But we tend to cause some of those changes. Whether they may be good or bad, we never know until we've traveled far enough out to look back.
I miss you already. I looked up to you in so many ways. My heart is breaking without you. But there's still hope you'll see the error in your ways. I'll be waiting for the day in which you decide to change for the best.
I'll be right here where you left me Dad. Hurry back.
(So I know I've been pretty nonexistent on this site for a while now. I do comment here and there on a couple of news posts and whatnot but I haven't been as active as I would like to be. But there's just so much crap in my life right now.)
At times, it's unbearable to watch someone you love turn their back on you. I've had this happen 3 times in the past month alone. I've always thought I knew the definition of a "rough patch" but you can't truly understand something unless you go through it.
Hearing someone from your own family tell you that they don't want anything to do with you anymore hurts more than a hit to the face.
Seeing your best friend completely walk out of your life leaves you with an empty feeling inside.
And getting thrown to the wolves for a mistake that shouldn't have happened by a friend, in a time of need has been the final blow for me.
I won't try to get into details because I'm ready for this to just be over with. Bringin' crap back up won't let me move on. I know this is a stupid blog post but I need to vent somewhere. I need to say something because no one in my life is willing to listen. I just have one person that hasn't let me down and has been there for me. And I met her on this site. You know who you are, and I love you for being there for me.
I'm hurting right now. But I'm gonna continue to be positive about things. Attitude is everything and I won't let this bring me down completely. I've gotta overcome to make things better.
You try to sit still but there's no way you can control yourself. You start fiddling with your phone, trying to distract yourself from all the questions filling your mind. It's no use. You can read the same line over and over again but it has no meaning. You just want to focus on getting answers and getting results.
And after sitting in a hospital room by your mother's side for 8 hours, the only thing you really want is someone to tell you it's time to go. But what do you have to look forward to when you get back home? Nothing but more arguments, threats, lies and disappointment. Nobody deserves that, especially someone who's suffering as much as your own mother...
So maybe all this waiting is a good thing after all. The longer you wait, the farther away all those horrible moments will remain. You can't just run away from your life, you have to face it head-on. But if you stall, who says things can't turn out a different way? Maybe it will give others time to clear their heads, to think about what they have to lose.
Patience. It really is a virtue. I'm not saying I'm the most level-headed person in this situation, but I know what I want...
I want out. I want her to be healthy. I want peace between everyone in my family. I want forgiveness.
But I never get what I want. And I don't think I ever will...
It's got to be one the most hardest things to go through, watching a marriage fall apart. I would imagine it being one hundred times much harder if it was your own. But on some level, I guess I can say that I know how that feels.
I'm witnessing my parents' marriage begin to crumble right before my eyes and there's no words that I can say to change things. There's not a damn thing that I can do to make them realize that it's still worth it to keep going. But you can't force two pieces of a puzzle to go together if they're completely different. Maybe they weren't so different at first, but over time they've changed their form and become selfish in their own way. It's hard to deal with and even harder to take it all in.
Hearing my dad say that he wants to walk out of my life hurts, and the only consolation that he can give me is that he'll always be there for me when I need him fails to actually console. Watching my mom go crazy with jealousy drives me mad. She's emotionally unstable, she suffers from so much emotional trauma that all she really needs is to seek psychiatric help. But there's nothing I can do for either of them.
I have to learn to watch over my brothers and learn to fend for myself. And I'm not ready for it at all. I'm not a substitute parent. I'm barely the man I pretend to be. I can't deal with all this weight pressed on top of me...
I write all this with such a heavy heart but a hopeful mind. I don't want either to leave but I can't stop them if they do. I just ask for a compromise between them for the sake of my brothers.
Hopefully this new City & Colour albums helps to relax me. Because right now, I am in my own little hell.
You just keep asking me what's wrong. As if I could ever have a problem being alone with you. Everything else in the world doesn't matter when I have you all to myself.
When I came out with the truth of how I felt about your situation, I held back my personal feelings. That was the mature thing to do, I didn't want to make things about me. But now, I wish I could go back to that moment, repeat every word the way I did but finish off with what my heart's telling me to tell you. Fuck maturity, how am I supposed to know something was a mistake unless I do it?
But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't. I want to tell you in my own time, in my own way.
Everything you do, every word you say, you just leave me second guessing everything. I begin to wonder how I would fit into your life. And I begin to drift off...
Only coming back to reality when you ask me what's wrong again.
"There's nothing wrong. Everything's gonna be alright."
I've had a horrible day. One filled with mood swings, desperation and ultimately a day that left me feeling so unsatisfied with who I am. Who I've been up until now.
God knows there are only a handful of things that can break my spirit. I consider myself to be pretty optimistic, despite past experiences I try to forget. I may not know what I'm getting into but I know that if I keep a positive attitude, I can overcome whatever obstacle I come across (believe me, I know how cliche that sounds). So, whenever one of those things makes an unprecedented appearance in my life, I'm left feeling anxious.
Today, I visited a place that for so long had been the one place where I thought I could actually belong in. Somewhere that I had assured myself would hold the future for me. But since it had been quite a while since my last visit, it hadn't hit me that I wouldn't feel right in this place anymore. This one specific place brought my whole life to a halt. For a moment, time paused and all these feelings of insecurity began to rush in. I couldn't breathe right, my eyes were glued to the floor, beginning to hint at a couple of tears. My chest swelled up and my exhales were heavy enough to help me realize how empty I was feeling as soon as I let them out. But I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't let anyone know how terrible I was feeling.
Instead, I kept to myself and tried to shrug all these feelings off. But I was having such an internal struggle, that it became obvious to everyone how uncomfortable I was. And as usual, feelings don't mean shit to those who are self-involved. Everyone in this place, had such a pleasant smile. I tried to make myself believe that they were faking how happy they all looked. But you can't fake smiles that big. This place gave their lives meaning, it gave them satisfaction. They were truly satisfied with their lives. It was me who wasn't satisfied with my life. I tried so hard to convince myself how good I have it, but you just can't fake smiles that big.
Yes, I'm unsatisfied with how I'm living my life. I'm unhappy in this town. I'm surrounded by people who have no purpose or give any meaning to their lives. Which results in everyone following in their example. But that's not me, I can't see myself being that way. I can't see myself being the father to children at the age of 20, juggling school and work along with that "family". I can't see myself being locked up in the house of my friend, smoking the life out of my lungs and conforming to my mediocrity. I need to get the hell out of here. I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of everyone around me and I'm sick of my excuses.
I'm stopping to catch my breath, but I'm not done running. I'm gonna keep at it, I'm gonna see myself out of this place. Time doesn't matter to me, what matters is that I reach my destination. If I can still see everyone who's advanced in life, that means there's a chance I can catch up. Fuck my lungs giving out, fuck my legs cramping up, fuck everyone in the sidelines giving me that look of disappointment. I'm out here breaking my back but it's not so you can criticize me.
One day, I'll come back to this place. Take a deep breath in, smile to a stranger and be on my way. Because I will make this place my home.
Lately it seems that Twitter has been messing with my head. My follower count keeps jumping rope with the numbers 43 - 47, but that's besides the point of this post. I just wanted to post my Twitter in case anyone reading this wants to follow me. I will follow back of course. So yea, that's pretty much it. My twitter: http://twitter.com/emerxyz
P.S. Life just sucks, I've lost the one. I'm giving up, she found someone. There's plenty more, girls are such a drag.
I have no filter when I speak. I have no limit to what I'll say. I have no way of knowing I've gone too far until someone points the line out to me. But c'mon, you can't sit here and tell that me you were gonna keep messing with my head and expect to hear nothing from me! What I said isn't even as harsh as to what I was thinking.
You're a terrible friend, you play too much with a guy's emotions and worst of all you don't feel sorry for it. You act like everything's fine and nothing has happened. But you must not know me all too well. I'll call you out on your crap when no one else will.
Why are these days going by so fast? It seems like just yesterday I was in the bathroom of a venue texting you to wish you a happy new year. Here I am, almost three months later, with my phone in one hand and doubt in the other.
Where am I gonna be in six months? I have no idea. I honestly don't know how to make sure my future is stable. With my mom being diagnosed with all these diseases, I don't want to think about the future. I dreamt last night that she had died and that my brother had committed suicide because of it. It freaked me out, I'm not gonna lie. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart and teary eyed.
Everything around me just needs to slow down. I want to appreciate everything for what it has to offer. Give me time.