and spread his "gospel" to the four corners of the earth. Also in typical rockstar fashion, he talked a lot of shit, picked fights, and ended up in a bunch of legal battles.
When it finally came crashing down, Gabe found himself lost--living a life without meaning or purpose.
So Gabe headed for the arid wastelands of the Arizona desert to contemplate his existence. In the desert, Gabe spends his days and nights pondering the nature of being, the collective unconscious, the irreducible complexity of bacteria flagellum, and perfecting blue steel--it's more of a softer look; he uses it for footwear.
However, every evening his meditations are interrupted by mysterious lights plaguing the night sky. On one particular such night, the lights are so mesmerizing that Gabe enters into a trance-like state. He becomes catatonic and weightless, so weightless in fact that he begins to levitate. But just as Gabe is beginning to lift off the ground, a cobra lunges from the depths of the darkness and bites him! Bites him right in the fucking neck!
After a week on the brink of death, hallucinating from the venomous bite, he awakes to find the snake with a wet towel in its fangs, patting down Gabe's sweltering forehead.
"Holy shit," Gabe exclaims, "this snake that almost killed me is patting down my forehead
with a moist towelette!"
"Good morning to you too," says the reptile.
"Holy Shit! A talking snake!"
"I am a cobra," corrects the snake, "and the lights that have hounded you night after night are from the starship that brought me here. You see, I have been sent from the future to find you."
"Me?" Gabe asks, flattered and excited at the possibility of validating his existence. "Am I supposed to save the world!?"
"Uh, no," replies the cobra. "Not exactly. You see kid, there is no salvation." The cobra goes on to tell Gabe about the world's final days. Cobras were the only ones who survived.
Shocked by this tale of Armageddon, Gabe finally asks in bewilderment, "then what do you need me from me? What is my destiny?"
"The purpose of your life is to make sure mankind goes out in style."
"How do I do that?"
"By teaching hipsters to not take themselves so seriously and by telling emo kids to stop being pussies. How's that for a start?"