I have this skill that impresses her. I can hear when she smiles.
I can almost feel her melt across the phone lines. She has so much possibility to make my world.
She relaxes me. She excites me. She frazzles every nerve in ways that I had put to rest long ago.
Walking in the snow wearing only socks. Waiting in the driveway. She's silly and cute.
And she cares. She has her own life, as I have mine. But somewhere someplace they meet. The branches have touched for a while and have begun to bend to each other. We will keep growing. Feeling each other out. Holding on to each other when we can.
I've held girls before. She was different. You meet people that you want to stay in your life. You meet people that you don't want to let go. You meet people that you want to "love."
Eventually, you meet the person that just is. You can see it all. The possibility and the promise. The hope and the heartache. It's all there.
This week has been unexpected. The holidays are always lame. It's seems like the only constant surrounding them, no matter which holidays they are, is that they mess up everything. Monday will be, and is, very welcome. There are times when things are going so well that you start to believe in them. Like you know eventually they will end, but you act now, doing your best until that time comes. Maybe that's why this week surprised me so. I wasn't ready for that moment to be so close. And of course it would be the holidays that showed that frailty. Relationships are hard work. No matter what anyone says, simple does not exist. They require effort and thought, and they are never perfect. No matter the smiles and butterflies, there's always a curve ball that will come around and strike you right in the face and bounce down and dent your heart before you know it.
She didn't expect me to hear the comment spoken in a room far away over the phone. She didn't want me to hear it all. But I did, and eight months of no issues suddenly slid to a grating halt with one huge issue. When someone you care about lies to you, it stings. And not a little everyday lie, but the kind that shakes your faith and trust in a somewhat significant other. I found myself in a quandry. In the past, this issue was easy to deal with. I turned my back and walked away. I learned how to dull the hurt. That sword was always double edged, because I would be able to help myself heal, but I always lost that person. A while ago I decided losing my people is not something I wanted to happen any longer. And with growing up comes the wisdom that maybe there are second chances, and maybe just maybe they are better then the first time around.
So I'm taking new steps. My heart has turned a new corner. It bears burdens now I do not want. But there's this thing about myself that I believe in. I have confidence. And I can show that. I can make our worlds collide. I've held back and let things develop as much as they ever will. Now it's time to push everything forward and grab what is nearly almost mine. There isn't luck here. There's no sense to wish it. What there is, is surety.