this is the kid weeping at the corner
this is you staring at a black and white screen
this is you with a gun to your head
this is you in your deathbed
this is the soldier marching through the fields
this is the bird with the cage door open
this is you stuck in your cave
this is you alone in a crowded room
sitting by the bus stop
waiting for something to happen
the rain, the bus, the sun to die
this is you searching for your savior
who's stuck in the rain with you
who's next to you in the passenger seat
who makes you feel so goddamn
alive
inside
this is one of those goddamn days
and there's the bus now
the soft gentle click on the wheel
the flame bursts into life
it illuminates,
burning the air without a care
of the world
dancing in the summer wind
of tonight
touching the lips of that
green and white stick
it burns
without a care of the world
the end glows with a sizzle
he inhales,
and exhales,
a rush of nicotine in his veins
something to calm his nerves
a stream of smoke through the
pearly white gates
all of this happens in a
postcard perfect picture
of tonight
we're the children of the world
we don't deserve to die like this
I can only imagine what you're going through
stuck in a cell you would call hell
with the soft clicking of the machines
and the gentle walls that surrounds you
there's the morning sun that shines through the window
and the one you love most
will be there
to draw the blinds
to puff your pillow
to bring your favorite flowers
by the bedside
and help you with your water
he'll be there to tell you
'everything is going to be alright'
he'll be there to hold your hand
to walk you through
this hell of a storm
a hidden hero among the crowds
a hidden hero I'm proud to know
it's a beautiful world out there,
dear aunt
keep believing the sun will shine
wherever you may be
keep believing you're not alone
in this hell of a storm
As much as I'd hate to admit to any living person I know, the last saturday for me was one of solitude and silent thoughts. It's not that there weren't any plans made, but rather it's a case of me wanting to drift out of reality and into memories made from recent events. The morning was one to be remembered, there weren't much downpour at this point of year, not to mention rainy mornings. But from my side of the window I woke up to a great view of the city being flooded, the cars jamming the roads in heavy traffic. I strolled along the floors of an underground mall, and I was blended in with the crowd, wearing just a t shirt and jeans, pretending it wasn't a least bit chilly. At the end of the evening I found myself at the center of towering bookshelves, all packed with inspiring words authored by some of the most brilliant and creative writers. A place where most finds peace and comfort, engaged in a story, ready for an adventure. A place where people search for an escape, be it music, books or art. I was like them, and in my mind I wondered if they were like me, abandoning plans on a Saturday night just to be here, to read. For a glorious hour or so I searched for books by Charles Bukowski, a highly rated author as I read from some of the fellow users in AP.net. I picked up Betting on the Muse for $34.95, a price well worth it. I especially loved a poem of his, titled A View from the Quarter, March 12th, 1965, which painted perfectly the cities and its people.
I have seen you, New Orleans
I have seen you, New York,
Miami, Philly, Frisco, St.Louie,
L.A., Dago, Houston, and
most of the rest. I have
seen nothing, your best men are
drunks and your worst men are
locking them
up,
your best men are killers and
your worst men are
selling them
bullets
your best men die in alleys
under a sheet of paper
while your worst men
get statues in parks
for pigeons to shit upon for
centuries
You keep me waiting
as the sun falls
and the moon hangs
with the stars
to accompany
but I've got my own company
and we bear with the freezing thorns
of the cold
and covered ourselves with the heavy smell
of fire and charcoal
framing ourselves for a picture perfect night
under a dimming light bulb dying to hold the light
we're all dressed up like the kings and queens
everyone is so familiar with
and hiding ourselves behind those tens and nines
we're all in love with
get ready for the glimmer and red carpet
for tonight it's all about him and her
gracing the event
but for me it's all about you
gracing the entrance
yeah you keep me waiting
waiting for a perfect night
I've been having trouble stringing my thoughts, not to mention my words, well together enough to write an interesting post. Regardless, I haven't forgotten this personal space of mine and I've been wanting to update in the past few days though I never got around to doing it. The same can be said for many personal errands of mine that I had the option of procrastinating to the point that I decided enough is enough. This afternoon as I was in the middle of my bus journey to run my errands, my determination to stop my procrastination was put to the test as the sky opened up to soak my city with heavy rain. For that reason I was forced to change my route instead and I ended up on a new journey on a ride to unfamiliar places. And then it all came together, that rare moment where inspiration hits, that one moment where I noticed upon the view from where I am, where raindrops crash and slide with a consistent rhythm on the glass, that how beautiful the city can be when I'm looking at it from a new direction. Imagine a change of the view from where you are, every minute, every hour and everyday as you're in transit; you will be in a constant state of discovery. It is for this reason that I'm always so keen on travelling, to fresh foreign cities and towns where I can leave my foot prints. Years later as I age and look back I can always recall that particular cafe in New Orleans, or that fascinating museum in Rome, or perhaps the lingering romance in Paris.
I'll kiss you in London,
Love you in France,
Sunsets in Germany,
Spain we can slowdance
Well if it looks this beautiful on paper imagine how it will be living it.
"You know who I think can handle a problem like that?"
"Who?"
"Future Ted and future Marshall"
"Totally, let those guys handle it"
But isn't the future me still me though?
Standing alone at the river bank I'm staring face to face with choices I'd rather avoid, but you know you can't run away from them forever. One day you'll slow down, your legs giving way, you'll feel breathless, and soon they'll catch up with you. The surroundings just turned hazy again, and I realize any choice that I make I won't be totally happy. But that's life, you don't always get what you want, and time continues to push you forward to these reluctant decisions you've to make regardless if you like it or not. Tonight, as I'm writing this, I'm still a patient man, with a hint of fear inside me. I'll dive, float and let the water takes wherever it takes me to. Tonight, I'll continue waiting for the unknown.
I've been abandoning this space lately, but only because events from last week has been ongoing at such a fast pace that it leaves me little or no time to piece together my thoughts and to write them down. If anyone is keeping track of this blog of mine, I have, in many entries, stated my wish and desire to live in Melbourne, independently to attend an university and graduate with a degree. But it seems like so many past dreams of mine this one is beginning to drift away slowly but not surely. It has been a train ride, a mixture of ups and downs for these few months regarding this issue. While living alone with no one to talk to in a foreign land can be at times, an intimidating thought, it's a challenge I wish to take on. At the end of this journey I'm just a passenger that's back to my original destination. No changes from my windows view, no new visitors at my doorstep, just an empty suitcase to bring home to. Soon I'll be applying for a local university instead, not that it's a bad thing, but it's a relatively boring idea compared to the Melbourne dream. After all these years of living in summer, I crave for snow rather than sand, and the ice rather than the sea. I walk around this town, or around the city, nothing surprises me anymore. It's the same high rise buildings, the same street avenues, the same sidewalks. I'm a person who wishes to be in a state of pleasant discoveries, to be able to take pictures of the places I travelled and someday look back as a personal achievement. In so many ways, studying in Melbourne fits the bill. It's an opportunity not many students get, and though I may not be one of the lucky ones, I still have the love and support from the people who knows me best.
For all the weekday mornings that I wake myself up to the sight of sunken eyes in the mirror, to the same annoying ring of my alarm and the same negative attitude I fill in my mind, this morning was the least painful to date. As I climbed out of my nest while the sun is still asleep over the horizon I knew I was in for a different challenge today. During the travel along twenty one years onto my journey I find that I'm still constantly learning the new to replace the old, facts or ideas or opinions. I often realize that how a small and insignificant decision seemed back then made from a few years ago can affect the growth and character of the person you are today. A butterfly effect, we seldom realize we're a victim of it till we reflect upon ourselves. In the example of my case if the sixteen year old me chose to be a lazy slouch instead of picking up the acoustic guitar, I wouldn't be where I am today. Similarly, if I've decided to take up a few more activities such as photography, I could be on my path to be a professional photographer. It's the decisions we make, where you decide to do or don't, that affects us the most. And it's also the decisions you make, that easily creates these bubbles of frustrations that you come to regret. With all these said, I had the chance to play Chris Carrabba for today, alone with my acoustic guitar, a back up piano, my naked voice and a lovely audience. From all the previous performances I had it was cases of me searching for a stage to prove myself and the opportunities to perform my favorite songs. However for today in a way it was the stage set up and ready for me instead. With my voice and six strings to bare there were many little things that could've gone wrong, and they did. Yet from the mess of applause from all those that acknowledged your efforts proved worthwhile. All these wouldn't have happened if the sixteen year old me chose not to pick up the guitar, and if there's anything I learnt is that as short as the journey is, there's always chances to do something new, just don't let these chances slip through your fingers.
If I haven't mention it in this blog yet, and I probably should have, is that Andrew Mcmahon is my top music hero of all time. So when the chance came for me to perform at an old folks home, which happens tomorrow, I thought immediately of a Something Corporate/Jack's Mannequin song. Yet the more I thought about it the more likely it seems that my intended audience have never heard of Andrew or his songs, despite his brilliance. As a result I switched my choice to a rather simple, yet timeless, tune by the Everly Brothers. I remember seeing Andrew covered it on Youtube and I was hooked. For tonight I'll step back from my familiar songs and return to the roots. This is where music came from, and in a way this is how Andrew was influenced. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the Everly Brothers.
I don't come from a broken family, but for the past five or six years it felt that I did. Perhaps it's better that way, it makes no difference anyway. Hands to my neck, I feel suffocated, breathless for long enough. I don't speak to my folks and I don't feel close to them the way I probably should. I recall days when they left for vacation and my sister and I had the whole house to ourselves. It's freedom I savor, something I felt lacking throughout my teenage life. As they were up 12000 feet up in the sky on an airplane Bangkok bound all that filled my mind was how much could I get away with. Even if they were gone for days there was no place for them in my thoughts. I stayed up some nights asking myself if the blame lies on me and I'll promise myself to make an effort to fix a cracked relationship once a new day starts, but apathy gets the better of me every time they sink me down with their scoldings. A quicksand battle for survival, that's how it feels like in an argument. What's the point in communication when I can't get through to them when they're so caught up in their views. I dread every turn of the main door knob that indicates they were home from work. I loathe every argument that they start only to end it with a nonsensical statement. Hate, it fills me up somedays when I'm so consumed with boiling anger. I feel like an orphan most of the time, but they're too blinded to see that. I think I shall take a walk alone down the streets, and maybe I'll throw away my keys.
I woke up to the annoying noise of an alarm ringing in my ears again, my blurry sight greeted by a gold soaked town with a hint of dark clouds threatening the end of the beautiful view. I love how my bed is next to the window, where changes in everything and anything in my town is visible through it. It has been two days of waking at 11.30am now and I've been suffering from a lack of a proper sleep this week, even on the weekends, hence a slight ache in my head right now. But that can be broken down to mean that I've had one of the best week this new year. On thursday night I returned home with a rolled up poster of the Boyslikegirls Asia tour that I went to. Flashing back to September 2006 I remembered playing a thirty second track on iTunes to check out this band, it's hard to explain how it feels like that a struggling band unknown in the US back then is now playing in the backyard of my country. 'Thunder' was a constant soundtrack in my room and I had the lyrics and melody right at my fingertips. For a seventeen year old teen that song definitely struck a chord with the romantic in me. With that said there aren't many overseas bands to look forward to perform in Singapore; the Killers canceled their Asia tour, Muse is in three days and I'm pretty sure I won't be attending Paramore's concert due to a lack of company. At least with Muse's concert there's Saosin and Rise Against opening for them. Color me excited, for there is going to be hysteria.
Bravery,
something that I never truly owned, only borrowed
A game of truth or dare was all we need
and these words will come spilling out of me in my drunken state
that I had my eyes locked on you the first day we met
that every love song I listened to reminded me of you
and every love song I written was about you
and now you're living your dream you spoke of
to fly to every corner of the world with brand new eyes
and every picture of every place you ever conquered
had memories of the past shot from my mind
when we stood together on a foreign land
where the sky opened up to pour some rain
and we acted like little kids in wonderland
when we wrapped ourselves under a cosy shelter
the moment so perfect
for our last first hand to hold
and our last first lips to taste
I would've bought you that yellow jacket you loved
that you posed for the mirror with a playful smile
our reflections stared back as you whispered in my ear
"We look good together"
I must've missed your boat a thousand times
and today and tomorrow and for so long
I could only wish you were mine
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