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01/21/09 at 10:24 PM by AbsoluteINK
Author's Note:The following actually started as small bits of writing throughout one of my notebooks. The words were all written between 2002-2005. I noticed one day while flipping through the pages that there were a handful of pieces that had a certain flow to them and when put in a certain order, almost told a story. The beginning and the end were defined; the in-between needed a little something else. At this point, I wrote a few more pieces, inserted them into their proper place in the 'story' and thought I was done. I had written the prologue on the front of this particular notebook after reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and as I was typing these up, I decided I wanted to borrow it from Mr. Eggers and use it as my prologue. I thought it was a great...[read more]
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Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 19.
10:27 PM on 01/21/09
AbsoluteINK
Love Me Some Stories
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This is the complexity we have all known...
10:58 PM on 01/21/09
anamericangod
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This was great.
11:25 PM on 01/21/09
bung
Peel slowly and see
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Thought it was too declarative, the language was very drab and didn't do much in the way of conjuring any spectacular images in my mind, nothing was really looked at or examined in any fresh/creative way--which consequently caused it to be less than insightful. It also suffers dearly from melodrama.
03:24 AM on 01/22/09
richie
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Uhm, I didn't really like it. I think the psychology of the charachters should always be there, but I can't really see anything but some words put toghether to sound good in here. When a tale is in 1st person I think there are many way to get the audience into the main charachter's head, but this didn't happen here.
04:33 AM on 01/22/09
girl afraid
i walk the line.
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the line breaks feel random and don't do anything to move the piece forward. the rhyming in 'chapter xxi' detracts a bit from what the speaker's trying to say -- rhymes like that work in things like songs, but in poetry i think they do more harm than good, really.

the simpler stuff just seems to work better, i think: for example, in 'chapter vii', the first verse does more to move the reader than the last two, just because the final verse kinda hits you over the head with what the poem's supposed to mean. it might just be my personal preference, but when poems are simpler, they become more effective; using lines such as "is this breaking you? / this is not breaking news" (from another piece) don't affect me as a reader like they should because there are a bunch of them all stuck together in the same piece.

all that said i think a few more revisions would do a lot for these. sorry if this sounded overly critical or like i'm trying to be all fancy with the criticism; i just really like poetry/prose and i think this is obviously from the heart, it just gets bogged down a little with witticisms and overly wrought language.
05:21 AM on 01/22/09
meghanlail
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I really enjoyed this.
06:48 AM on 01/22/09
samleigh
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I liked it.
07:06 AM on 01/22/09
MixedwithBlood
i kissed a drunk girl
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i dig
08:35 AM on 01/22/09
mallyland
Graduation: May 23rd
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Great stuff. So many poets either overuse puncuation or don't use it enough, to the point that it doesn't make sense. You used little punctuation AND it made sense. Thank you.
08:49 AM on 01/22/09
midtown4657
Dorsey / Andy
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that felt like an album i want to hear.
09:38 AM on 01/22/09
fashionshowdown
You're so money baby!
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I really liked this. It's making me want to actually type of some of the things I have from notebooks from 6 years ago, seems I don't write much anymore.
09:40 AM on 01/22/09
The Personist
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That was great, and with a little revision could be almost perfect.
10:29 AM on 01/22/09
goldy
dude, i'm epic.
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creatively crazy and enticing. nice.
10:49 AM on 01/22/09
Neptune
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Originally Posted by bung
Thought it was too declarative, the language was very drab and didn't do much in the way of conjuring any spectacular images in my mind, nothing was really looked at or examined in any fresh/creative way--which consequently caused it to be less than insightful. It also suffers dearly from melodrama.
I dont read thigns on this website, but Id bet that would summarize just about anything here.
11:28 AM on 01/22/09
summachick708
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Originally Posted by midtown4657
that felt like an album i want to hear.


I was going to say the same thing. I really enjoyed this, thanks. I liked this line a lot: "you're a bad, bad influence / and everyone's under you / but baby, I'm over you."
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