I used to be a pro at the introspective, self-evaluating blogs.
After the weekend I've had, I've realized that though they were melodramatic and stupid at times, they were therapeutic.
I seem to get caught up in the routine, in the self-deprecation, in the pain. I push people away. I want to be an island. Surely, that means I love myself right? If I don't want to see anyone else and would be perfectly happy alone, that means I am a super confident island.
I like myself enough to spend time with myself. That's new and nice, but it's not enough. Where is my confidence when things go wrong? When the plan fails. And believe me, I've learned enough in the last 3 years to know that the plan rarely ever goes according. You see, I go from these "I'm an island" to "I want to be around people all the time!" moods because of the cycle I create. The cycle is this:
I'm not happy with myself, I write myself off as a lost cause. I find happiness in helping others find their way. If I can get you on the right track, it's osmosis for me. It is vicariously living. Problem is, while I'm helping you, I self-sabotage. I skip a midterm. I don't do my homework. I stay up late and miss work. I get pissed about all this. I'm too hard on myself and get pissed. I become an island and I don't want to see anyone because, "I need to focus on myself" and you are all just distracting me.
Well, enough of that will push away family, friends, and my girlfriend. And when I lose those people, what do I have?
And when there is no escape from yourself, there is no escape. So now it becomes about, "What do I need? What makes me happy?" And it's time to push aside the regard for what others think about it. I don't care if no one reads this blog. I write down my thoughts, I write random poems at 2 in the morning. I like to weave words together to tell stories about myself that I find interesting. This makes me happy.
I love watching sports and looking at stats. I like working out. I like cooking. I like playing video games and listening to music through headphones.
So why don't I do those things anymore?
Well that's the question. And the excuses are plentiful. I can say that I have homework and work and people to see. But the truth is, I can make time for the things that make me happy. Because if I don't do that. Then the people that make me happy will leave. Because no one can be happy with me, if I'm not happy deep down.
Before I can be in a relationship that is meaningful and loving, I have to love myself. It's cliche, but it's true.