I let things get the best of me, again. Yesterday, for whatever reason, my hormones were being unusually active and so I was craving some physical attention. I didn't want to ask my ex-boyfriend, sometimes his smell just disgusts me. I didn't want to ask James, because he doesn't make sense and he was macking on my ex-boyfriends sister at the last party I had. So I asked John...nothing ended up happening. He made no effort to even try to get to me. 75% of the time, if he asks for something, I'll give it to him. The one time, well actually the second time, that I initiate the conversation, I don't get anything. Later he texted me and asked if he could sleep over, I told him yes and guess what? He doesn't show up. Multiple times he tells me that he's on his way, so I get all excited and shower and shave and wait...and wait...and wait...until he calls at 2 o' clock to say that he would start on his way over but if I no longer wanted him to stay, it was okay because he could stay at someone else's house. Imagine the look on my face. I gave some weak ass answer, because I felt stupid. I think I said "Alright, I guess you don't have to come then". I should've just hung up. But instead, after we hung up. I turned off my phone and threw it. It's still on the floor. I'm not touching it. No one is going to call me with anything important anyway. I don't want to have band practice with two people that I, currently, have negative feelings towards. It wouldn't be productive and I'd feel awkward.
Last night I had a strange dream. There were a ton of people in it, but the main thing I remember is that Murphy called me and told me that he kind of cheated on me. And I jumped and said "with who!?". I was offended. OFFENDED. Of all people to be offended, it should not be me! Simply because I cheated on him when we were together (which I am no longer cool with the idea of), and I was the one who broke up with him. If anyone shouldn't care, it's me. Even though it was just a dream. I haven't slept with Murphy since October, I'm sure he's had to have had sex with someone else by now.
I tried out for Inertia yesterday. It was intense. I've never done done punk drumming to that extent. I kinda got it...kinda didn't. Overall it wasn't BAD, but it wasn't GOOD either. They didn't tell me whether I'm in or not. I'm assuming I'm not. What does it matter though! Honestly. Nothing would have changed. I probably would have felt cooler though, and that's always a plus.
Yesterday was a fail in a number of ways. Sam and I were supposed to hang out. He invited two other people, and they're all video game nerds. SO THE CONVERSATION WAS ALL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. OH GOD, IT WAS SO FUN -__- . I left. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even fake it. It was just boring. It was irrelevant to my life, and it bored me. I'd rather be alone, so I went home to be alone. Awesome.
And then Eric texted me "blowjob" and I replied with a "lol" and of course he got his panties all in a bunch. Then he texted me that he felt led on, and I haven't hit him up to chill in a while, and we don't talk, so he gives up trying. I tried to ask him if he wanted to hang out like 15 minutes before he sent that text and he said "don't bother now.bye". I didn't answer. I was offended, once again. I don't give a fuck. He's acting like a girl. He's the one always badgering me about getting a blowjob or a double blowjob, and I always laugh it off because I don't WANT TO. It'd be FUCKING AWKWARD. And then he has the nerve to say that I don't hit him up to chill? Well maybe if you FUCKING ASKED HOW I WAS DOING INSTEAD OF HITTING ME UP WITH THAT BLOWJOB BULLSHIT, I'd be more inclined to hang out with you. PLUS. It's fucking cold out all the time and there's nothing to do at either of our houses. And you don't have money. So where are we gonna go? huh? Answer me that. The last time I asked you to run errands with me which was...a week and a half ago...you said "it's too fucking cold outside" and I said "you're right" and that was it. So get the fuck out of my face. I didn't answer. I erased all the messages in my inbox (except for the locked messages, the button to unlock those no longer works so...they'll be there forever).
UGH. I'm not happy. I should be happy. I shouldn't let people bring down my happiness. I need something to be happy about. Should I be happy about the fact that I'm alive? Even though it feels like a gift that I can't take advantage of?
I miss Chris. I hate him. I told the guys from Inertia the whole story about him taking my v-card. I don't think I should have done that. It was stupid. I'm stupid. They probably don't believe me, like Steff said. I have a picture though. I haven't looked at it in a while, I don't plan to. The past is the past. It's just...if I could have sex with anyone...it'd be him. Or even if I could cuddle or just kiss or even hold hands with (his hands are so small), it'd be him. I'm beat. Sooooo sooooo beat.