“I need to get out of the place I‘m in,
Take me to a place where I don‘t know anyone,
And leave me, alone for now.
I‘ve grown sick of every face that I‘ve known.”
--Balance and Composure, “Alone for Now”
There’s a family of four in line in front of me, so I check out the menu. Gee, I could have grease, lard, fat or salad. Salad it is. Oh, and one of those yogurt parfaits. And a large cup of cyanide. Thanks, yes, that will be all. For some reason, I always find myself at McDonald’s when I’m pissed off. Comfort food? Not so much, as eating this stuff makes me sick as hell. Being sick isn’t usually very comforting.
It’s only been four days. I don’t know what my problem is, except that my insecurities are blocking my way, jumping out like toddlers chasing basketballs in a subdivision to make me slam on the brakes for whatever I’m trying to accomplish. It’s my first full day off in almost two weeks. No meetings, no phone calls from my sloppy manager begging me to come cover the shift she forgot about. I cleaned my apartment. I shaved my legs. I took Beckett for a long run. I listened to music. I waited for him. It’s pretty pathetic, but most of my life now is either a. working, b. cleaning up after my dog because I was at work too long, or c. waiting for him.
This is not what I want. I’ve been so good at keeping myself from being attached to others, because the last time I was in a relationship, “burned” does not even cover how I ended up. I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on seeing him. I don’t know how he managed to work his way so deep under my skin, with all of my armor. All I know is that he did, and I don’t like it. No one was ever supposed to have a say in how I felt, ever again. Yet here I am, chowing down on a southwest salad, fuming because once again, I waited for nothing.
I don’t mind that he didn’t come over. I would even go as far as saying that I don’t care. What bothers me is that he is evidently incapable of texting me and saying, “I’m sorry Kelsey, but I won’t be coming over today.” I would even settle for a, “Hey, made plans with another girl who gives better head.” It’d just be nice to know that he’s not coming, so I’m not sitting here waiting for something that’s not going to happen. I told other friends I couldn’t do anything tonight because I had plans with him. If he’d called, I could have saved face a little. Instead, here I am, alone again, with absolutely no plans. Except that I’m going to be sick later, once this salad and dairy products hit me.
“Guess I’ll just look at the clouds!“ What a way to spend my day off. Fuck my life.
(Note: If you haven’t downloaded it yet, you should probably go check out last week’s Free Music Friday and grab Balance and Composure’s I Just Want To Be Pure EP.)