I got a photo shoot Friday. Pretty stoked. Might be shooting my friend's bands show again Saturday night, we'll see. I have a lot more plans with a lot of things that I'm trying to make happen right now too.
"call-in's" are stupid... why not just put me on the damn schedule and let me work? why call in two hours before to be told "nah, you don't gotta come in today" more then half the time? stuuuuupid.
I mean really, what a stupid idea.
I hate when people promise one thing and turn around on you and do the complete opposite. I get that you can't always do what you say or want --- but at least try..... Maybe?
The fight never ends, but I can't lie - I am getting tired.
I am so sick of worrying about money, how much to take out of my checks and save. How much to put in my pocket for stuff. Then the constant of my life randomly going to hell and not having the money to fix it.
Like my front bumper has been duct taped since December....
Its stresses me out to no end. I don't even make that much money right now. I'm glad I at least have SOME money coming in weekly.
But I'm going as far as trying to sell any art or find clients (which ultimately I wanna do with my life) However there's so much going on in my life and around me that I am taking on too much and doing all of it for so much more.
I miss being a kid when things were simple. And money was just that - green paper that could be wasted on anything like gum or something dumb and simple but would keep me occupied for days. or weeks even. But its turned into the constant stress of this has to be saved, I need to get this, I can't work here because I have to buy a whole new wardrobe, my car broke, cigarettes cost an arm and a leg, my car broke again, gas is up and down up and down but I can't get anywhere with it.
Why did I screw up my life when I was first getting out of high school? I should have been smarter with everything and not went down those roads... I should have learned how to save a long time ago.
My head is running miles again. Whenever I have too much down time the result is always the same - running in laps around stupid things. I put too much effort and thought into things that don't really need it. I really would love an on/off switch.
I miss my girlfriend Lauren so much right now. She was here for a week and I had to drive her back down to Virginia. Its weird because the first week and a half that we are apart again I feel like we somehow get completely disconnected from each other. I wonder if its just me and its all in my head?
Work is cool. I picked up my first paycheck today and it was a great one. I was excited to finally have a few extra bucks in my pocket and put a lot into my bank account again (its been a while). I am just hoping that my hours are a little bit better next week and from there on. I'm only asking for at least 3 work days a week to keep my head above the water.
It was awesome to walk around the mall the other day on my first day off and hear everyone talking about this new store Tilly's that just opened. And to walk in on opening day and see customers scattered through out the store. Just knowing that I helped make the store a store and what it is now - from the first minute of walking in it was a ghost town with nothing in the place at all - and working on it with everyone to make it into something.
It's a cool feeling.
I like everyone I'll be working with too and I think it'll be cool.
I also think that if I could get some more hours it'll keep me busy because last night and today are the first couple of times that I felt so out of it about things in a month. The second I get a couple days off with nothing to do. Blah.
Anyway, I picked up Attack! Attack! 's album "Someday Came Suddenly" and its great. But I also just found out from a couple people that they just got a new singer and aren't as good, but I haven't heard that for myself yet. Whatever though, I'm loving this cd. Its got things I have been looking for in a band that seems relatively new even though its not really. Just something about it.
I also picked up the new The Devil Wears Prada and I love every second of it. Hate 'em all you want, but I think that this album is ridiculous and one hell of a ride.
If I don't have to work my call-in shift tomorrow I am going to go see this kid I work with and his band play and try and catch some shots. Either way, should be cool.
I need to work on a lot of things artistically. A lot of new ideas to try out and new things to explore. Why work with old when you got new stuff and you could work with new so everything you do from then on is just stepping forward?.. Right?
The last week plus has been fun and crazy and random.
-My girlfriend came up and stayed. It was great.
-Got a new job.
-Started it today, setting up the store. Its awesome because we're all new together and its just interesting putting together a store. And no being the "new kid" we're all new.
-I drove my girlfriend back to Va the other day then came back yesterday.
-My tire blew. That was an experience.
-I miss my baby already. It never gets easier.
-I got my Macbook back with everything still in tact.
-Pissed that the Devils lost.
-Lauren's family feeds me too much and its amazing. Other then when I am with them I don't eat much and it sucks. They spoil me haha.
-We're over a year now and I couldn't be happier.
Just some thoughts: On the way back to Jersey yesterday my tire blew. So I called AAA and they sent someone out. Half an hour of questions over and over, they finally send someone out. So the wait starts. I look up and a guy pulls over and asks me if I need help and I tell him its okay and thanks for asking. He gives me a free water and asks again. An hour later the guy finally gets there and puts my spare on. They guy is a complete asshole - tells me he can't tow me anywhere (even though I get up to 100 miles free) and gives me directions to a tire place. So I get off the next exit in search of this store and end up at a quick check to re-ask for directions. Outside were some guys working on a truck so I asked them and it turns out they were all awesome dudes and grew up from where I live. They helped me out and sent me in the right direction. Finally get to the store 15 minutes later. The guy there was an ASSHOLE. but the guy who got my new tire on was cool and got me out of there real quick (an hour left for the store to close by this time). The other guy was going to make me wait til the next day when I have work at 6am, in the middle of nowhere, no credit card, not much money on me and a dying cell phone. So I finally get outta there, a few hours behind schedule...
In all of this I am really happy I ran into some really cool people who were willing to help me out (never mind the assholes). Only thing that kept me going through the whole thing, it was just a bad situation.
Some people - random strangers, will go out of there way to just ask if you need any help. That gave me some confidence in people again. I saw the best of both sides.
Alright, enough rambling. This was a pointless blog I know.
I am lying down in bed, the only light is the little bit of it that is trying to break into the room through the window shades from the lamps outside. I canít sleep and my windows are open, as they always are. The rain outside is beating down on everything in the world. I like to listen to the rain at night when I try to sleep, I prefer sunny an clear days, but something about laying in bed trying to sleep while listening to the rain puts you at peace.
I hear the squeak of a door and a gentle tap as quietly slams closed. Living in an apartment most of your life and your window right next to the parking lot, you tend to pick up on these things. I hear a cough and heavy footsteps walking away down the street.
It must be him I think to myself.
Heís only a few years older then me and has been my next door neighbor for at least half the time that I have lived here. We didnít talk much, but we use to play football together when we were younger with all the other kids who once lived around here. I remember him being one of the happiest people I have ever met and maybe the nicest person you would ever meet in your lifetime. He was popular Ė not the kind of popular where he was an asshole jock like you see on tv or maybe experience in your life, but the kind where he just kind of befriended everyone he met. Simply put, people liked being around him. He was always in and out with friends and had a beautiful blonde girlfriend who I believe people would die for. She was just as nice as him, if not more and had the greatest smile that would stop the world and make everything bad melt away. He had everything.
He left for the war.
He was gone for a couple of years.
I have always heard that war will change people. Some people that I have come across donít seem to be bothered. My one uncle for instance Ė I think he lives for it. Anytime he has a chance to go, he jumps back in. Heís still the same man that Iíve known my whole life. My other uncle Ė Heís not really my uncle, but a close family friend. Heís made a lot of mistakes in his life and is in a very bad place right now. Heís still lively, talkative and outgoing, itís just poor decision making. My Dad tells me that he was always a little odd, but it got a little bit worse when he went away to war for a short period of time. My Dad said he didnít change much but something did a little bit, not to mention the drugs he got into while out there. Other then that, I have never seen anyone changed or altered so intensely before.
He came back. I watched him as he got home and walked slowly up the parking lot, up the sidewalk and inside. The door slammed.
He looked aged, but somehow the same. It looked like he had been through hell. I wouldnít know, he doesnít talk anymore. He doesnít smile and its very rare that you see him leave the apartment. Nobody ever comes by to see him anymore and I couldnít tell if his old girlfriend is still around.
I ran into him a few weeks ago outside, he was white as a ghost, hasnít seen sunlight in who knows how long. I said ďhi, how have you been?Ē
He keeps his head straight, not even a look my way and kept walking. No answer.
I noticed that the color in his eyes seem to have faded, almost disappeared. It looks like there is no life left in him.
Heís still so young, a few years older then me, heís got so much life left to live. I wonder if itís even in him anymore. Anywhere inside of him at all. I canít imagine the troubles he has seen or the things he experienced. Whatever happened, it left him a lonely and broken young man.
I wonder how we could do this to ourselves. I wonder if some broken people can ever be fixed again. Iím still young and have seen a lot for myself and I use to wonder if somewhere I had been discarded and broken, but even if so, it has never been as bad he had been left. I try to imagine what the world must have been like for him before he left for war. What the world was like when he was overseas in combat. I try to imagine what he seeís in the world now.
On dark cold rainy nights, as the rain falls desperately pounding on the earth, you hear the door open and quietly slam and footsteps walking through the wet streets.
I thought of a great idea to bring artists in the community together. I'll have to talk to my friends mom who works for the town to see how I would go about it.
Its to bring a bunch of people together and paint up a mural, and at the town park, set it up and set up a few other blank walls for people to go and draw and do stuff to. I've noticed a lot of people like to tag stuff (and its not actually profanity or anything stupid....its thought out, good stuff) and it always gets cleaned up. I think its a shame and at the same time I understand it. I just think it'd be an interesting thing to have something like that set up where none of us have to worry about getting into trouble or anything...ya know?
So I got the new cs4 and have been playing a lot. I am starting to explore different avenues with my photography. As well as design, drawings and paintings. The above is a preview of whats new to come.
Last night was cool. It was the first time in a long time that our whole 'crew' of friends got together. Minus one person none of stay in touch with anymore (good riddance) and he seemed to be replaced by another dude we've all known forever. We went out the barn to dinner to celebrate Greg's 21st. It was fun. Kind of depressing in some ways because my friend just didn't seem into anything and it was his birthday... It doesn't seem like he's really ever completely there anymore when I see him. I wish I knew what was wrong...if anything is.
Maybe he's already struggling with a mid-life crisis at 21? I've heard that happens from time to time.
I don't know.
This ext week is going to be weird. I can't wait for Lauren to come up to Jersey next weekend. She'll save me from this week.
I've been writing a lot more yet, but nothings complete yet. About 90-95% there, but not just yet.
I finally finished a drawing tonight for Lauren's and my one year anniversary. It took 3 hours to finish, not to mention about a million sketches and crumpled pieces of paper littering my floor. I love how it turned out though. I really hope she likes it.
I can't believe its almost 3am, again....
I think I'm going to start my gigantic mural tomorrow, or the next day that its warm and not rainy out.
My friend is 21 today. Known him since 4th grade. wow. this means i turn 21 soon, just around the corner. weird.
Was hanging out with everyone yesterday and his 8 year old sister came in. The way she acted made it even weirder to realize that we were that crazy 12 years ago. Now we're grown up and all about to be 20-21. Its crazy to think about. It was only 12 years ago. 10 years ago I was just 10.
Going out tonight to party it up in celebration.
Then locking myself away for a few days to work on some paintings and projects. I got a lot to get done.
Yesterday afternoon randomly I receive a text message "Brian?"
I reply... yeah who is this?
Turns out its my friend that I knew for years and use to chill with everyday over a year ago. We got into a lot of shit together and in the end, he kept doing drugs and disappearing and I went on to rehab and get help. A few months ago one of my friends ran into him and said he hated me for getting out of it and blah blah blah.
So, it was weird hearing from him. He just wanted me to know he finally got clean in rehab and was in a halfway house in upstate New York. He plans on never coming back home here ever again. I hope so. He's an awesome dude and drugs got the best of him for too long. I hope he stays clean.
Today was interesting/awkward/bizarre. I headed out to the mall where I applied for jobs for a couple hours. One friend at hot topic is trying to help me out and my old friend and supervisor is trying to help me out at Zumiez. I ran into a few other people. And a couple friends that I've know for years. It was all so random and cool at the same time.
Work tonight was okay. It sucks, its good money but only once a week. I hope something new comes my way.
The new HALIFAX songs are so iiiilllllllllllllll!! I am stoked. as well as for the new TDWP album to drop soon.
I realized I have a fear of being alone. After all I did today and the people I saw, to come home and be alone sucks. I can't get in touch with anyone or the people I can have too much work and early classes tomorrow. I think I drive myself crazy very easily.
I spent most of the day listening to tunes, sitting outside watching the world, and cleaning up/changing the living space around. or starting to. It was a complete lazy day and it was great for once.
I decided to start working on my photography and artwork as much as possible. What this means is I have given up on the band thing. Its been over a year since my last band died out. I miss it everyday, but I feel like I've been dreaming of trying to bring back the past. That doesn't get one too far. To be honest, I don't feel it in me anymore. I rarely pick up either my guitars or bass anymore. Once in a while I play in GarageBand with sounds and pianos/effects, but nothing more.
Since I realized that my last band was on its last leg and friendships that were there for years were deteriorating, that it was time for a new move. I checked into a rehab. Quit doing all the stupid shit, stopped talking to anyone who wasn't a real friend to me (with a clear head you really find out whose for real and who isn't), finally picked up jobs and was able to keep them, found an amazing girl, etc, etc.
After these things happened, I still wanted to play but nothing had happened. I started focusing more on my writing, art and photography and have re-found my love and passion for it.
Music was a huge part of me, is a huge part of me and always will be. It makes me me. I love shows. And the music and words inspire me all the time. For life and in what I do.
If anything ever happens in the future, who knows? At this point I am not worried about it. I met some cool kids, had great times with great friends, seen some crazy places, had kids sing back with us, been on crazy stages, won battle of the bands, been noticed at the movies and a lot more I'm sure. Thats enough for me to say I had a great time, I loved it, but its gone now and I am okay with that. I got to live it and had fun while doing it. The end of it all was a very messed up period in my life, but I learned from it. I learned from every part, every project that I was in, from when I started when I was 13 to now.
At the end of it all
We will be sold for parts
We will try to rebuild
But we ate it all away
We will be the new ice age
We will be the new plague
Disguised as a colony
We will wipe them all away
This is it for us
Itís time to panic
We always said it wouldnít end like this....
We are the cancer
We are the virus
Tell me itís not too late
Been working on sketches all last night, today, and tonight.
The one above is one of the finals that I liked. I wanted to work with markers and pencils. Since I haven't used markers in forever, I couldn't seem to find all of my good ones. So... I had to work with the only thing that I could find - sharpies. And not very fine-tipped ones. So I couldn't completely pull off all of my details as well as I wanted to do (something I put into a lot of my work), also was a little restricted due to marker/paper bleeds. A little more simple then what I tend to go for. However, I was pleased with how this one came out anyway.
Yesterday was just a weird day. Rained a lot and really hard, the sun came out for a little while, then I went to work and found out they let me go (been there over a year) which disappointed me even though I needed to get out of that place. I got fired because the one kid got deported and I didn't go in last weekend due to life things I had to deal with. I even warned them that I would not be there a week before.
2 nights a week, 6$ an hour, and never more then 5 deliveries. Not a good place at all. Its also sad how they don't know how to run a business and I have no experience doing so, but always had more ideas to get people there. They are slowly running that place into the ground... well, so long.
Then I watched the clouds grow darker and darker, and the wind was moving them at such a fast pace. I was expecting another really hard hitting storm. Yet, nothing. The wind has just been really rough last night and today.
The newest underoath cd has been keeping me company. It's really all I've kept listening to after receiving my job loss news. Such an amazing cd.
Took a break to watch The Sandlot. Timeless movie.
And I picked up a copy of Tropic Thunder for 10 bucks, so I'll probably watch it later. Stuuuupid movie, but I laugh so hard the whole time.
Probably will be working on a lot of art/photo projects while looking for a new job and filling out tons and tons of applications until something works out.
That's where I stand right now.
"Life is chaos, but when you slow down for a second you'll find beauty in it. Even if you have to reach way down to grab hold of it... it's always there somewhere hiding in the darkest corners at times."
EMERGENCY taken from the pages of revolution on canvas pt. 1
originally from but re-written and re-organized from "Days of War, Nights of Love."
Think about your direct bodily experience in life.
No one can lie to you about that.
How many hours a day do you spend in front of a television screen? A computer screen? Behind an automobile screen? What are you being screened from? How much of your life comes at you through a screen, vicariously while you sit and watch. Is watching things as exciting as doing things? Do you have enough time to do all the things you want to? Do you even have enough energy to?
Do you think for yourself, independently, or do you take others' word for truth? How often do you find yourself repeating something you heard another say without it having any bearing on your personal experience; your personal truth? How many hours a day do you sleep? How are you affected by standardized time, designed solely to synchronize your movements with those of billions of other people? How long do you go without knowing what time it is? who or what controls YOUR minutes and hours? The minutes and hours that add up to your life.
How do you feel in large crowds of anonymous masses? Do you find yourself blocking your emotional responses to other human beings? Can you put a value on a beautiful day? How many dollars an hour salary doe it take to stay inside and sell things or file papers for someone else? What will you get later that will make up for this day in your life? How many days have you given to such things? (years!?!)
Do you have ideas or do ideas have you?
Who prepares your meals? Do you ever eat by yourself? Do you ever eat standing up? How much do you know about what you eat and where it comes from? Do you trust it? Of our many time and labor saving devices, do you find yourself with more time or ironically less than ever? Is it even possible to "save" time?
They're buying your happiness from you.
STEAL IT BACK.
How are you affected by being moved around in prescribed paths, in elevators, buses, subways, highways and sidewalks?
By moving, living and working in two- and three-dimensional grids? How are you affected by being organized, immobilized and scheduled... instead of wandering, roaming freely and spontaneously? How much freedom of movement do you have -- freedom to move through space, to move as far as you want, in new and unexplored directions?
How often are you waiting? Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting to eat, waiting for the bus, waiting for the bathroom -- learning to punish, ignore and control your spontaneous urges? How do you feel when you suppress your desires, when you delay or deny yourself pleasure?
Do you ever need to be around nature? Have water, leaves, foliage, and animals been replaced by your pet, aquarium, and houseplants?
Do videotapes of yourself and your friends fascinate you, as if somehow you are more real in image then in life? Would a movie about your life be interesting? How do you about the non-stop barrage of audio, visual, print, billboard, computer, radio, and robotic voices that guide you through a forest of advertisements? What do they want from you?
How often does your happiness come in conjunction with buying something?
Do you feel like without mainstream stimuli that you will miss something? Will you? Does it make you tired reacting all the time instead of thinking on your own? When was your last true moment of silence... not white noise but pure silence?
Have you ever asked yourself these things?
Do you feel violent impulses?
Do you feel inexorably lonely?
Are you really happy?
Do you feel like you are going to lose control?