the last few months have been weird and I'm back into the swing of stranger beds in stranger places but that's okay. odd beds in the county and central illinois and anywhere that's not south st. louis city and home to pack/unpack.
some nights I'd like to go back and look at the things I broke, but that won't happen and can't anyway so you sort of just stumble to the back of the apartment onto a mattress with no sheets and a chorus of "one more X and Y (with Z and AA added to round the drink off and I promise I'm fine)". everything is sex and hurt feelings. I cringe when they tell me that they're 'fixers' because I never thought I was broken and who the hell are you anyway. you were always the problem to begin with but these vices made me real in a way that you can't understand. it's nothing but "oh shit oh shit" and "jesus fucking christ" anyway.
it was a glitch in the system, a mistake that was never supposed to happen made up of 1ís and 0ís and chapped hands caught in the cold for too many months. a peek into what could have been, maybe, or a real hard look at reality at least.
you let me in for a day or two. the war was over for awhile and I climbed under motel sheets in unfamiliar states with booze in my blood again. I slept heavy and woke up in jerks and sputters, uncomfortable in my skin and uncertain what I was doing there. I was intimidated for the first time in years by someone with a real life conscience, too. here, itís always ten oíclock. I felt comfortable on the move.
there was a truck idling outside my window, humming along to the sound of every city Iíve ever seen. this one feels different. Iíll fill my apartment with it and keep it alive. Iíll break it into pieces and hold onto it, put them back together in my head in a thousand different patterns that are all better than the last. Iíll make it home someday.
I was in a slum in mexico circa march 2007. I went to a catholic high school so it was a mission trip deal and none of us really knew where we were or where we were going, but we signed up to spend two weeks somewhere that was far away from home and that was good enough for us. it was damp. we showed up three days after the heaviest rain that part of the country had seen in years. it was work housing built around a medical supply manufacturing plant (surgical masks, latex gloves) on top of what used to be a dump. so seven inches of rain turned over seven (+) years of garbage and the whole place smelled like shit.
there were goddamn chickens everywhere, horses everywhere, dallas cowboy hats everywhere. we'd cross the border every morning and the crossing guards would inevitably pull open the doors on our fifteen passenger van and make us all roll out of seats and sleep one at a time. once they realized we were all white and not in the business of smuggling human beings they would laugh and gives us vaguely insulting nicknames. (bones, unsurprisingly). street kids would climb on the runners of the van and try to wash windshields to guilt you into giving them a couple bucks. our driver would scream at them and hit them with newspapers. I turned the volume clockwise and tried to sleep a bunch.
I listened to the format a lot. a big black 30 gig ipod that kept me company in the airports and on the bus rides and laying in a disgusting bed most of the nights. the worst coffee I've ever had in my life and shaving with rusty razors. 'dog problems' had come out the summer before but I was late to the party and regressed back towards 'interventions and lullabies' a couple years too late. (about two months after I got home I met nate ruess outside a show at off broadway. besides being one of the smallest people I've ever seen, it turns out he's a pretty huge asshole. whoops). I made phone calls home to a girl that I don't talk to anymore, and ate flour tortillas and sucked at spanish. we all got sick on the flight home. that was probably one of the best trips (of ten thousand) of my life.