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rant: old friends, new friends, ever-present self loathing
rant: old friends, new friends, ever-present self loathing
03/03/10 at 10:47 AM by rawspinner
I really don't believe anyone reads this, which isn't me setting this up as a cry for help blog but I've been thinking about how I act around others recently. Ever since our pastor preached about kindness, I've been starting to realize even though I may claim a certain type of lifestyle, my speech at times may not reflect that. My campus fellowship friends are a lot different than my friends in my program of engineering. It's not even swearing that I have a problem with. It's the cynicism and jaded-ness that we share, that makes the occasional (or frequent) biting, sarcastic comment seem like a pressure relief (pun not intended).

Oh, speaking of engineering, I'm totally going to fail this Chemical Reactor Design midterm.

Case in point, I've never cared so much about how I feel about this certain individual in my program and how I talk about him. While it may not be the most hateful stuff, it still might hurt a bit or rub him the wrong way. He started dating this foreign exchange girl this year, though, and I feel like our relationship is then affecting any friendship I can actually have her. I feel like she ignores me and then I desperately make some redeeming remark about her hair or clothes. It's quite pathetic. Especially since I'm not interested in her, I just can't stand people hating me.

What bugs me the most, is that I didn't have the maturity to recognize that this is not how I wanted people to see me as. But some how I let my horrendous program of study wear me down so much I forget to walk in Christ and the Spirit of God.

Then recently this past week a friend who might come visit me this summer commented on my facebook profiles. He mentioned that me starting with, "At the risk of controversial..." was annoying. The whole time though I felt like he was tlaking down to me like I was doing something morally wrong. Even though I could have just brushed this off, it really made me consider how I think abou tmy electronic status updates.

All this is just related to stuff that happened this week that I needed to get out, now two plugs
1) www.freechurch.com: sermon - goodness
2) http://www.billiontyonethgeek.com/

Peace, Love, and Kindness to you for the rest of the week
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