So tonight/this morning; however you want to look at it, I'm looking back at the few blog posts I made at one point on this board. I'm at one of the happiest points in my life, in college, living my life. As everyone says, these really are the best years of my life.
I look back now at the past posts, where I go on about messed up relationships, and uncertainty about the future. Not only was I uncertain about the future, but I was scared. Scared not only of the future itself, but what I could do to it. What would I do to alter its course from a happy ending, to another sad story that I will inevitably dwell on. Relationships for me were nothing but something for me to get into, then inevitably screw up. How could I be so naive though?
Why did I think that just because I might knock myself off course once, that I was doomed to stay on that path now? All these bumps in the road, ups and downs, and wrong turns, they really mean nothing. They are nothing but the past. I have the power to choose exactly where I want to be, what I want to be, and anything else about my future.
Right now, the future looks bright, no matter what days may come and go where it does not seem so. At the moment I certainly know this. I'm loving life, constantly finding inspiration and happiness everywhere. I've found a girl that I seem to like, and she seems to like me right back. I feel like nothing could go wrong, and that blog entries like the ones in the past will be the last sad ones that I make.
In short, they are nothing but a past to look back on and read. The only things they change are the things I let them change.
As I sit here on Valentine's Day, home alone watching The Wrestler, I can't help but wish that my life was a movie.
For awhile I think I've been living in a bubble where I thought that everything was going perfectly. Except for the fact that I pushed stuff to the back of my head, and on days like this, it's brought forward. Prom is coming up, and I've got 0 idea for a date now. Tonight, the girl I was hoping to start something with basically blew me off. It's the same old story of me talking to a girl early in the day, getting excited for that night, and I never get that call that I've been hoping for all day.
At least if my life was a movie, I'd know in the end for the good guy it would work out, one way or another.
So the girl I kinda hinted to in the last blog and I made plans to hang out on Friday. It's nice to be talking to her after I fucked that up years back. We just kinda said we'd chill and see what happens (not sexually just in general), and then a party came up. Long story short, one of her friends wanted her to go to with her to the party. Whatever, I'll end up with her there. Nah, I didn't meet the requirement of admission to the party...a vagina. I went home, and told her if she didn't wanna stay then to just come over and we'll chill in for the night. Nah, the friend wouldn't have it. Yay beat night for me.
Last night, basically the same thing started. My boy was having party, I told her to come with me, she did this time. She's not a big drinker by any stretch, while me on the other hand...yeah. So she's hanging out around, as I'm quickly drinking myself into a coma. Throughout the night we kept catching those awkward glances at each other so I'm hoping that means something. I fucked up last night though just cause I kept drinking and not really paying much attention to her, while this other dude did his thing ALL NIGHT, but whatever I had fun while he talked all night.
It's funny how everything I wanted before, ended up being the same shit that I don't want now. And everything that I didn't want before, is exactly everything I want now.
Go back a year or two, and remember how it got this way, why I made those choices, and why I pushed her aside. I guess she's called "The one that got away"...unless there is something left to salvage.
Is it possible to revert back to your previous self, and forget everything in between. Could it fix anything I've done wrong? Would I really even want to do that?
Maybe I don't even have any control over who I am and what I do. Maybe I'm just on a crash course, or at least it seems.
All these things I want answered. Would those same answers do any good though? Maybe there is just one question for me to answer myself.
Do I pick up from here and take control? Take myself to that place I want to be. Or do I sit back and let that place come to me, for fear that taking the reigns will only push that place away further then I already have...