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Happy Stress
07/24/09 at 12:11 PM by cassusriff | Happy stress and anxiety? Is that possible? I’d say so. There are people out there who work 12 hour days and love their job. There are parents (no really, there are) that spend all day with their kids and love it. So I think it’s possible.
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But in the end, it is still stress and anxiety. So with a week to go at the company I’ve been with for over 2 years, I’m starting to feel the anxiety and the stress. But I’m happy. I’m cracking jokes at work, smiling most of the day, brushing off minor setbacks. For example, this morning I was late, I spilled my starbucks as I got out of my car, I had to walk through sprinklers to get into the building, and the phones were busy when I got in. I laughed it off and kept going. That’s very unlike the person I have been in the past.
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The whole prospect of going to UC Davis to finish my degree, to give myself the opportunity to get a degree so I can start an actual career instead of working these entry-level jobs, to finally get a shot at being a ‘real’ college student again (and by ‘real’ college student I mean NOT working more than 20 hours a week and actually staying on campus all day as I go to classes that are actually challenging and exciting) has me very excited.
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But I’ve been here before, obviously I’ve never been this close, but I’ve been here. I went to Arizona State out of high school and I left after a year for so many reasons. The last two years I’ve been working at Blue Shield and going to the four community colleges in this area. I almost went to UC San Diego, I almost went to University of Washington, I planned on moving to LA, I almost joined the Navy. I’ve had a different goal every few months it seems.
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So when I finally got focused and did what was best and most intelligent, I decided to go to UC Davis. I have a great major (Managerial Economics), I got great financial aid (half scholarships and grants, half loans), I figured out a way to graduate in one year instead of two, I found a cheap, efficient, environmentally friendly way to commute (biking and riding the train), and I even managed to find a part time job on campus.
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It all fell into place. It’s all there. It’s all done. In a little over a week I’ll start my summer session there.
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So why the anxiety and stress? Because EVERYTHING is changing. I’ve been trying to get here for three years… and now that it is here I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a certain comfort level being at Blue Shield the last few years and I’m leaving that. I’m challenging myself with the most difficult classes I’ve ever taken and I’m taking a heavier schedule than most students because I’m trying to graduate in one year. I’m switching from driving to biking and using public transit. I’m holding myself to a much stricter budget because I’m not going to be making the same amount of money. It’s all great, but god dammit it is scary.
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I keep waiting for something to fall apart. But it can’t. There will be minor setbacks, there always will be. But I got all the major stuff figured out.
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I don’t know many people who’ve taken as many risks and accepted as many failures and gone through as many changes as I have the last 3 years. This one is major and it is understandable that I’m a bit anxious for it. But shouldn’t I be used to this by now?
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I’m afraid though. It’s why I haven’t bought any school apparel. For every college I almost went to I bought a shot glass, a hoodie, or something with the school’s name and I always ended up not going. I took my bike in for a major tuneup because I fear that it will fall apart on the first day I ride to school. I’m buying my books as early as I can. I’ve budgeted myself out for a whole year. I haven’t officially sent an email to all my friends in the company letting them know that my last day is a week from today (though my notice is in of course). I’m treading carefully. And everyone who is close to me feels the pressure and the anxiety too. They know I’m on the brink of where I’ve wanted to be for years. They know I need this to work and frankly, they do too.
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Here’s to hoping. Here’s to futures and changes. Here’s to a new chapter that truly pays the dividends. | |
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