I'm sure I'm not the only one that has this vision of walking into an airport, pointing at the board, and just going somewhere and not coming back. Just walking into a new world, a new life, and leaving everything else behind. An inbox would fill, the tweets would cease, and the facebook page would slow to a crawl ... but I'd feel free. The world would keep turning. I'd feel released from the chains of everything I have become, everything I am, and everything I struggle not to be. Truth is I don't know if much would really change. Stresses would return. Hearts would still break. But for a split second I would feel as though the slate was clean. For a moment I'd feel reborn. I could go somewhere where my name isn't associated with a stitched-up heart; I could start new ... pick a name that google's search doesn't want to finish with "is a douchebag." Maybe I could be someone that doesn't deserve that.
I'm struggling. I really am. And the only thing I really know how to do is write. It's the therapy when nothing else works. It's the constant I have. I can go back and look at past entries and remember when I've felt this same way ... and I know that this too shall pass. But then I start clicking "next" and realize that these same words have painted this blog far too many times.
I just can't square this circle.
What if I'm wrong? What if I'm wrong about what I wanted? What if I'm wrong about my expectations? What if ... I hate those two words and every time I type them. I hate the taste they put in my mouth and the way I can't erase them. I feel like so many people think they have me so pegged out ... that they know what they're going to get, that they think I'm a toy they can just wind-up and not worry about ... that I'll always be there and come through in a pinch. I'm the reliable one. The one with the answer for how to make it better, fix it, or save the day. I feel like I can't have an off day, a bad day, or need someone. I keep skinning myself to clothe the rest ... and it's left me cold, bruised, and and no closer to the answers I so desperately seek. Your life is just starting, I was broken when you found me.
I'm marching up to your gates today, to throw my lonely soul away. 'Cause I don't need it, you can take it back.