's Blog |
| | |  |
| Rumours
| | Coincidental |
Do you ever wonder what it takes for a waitress to give up her duties in the midst of your meal? It's not a ball game, waitresses aren't allowed to tire after a couple of innings serving watered down gin and tonics and thin pieces of pizza. I mean, I appreciate that they are doing work and making that paper, but is my demeanor so insulting that you can't stand to hear another one of my - let's face it - super hilarious jokes?
Or is it just that I kept unknowingly disconnecting the jukebox cord from the outlet? If that's the case, I totally understand. But to be fair, they shouldn't put the cord right under a table, it's bound to be jiggled from time to time. And if I do say so myself (I DO!), I did the restaurant a favor by stopping the 3rd Bon Jovi song in what was sure to be a magical 5 song Bon Jovi set, courtesy of the haggard looking woman in blue flannel. Something tells me she could use some time to think clearly without treated guitars and midwest mantras flowing through her slightly dense skull.
But maybe the biggest problem was that the new waitress was sort of a bi**h. She didn't have any of the flair the last one did. She mumbled. But then, just by the luck of good timing, she heard Dan telling me, I'm sure, to kill myself for the 14th time that day, and interjects, "My baby's name is Blake, too!"
To which I reply, "I hope he doesn't turn out like me." And then I think when she brought our pizza out there was an extra topping that I didn't recall ordering. But if we ponder on things like that for too long we will certainly lose all of our hair. And I'm nothing without my hair. But I will say this, she was a little less cool towards us after the name revelation. Because I have the theory that even if you meet a person with the name of one of your loved ones and they suck, you still feel bad treating them like total crap. Unless, of course, you are into domestic abuse. But if that's the case, please stop reading this blog.
Hear that convicts, STORE IS CLOSED.
BLAKEallmystoriestakeplaceinrestaur ants | | Tags: blake, waitress |
|
| | Gehrig |
| How weird can you be if you keep calling yourself weird? | | Tags: blake |
|
| | sweetbitter |
This post is bittersweet because Adam P. allowed me the opportunity to do something I never, ever do: push my opinion on people. I am featured in his Five and Alive spot this week, which somehow made the front-page cut. I'm not complaining, though, it's definitely a cool honor.
So check out the blog HERE HERE HERE and let us know what your "under the radar" albums are. And maybe check out one of mine? Whatever, your hands aren't tied.
Oh, and the bittersweet part? My Big Brother wrap-up blog will now officially leave the front page of this blog. That means Ms. Jordan will also be gone. Let's all take a moment and remember her cunning lack of every skill necessary to actually win that reality show. It's astounding.
Love and more love
BLAKE | | Tags: blake, five and alive, big brother |
|
| | Sound Sad |
My mother is a holidayaholic. It doesn't matter what the event is, be it something important like Flag Day or something that's less important than Flag Day (i.e. President's Day). There's no celebration too small for her. In fact, after one of my childhood home's many redesigns, an odd thing when you think about it because you invite - at certain points, up to 15 strangers into your home to make it more like what you think "your home" should look like - she hollowed out some room for a closet the size of a mausoleum just for holiday decorations. Have you ever studied a blueprint? It's weird. But I think I'm digressing, although it is hard to digress when you don't really have a target or point. We'll find it together. TREASURE MAP.
Anyways, I don't check my mail often. Atlanta seems to be the capital of fast food coupon handouts, and it kinda bums me out because our country is in such a bad way that something that was previously 2 dollars is now just 1! and we are supposedly better off for it. But when I was speaking to her today, she mentioned that she had sent me a Halloween card. It even came in an orange envelope. Spooky! I went down to the mailbox and sifted through a particularly jarring image of Popeye's Chicken (the hand offering me the fried food was clearly in need of a manicure - details, people!) When I opened the card I found a 10 dollar bill.
And you know where this is going! TO THE LIQUOR STORE. No just kidding, I bought music on iTunes (Foals' Gold Gold Gold EP and Driver F's Not Home Yet EP.) But having said that thing about Popeye's, it was pretty hard to not just go there with the cash. I'm not sure if I've ever received a Halloween card before, but it was definitely way better than whatever you did today. It will go perfectly next to my Flag Day card.
WE MADE IT! 2009!
BLAKE | | Tags: blake, blog, momma |
|
| | At Least We Are Civilized |
this song owns my life right now:
Driver F - "At Least We Are Civilized"
-- "Alone in a crowded room
wondering what everyone is thinking about me
And I've second guessed myself to the point
that even my heart started to doubt me
So I started running
Until I couldn't feel my legs
Then I kept on running
Until I couldn't recognize my own eyes in the mirror
As they stare right back at the ghost I had become
I couldn't remember why I started to run
I gave up
No more running
Now everything is different
No, let me explain
You see, nothing is different
It's just, I am not the same
Oh, if I could make a difference
If I could make one change
I pray to God just one soul could hear these words
So they won't have to feel the pain
of waking up every morning
fever sick and scared to get out of bed
Not knowing if I took in oxygen
would it just be one breath closer to death
And I've been there before
Barely living for a year or more
And I've asked myself a million times and I said
"Can I live like this?"
"Yes I can live like this."
"No, I must insist I can't live like this" --
cliff notes version: YES I CAN
Save The White Whale rules.
BLAKE | | Tags: driver f, optimism |
|
| | | Channels |
this was going to be the start of another terrible review, but the music aspect of it took a backburner as I had one of those "evaluate thyself" moments. Maybe you can find some truth in my ramblings.
On very rare occasions do I find it necessary to go deeper on a subject. Human-to-“human” interaction is so bizarrely random that there’s really no reason to ever delve into discussion. But when these times do appear, like a magician’s rabbit, they must be embraced. Earlier a discussion about, what else, women, turned into a forum on the future and just what it holds; you know, “what if”-type discussions that is the bread and butter of me and my 20-something friends. One dear fellow had everything mapped out until he was 32 (he is currently 22 and 3 weeks old), and I believe my response was something like, “Apathy, blah blah, look how cool I am because I don’t care, blah blah.”
However, my reasoning behind not having a plan, which is sort of a farce, but go with me, is just that you never know. I didn’t even know the life I’m currently living existed 6 months ago, but here I am. For me to place restraints upon something as ambiguous as the future just seems like being chained down. Now don’t misconstrue what I’m saying as, “I’m too cool for dreams and/or goals.” I have monster ones, scary big ones. But I feel like they will happen in due time if I just keep my ideals the same and treat each new day like a new chance. And if I have a lakehouse when I’m 32, cool, I’m digging it. But if that dream is pushed until 40 because I found out that I have a talent at something else, then cool. That’s how I started writing at AP.net, and that’s how I ended up at Creative Circus. I worked really hard and let that push me in the right direction. So far it hasn’t proved me wrong. If you just care about something, and care enough about it to become better at it, the rest will happen. And if all we can do is wow ourselves, then so be it. I don’t know about you, but I have to live with myself, and it may seem selfish to be all about Blake, but it’s important. Put on your blinders and run the race against yourself. Cliché, tearjerker alert: you’ll always finish first. But you will also finish last, which makes the whole thing a learning experience if you’re willing to dissect that which makes you great and terrible. But if you evaluate the great first, I won’t judge you.
BLAKE | | Tags: future |
|
| | Mr. Rhythm |
Dreams are for the sublime, the unreachable. They should inspire us and leave us with the faint taste of "what will probably never be." The best dreams are the most bizarre; it's a fading reminder of what this world would be like if we had our way as children. I don't want to say that a dream about fish with legs and electricity that runs on shaved unicorn horns is what keeps me going, but it surely doesn't slow me down.
But lately I've been dreaming about just one thing: The chopped pork sandwich at Fatt Matt's Rib Shack. And it puts me in this weird space, because, 1.) I'm wasting dreams on something I could literally walk to and 2.) If I indulge my every pig-related whim, will I die from pleasure or from some diet deficiency first?
This place's barbecue sauce is so good that my dreams are so good that they become nightmares. I end up scared of the perfected tanginess and calculated kick.
I go to sleep hungry, if only to lucid dream myself into one of the restaurant's uncomfortable chairs. Hopefully there will be a band of 50-something's trying to hold on to their dream of jazz or blues stardom. And they'll be playing for 8 of us like we're Madison Square Garden if MSG let you carry a tip jar on stage. They'll sing Joe Cocker or do their best Muddy Waters, and then a song you don't know will come on, and it's the best of the bunch. Of course, that blissful number will be an original number. And you think, "This dude was probably sitting at a bank teller's window this morning and now he's literally ripped the skin from my face. AND THAT FEDORA. HOW OLD DO I HAVE TO BE BEFORE I CAN WEAR A FEDORA? HOW FULL MUST MY MUSTACHE BE??"
So take a nap and envision your ridiculous world of cars that get 2,000 mpg or your world where women and apples grow from the same tree, and then once the women are picked, they pick the apples and feed them to you. Take that route if you want.
I'll be pondering the taste of coleslaw, and I can only wish the same for you.
BLAKE | | Tags: blake, fatt matt's rib shack |
|
| | Worst Album of 2009 |
Many of you will say that it's someone like Brokencyde or that little white dude trapped in a black A&R rep's body, but the real steaming pile of abomination for this year belongs to
The Fall of Troy - In The Unlikely Event
Erak sounds worse than ever. There are no redeemable melodies, just screeching and idiotic riffing. It's like handing a 3 year old a set of crayons and letting him go nuts. Yes, there's no such thing as "incorrect art," but if there was, this would be it.
I weep.
BLAKE | | Tags: worst album of 2009, fall of troy, blake |
|
| | Newism |
Yawn. Blink. Wake. Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz. Oh snap, my phone is ringing. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST DAY EVER.
Oh, hi mom.
But this wasn't just any phone call. This was THE phone call. "Use your credit card. Buy things. FIX THIS ECONOMY."
You know, that's a tall order. But if anyone is up to the task of jumpstarting this dead bull (or is it a bear? In my regular economics we played an outdated boardgame called "Poverty." I think you can guess the point. What you won't guess, or, maybe, you will, is the extreme racism packed into each uncomfortable minute of gametime.)
I'm not sure if I've ever been unleashed upon the unknowing public in this way before. Here the mall is a place to see hot chicks. So I thought, "I might as well return the favor." THAT MEANS I TOOK A SHOWER AND PUT ON MY NIKES. Too bad my old man white socks peak over the top. Kind of kills the vibe. But if you're into that thing: blake.solomon@absolutepunk.net
Now, I had instructions to go to the mall. This seemed simple enough. I know where it is. It's over by the highway or something. But you'd never guess what I found on the way: TARGET. They have clothes at target, another thing I found out. They even sell Mossimo clothes. Hold it, let me be more specific. They sell Mossimo Flannel Shirts.
You know your boy had to have one. It's yellow and baby blue. Look out for me, I'll be stunting somewhere. The portly Mexican woman (she was from Mexico, I asked), said it went with my hair. I think this is something we overlook when it comes to fashion: DO THESE SHORT SHORTS GO WITH MY SHORT LOCKS?
Feeling guilty, I went to the mall, my original destination. I tried to valet, but apparently you have to drive something other than a Hyundai Tiburon (that's a korean car with a spanish name made in America). They don't appreciate culture at North Park Mall in Dallas, TX. Call your congressman. Tell him you know about his "stuff." He should comply.
Then I bought something else. And a Snickers bar.
And now i'm here. If you're wondering about this inane rambling, take a look at the blog below. Careful what you wish for, people.
BLAKE | | Tags: blake, story |
|
| | Deblogged |
So here's the deal. I began this blog a few years ago because of a night like this, in this very room. I was bored and decided, much in the same feverish passion that I complete 5 crossword puzzles a day, that if writing was going to be my thing, that I'd, you know, have to practice it. Maybe it was Jesus that said, "Stop being lazy." Point is, this blog was born out of simple, almost childish circumstances. Since then it has taken on many forms. Last summer it became a travel blog. Then when I moved back to America, it became an advertising-centric blog because I no longer had any funny stories to tell. And also because domestic long distance rates don't exist anymore. Essentially, those that wanted to keep up with day-to-day Blake could do so with a simple phone call (as long as it was after 10 A.M., I'm not in the army!)
But the funny thing about coming home at random, brief intervals is this: people see you for short amounts of time and they must then unleash a bevy of info on you in a short amount of time. A casual lunch is not casual. Watching Sunday Night Football shouldn't be done without full pads. This is partly my fault - at one of these "little rendevouses, (what's the plural of rendevous? Francois, you there?) -I was told that my "text etiquette" is less than adequate. Fine, the little buttons make me anxious. My phone is the size of an Ice Cream Sandwich. I leave it places other than my pocket. Excuses, though, are not why we're here.
I'd like to think of myself as pretty in-tune with myself. As a great man once said (ahem, ME), "We know so few things well, why not get to know ourselves first?" But during this sprint of a vacation, I learned something unexpected from everyone BUT me.
-My beard makes my face look fact.
-My blogs are boring, especially when they are about bands or advertising
-I don't know how to return phone calls or text messages.
-Every person, regardless of age, has stumbled across my photo shoot in which I wore booty shorts covered in mud. They were (understandably) uncomfortable bringing this to my attention online, because that takes e-stalker to a new level. Or something.
And if all this is reading like a, hey, i'm important! sort of thing, forgive me. Really, this whole thing will be fully understood by like 3 family members, none of whom you know. OR IS IT WHO YOU KNOW? WHAT'S A PREDICATE? EMAIL ANSWERS TO blake.solomon@absolutepunk.net. I just want those select few to know that I am taking in your requests, complaints, ideas, and processing them. (I feel like RyanFTW over here with all this "you care what i think crap!")
We'll see how it turns out. I would like to tell a few more real-world stories in here, because strange things typically happen to me. Like when a Dominican man fixed my spark plug in a movie theater parking lot. Or when, well, I was asked to be in a mud-themed photoshoot for a fake fashion line called Dirtique (OR SOMETHING.). Or, umm, when I took part in a "Pepsi Challenge" where the two liquids were simply filtered water and non-filtered water. (I CHOSE RIGHT!)
So hey, if that recession is beating down on you (i am still taking donations) and you have snot-nosed kids in school or your hair isn't growing back as fast as that Mexican doctor said it would, look no further. BLAKE BLOG PHASE WHATEVER STARTS NOW.
you're welcome, world.
 | | Tags: blake, REBIRTH |
|
| | Now for something I hate |
because I'm complex, duh
Levi's "Go Forth" campaign sucks. I don't care what it won at Cannes or the One Show or blah blah, it sucks. This isn't a new realization, but I just realized, you know, in concrete fashion, why I don't like it:
A post on AgencySpy was discussing the brand's newly announced sponsorship of the worst musical to surely ever be made: "American Idiot: The Musical." I threw up just typing that.
But the thing that gets me is this line: Seems Levi's has found a suitable tie-in to its "Go Forth" campaign, which is centered on the theme of "America's youth forging its own path."
And I was like, duh, it's so simple! I hate this because if I'm going to forge my own path, I'm going to do it wearing cargo shorts and maybe a tank-top with something ironic scrawled across it. I'm not going to wear your appropriated ex-miner jeans. Don't give me "uplifting" crap like this:
While probably fun to make and sell to a client, you know, ironically and all, i just can't get behind these. I'll forge my own path without your million dollar marketing budget thank you very much.
And, hey Green Day, you are my least favorite people ever.
But, Green Day, make sure to keep loving yourself despite what I say. Yes, that goes for you out there as well! | | Tags: blake, i hate levis no matter what you say |
|
| | A Few Things I Love Right Now |
because we all need happy in our lives:
1.) Community - Joel McHale is fantastic as a narcissistic lawyer in NBC's new Thursday night comedy. Add Chevy Chase and a dude with Asperger's and you've got what can hopefully become a veritable smash hit.
Here's a snippet.
2.) Balance and Composure - not really sure what to say about these guys and their recent release Only Boundaries, except that their punk-ish, post-hardcore sound is so chock full of intriguing goodness that I can't seem to pull myself away. I might not hear another band this year and that would be ok
3.) Double Stuff Oreos - don't judge me
4.) Naked by David Sedaris - a memoir by a comedian that hates memoirs is as funny as you think.
5.) The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - again, don't judge me.
6.) Tigers Jaw - a little more acoustic than electric, this new band is clearly stuck in a mid 90's PA time warp. But some days, so am I. Their song "I Saw Water" is great because the best parts lie underneat the vocals and fast guitars. Jazzy bass lines and a drum fill that I can't even picture make this "simple" song "complex."
and maybe you'll love this stuff, too. Or just love yourself. That works, too. | | Tags: blake, things i love |
|
| | | dominate |
I've never dominated the news page like this before.
Oddly, I feel even more inadequate than normal. But at least the world knows when/where ICP is touring, what movie Justin Timberlake is starring in and what television show is Fall Out Boy's favorite.
Is this why we evolved?
BLAKE | | Tags: blake, news, sad face |
|
| |
|
| Blog Tools
|
Browse Blogs
Start a Blog
The Charts
Adv. Search
Being a Kid
Share This Blog
Blog Tags
Profile Picture
Currently Playing
RSS Feed