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Panic! in the Corolla
Panic! in the Corolla
05/13/06 at 12:31 PM by Anton Djamoos
Gather around the campfire boys and girls, Anton has a tale for you. This is a tale of woe, terror, and disaster. Most of all, this is a tale of revenge, and the ability to overcome the hardest of diversities.

Erin and I are driving to get some food or something, I really don't remember because my short term memory was erased from shock and it's a beautiful day...the sun is shining, my windows are down, the music's loud and my car looks like this:

I'm having a good time, probably singing along flawlessly to some Receiving End of Sirens while Erin cringes at my singing. Basically, I'm having a great time. Nothing can go wrong. Until, all of a sudden...

A SPIDER!!! Where the hell did it come from??? I panicked. A friggin spider started crawling along the inside of my windshield and I just froze. It sucked.

So, basically I remained calm and didn't want to say anything about it to Erin because I didn't want the spider to know I was talking about it and have it jump down and crawl all over me. Spiders are notorious for pissing me off and doing exactly what I don't want them to do, so, calmly, I freaked out and started going "ahhhhhh ohhhh my god ohhhhhhh my god....!!!" until she noticed what was going on.

Upon her advice, I pulled over and jumped out of the car and started jumping up and down and shaking my palms like a little girl at a Backstreet Boys concert although this was not an excitable freakout, this was a panicked freak out.

Then I realized, I'm going to have to do something about this. Rather than light my car on fire and get a new one, I was going to have to find some way to rid myself of this spider. It was black. It has spindly legs. It could probably move really fast. Maybe it could jump. I was not happy.

I had a cup in my car because, if you know me, you know that my car is not the most organized thing in the world and I devised a little plan. A scheme to outsmart this spider.

You see, my windows had been opened for a while, so I assume that it had been in my car since New Jersey and had been waiting for me, plotting for the perfect opportunity to crawl in my line of sight just to freak me out. Spiders do that. So, rather than admit defeat, I decided I was going to give him the worst payback possible. I was going to put him in the aforementioned cup and throw him into a shrub.

You may be thinking, "Why didn't you just kill it, Anton?" Oh, you naive reader, that would be too good for this spider. I wanted this spider to suffer, to be humiliated, and to have severe emotional stress. Throwing him into a shrub may not even seem like a punishment, it seems like I'm doing him a favor. Oh, how wrong you are.

As I have illustrated in the picture above, Kutztown and Whitehouse Station are very far apart. "So what, Anton? What does this all mean?" I'll tell you what it means. It means this:

Miles away from family, miles away from friends. Miles away from his old life. Enjoy your new life, spider.

I did not put it out of its misery, I created a whole new misery for it. I threw it in an unknown world to him, miles away from his home and his friends. It's like he's on the island on Lost and the rest of the world is the Dharma Initiative, waiting to screw around with him. Think about the psychological issues this spider will have now. I smile in retrospect, knowing that his giving me minutes of suffering has resulted in him suffering for the rest of his life. Take that, spider. Enjoy your life of loneliness in some stupid bush on the side of a road; I hope a car runs over one of your legs so you're still alive but only have 7 legs so all the other creatures mock you not only for being a loser with no friends but for being a handicapped freak as well.

Anton - 1
Spiders - 0
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