|'s Blog|| | |
12/26/09 at 03:24 AM by cassusriff
|I have some tough decisions to make for myself. |
It seems to me that I am on the right track at the very least. Things about me that have plagued my relationships and my view of myself seem to be disappearing.
Anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm self-aware. Self-reparing? That's another story. But the progress is being made. I decided to try therapy for the third time in the last two years. I'm going to focus on anger management. I have other issues like sleeping at bad times, anxiety, possible OCD, and insecurity, but anger has been the biggest and most damaging of my problems. Anger is what has led me to perform poorly in school, alienate my friends, and cause a (hopefully) temporary break with my girlfriend. I can admit that my childhood wasn't easy. I can also admit that the last few years haven't been a walk in the park. But I can't continue to dwell on these experiences and put them all on my shoulder. Because a chip on the shoulder is one thing, but the whole world is another.
Now back to me being self-aware. I am good at it, but not until I've reacted angrily and caused more damage than I ever intended. I need to be able to accept I've done something wrong without beating myself up or finding fault with someone else when it isn't there. If I forget to do something someone asked me to do, it isn't because I have a shitty dad or because that person wasn't clear enough with me. It's because I got my priorities mixed up. Does that mean I'm a completely useless person? No. Does that mean that I messed up on this specific thing. Yes. I need to clarify that in everything I do. Separate the big things from the little things.
I've been much better about this in the last few weeks. But I've been here before and I won't be fooled by my temporary progress. I'm very weary about therapy again but it is something I need. I'm not going to let them say I'm a good kid who is just stressed or accept any pills. They need to get deeper than that. They need to give me exercises and tips on how to control myself when I get these irrational thoughts. I'm paying for this, I want results. I'm sick of living my life like this and sick of pushing people away. I'm sick of having a short fuse. My career is about to begin and I need to be the person I was throughout the holidays. Fun, happy, exciting, smart, well-mannered, outgoing, and loving.
I've seen the person I can be when I'm clicking in the right way. I even find right now, that sitting here with all this Christmas money, I don't feel the urge to buy a bunch of new toys. I want to spend the money wisely, on practical things that I need. And as smart as I have been with money, I have always been a sucker for frivolous spending. But not right now. I'm picky. Maybe I'm just getting more into my major and starting to see the value of opportunity costs and lowering loss margins. Maybe I'm not relying on retail therapy to make myself happy. Because I feel happy, despite some things that are frustrating and confusing and sad right now. I feel content and confident about where I'm heading and what I'm doing right now.
This isn't where I need to be, I know that. Feeling good about myself, not being angry, and spending wisely for a few weeks during break when I've had a lot of time to relax is progress, but it isn't enough. I want to see how I respond to some actual good therapy for once, while I'm interning and taking 5 classes. I want to see what happens when something doesn't go to plan. Will I falter? Well, I don't want to anymore.
2010 is the year of execution. All the pieces are set, so I just need to go and do what I need to do. Nothing else to it. It's simple. I've been through breakdown and rebuilding and reaping some of the benefits of hard work, but now I need to execute and get results. I don't want anything less than that. So I can continue to wax poetic here, but the truth is...
I just have to go and get it. Now.