You know, I've never been officially diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have OCD and some other mental irregularities. Anyone I know would tell you how neat I am and how I get obsessed with planning or organizing.
What I've really noticed is that my OCD is at it's worst when I am very unhappy with myself.
In the last few weeks I've been extremely neurotic, spending hours on useless tasks of organization. I realized that I do these tasks because I'm searching for some success in myself. I do these things because I get a tiny twinge of pride when I finish only to have that good feeling quickly fade away as soon as some other reality hits me.
Let's face it, ever since I took the step towards my dream of graduating college, things haven't gone exactly smoothly. I expected this. I've been through this enough to know that I wouldn't just go to Davis, get straight A's, have no money issues, and be happy all the time. I knew that wouldn't be the case. But it seems like circumstances I never even imagined are getting in the way.
But none of that matters in the long run. I quit my crappy job, I'm at the college I'm going to graduate from, I'm on the way to doing what I want to do. So why am I so sorely searching for success?
Because in my eyes, it has been a while since I've tasted any.
The last time I remember feeling truly successful was when I got my acceptance into the University of Washington School of Business. It wasn't necessarily the acceptance letter (though it definitely helped) as much as it was the essay scores I received on my assessment. I had a perfect score and a 5.5 out of 6 on my two essays that I wrote in an hour and a half without any prior planning or organization. The average scores for admitted students were around the mid 3's. I severely kicked ass on those essays. It made me feel like I knew business and it really made me feel like I could write worth a damn.
Since then? I didn't feel appreciated enough at Blue Shield and my work ethic died. I failed a community college class out of pure hatred for the system. What's funny is that I aced Business Law and failed Weather and Climate, stupid right? Then I got to Davis and absolutely overloaded myself with 4 classes in 6 weeks, a new job, a new area, and a long commute. Safe to say I broke down by the second week, dropped two classes, and only did marginally well in the two I kept. My new job has me feeling very out of place. I feel like my bosses think I'm an idiot and I'm behind because my hours were low in the first few weeks and I haven't been able to really catch up with everything.
I'm burnt out. I've been taking classes for the last two years straight. And what I mean by this is I've taken class during summer semesters, summer quarters, fall semesters, spring semesters, and now my fall quarter is coming up. I've also been working full time through all of this. Some would say that merely surviving all this is success enough, but it's not for me.
Because for all my work, I'm broke now. For all my schooling, I'm struggling to find motivation. For all my hard work, I find myself at square one having to prove myself from the beginning. I'm in a new yard and no one cares where I've been or what I've done. I haven't been feeling the buzz of words float around my head making me want to write. I haven't hummed melodies or sang harmonies in months. I haven't picked up a guitar but once in the last few months. I haven't aced any tests, gotten any employee of the month awards, written a song, written a chapter in my book, or been really recognized for anything. I feel like I've faded and that's not how I roll.
I don't know what, but I need something to be proud of again. I can't feel like a good boyfriend if I'm letting my issues affect the relationship or if I have no money to even treat my girlfriend out to a nice dinner. I can't feel like a good student if I'm barely scraping by. I can't feel like a good writer if I never write. I want the creativity pangs. I want to stop being satisfied with just enough and be satisfied with nothing but the best. That's who I am. That's what I do. I'm ready to hit the ground running.
But what will be my next success? Maybe just writing this blog was...