so my spanish test completely dominated me. I was its bitch. I should have been given a safe word before I went into that classroom. So much for studying I guess...im seriously doubting my choice to take the 300 something level next semester, maybe ill have to look into that....having a test did mean I got out a little early tho, and since it was my only class today I have some free time. Maybe I should clean the apt since my friends are coming up later.......
or maybe ill just kick back and listen to butch walker all day...yeah that seems like a much better choice.
so everybody woke, telling the same joke
and singing the same chorus to a song
that hasnt even been wrote
dont know how to lead, just follow along there is no right or wrong way for certain make up your own version sing along
Im so self conscious about what I write. I feel like it just sucks, like im shaming the words I use, brutalizing them. Pushing them, pulling them and bending them in awful ways. I worry I reveal too much, pieces of myself I didnít even know existed. They crawl out of the ink and force themselves onto the page. Ive never shown anyone anything I have written, so this is a big step for me. Maybe itll give me confidence, maybe ill realize I have no business abusing pen and wasting paper the way I do. Either way ill stay firmly entrenched in anonymity. Its where I am the most comfortable, and I donít see that changing anytime in the near future.
ANYWAY, I should be at least trying to sleep, test tomorrow after all. My tea cooler is almost gone. I can tell I just how productive my days are because they are inversely proportionate to the amount of tea cooler I have left. That means I was productive as fuck today, color me surprised. Im listening margot & the nuclear so and so's while im attempting to fall asleep, and i think i can finally say with authority i prefer not animal! to animal!
Hopefully Iíll fall asleep soon due to the fact that I woke up early today.
i hurriedly wrote this while i should be studying for my bitch of a spanish test tomorrow, so i know its pretty crude. forgive me, and be kind..
Lets leave at sunrise. Run away with me, donít pack a single thing, weíll leave all the vestiges of our former lives behind. We can drive until we find some place warm and tranquil, where eternal summer reigns, with balmy nights that remind us of who we once were and carry the promise of happiness on their breeze. Im tired of this pointless charade, the same excuses, the same lies. We can never be anything but our own worst habits while we remain in this place, the only way weíll survive is if we break ties with everything that keeps us here. I can feel you slipping away, and this is our only chance. If you leave with me I cant promise you a thing, but I can tell you this, I could spend every day just listening to you speak me into existence. I cant look away with you so close to me. The way the sun makes you shine so softly devastates me. Just donít leave me waiting, say youíll follow me. We wont stop till we find our destination:beautiful, take the map and point to anywhere. I don't care
alright, now i have to get serious about my studying. Its kinda rainy here, i should be spending the day in my delicious bed with allen ginsberg or edith wharton. I guess ill just have to wait till the next rainy day. sigh. Thankfully i have some tea cooler and an excellent play list to help me make it thru. AND tomorrow is friday, which means my friends surprise party. Hopefully this year he wont run in from the bar drunk and fall on the coffee table spilling about 20 half empty beer cans all over me. Dont worry tho i still love him, i was too drunk that night to really remember why my clothing smelled like beer the next day anyway haha. So it seems to be shaping up to a good weekend, hopefully itll keep my spirits from sagging to much about having 50+ irregular spanish verbs i have to know by tomorrow
Recently ive been loving kevin devine (not that i dont always love him, but he has been on heavy rotation lately.) I love put your ghost to rest, its such a great album. Especially Just stay, its the type of song that makes me wish i was blessed with even a shred of musical talent in my body. The way the lyrics are crafted and and strung so perfectly together with melody is a thing of beauty. It seems like they were born together, and meant to be the same entity always. Its absolutly gorgeous, you can hear the breadth of honesty in his plea, just stay. His ability to articulate a sentiment ive heard countless times in a way that makes me pause, and catch my breath is amazing.
Kudos kevin, and i thank you.
I found my fickle friend out in the alley way.
He said "You don't look so good."
I said "Hey, Doc, that's great."
"You started practicing, I never got the note."
So lets shake and trade and be on our way.
Let's go go go.
So here we are again, inside your neon shrine.
Sharing a chopping block beneath embarassed light.
That tries to hide from us, it tucks itself away.
So we both grab hold and say "No you don't." Just stay, just stay.
The morning's hot and harsh.
My notebook fills itself.
The words come thick with sweat.
But it feels like someone else
is writing all of this.
Someone I just can't believe
So I mop my brow, set my pen back down. Still me, still me.
And I'm grabbing at a feeling now
that i can't ever name.
Some sign posted to remind me
how I wanted things this way.
She says "It's pretty but you hate yourself." "I can hear it clear as day."
And I say "I sing like this,
it sounds worse than it is."
I'm okay, okay.
I'm okay, okay.
I'm okay, okay.
I'm okay, okay.
So just stay, just stay
So just stay, just stay
I'm okay, okay.
So just stay, just stay,
just stay, just stay.
i hope you listen to this song and it affects you in some way. Im off to watch scrubs and pray that i get to sleep sometime before 4 am. It seems like it will be a losing battle tonight, but alas! ill try my best.
Everyone has been speaking about the integrity of music recently, comments have been flooding message boards and threads with arguments about the scene and what its become. There is talk that its dead. Maybe im a little late to this trend, but I do want to contribute my two cents. Even if in the grand scheme of things I know what I think or believe probably wont make a difference, I feel that saying something is always better then remaining silent. The explosion of bands like brokencyde, and millionaires seem to have officially pitted parts of this music scene (and I use that term very loosely, because for one thing I donít want to group those of us who listen to good music with those who listen to that self indulgent drivel, and because I donít consider this a scene and have never really identified it as such.) into two very different groups. I will readily admit that I am young, and more than likely many can say that I missed the golden age, and it kills me that I did. By the time I was going to shows was even option for me, most of the truly great basement shows were long gone. However, I am well versed in all of the bands many of us would consider ďclassic,Ē they all remain staples of my musical base. I still love them and credit them for getting me into the type of music I love today. They set a sort of precedent that is very hard to follow. There are still bands like them today, those that make great music and have musical integrity. But these bands are becoming increasingly few and far between.
We are being inundated by bands that lack not only musical integrity, but seemingly any at all. The bands that seem to prosper today (with a few exceptions) are manufactured solely for the purpose of making money and garnering attention for the members of the band. They are completely selfish and seem to dismiss any and everything so long as they can profit from the awful music they make. They are willing to say obscene things, and become whatever their audience wants them to be, like the basest corner walking whores. The only things they have in their eyes are money signs, because they know that there is plenty to be made. So why not take advantage of it right? Letís just make horrible music, dress it up with bright colors and hope no one sees that it lacks substance.
These pathetic people, who dare to call themselves bands, profit off the ability to beguile mainly young teenage girls into thinking that they have talent, or that they deserve to be heard on any platform. They lack substance and originality, they stand for nothing and they are proud of this. They seem to think that they deserve what they are given and nothing less. When in reality they have done nothing to warrant the press and popularity they have received. They fail to recognize that they are destroying an entire genre with their diluted, ridiculous mac-book-garage-band reject ďbeatz.Ē Im sick of anything dressed in neon and wearing huge glasses walking around like they are the shit. They seem to think that what they do and say matters, or that anyone cares. They fail to realize that most everyone sees them as some big fucking joke. I personally couldnít care less if I never heard a thing from or about them again. On second thought, that would be a dream come true.
The fact that these completely talentless individuals are selling out venues or are able to make a living creating the travesty they call music is almost insulting. So many great bands are never able to get off the ground because the music industry is being polluted by flashy gimmicks. As a music lover it goes even farther, it makes me angry that these people donít have a shred of authenticity and couldnít give a shit less about what they are doing. Their little bands are just a way for them to escape their very sad pathetic suburban lives. It is just an excuse for them to bang under ages girls and get wasted in a different city every night. I cant believe that anyone would give credence to these type of people, let alone call themselves a fan and support them in any way shape or form. I would be so lucky to somehow find a way to make it into the music industry, and these people take something many of us would gladly give up tons for to be a part of, for granted. With every new ďsongĒ they come up with, and every new tour they profit from they shit all over everything that matters to us.
When I was younger I used to love everything about underground music and everything it stood for. It was about not changing who you were or what you did in order to fit into some preapproved corporate box to become the next big thing. It was about making it on your own terms without having to sacrifice yourself to some major label idealist image to be considered relevant. It was about playing your music just to have it heard. The bands I love, worked hard on their own, touring tirelessly for months and years at a time. They sure as hell didnít do it for the money either, because many of them could barely scrape by, they did this, and some still do this because this is what they LOVE. The feeling of going to see a band that you love and means something to you for the first time is amazing, and these kids who are caught up in the neon (or whatever the fuck you want to call it trend) will NEVER understand that. They donít listen to bands like brokencyde for the lyrical content or the music; they listen to these bands because itís the cool thing to do.
We are allowing these shallow kids to shove no talent hacks down our throats. Well I say FUCK THAT. I refuse to allow them to ruin one of the things in life I really and truly love. These are the type of people that are making me HATE what I once LOVED. How dare they try massacre and mock something I care about? Im going to combat this the only way I know how, I will refuse to support them in any way I can. Ill make sure I buy every album I can afford from the bands I love, ill go to their shows, and buy their merch, to ensure that they are able to continue making music. I refuse to let this sad excuse for a trend become permanent. I have faith that in a few years all of these stupid bands will be in some second rate rehab whining about how they were once ďfamous.Ē Until then true music fans will just have to endure this extremely low point and hope to god that it passes quickly.
* extra points for anyone who knows what episode of its always sunny this is from!
In life and death you always stole my heart.
youíve always meant so much to me itís hard to believe.
As the four month anniversary of my cousinís death approaches I find myself struggling. Some days I still cant believe it, it seems like some really bad dream, like im going to wake up one day and heíll make some seinfield reference and all will be well again. Im painfully coming to grips with that fact that this just isnít going to happen. Weíre no strangers to grief, my family has had a rough time of late, three deaths in fewer years, they blindsided us too, an uncle, a poppop, and now a cousin. I can remember where I was every single time I received the news with awful clarity. My family is very close, and very large, the kind of family that is wholly unwelcoming to outsiders but loves their own with intensity that can be witnessed by anyone. My mom is one of thirteen and one of the older siblings, which means some of my younger aunts and uncles were playmates instead of authorities. It also meant there was a serious gap in the grandchildren. I remember when I was one of the youngest in more recent years I have become one of the oldest, as my younger aunts and uncles settle down and begin families. I remember when there were only eight or nine of us, instead of the massive almost forty grandkids there are now. We were all very close, we played make-believe games, waffle ball, had sleep overs, and watched the lion king, all the best things. They taught me how to curse, how to play football in the livingroom (playing on your knees is the trick!) and all the other needless information a kid requires to survive.
His death, it hit us like a fucking anvil. It was like we lost one of our own, like losing a friend you grew up with your entire life, but worse because theyíre your blood. I feel like his loss put the final nail in the coffin when it comes to my faith. His survival thru his fight with drugs left him a devout faith, his death shattered mine. I cant understand or come to grips with a being that would take so much from people on a whim. Its too much, I cant love something that takes people I love away from me. I can no longer say I believe there is some divine being watching out for us, because I honestly donít know any more.
I remember the last time I saw him, it was at a family bbq, the sun was shining, the horse shoe pitt was out and we were all laughing, watching the younger kids play and reminiscing. We were all talking about how he had just turned 21 this year, and how I was next, and that because I was the last one I was in for it. He kissed me on the forehead before he left, he told me be safe. I told him make sure you are too, and that I would see him later. Little did I know that I wouldnít. I wish I had known, done more, said more. This is someone who made up stupid games with me, who would sing nsync and Britney spears when we were younger (yeah we did it, and we fucking did it well, so im not ashamed!), we used to all rip presents open fervently at mommoms house side by side, throw the empty eggs at each other after the easter egg hunts, and would compete to see who could get threatened with the holy water the most in one visit at our grandparents.
I remember the day I was told vividly, in almost nightmareish detail, down to the shirt I was wearing and the fact that I had my glasses on. I was at school, at my apartment trying to laugh off a hangover with two of my best friends and I got a call from my mom, she was stopping by. I knew something was wrong, she didnít just stop by. I was on the deck smoking, when my side door opened, it was my aunt, she was make-up less and looked exhausted and told me to come in, I was terrified. My mom was sitting on the couch against the wall, she looked like she hadnít slept at all. She told me to sit down, that there had been an accident last night, that my cousin was involved. I heard my voice ask a little too loudly if he was okay, I swear I can still hear her tone when she responded,Ē no baby, heís not.Ē I felt my world tip, and my eyes spill over. I couldnít speak; meanwhile my friends sat there mute and shocked, watching this display of family grief, a private moment completely on display. They hurriedly helped me pack things so I could go home, there were things to be done, he had younger brothers and sisters to be looked after, and one that was my age. Arrangements needed to be made. My mom is the living center of the family, we had responsibilities.
I finally got home after a drive that seem to last a life time. I went to my room, blasted music, and lied on my bed in shock, waiting for it to sink in. A few minutes passed and I heard a timid knock on my door. It was my little sister, she didnít know him as well, but she was visibly upset, she lied down and after a few moments of silence she asked me for a favor. She had borrowed one of his philies shirts to wear to school during the World Series. She had almost worn it to bed last night but didnít want to have to wash it again, because he would probably want it back soon and she didnít want to forget. She didnít ask, but I knew what she wanted. I went into her room, took his shirt, folded it and brought it into my parents room. It finally registered that he would never get it back, he would never wear it again, and he was gone. The sadness left me absolutely breathless, it was crippling in its reality. I can say without a doubt it was the hardest moment of my life thus far. Thanksgiving was two days away, yet another holiday colored by loss, we held off all the funeral arrangements till after. There was very little any of us were thankful for.
At the wake I saw his life displayed for us, including a very recent photo I had taken in the summer at our cousins wedding. The three of us had been very close when we were younger, im thankful at least that he saw her get married even if he didnít get to see her beautiful child that was born only days before his accident. Everyone at the wake was numb, shocked and completely unprepared for yet another emotionally crushing event in our lives or scar on our still unhealed hearts.
At the funeral, I remember looking down the pew and seeing the rest of us, we were one short. Our aunts and uncles they all mourned, but it was different for us. We had lost a part of our childhood. Listening to him spoken about in a past tense, and listening to his brother deliver his eulogy made my heart ache, it still does. Now my childhood memories are tinged with sadness, a dull aching, like pictures burned at the edges and singed with ash. None of our younger cousins will even remember him, and it kills those of us that do. Now with every fond memory comes a certain sting. I get to pass the street that took his life every time Iím home; he was literally within walking distance of his own. I never thought a street could break my heart, I guess I was wrong about a lot of things.
He was kind, and loving and always willing to help. He wasnít perfect, far from it, but he was finally becoming the type of person he was proud of, and it was a privilege to witness. He wanted to become a psychologist, so that he could help others avoid the things he had been thru. He deserved to get that chance. I cant get used to this, I donít understand. We loved him, We still love him. We miss him, and we will always miss him. The only thing I can hope for is that he is happy wherever he is, and that one day we can look back on our memories with happiness because of what we had and not grief for what we have lost. Im not a religious person anymore, but ive prayed every night since that night that he and the other members of my family are at peace, it is the only thing I still pray for. I write this in hopes that if I could get it all down it will help me gain some of the closure I desperately want, and maybe some clarity that I need.
my itunes shuffled on to this song today, and that line was perfect. The weather is finally getting nice on the good ol' north east coast. I couldnt ask for better weather to celebrate st paddy's day! Last night was an amazing way to start the festivities too, good company, shitty beer and chinese food. We were exellent irish and cracked beers around midnight. I swear college towns are the best place to be for days like today. Hopefully later tonight my friends and I will be representing our irish heritage the right way.
im fucking DONE with comcast, its been the biggest bitch lately. Itll quickly load a page then when i click something, up, server has lost service. blow me comcast how does that sound? We've been having problems with it for a few weeks, so we got someone to come out to look at it for the FOURTH TIME this year. They always claim they fixed it, and it works for about a week, then what do you know.... i would quit this bitch and switch to verizon if there werent only three months left on the lease. Aside for the comcast fiasco its been a pretty decent monday so far, one class to go, then later tonight my friend who is on spring break this week is coming up. Were going to watch the new gossip girl (yes, i know im sorry, i find their drama hilarious.) and get inappropriately intoxicated on a monday night. This week is looking up!
ive never done this before, to be honest all of this blank white is kind of overwhelming. But im currently alone in my apt and have nothing else to do but unpack, id rather do anything then unpack. So ill procrastinate like the pro I am. Ive recently been listening to the new nfg and its awesome, it reminded me of all the reasons i love them. It's fun and compliments the spring/summer weather so well. I have a feeling that its going to stay on my top-played list for a long time to come.
i honestly cant believe that its march already, i feel like the older i get the more time just flies by. I need to pick classes tomorrow, which can be pretty daunting. Im just hoping to god i can avoid any morning classes this semster, they can be a bitch when you have insomnia.