I always write in code, always trying to create some kind of gateway, settled outside reality. My mind just wants to be blunt today.I thought of you, wondered how you were and how you carry on in your days. I wondered if there is the possibity of someone else, not thinking to break the ice on comparisons. I think to myself why taking anybody elses advice is more suitable than my own. And than i understand, well that is how come i'm here in the first place. I notice how backwards i am, in that i seek out any reminder of you that i can when the entire world knows forgetting means letting go. I'm a health freak now, working out, eating right, and making record pace in losing weight. But then i consider that all this vanity is misspalced in the fact that in not im attracted to any available options but the option i want which isn't an option at all. I've since moved on from my future thinking when the present day is hard enough. I've thought long and hard about getting a tattoo finally and fully embracing the pain of holding onto something forever. I was thinking Brandnew, my rib, something epic even if it will be my first. I'm adrift but looking for purpose, and maybe im just arming myself for the worse case scenario. I mostly wonder why that last day you were here you were so brash, assured in yourself that it was for the best im sure. But seriously did you not see it all crumbling before you? Did no panic reach your finger tips? Did you have such a painful grip on where you were going that sticking it through was the least of your worries? I contemplate and i contemplate and i contemplate but there is nothing where the words are meant to exit and it backfires and i believe these same words trickle down my cheeks. I don't point fingers while i block out what everyone has already taken down as fact, and i lean away so i can fall into the fictitious.