I feel like I’m dying on the inside. Like I can never get wherever I want to be; just when I think I’m there, I only look in the mirror and reflect and just see that I’ve only taken a few steps rather ran the few miles that I needed. What is this? Why do I mistake my length? Is there some illusion that I can’t see past till I get hurt?
My life is frustrating, everyone’s is. I know there are many worse things out there, but mine gets pretty fucking bad. It has its ups but definitely has the downs [more like endless- pitfalls].
I have a supportive boyfriend, some good distant friends[yeah being distant is a good thing *sarcastic*… no, not with kaira] , and a family. My family is broken; but it’s good enough for me. My mother is single [has been since I was three years old] and my sister is an influenced 15 year old. I am only months away before becoming a legal adult, yet I still feel very young to be considered anything of the sort. I just want my sister home and not all over the place.
She has this friend who persuades her mind, and totally changes her personatliy. My sister is beautiful, sweet, smart, caring and understanding, then this “bff” of her’s comes around and just, fuck ! she totally fucks her up! Gets her into drinking, pot, and driving while doing both with older boys. YOU KNOW !? she used to look up to me! But no, I’m not cool enough! I know I’m not into “Hollister” I don’t make many bad choices [one, but that’s a BIG secret which I wish NEVER happened] I am not “popular”… I mean common ..
I’m in choir, and I gush over it.
I only pay attention to where my career is going
And I don’t live for the moment
[constant planning!!! I just feel like I don’t even know if im living im planning so fucking much]
I just want success!!!
And I do what I’m told. I don’t get into trouble (ever!!) … so what? I guess im not mentor material, but this other girlfriend of her’s is?
Yes okay, I give the benefit that this other girl went what Kayla and I went through. This friend of hers, there parent is dying of cancer… probably within the week, yes I totally understand that!
But this friend doesn’t care! She is all “gimme!” and no “give” a spoiled, sycotic little brat who text text texts away… and doesn’t give a shit about anything except herself
Though she may seem like she cares about other people, she only uses her friends to get pot, drunk, rides and meaningless boyfriends. This girl gets my sister “douchefaced” boyfriends. Just because he is cute!! DOES NOT MEAN HE ISNT A DOUCHEFACE! ! fricken stoned skaters.
Yeah sorry… I’m angsty. But whythe fuck not!! The one person my father told me to protect, isn’t protected. I’m my father’s death bed, my dad told me to take care of Kayla and my little brother, and …
I just *tear*
Im not doing that…
I focus on my own career so much, that I just don’t notice her changing. I don’t regard it, and I guess I need to spend time with her more. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just need to make time for her more, because then she doesn’t have to go looking for no good friends and I can help that thing she needs help with.
Kayla has been getting in trouble, sneaking out. My mom is only one person and its hard to discipline someone when you can’t bar the doors or have someone else to watch them 24/7. So Kayla and her rebelling just doesn’t help anything, and she can’t seem to understand that (because of this friend). If it wasn’t for Kayla’s “BFF” then she wouldn’t be in the mess, and she would be at school right now, safe.
She ran away last night, she is supposed to be grounded and she didn’t come home at all. She isn’t even at school. I talked to the guidance councelor, and she is absent. We supposed to file a police report to get her picked up and safely brought back home.
It just hurts… It really really does…
There is so much more to say...but I just can’t take it right now
My heart is in my gut and I feel a lump in my throat trying to convince the tears to fall from my eyes.
I don’t know whether to be angry at her or not.