I kinda hate everything right now, especially myself. I spend so much time inside of my own head, I don't know how to deal with anyone. I'm training to be a student orientation leader at my school, and at lunch yesterday, a young man that I am not particularly fond of sat next to me. After an extensive amount of time and silence passed, he said to me "You know, you're really quiet." I wanted to be the sarcastic eggshell that I am and say "No, I haven't noticed actually", but instead I said, "Yeah, I know." He proceeded to ask me how I expected to be able to speak to the incoming students, if I couldn't speak to the people I was around. I was at a loss. I didn't know how to answer that question. I wanted to say everything under the sun, but I felt much too vulnerable to do so. I just said "It's easier to talk to strangers than it is to talk to the people I'm going to see again." Which is partially true, for me at least. Then he got ridiculous and said "So you're saying that if you go to another country you would take your clothes off and get naked because you would never see those people again?" Essentially, the answer is yes, out of principle alone BUT that's a completely exaggerated example. In a literal sense, no I would not get naked. I rarely get naked when I'm having sex. I don't like my body enough to show it to anybody. I would have liked to express that, but I chose not to and just said yes. The conversation ended there, as it should have because he was being absurd.
The thing is, I felt like I was being attacked. Who are you to point out the way I am, as if it were a problem? I was selected for this training, just as you were, correct? So allow me to do my job. I don't need to having meaningless conversations with you or anyone else. I will be fine all the same without them. In fact, if there's anything that I hate about the majority of people is that they all engage in this practice. What is the point of conversation that has no depth? makes no difference? It's talking for the sake of talking. A butchering of words and their capabilities. After the conversation, I sat around for a few more minutes and then just packed my stuff, left the room, and went to go sit by myself. Yes, I am socially awkward. I'll be the first to admit it, but to sit there and feel as uncomfortable as I did, just didn't make sense so I left. I wanted to go up to the counseling center, just to have someone to talk to...but I chickened out. I'm afraid of so many things, and I can't seem to put my finger on why.
After the incident, the day got progressively worse, although I did see my friend Chris, which is always nice. But since I got the laser hair removal treatment on my neck last week, my neck looks so scarred and filled with pimples so I try to hide it when I talk to people. It makes things so difficult! I have to position my head a certain way, and then try and use my short hair to cover it up. Ugh I just want to be normal. No 19 year old girl should have to go through this. I'm so jealous of the pretty women I meet, that can just be normal and have attractive men swoon after them. I'm always trying to cover my latest skin imperfection; from the hair on my face and face, to huge pimples, to ingrown hairs.
I have single handedly destroyed my natural cycle of hair growth all over my body, in case that wasn't obvious. When I was was younger, I shaved everything because I thought I was hairy and now I truly am hairy. It's a real self esteem downer and it's made me really uncomfortable with certain forms of intimacy. I try to hide it, but it's hard to. And the guy I happen to be dating right now, has been with 8 other women, so he's well aware of what a woman "should" look like and I feel like the ugliest thing he's ever come face to face with. He rarely compliments mean, even though I tell him how attractive he is as much as possible. And yesterday, we were watching Love and Hiphop Atl. and he said "daaaamn, sorry, but daaaamn" about one of the women on the show. My little self esteem bubble shrunk indeed.
After the situation at training, I kept to myself for the remainder of the day with the only exciting thought in my head being about seeing my boyfriend. And when he finally got to my house, he wasn't in a good mood. So, no affection, no attention, and a "daaaamn" about some chick on the tv screen. Man was I feeling awesome. I had felt alone all day, just to feel even more isolated when I saw the only person that I wanted to see.
It just hurts, ya know? Maybe I want too much, but I'm not getting anything near it. It turns out the only reason he came over was to break up the weed we purchased so he could put it into baggies and then he planned to head out. I felt even more insulted, I really just needed a hug...someone to ask how I was doing...but no one did. I went to my roof to cry and clear my head and I went outside of the railing. I told myself, if life REALLY isn't worth it, if you REALLY hate it so much then end it. What do you have to lose? I stood there for a few minutes, just thinking, crying, with my heart racing...was this how it would end? By me giving up and jumping off of my roof?
I stepped back, and went back behind the railing and decided that it was time for me to leave the roof. I went back to my apartment and just went to bed. Now I'm here, the morning after. Soon, I'll be running late for work, but who cares? I'm still as unfulfilled as I was before I went to bed. I hope today will be better.