For the past few months I've felt as though something was missing. I think I realized what it was. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't have the time, or anything to write about when the truth is that I've been trying to detach apart of myself that I felt shouldn't be there anymore. It's time to confess.
I went to post today and imagine my surprise when I see 405 new comments on my dash. It seems like I've run into a bit of spam problem. Some spambot lenhollis has literally flooded my blog with over 400 spam comments. I know I've been here for a little while but I've never run into this problem before on ap. Anyone know who to talk to about this? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Itís always difficult when I realize that a relationship I value has changed, especially when itís within my friends or family. Letting go of people has always been a weak spot of mine, but Iíve realized a hard truth recently about someone who is very important to me. The people that weíve both become donít fit together the way the old versions of ourselves once did. The thing is that I canít even pinpoint when it changed, but it has. I suppose it happened gradually, and now itís almost like we donít speak the same language anymore. Sometimes just seeing one another has become difficult and that makes me incredibly sad, I find myself missing someone Iím sitting next to. But thatís an illusion isnít it? Because that person is gone. You find fault with me in everything, it seems that no matter what I give it just isnít enough. There are things that can never be fixed between us, now itís time to decide if those irreparable things are irreplaceable. Can we create new bonds to take the place of the old and broken ones? Can we still be in each otherís lives in the same capacity, despite all the scars that lay between us? Have we created an unbridgeable gap? How sad that would be, to realize we could never get back to where we once were.
Itís 3 am. Sometimes it seems like itís eternally 3 am, as if itís the only time my clock registers. If you ever want to feel alone stay awake until 3 am by yourself for a few nights in a row. Alone will take on a whole new definition, a quiet and involuntary one. Insomnia is at its heart isolation. Itís being stuck in the limbo between darkness and sleep, where you exist invisibly in a place between stillness and silence. A silence that over powers even the best head phones and your favorite words on certain nights. Itís knowing people are only a wall a way but utterly unreachable. Some nights itís like being invisible. Ií ve always wondered what it would be like to sleep well, to turn over and dissolve into another place and nothingness.
Itís funny how you miss people. At first itís the big things, Christmas and birthdays, but as time goes on little unexpected things remind you of them like a sunny day or a perfect song and for a moment youíre shocked all over again that their gone. Heís been gone for three years and itís amazing how certain events can feel like they took place a lifetime ago but at the same time remain astonishingly close to you. Iím older then him now. Older then heíll ever be, and that makes my heart hurt some days. It was never supposed to be that way, and yet it is. There were things we were all supposed to do together, and now we do them without him. That was one of the hardest parts of losing him, we lost a future we had taken for granted. His future. A future that included him. I find myself wondering what he would have thought about all the weddings and babies. If he would think itís as strange as I do at times to watch our playmates become husbands and wives, and to realize that theyíve become mothers and fathers. I always remember him in these things, how lucky I am to experience them, and how happy they would have made him. It doesnít erase the disappointment that heís not here with us, but sometimes itís enough.
ďAnd then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways,
they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young
and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life
break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened. Ē
How much of what we see is influenced by what weíve seen? Can we ever really enter into something with out that pulling on us, influencing the way we experience things? How much of what we see isnít really present but just baggage of the past? I have this problem so often sometimes I canít see past what has happened to imagine that things could be any different then they were. I always expect the worse. Even if itís some one else I always expect them to disappoint me in the exact same ways others have. I make assumptions based on completely different situations and shut down and shut them out. Itís hard isnít it to not ascribe the same motives to other people, to assume that this time things will be different and to open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt again. I have a hard to setting aside what I know of people to allow myself to take a chance. It may keep me safe, but it also keeps me from so much more and constantly carrying your past around can be exhausting. I want my past experiences to stop coloring my present.
I hate when people are asked if they regret anything and their response is always, ďno, everything Iíve done or experienced made me the person I am today. I wouldnít redo or take back anything.Ē See, I think that this is a bullshit answer. I donít think we are defined by one outcome or one circumstance; itís a whole culmination of decisions and experiences. But, there are plenty of things I regret, or if I had the chance to I would do over. Some of them are little things and some of them are big things. Some are just a word here or there, the change of a conversation, and sometimes I wish to change completely heart crushing moments. We all live with regrets, or at least we will. I have plenty and Iím positive I will amass more in my lifetime. My biggest criticism of the no regrets philosophy is the scary way it dispenses with the idea of learning from our mistakes. We regret something when we eventually learn that there are better ways to attain or deal with things. I donít think having regret about one particular thing means you regret every decision youíve ever made or the life youíre living and the person you are because of those decisions. I do believe that regret can be a terrible thing to have and living with it can be excruciating. There is absolutely no doubt about it. But itís there for a reason; itís there so you donít make the same mistakes. Itís about understanding the importance of opportunities and people and the permanence of decisions. Some claim they have no regrets, and maybe they really donít. But, maybe they just canít be honest with themselves about things they have lost.
I spent an hour looking for an old flickr account that held hundreds of pictures that amount to my high school experience. I say searched and not found because I was unsuccessful, I have a feeling they have been lost to the abyss of the Internet. I really should have been a bit more careful with my memories shouldnít I have? Itís probably for the best; nostalgia has always been a weakness for me. I donít necessarily think I would ever want to go back to what was, and as terrible as it sounds I donít even really miss all the people or experiences because letís face it being a teenager kind of sucked even when it was great. I think what I really miss is the safety of it all, the feelings of complete belonging and of believing with a sense of naive certainty that I had things figured out. Iím at a very unique position in my life right now, Iím at a place in my life where I can literally choose to change everything if I want to. I can change where I live, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and whom I want to do it with. Meanwhile lately I've been making the kind of decisions that are meant to cement oneís future. Iím careening towards these things and beginning to take steps that make it harder and harder to back track from. See, I say that but more than anything Iím scared of what changing all these decisions would mean. I would have to look at myself and be completely honest about what I want. Itís something thatís been nagging me lately, and I find myself constantly trying to register how happy I am with my current life. I feel like I keep asking myself, do I want things to stay this way?
Four years ago today I lost my grandfather, and itís the first year I spent it with another family. The first time Iíve chosen the living over the lost. It was my very good friendís birthday and while I was there all I could think about was my own family. Her popop reminded me of my own, I think it was the way he sat or maybe the way he crossed his legs. One of my favorite things about my grandfather was his southern accent. It was faint and I could only hear traces of it in certain words, but I loved the way it marked vowels and gave away a part of his past. It would become especially prominent when he was angry or excited. I remember the sweet tea he used to make in the summer in giant clear pitchers. He would set them on the deck railings to seep; my cousins and I would watch the slices of lemon float lazily along the surface while we were outside playing and woe to anyone who knocked one over. I remember that he would cut all of my uncles and my boy cousinís hair in summer too. It was always in the kitchen and they always sat in wooden chairs that would become sticky in the heat. I remember when he sewed the costume for my little sisterís play. There were pieces of long blue cloth everywhere and he carefully measured and marked them all then brought them together in his sewing machine. I remember that he loved my grandmother. I also remember when he got sick, it all happened very quickly. He was fine until he wasnít and I remember seeing him lose himself to illness. I remember not going to see him that last day because I was afraid of what I would see or maybe I didnít go because I was afraid of what I wouldnít see. I remember that he was a blue-eyed blonde like my sister and me. I remember recently when my mom told me I had the exact color eyes that he did, theyíre a sort of navy blue and green. When I was younger I had hated their color because I thought they were so plain. There are only three people in my family with his eyes and Iím one of them. Even as memories of him begin to fade and the details get smudged with time there is one I get to always keep. They are a memory that canít be dulled. Iíll always remember the color of his eyes because they are the color of my eyes.
She, she ain't real,
She ain't gonna be able to love you like I will,
She is a stranger,
You and I have history,
Or don't you remember?
Sure, she's got it all,
But, baby, is that really what you want?
Bless your soul, you've got you're head in the clouds,
You made a fool out of you,
And, boy, she's bringing you down,
She made your heart melt,
But you're cold to the core,
Now rumour has it she ain't got your love anymore,
Rumour has it, ooh,
Rumour has it, ooh,
She is half your age,
But I'm guessing that's the reason that you strayed,
I heard you've been missing me,
You've been telling people things that you shouldn't be,
Like when we creep out and she ain't around,
Haven't you heard the rumours?
Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds,
You made a fool out of me,
And, boy, you're bringing me down,
You made my heart melt, yet I'm cold to the core,
But rumour has it I'm the one you're leaving her for,
Rumour has it, ooh,
Rumour has it, ooh,
All of these words whispered in my ear,
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear,
Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean I meant it,
People say crazy things,
Just 'cause I said it, don't that mean I meant it,
Just 'cause you heard it,
Rumour has it, ooh,
Rumour has it, ooh,
But rumour has it he's the one I'm leaving you for.
I've been eagerly anticipating adele's new album ever since it came out in the U.K, but I refused to look for a leak and decided to wait till it came out officially. Man, I wasn't disappointed, adele has been one of my favorites since her last album. She's got such a beautiful voice and a sort of retro feel that I absolutely love. The best part of adele is that she isn't full of herself despite the fact that she could be because she's fantastic. She just seems like she has such a great time doing it, and makes that voice sound completely effortless, which I'm sure takes tons of effort. Some days it really makes me sad that teenage girls listen to Miley cyrus and slop like that when music as beautiful as this exists. Anyway, well done adele this is awesome.
this is her on letterman, and she sounds so fucking great, and makes it look so fucking easy.