And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says "Andy, the doctors prescribed me the pills
I know I'm not crazy, I just lost my will
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"
I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down and don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide
To the sleepless this is my reply;
I will write you a lullaby
The past few days have been anything but enjoyable. I wake in the morning, my throat on fire. I must be sick. I crawl through my day of classes. One of the disadvantages of going to a small school is the fact that everywhere I go I am greeted by the face of somebody I would rather not see. Too many people here who have negative ties to my past. Too many fucking ghosts. I have been over this time and time and time again.
My friend asks "Do you think it was a mistake staying here?" "Yeah," I say, "but neither you nor I could have predicted that things would have gotten this shitty." Looking back , I wish I had left. I was naive. I had the girl. I had the connections. I didn't plan on losing everyone. I didn't plan on losing my mind. Then again, nobody plans on those things. They just happen.
I go to the doctor. She's not the usual doctor. Hi I'm so and so and I'm filling in for doctor so and so today. How are you doing. I've been better. What seems to be the deal. My throat hurts, my head feels full of hell. I can't breathe. Sounds like you're doing great. She doesn't have a ring on her finger. I remember that I saw her last year when I had a battery of tests done. She's still just as attractive, obviously still single. She takes my pulse. I think about how it would be to fuck her. She checks my breathing. I think about how it would be to fuck her. My ears. I think about how it would be to fuck her. These aren't the usual thoughts I am presented with when I go to the doctor. My mind is filled with a thousand scripts from low budget porn films. She will probably go home and fuck her hedge fund managing boyfriend. I will go home and stare at the wall.
I have a massive ear infection, as well as a sinus infection. I get giant pills to take. Okay.
The withdrawal from my antidepressant has reached a new level of shittiness. I cannot turn my head or move my eyes without a feeling of electricity shooting through my brain and down my arms. I cannot sleep. I cannot move. There isn't much to do to feel better. I can either go back on the horrible drug I am withdrawing from, or I can endure the symptoms and wait for them to subside. There is no set timetable for these things. Everyone is on a case to case basis.
Needless to say, dealing with a conventional sickness at the same time as fighting withdrawal from the harshest of the SSRI family feels like shit. I didn't go to school today.
I would like something that feels good. What do I have to do to find something that feels good.
Andy, you never said how your friend ended up. I hope she is doing better.
Summer has come to an end. With the return to school, my daily routine of nothingness has been interrupted. I get up. I go to school. I try to stay awake. I come home. I try not to sleep too much.
I know most of the faces, still. Some I don't want to see, but most I'm just indifferent to. Yeah yeah, summer was fine. Yeah, see you around. There is the yearly influx of freshmen girls. You can tell who is a freshman because they are trying too hard to look good. They will soon learn to not give a fuck, and that nobody really cares how fancy they look on their way to class.
I am 22 years old. I do not listen to country music. I did not fall out of the pages of a Hollister advertisement. I do not drink shitty light beer. I grew out of the party scene years ago. How the fuck am I supposed to meet anyone? Are any of these people even worth getting to know? What is the easy way out?
There is a girl in a class of mine that I recognize from the past year or so. I don't know her name. I have never spoken to her. She is easily one of the most attractive girls I have ever seen in my life. She just has a look to her. It is a pleasant distraction. She has a boyfriend. I do not plan on ever speaking to her.
I am still going through the motions. Finish my classes, get a degree, move on to somewhere and do something. There isn't much of a plan. My life is still a disorganized desk of to-do lists, mixtapes, and prescription bottles.
I do not miss the people who have fallen off of my pages.
If you were coming here expecting a download of my song, I'm sorry to disappoint. Not yet, at least. I got my song just after midnight, and was immediately floored. It's about the same length as the others, and I truly enjoy it. My only complaint is the quality is a bit low for my highly trained ears. The data on the mp3 file says there is an 11 to 1 compression, which is insane. I know Max is doing this all on his own, but a higher quality track would have been the icing on the cake. I'm not really complaining, I love the song already. Since I know some of you are oh so interested in the details, here you go.
Say Anything - Abuse My Body
abuse my body
with all these pills
i'm getting older
you got me killed
you made me hate myself so easily, yeah
i'm so perverted
i'm so damn sick
you slapped me sideways
the snake constricts
you made me hate myself so easily
you made me hate myself so easily, yeah
I wake. The ceiling stares back at me. The covers are off. The room is quiet. Something is not right. I stare at the wall, and my sense of perceptions fails completely. The room is huge. The room is tiny. A wave of dizziness washes over me, and I feel the familiar burn begin in my chest. I cannot breathe.
Not now. Please. Not again.
I stand in the middle of my bedroom as the feeling of fire crawls under my skin and through my limbs. In an instant my mind is filled with a thousand thoughts. Heart rate skyrockets. Part of me is caught up in the terror of the moment, and another part of me is screaming “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU” to the synapses in my brain. I reach for the Xanax. I crawl back into bed. I sleep for 12 hours.
A setback. An anomaly. A bad day. I am hoping that is all this was. This was an old school panic attack, identical to the ones that used to hit me a year or so ago. There is no trigger. There is no warning. I have no idea why this hit me, I haven’t had one of those in quite some time. Each one is just as terrifying as the last.
I do not know if I can go through this again. I have been on so much fucking medication. It was supposed to be working, I thought it was. Nothing catastrophic or dramatic has been going on in my life lately, there is no reason for my body to be doing this to me, not all of a sudden. I just want to feel okay. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Does it ever stop? Does it ever get better? I am tired of fighting this fight. I am so tired.
I find it frustrating, and almost laughable, that people can complain about a situation that is entirely their own fault. Common sense is being given out less and less it seems. What amazes me even more is when somebody refuses to do anything at all to help themselves or fix the problem, when it's really not that big of a deal to begin with.
Seriously, what the fuck is going through people's heads these days?
This might have been the best concert I have ever seen. There are a few others that could possibly compete for that spot, but this night was something truly special.
Butch Walker's "One Man Band" Tour played exclusively in Atlanta for two nights, and I had the privilege to be there for the opening show. Center Stage is one of the best spots in the city to see a show. There is not a bad seat in the house, and the sound was spot on. Anyways, the show...
After much anticipation and only one opener, Butch took the stage. He started out with some new songs which most of us knew as they have been floating around the internet for some time. Of the dozen or so Butch shows I've been to, I'm not sure if I've ever seen an audience this receptive. He always gets a huge welcome home in Atlanta but this was above and beyond what even I am used to. Maybe it was because he hasn't played here in awhile. Maybe it was because it was his first show here since he lost everything in the fire. Some parts reminded me of being at a Dashboard Confessional show, with every single person in the audience singing along, our voices blending with his. The crowd was passionate, but never overpowering.
The highlight of the evening for me had to be Butch finally playing "Grant Park." He was fooling around on piano for awhile, and then started to pull people up from the audience and giving them instruments like a tambourine, a maraca, a keyboard, and one kid even got to play drums. Butch gave them a beat to play, and then went into Grant Park with them playing along. My head exploded at this point, my friend and I looked at each other, screamed, and started to sing along. I had been waiting 7 years to hear this song again and it did not disappoint. The crowd was explosive at this point, but the fun had only just begun.
Butch then transitioned into "Stateline," which has become a new crowd favorite since he began playing it regularly last year. Halfway through the song, some people walked out on stage and picked up instruments. The Let's Go Out Tonite's! So much for this being a one man band show. Butch's band came out and backed him up for the rest of the song, and for most of the rest of the show. This was pretty rad considering were were expecting nothing more than a chill performance from Butch himself.
Butch played some songs, new and old, with The Let's Go Out Tonite's, and then they left the stage. He started Cigarette Lighter Love Song, and then there was more activity on the darkened stage.
The Marvelous 3. The Marvelous 3 are back on stage. The Marvelous 3 are playing Cigarette Lighter Love Song. Oh my God.
Jayce and Slug came out and tore through CLLS, and then went into Indie Queen, an old Marvelous 3 song. These guys still have the magic. These guys still have the chemistry that made me fall in love with their songs nearly a decade ago. Slug totally killed it on the drums, and Jayce was singing along with almost every word in Indie Queen. With a few kind words and a hug, they left. It is always a dream come true when I see those guys play together, and I can only hope one day they give it a proper goodbye.
Butch closed out the night with "Best Thing You Never Had" going into an enormous version of "When Canyons Ruled The City" with the house lights up, Butch perched over the edge of the stage directing the audience, and the entire crowd singing along.
It was a night full of surprises, and when I think to my spoiled self that there's no way Butch could possibly top the previous shows he has put on, he does. Incredible performance. If you ever have a chance to see him play, do it.
If you get to experience even a fraction of what I did, there is no way you could leave disappointed.
Ships in a Bottle
A Song for the Metalheads
Diary of a San Fernando Sexx Star
Past Your Place
Here Comes The...
#1 Summer Jam
Taste of Red
3 Kids in Brooklyn
Maybe Its Just Me
Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Race Cars and Goth Rock
Cigarette Lighter Love Song
Best Thing You Never Had
When Canyons Ruled the City
wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now
I have not spoken face to face with a real human being in six days. I slept almost the entire day, waking up sporadically to let the dog in or out, to get the mail, to move from couch to bed, to take some pills.
Tonight is the last night at home by myself, and that is probably for the best. I will do ungodly amounts of chores today in an effort to make it appear that I am not as big of a waste product as I really am, and so that I am not criticized when everyone returns. This is assuming I can actually stay awake while the sun is shining.
People who have somebody usually don't often realize how lucky they are.
That being said, I realize I'm not exactly dating material lately.
My neighbor died yesterday morning. Across the street there is a seemingly never ending parade of cars. Coming. Going. Doors open. Close. Children play on the lawn. Friends and relatives bring food. Yeah yeah, thanks for the casserole. Yeah yeah, the chicken salad looks wonderful.
His son sits on the porch. Barely 18 years old. His girlfriend sits next to him. They do not talk. There is nothing to say. I watch them for a moment and I wonder what they are feeling. The weight of his loss is immeasurable. Assuming she is a good girlfriend, she wants nothing more than to distract him from the scene surrounding them. Perhaps she will succeed for a short while, but it will only be a band aid. This isn't something you fix. It is something you accept.
They do not deserve this, but fate does not ask our permission.
I am alone for the week. The house is quiet once again.
Fireflies are filling the backyard.
sometimes you have to see the beauty
in all of this loneliness