|'s Blog|| | |
08/09/10 at 12:30 AM by anamericangod
|It never fails. You think you've walled off the dangers of the world, turned away most anyone who has the ability to find a way past your defenses. Somebody slips in, eventually, and finds a weak spot. A rogue, trained in the master arts of disappointment and able to tug on heart strings like no other.|
The heart is nothing but a Trojan horse.
After knowing somebody for an extended amount of time and connecting with them on a certain level, you would like to believe that you've left upon them a substantial mark, some kind of impression. You'd like to think that you've instilled in them a sort of inner value, a sense of self worth. The two of you are on the same page.
That isn't how it works. It doesn't work. You can think that you know somebody, you can invest time and effort and words and emotions. We all do. When it comes down to it, these other individuals are the ones in charge of their own decisions and their own lives. They are the actor, the writer, the director.
You can't hold yourself responsible for the shortcomings of other people. You shouldn't.
But when you want nothing but the best for them, how do you not feel any responsibility? How can you not feel like you are the one who has failed in some regard and disappointed them? All of your words and wisdom and the bits and pieces of everything and nothing in between seem to be useless. It's as if it never even happened.
People will fuck up at almost any given opportunity. Maybe that's what human nature is. To fuck up time after time and hope somehow things don't get too out of control.
The logic of analyzing who is responsible for what doesn't matter when you're the one feeling let down. When you have a set of standards that are at a certain level, you try to surround yourself with people who live and react accordingly to those standards. It is difficult, if not borderline impossible to find an ensemble that fits your cast list as ideally as you would prefer. All the world's a stage, but the audition process is a fucking joke.
Somebody once told me that my standards, even as high as they may be, aren't a bad thing. What I needed to work on was becoming more tolerant and accepting of the people, however many billions there are, who fail to meet those standards.
I have yet to do that. I don't know how to, or if I ever will. Or if I even want to.
Get your hopes up. Come back to reality. Put the pieces back together. Try to move on.
If you don't ask for help, if you don't let people know things aren't right, then don't expect things to get better. Very few people can fight those kinds of battles alone and come out better off. Getting out alive is difficult enough, let alone getting out improved. It just doesn't happen.
I don't feel sad for myself anymore.
I feel sad for other people.
The heart is a Trojan horse.
The mind is Stalingrad.