I act as though I don't have a right to feel the way I do. But I have every reason to be hurt. Yesterday was my Mother's birthday so my family went to dinner. As usual, my financial concern with going to school next semester came up and my father said "Don't ever let your circumstances dictate your happiness", but that is, to say the least, impossible. Not only am I unsure about school, but I am unsure about every aspect of life right now. And I know I'm not alone in feeling that way, but it seems like it. I have no one to talk to, no one listens when I talk, they change the subject, they divert their attention, or they don't even bother to ask how I'm doing and I am not the kind of person to just bring to the table all the baggage I've been carrying. I wish I was though.
The other day I was being nosy and went through my boyfriends messages on facebook. I saw that he was flirting with this girl that he used to have sex with. Now, I am not "in love" with my boyfriend, it's only been 2 1/2 months, but I cried because it hurt. For the past year or so, since my last relationship, I've gone in and out of dates/hooking up/faux relationships, and I always end up with the conclusion that I'm not good enough because no one ever wants me to be their girlfriend. So I constantly sit and wonder what I've done wrong and why no one is willing to make the effort. I guess nice girls finish last as well.
As soon as I read the messages I wanted to break up with him but I was seeing him later that day along with other friends, so it didn't seem like the right thing to do. While we were hanging out I told him that I needed to talk to him later...about something bad. That night when I tried to talk to him I broke down and cried and couldn't get any of my words out. We hung up the phone for a bit and I got a call from Travis. I was so suprised that he was concerned but I appreciated it. He got off topic like he always does and started talking about ninja's and whatnot but he also said "you have a lot of unresolved issues...and you don't know how to handle your emotions" and he said that because I crying over something as little as that it showed that I was "innocent and pure at heart". All of which, I find true. Because I have always had the problem of talking things over with the people who hurt me, I've bottled it all in and I don't know how to deal with it and I don't try to fix it.
I need a therapist, to be honest. Paying someone to listen to me get everything off of my chest doesn't seem so bad. It'd probably make me feel a little more at ease with life.
On a semi-brighter note, I think I'm going to get a tattoo for my birthday, it's either going to be "Even shadows have shadows", a reference to a poem/song by Eyedea & Abilities or "Scar Gardens", a reference to a song by Grieves that kills me every time I hear it. Maybe I'll even get my nose pierced, who really gives a fuck though, right?