Another day in the lame life of Shari. Jeez, sometimes I just detest the thought of waking up to another day of lonliness and bullshit. I must sound like the most miserable, ungrateful person. Well, as much as I don't mean to sound that way, I don't doubt it.
Last night I was trying to do a Shakespeare paper that was given to me about two weeks ago. Of course, I waited until the last minute to start it. (Stupid on my part, I know). And ever after I started it, I was bullshitting my time, looking up random things, masturbating, taking a shower, talking to myself in the mirror. Ugh, when I finally decided to seriously sit down and get my work done, it was 11 o' clock and I was beginning to get sleepy. Then my laptop had to be awesome and stop working. Like everything just froze. Regardless of how many times I shut it off and turned it back on, it would freeze in a matter of minutes. I'm sure it's a virus. What sucks is that, the laptop isn't even mine, it's my fathers. He's a professor and the school he works for gave it to him. So, I feel like a selfish piece of shit. I'm pretty sure I know where the virus came from anyway...my Shakespeare paper was about any film adaptation of a Shakespeare play. I went to some shady websites to find a free version of Hamlet by Kenneth Branagh. Such a dumb move...
So once the laptop started being a dick, I shut it off and decided that I'd just to go to the library at school, early as shit, and get it done. Of course my bus is a half hour late, of course! How could it not be! So I get to my school at 9:30, my Shakespeare class is at 10:00. Completely useless. I explained to my Professor what happened, he didn't look happy, I didn't care. I have until tomorrow. Now I'm at the library, working on it. I was supposed to be tutoring some girl at this time though, she hasn't shown up/called/texted me, so I'm assuming she either forgot or just didn't want to show up. Whatever, that's her business.
Back to my paper though! I still haven't seen the Hamlet movie! I won't dare look for a free version on this computer, it'll just end up with a virus as well. And I left the paper with the assignment at home, like a genius. The problem is..my desktop nor the laptop work at home. And I live across town ( I take public transpo), the library closes at 4. Nothing is working in my favor. I really just want to give up. I won't though, I can get this paper down...some how.
And my stomach hurts :[ . I cried this morning. I just got fed up with shit. And I bitched at my mom for no reason when she was tyring to help me. I don't know why I did that. A part of me feels like it's insincere help. Like she's only playing her part as my mom. If that makes sense? I mean, when I try and ask her for advice, she never has anything to say. I don't know if it's because she's as indecisive as I am or if she just doesn't want to help me. I have no clue. But the things she does want to help me with, seem unimportant and so I get angry. I need to stop that though.
I need to take these shoes off too. They fucking choke my feet. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't really talk to anyone about the way I feel about everything. It never seems like anyone wants to listen. I don't blame them. I haven't seen John since when we fucked around. I don't miss him. I've tried texting him a couple times since then, to no avail so I've lost interest. I saw Murphy a couple days ago...last Friday to be exact. He bought me liquor, I got drunk, talked for a bit and then passed out on a nearby mattress for an hour or two and then went home.
I no longer have an interest in intoxication. It's not fun. Or maybe, I'm just doing it with the wrong people. I still think I'm in the wrong place but that shit isn't going to change for another couple years, I assume. Until then, I'll just have to deal with being a loner. Maybe I'll rediscover my love for drugs and alcohol but I doubt it.
I would love to just pay off the rest of my school tuition, have some money in my pocket, go to shows, hang out, volunteer my time somewhere, meet some new people, enjoy myself. I don't know when any of that will take place. I should be more hopeful than I am but that's hard to do.