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This May Be The Year I Disappear
This May Be The Year I Disappear
08/20/12 at 08:37 PM by Jason Tate
I'm sure I'm not the only one that has this vision of walking into an airport, pointing at the board, and just going somewhere and not coming back. Just walking into a new world, a new life, and leaving everything else behind. An inbox would fill, the tweets would cease, and the facebook page would slow to a crawl ... but I'd feel free. The world would keep turning. I'd feel released from the chains of everything I have become, everything I am, and everything I struggle not to be. Truth is I don't know if much would really change. Stresses would return. Hearts would still break. But for a split second I would feel as though the slate was clean. For a moment I'd feel reborn. I could go somewhere where my name isn't associated with a stitched-up heart; I could start new ... pick a name that google's search doesn't want to finish with "is a douchebag." Maybe I could be someone that doesn't deserve that.

Fuck.

I'm struggling. I really am. And the only thing I really know how to do is write. It's the therapy when nothing else works. It's the constant I have. I can go back and look at past entries and remember when I've felt this same way ... and I know that this too shall pass. But then I start clicking "next" and realize that these same words have painted this blog far too many times.

I just can't square this circle.

What if I'm wrong? What if I'm wrong about what I wanted? What if I'm wrong about my expectations? What if ... I hate those two words and every time I type them. I hate the taste they put in my mouth and the way I can't erase them. I feel like so many people think they have me so pegged out ... that they know what they're going to get, that they think I'm a toy they can just wind-up and not worry about ... that I'll always be there and come through in a pinch. I'm the reliable one. The one with the answer for how to make it better, fix it, or save the day. I feel like I can't have an off day, a bad day, or need someone. I keep skinning myself to clothe the rest ... and it's left me cold, bruised, and and no closer to the answers I so desperately seek. Your life is just starting, I was broken when you found me.

I'm marching up to your gates today, to throw my lonely soul away. 'Cause I don't need it, you can take it back.
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