After tomorrow, I will be a senior at CSUN, OW. I really only ever posted here for 'Dear. Mrs. Rose' blogs. I live in Simi now and visit her grave every chance I get, just a coincidence. If Mr. Rose or anyone affiliated reads this, send me an email at email@example.com. I have gone through hell. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, battled a cancer scare of my own, and gone through so many struggles of life. Everyday is a struggle but I grow everyday as well. I don't know who I will be tomorrow or if I will be here tomorrow but I am happy about who I am. I am thankful for the people that have made me grow. Mrs. Rose is a goddess, so is my mom. My role models have been amazing. They are immortals who will live on forever.
All my life, I have been hearing things said about me that no one wants to hear. The things being said have the same context to them: they are all assumptions. Some are true, but most are not. I question if the new one is; and if it is, I am scared out of my mind. The new assumption that I am hearing is 'that I will die young.'
Whether I like it or not, I have earned this comment. I am always in some form of pain. I have been battling depression and anxiety all of my life, have been battling back pain for the last ten years, have breathing problems, have constant teeth and gum problems, have severely tight light muscles that I am told will snap any minute, among other things. Pain, a constant issue. Whether it is the physical pain that I feel when I wake up in severe back pain and wishing that I didn't have to get up or the mental pain of just wishing that I wont wake up on some days because of my depression. My depression gets that bad.
Lately my pain has been getting worse than normal. I have been peeing blood and am constantly singing songs about how I want to die. Everyday I wake up with a muscle pain or body ache that cries out of a pain pill. Back pain, knotted leg muscles, or the feeling of an old broken bone on a cold day. Life is messed up but it is made worse by the fact that I am holding it in. I hate doctors and every time I tell them that I am in back pain, they seem to think that I am making it up. They prescribe me pain pills as if they are throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. My insurance sucks and I am not interested in waiting in a room for three hours only to be prescribed pain pills that I already have in my medicine cabinet that I didn't use from the last time I was there. I hate going to a therapist because I became romantically involved with my therapist when I was 18. If I tell people my state of mine, they will probably throw me in the mental hospital and I don't want that stigma attached to me.
When I do let out my pain, I get sympathy, am told to go to a hospital, or am told that I bitch too much. Either way, I don't like the result. So lately, I have been trying to just hide it. It is pretty hard because there are days when I am in too much pain to walk.
The stress of all of this is too much. For the most part, it consumes me; but I know that if I let it consume me that I will die young.
I went to the cemetery today where the funeral was. The place-marker is still there honoring her. I don't know what happened to her body and it doesn't bother me. I just want a place to go to honor her and I have that. I didn't attend the burial part of the funeral. I have regrets about that, among other things about how I handled her death. I never went to see her at the hospital.
When I was at the cemetery yesterday, I experienced every emotional possible and broke down. It would have been nothing but I had a friend with me. The cemetery closed at 5pm and we got there at 4:55. It took forever to find the place-marker. I almost gave up then as I was walking to the car, I found it. I broke down completely. I experienced every emotion possible within the minutes I was sitting there.
I almost left without seeing the place marker just like I did at the funeral, was selfish and didnt give all the effort to see her marker just like the hospital days. I thought of everything I did at woodlake.I thought of how I never got a picture with her and me. I wanted to get her jack in the box order and leave it there. I couldnt find a jack in simi near the cemetery so I made the promise that I would buy her order then give it to a homeless guy. (Worked out that I didn't buy it because I had 20 dollars to my name and wouldn't have been able to afford our plans of going to a dinner and a movie after. My friend asked me to take her to simi to meet her friend who is eight months pregnant and I said sure as long as we could stop by the cemetery) Basically the only thing that I didnt regret was that she knew I loved her and I always made a point to tell her how much I appreciated her. (My friend Heather walked around looking at every plot in the radius that I thought it was and didn't see it. We overlooked it big time, probably five times).
(My first trip to the cemetery it was raining and I had no idea where the place marker was. I got lucky and found her really quick. If I broke down then, it was nothing like what happened yesterday.)
Woodlake wasn't as much a huge regret looking back as much as it was my wild years. I did a lot of things I regret but for every regret, I learned two things about life. It was almost like my college days (and now my college days are my work days because I apply myself so hard).
Wow, it has been almost a year since I updated this thing? Some people that I give a shit about read it so I feel like a tool. Well if those people are still around, here is the jist:
- I don't live in Lancaster right now, I live in Canyon Country
- I am in school. Straight A student at antelope valley college. 22 units, although I am taking summer school and am on pace for my first B.
With the MLB trade deadline coming up, all we hear is about people with limited no trade clauses. Well I was thinking about which teams would be on my list.
1. Colorado Rockies
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Tampa Bay Rays
4. San Francisco Giants
5. Florida Marlins
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
7. Kansa City Royals
8. Milwaukee Brewers
9. Seattle Mariners
10. Texas Rangers
Picked Rangers and Mariners because they have long distances to travel. SF because I am a Dodger fan. I don't want to live in Hurricane Country so Rays, Marlins, and Braves were stricken from list. If I was a proffessional player, my goal would be to be a role model; as a role model I would not want to have beer makers on my chest. Pittsburgh and Kansas City were purely for competitive reasons, although I don't go out of my way to cheer for either ever. Colorado for alttude reasons.
1. Denver Nuggets
2. New Orleans Hornets
3. Atlanta Hawks
4. Miami Heat
5. Toronto Raptors
6. Orlando Magic
7. Washington Wizards
8. Portland Trail Blazers
9. Minnesota Timberwolves
10. Utah Jazz
1. Atlanta Thrashers
2. Florida Panthers
3. Colorado Avalanche
4. Nashville Predators
5. St. Louis Blues
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
7. Vancouver Canucks
8. Dallas Stars
No 9 and 10 because I really don't care. Hurricane reasons and divisional travel.
1. New York Giants
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. Indianapolis Colts
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. New Orleans Saints
7. Seattle Seahawks
8. Green Bay Packers
9. Jacksonville Jaguars
Only 9 teams that I wouldn't think about playing for unless I am desperate to stay in the league are above. However if I am good enough to have a no trade clause, I wouldn't have that problem.
It ain't what you eat, but the way you chew it.
My only hope lies in my despair
In war there is no substitute for victory
To appreciate heaven, 'tis good for a man to have some fifteen minutes of hell
Success generally depends on knowing how long it takes to succeed
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average
M. H. Alderson
In order to win you must be prepared to lose sometime. And leave one or two cards showing
The minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have lost.
By indignities men come to dignities
A strong and well-constituted man digests his experiences (deeds and misdeeds all included) just as he digests his meats, even when he has some tough morsels to swallow."
Rge only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary
It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired-you quit when the gorilla is tired.
Facts do not cease because they are ignored
If you don't do it excellently, don't do it at all. Because if it's not excellent, it won't be profitable or fun, and if you're not in business for fun or profit, what the hell are you doing there?
You have to perform at a consistently higher level than other. That's the mark of a true professional.
He who stops being better stops being good
You cannot manage men into battle. You manage things; you lead people
Grace Murray Hopper
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts
He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils
Don't brood on what's past, but don't forget it either
Thomas H. Raddal
Some of us are like wheelbarrows-only useful when pushes, and very easily upset
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his
General George Patton
Fortune favors the bold
Impossible is a word to be foundonly in the dictionary of fools
The uncommitted life isn't worth living
Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds
It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness
I may not be the lion, but it was left to me to giv the lion's roar
A president is constantly on top of events or, if he hesitates, events will soon be on top of him. I never felt that I could let up for a single moment
The privlege of a lifetime is being who you are
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams
Success is never final
Nothing so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
Character is destiny
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before
The first and great commandment is, Don't let them scare you
You've got to sing
Like you don't need the money.
You've got to love
Like you'll never get hurt.
You've got to dance
Like there's nobody watching
You've got to come from the heart
If you want it to work
Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting
You can become a winner only if you are willing to walk over the edge
To be prepared is half the victory
One man with courage makes a majority
You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again, and then losing becomes a habit
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have it
I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest
Fate leads him who follow it, and drags him who resists
While one can never be over the loss of a loved one, I have hit a point where I think that I have let go of Mrs. Rose. For the longest time, I obviously grieved like I wished that she was still alive. While I still wish that she was alive, I am finally ready to live my life without.
What triggered this? Well I had a dream. I had a dream where I was working in her classroom and she told me to go to the teachers lounge to celebrate. There is beer in there. She would not go in with me, and would not be out when I come back. She was telling me to let go.
So I am having a beer. I will never truly get over her. She was like a parent to me. I am letting mrcameronrose.com expire, I am going on my own path.
Look me up on facebook: email is firstname.lastname@example.org That email will probably die but it is my mail account associated with my facebook
I know that it has been forever since I updated this thing. Not sure if I talked about putting my dog but Simba is gone and its been a while. In February I got a girlfriend, in March we broke up. Long story, nutty girl. I have been on a few dates since with other girls. Turns out that I have been dating more than I ever did in Woodland Hills. My dad died 10 days ago. I didn't go to his funeral because it was 900 miles away. Emotions have been running dry. Hope to catch up on this later, I have a massive headache.
Took a big step today. I finally went to mount sinai and saw where Mrs. Rose was laid to rest.
Went to Mrs. Rose's grave in rainy conditions. She didn't have a tombstone so it was really hard to find it. I walked 100 yards in 2 different directions only to realize that by the time I found it, it was one of the closest ones to my car. Despite bing surrounded by buried people, alone, in the rain, and having no idea where to find her: I was completely at peace. I feel guilty for not crying but I kissed her grave, cleaned it, and took a rock that was near it as a souvenir. I am really glad that I went, I wish that I was there more.
I want to make something clear, I lax as hell with my definition of love. I love my friends, I love the people that admire, I love my boss, I love my animals, I love my sisters. Love: admire, worship, will have the person's back, will go above and beyond for that person. I love my brother's teacher because I have a bond with her, I care for her.
Yesterday was Ms. Rodriguez's birthday. So I celebrated it friday. Nick did not go to school that day because of a doctor's appointment. I did at the end of the day. I brought her roses. Yes, even though I have a bond with this great teacher, I still barely know her and took a leap of faith and gave her roses. Time will tell how she responds but it was just me being me.
I am trying my hardest to cope with Mrs. Rose's death and things are really only getting worse. I am using Ms. Rodriguez to be who Mrs. Rose was to me. That is a lot to ask because what Mrs. Rose and I had was such a unique relationship that I don't think anyone will ever understand. Heck, I am not even sure that I do. I was an ex student turned helper when my brother joined her class, then when he moved on to 2nd grade: I did not. In the process, she turned herself into a true member of my family. My half sister who recently connected with tells me that the relationship that I had with Mrs. Rose was like a son to his mother with all of the things that I miss about Mrs. Rose. I knew she was like my mother and towards the end, I was trying to break away from her and move on with my life (professional life, I still loved hanging out with her more than anything. I would have done that every day) like only a son would. Mrs. Rose would also protect me like only a mother would. If I was making a bad decision, she would give me advice and I would act like only a son would: take it into account and then not use it but learn the next time.
If you know me, then you know that one of my trademarks is to wear silicone wristbands. I have them with my animals names on it, deceased and living. I have them because those are my sons and daughters. I got one that has Mrs. Rose's name on it. It is sky blue (only chose that color because I have 6 other colors and didn't want to repeat the color). Whenever I go to Nick's school, I wear it as a reminder because Mrs. Rose is who I am, who I love, and everything that was right with the world.
I haven't updated this thing in a while but I keep meaning to. I keep meaning to do a lot of things but I fail at doing that as well. I would like to say I have an excuse and even though, I have valid reasons for not doing things: I believe that you can't stop yourself from doing anything. I have told myself that I need to do something big/grand before the new year. That could mean many things:
-gambling away the money I have, or doubling it
-moving away from my family
-finishing a script
I read the worst book that I have ever read: Chuck Klosterman's: Killing yourself to live.
I went to the emergency room 10 days ago. It was not fun, I got dropped off and was there on my own. I declined morphine which was a big mistake. When my mom finally got there 4 hours, she talked me into taking morphine. It made me a lot calmer. I had appendecitis, severe dehydration, and the worst bout of constipation that some of the doctors have ever seen. I still feel like shit but not emergency room worthy.
Part of the reason I went to the ER was because I puked all over a cat.
Dr. said that people with my body type get dehydrated more than normal and that I should cut out alcohol and caffeine. I will limit alcohol to special occassions, caffeine will be hard to avoid. I don't like drinking alcohol anyway.
My birthday was on the 6th. I got a box of baseball cards. Pulled a 100 dollar card, nice. I really did have a nice birthday. Hilight of the day was my long lost half sister being the first to wish me a happy birthday.
My mood is fluctuating. It is very frustrating, I go from pissed to wanting to cry to being happy. I think that I am just more depressed than normal. I have had some major change in my life and I need to do some more adjusting. If I didn't know any better, I would think that I was pmsing. I am having stomach cramps and hot flashes on top of this moodiness. I was laughing so hard the other day that I was crying, over a tv show. Sure the show was funny but I can normally control my laughter. Something is up.
I have been going to Ms. Ro.'s class 4 days a week. She is such an amazing person. She is going through a lot right now and I wish I could just give her an everlasting hug.
Thanks to her, I can teach multiplication now. Well, I still can't team how to multiply times a single digit number (8 x 9) but I can teach any kid how to multiply two digit times two digit numbers (23 x 18 as an example).
There is a girl in the class who is brought in by the cops once a week. I have missed it all 5 times but it is the talk of the class. Ms.Ro tells me when it happens.
I probably could write a lot more but I am not. Goodnight.