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Welcome Your New IP Address Czar
Welcome Your New IP Address Czar
09/29/08 at 09:23 AM by Adam Pfleider
It's official. USC is knocked out the top five. They should be lower than nine though.

It's also official. The Senate has passed the "illegal downloading" bill. And now we enter the new "drug Czar": the "IP Superhighway Patrolman Czar."

So in the early 70's, former President Nixon decided to crack down on what was killing Americans-- all the hippies and their mounds of acid. What better way to do this than to get the definitive spokesperson on the subject: Elvis!

One of the most famous pictures out of sheer irony is Nixon and Elvis shaking hands, taking down the drug problem like Batman and Robin. In fact though, it was Elvis who volunteered himself to help take down the Hippie movement-- and the Beatles too for some reason.

Many loved Elvis. So I guess the mind set was simple-- If we get Elvis to back our program, maybe the youngens will put down the pills and put out their joints.

Needless to say, that didn't work, and the "drug Czar" still exist as the Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

But if we want to get our youthful computer geeks to stop their illegal downloading, we'll need someone that will stick. Who is our generation's Elvis? Here are my top five candidates to patrol the hyper cable waves with our next President.

1) Thom Yorke - If Yorke told fans to all bend over and moon the person behind them during the ending breakdown of "Idioteque" at a concert, it would be the biggest collective mooning to ever take place. When Yorke speaks, kids will listen, especially the savy ones that didn't pay for In Rainbows and downloaded the back catalog along with the In Rainbows bonus disc a month or so later.

2) Pete Wentz - What Wentz wants, Wentz gets out of 15 to 24 year old scene chicks across the nation, and in other countries as well I would think. Wentz would have the power to make downloading seem uncool enough to even his haters. Wentz also has the resources as an entrepreneur to spread the message through his record company, clothing line, viral marketing, Sidekick picture messages, etc.

3) Jesse Lacey - The man already threw large scale marketing out the window with his band's third release, even as he consistently alienates himself from his fan base, those damn kids are intent on filming and getting their hands on every new song that comes out Lacey's lips. Key here: Lacey strings a simple chord progression together for a few tracks on an unsolicited demo that just "happens" to leak, and that'll be the last song downloaded for a majority of fans for a while.

4) Dave Grohl - Grohl is the fucking man. He's right up there with Rollins to me. I know he has to be like that for all those people who sell-out the Foo Fighters' shows across the nation. When Grohl says stop fucking downloading...You stop downloading!

5) Kanye West - Let's face it, if you don't stop downloading, then the blogs and social commentary won't stop. West will probably make his albums more copyright protected than Fort Knox and just a bit more expensive to prove his point.

The fact is, no matter how powerful you believe a celebrity to be, they don't have the power to stop what made them famous, and what the government is inclined not to be able to figure out.

Just like the failure of the "drug Czar" in the 70's, and the RIAA now, this new outlet is not going to stop fresh minds from figuring out loop holes and side streets to change the distribution model.

The major record companies are just as greedy as the CEO's on Wall Street. They made their bed, and now we're supposed to sleep in it?

It's arrogance and stupidity like this that keeps USC in the Top 10.
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