I am chasing a feeling that I am unsure is even possible to get back. A feeling, hidden among starry summer nights, tangled in phone lines and cool bedsheets, in the bottom of your stomach that you aren't sure where it's coming from or when it even started, but you know you never want it to go away.
If these are the best days of our lives then what the fuck comes next.
You are stuck in my head along with a combination of trite song lyrics and the lingering thought that this is all a lost cause.
I'm not sure how somebody, after abandoning a friendship and disregarding my existence for months, can possibly think that it would be acceptable to ask me to move in with them due to their sudden need for a roommate. I replied, "How much?" I don't even really care. Assuming I get a response, I will probably write back something to be effect of, "That would be really great if you hadn't given up on me and our friendship."
People are not good to each other.
My health has been in an unpleasant state recently. What were once moderate and fairly controlled anxiety levels have steamrolled into a nearly overwhelming condition of being completely fucked. I am still not entirely convinced that there is nothing wrong with me. Either I am truly a hypochondriac, or something is wrong. I am a mess.
The thought of going back on medication is horrifying. I lose a little bit more of myself each time those chemicals go into my bloodstream. I do not want to do that again. I cannot do that again. I already feel like I am losing my mind, and I already feel like I am dying. Where is the middle ground?
I love being the center of attention. The attention is even better when it's coming from people I feel are worthwhile. For me, those kind of people are hard to find. I suppose there's something wrong with me or I'm just a generally awful human being, but for the most part, people just annoy me.
I think she has a boyfriend. Typical.
It's not that I don't have interests elsewhere, it's just that I'm realistic. I know what can work, and what cannot. I have such little motivation left in me, why would I even bother?
Your dream girl is your dream girl because you know you'll never get her.
We all have something we think we deserve. We all want something we cannot have.
And then we settle. Or we do nothing. We fucking do nothing.
I have had enough of these frozen Georgia nights.
can you please remind me how you feel
this emptiness is real
and I can't bear the thought of it
can you please remind me how to smile?
I lost track after awhile
is happiness so hard to get?
Spring has started to roll in, and with the warm air comes a vivid recollection of how things used to be around this time of the year. The seasons do this to me, fall and spring the most. I get filled with this rush of nostalgia, like some sort of perpetual deja vu. Sometimes I'll wake up and for a moment I will feel as if I'm five years younger. I wonder if other people experience this. Funny how some things change so fast, and how some things don't change at all.
Hopefully these next couple of months will give me some opportunities to make memories worth pulling out at a later date. Far too much monotony these days.
a crown of gold
a heart that's harder than stone
and it hurts a whole lot
but it's missed when it's gone
She calls and I don't answer. She calls again. She sends a text. I push my phone to the corner of my desk. I find it easier to ignore people. It saves the trouble of having to explain that I just don't care.
An acquaintance of mine got engaged. I won't call her a friend, because she isn't anymore. She is one of those people that as soon as they find a significant other, everyone else becomes an insignificant other. They are doomed, and all I can think about is how terrible her engagement ring looks. I hate them for their happiness.
400 miles away a girl has to be awake entirely too early to drive her friend to get chemo. Twenty something year old kids should not have to deal with this.
I know how she feels, at least somewhat.
How do you keep yourself in check while trying to be strong for your friend?
I still miss him. Growing up with somebody like that and then losing them at such a young age is not in the least bit fair. I don't understand.
At times I feel like I failed him. Maybe I didn't visit enough. He was out of state a lot getting treatment, but I feel like maybe I still could have done more. I see his mother, a professor, at school a few times each week. It breaks my heart. I used to think I had all the answers, but after he died, all I had were questions, and all I had was nothing.
I hope your story has the happy ending that mine did not.
My phone buzzes. She has sent me a text once again. She asks how I am. I tell her fine, I am going out. She says she misses me. I say nothing.
400 miles away I still don't know what your laugh sounds like.
If there's one thing I miss, it's having somebody who would call in the middle of the night, just to hear me talk about absolutely nothing at all. Listening to me ramble about politics, music, this shitty town, these shitty people, what I want, what I'm trying to get.
I have a hard time finding people I can genuinely give a fuck about. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them. I think it's me.
There are times when you'll be there, in the dark, nobody saying anything at all. Maybe you can't think of anything to say maybe she can't think of anything to say maybe something is running through your mind that you don't know if it should be spoken out loud. Your lips only move to exhale the air from your lungs.
Silent. But it's okay. There is no awkwardness. If anything, it's comforting. Sometimes it's good just to know that there is somebody else on the other end. Despite a lack of words, everything that needs to be said is being said.
Maybe you've heard it.
Maybe you've felt it.
And at night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
It's a pretty good song
Maybe you know the rest
Maybe you know the rest
And Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
Always kinda sorta wished I looked like Elvis
And in my head there's all these classic cars
And outlaw cowboy bands
I always kinda sorta wished I was someone else
I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
I remember being in your car. With this song playing, I wonder now if I scoffed at the irony. I can still see the road curving through the trees and the mountains. I know where we were, I remember how you looked how you smelled how you smiled. You had driven for miles just so we could get out of town, to get away from everyone else. It was one of those days where it felt like it went on endlessly, and yet when it was done we wondered "Is that all, is it over already?" The air was frozen, late fall was giving way to the silence and and monochromatic embrace of winter.
Why this memory has stuck with me, I haven't a clue. Years have passed, but it took up residency somewhere deep inside my brain and it comes out surprisingly often. We have completely exited each other's lives and it seems like that is truly how it was meant to be. It's not you that I miss, althought to say that I don't miss you would be a lie. The feeling that has stayed with me since that day is something I cannot forget. It was a feeling of being complete. A feeling of being part of something bigger than myself without even having to do anything. Things were right. Things were good things were good things were so good. This sincerely could have been the last time I felt happy.
Was it love? I know I fucked things up terribly, but for that moment, was it love?
It terrifies me to consider the notion that this experience is lost and gone forever. Was it really that fleeting? Please say no. I need it again, I need to feel that again. I have no idea when or where or how or who or anything.
People come and go, but things like that, they stay with you. They make you who you are.
There are instances in life that parallel the songs we love so accurately it is nothing short of remarkable.
It is nothing short of beautiful.
Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.
Except for today. Lots of it. The temperature needs to go down 1 more degree and it should start sticking. This is quite exciting since I haven't seen snow in a longgg time. The people down here don't like snow at all. They stay inside and wait it out. Everything gets quiet and calm. I love it.
I attribute my lack of holiday enthusiasm to the absence of snow. The two are highly dependent on one another. Maybe I'll get lucky this season.
"So how much longer do you think you guys will be together?" I ask curiously. She deserves better. She might make poor decisions, but she deserves better.
"Five months," she says.
"Really? You guys are on the verge of breaking up day to day, and you're going to drag it out for five months?" I wonder why she would do this to herself. Routines are hard to break. Maybe she's just afraid of not having somebody around. She seems like the needy type.
She asks if I would like to get together and study before the final. I gladly agree to. She gives me her phone number. I get the idea she is being slightly flirtatious, and I'm totally okay with that.
Today the horoscope read "Do not want something simply because it belongs to someone else."
I've lost count of the times this week where a girl has been complaining about how shitty her boyfriend is. "I was in the hospital for three days until he came to visit me," she says. "He jokes about breaking up with me, but I swear he means it." "I moved out, I can't believe I'm living with my mom again. But we aren't breaking up, just getting some distance." Blah blah blah.
There's millions of people like this out there. Resigning themselves to some sort of mediocre sideshow of a relationship.
And I can hardly find anyone I even want to have a conversation with.
I can hardly express how good this felt. I needed this. So bad. A wonderful evening. I was incredibly surprised at how well I managed myself. Usually these things end in horrible panic attacks, or running into people I'd rather not see. I ended up seeing hardly anyone I knew. I don't know where these kids came from. Atlanta, high schools, somewhere, it beats the fuck out of me who they are. The crowd was huge, probably 1000 kids in attendance.
Fuck them, this is my show.
I don't know when it started or what song it was or what lyric was being sung. I could just feel it start to rise up inside of me, I could feel my eyes begin to water, skin begin to tingle. Something hit me. God, I have missed this feeling. Come on come on come on. I look around, and I see all of these beautiful strangers singing with me. Their voices, the music, filling my ears.
It worked. It took me back. It felt the same as it used to. Something that had been gone for so long. It was brief, but I could feel it. Life had been put on pause. There were no tests there were no bills there were no doctors appointments there were no fairweather friends.
A sudden rush of nostalgia mixed with an avalanche of hope. You've still got it man, it still works. You aren't as numb as you think. You aren't too far gone.
The words hit me like never before. It could have been any band I loved, tonight it just happened to be Relient K. While they are an energetic pop punk band on the surface, it's surprising how many of their songs have such a strong message. These weren't just songs tonight. They were gifts.
There was me. There was music. Dare I say it felt inspirational.
This is why we do it, this is why we listen.
It was overwhelming in the greatest way possible.
and tomorrow I know
will be rainy at best
and the forecast I know
is that Iíll be depressed
but Iíll wait outside
hoping that Iíll catch sight
of the sun
Relient K is doing a pretty low key show tonight at school here in North Georgia. I wouldn't say there's more than 20 or 30 kids here who could actually be considered "fans" of this band. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is opening, and most of the kids are going to see them.
I haven't been to a scene show in forever. This won't necessarily be the atmosphere I am used to for a concert, but I don't give a fuck. I love this band and their live show is awesome. It's great not having to go an hour and a half to Atlanta to see a band play for once.
It's been such a long, long time since I've been able to sing along with a band that I love.
Tonight I will feel a little bit younger, and I will forget about all the bullshit, even if only for a short time. These guys take me back to when things were a little more simple, and a lot more fun. Tonight I will feel how I used to feel.
There are two tickets to see Butch Walker in Atlanta sitting on my desk. The show is happening as we speak. Obviously, I will not be attending.
Sometimes plans just don't work out. I'm not even sure if disappointment is the word anymore. I expect things to fuck up, to go wrong. It is more of a surprise when they actually go according to plan.
The worst part is that I'm not even really that bummed. Missing a chance to see the guy who inspired my passion for music in an intimate setting on the eve of his new record being released, and I am hardly even upset. I'm just so fucking used to this sort of thing. It is standard. One more event on the list of things to make up for, some day, some how.
I am surrounded by people who disappoint me, and by people who do not care. I am surrounded by people I feel nothing for. I am surrounded by people who have nothing to offer me. This town might as well be empty. I'm pretty sure it is.
something dies as you grow older
but you do the best you can
I feel inadequate as a writer due to the fact I am unable to conjure up anything creative enough to say. It's not right to try to force it. You shouldn't be writing unless you feel the words bursting from your insides, demanding to be told. My mind is full of ideas, phrases, lines, and words, but I often feel absolutely apathetic to piece them together. I often feel nothing.
The holiday season is approaching. I should probably start drinking again.
I have spent the past month or so coming off of the various medications I was on. Maybe that is why I feel so dull. They were causing so much artificial stimulation and general fuckedupness, who knows what sort of mental state I have been left with. Not much I can do about it now.
I hate my current education situation, and I hate myself for being stupid enough to let things get to this point. Trapped. I am trapped. I am to the point where it is pointless and impractical to transfer to another school. I have less than one year left. But that is still one year. One more fucking year. One more year of being surrounded by people who I feel absolutely nothing for.
The fact that I am nearing the end of this current path is absolutely terrifying. I know so many people who have it all planned out. I am clueless. I don't know what I want to do. What am I supposed to do if I don't go to law school? How the fuck do I look at myself without thinking the past four years were an absolute fucking waste? What a god damn waste that would be. All of this nonsense and bullshit and nothing to show for it. A piece of paper with the names of important people written in fancy script is supposed to offer some sort of vindication.
Honestly, I don't know if I have it in me to reach the lofty goals I once set for myself. We lie to ourselves so much, you know? We say I will do this. I will be this. I will get this. There are some of us that do accomplish these things. The .000000000001% of us that doesn't end up staring at the ceiling every night thinking all sorts of terrible terrible thoughts. Good for them. At some point I guess you wake up and realize that your life is going to be extremely ordinary and typical and repetitive.
I am not that kind of person. I cannot accept that. Not now, not ever. I haven't the slightest idea what I can do to prevent that, or even if I can, but I'll never stop trying. I don't understand how people can be okay with being ordinary.
There are days when my apathy reaches lower levels than I thought possible.
But I still have my ambition.
I am still full of passion.
For the time being, I just don't know what to do with myself. I am not ready to resign myself to a lifetime of monotony. I will find something extraordinary, or I will burn out attempting to do so.