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War All The Time
|Cobra Starship and I
|What a surprising thing to wake up to. This is even more random than the time Max Bemis mentioned my avatar. It's pretty cool that something I said ended up causing enough of a stir to get noticed by somebody as popular as Gabe Saporta, let alone to be used as the title for a song on his new album. I am flattered, and even if the song is about how I am a negative, elitist douchebag, I will still think it is awesome. It's truly surreal that something I constructed in my fucked up head and put to words ended up being used as a song title for a pretty successful band.|
It also occurred to me that weeks ago when I had to opportunity to talk to Gabe himself in regards to the Millionaires controversy and a few other things, I was so caught up in the moment and the drama that I forgot to take a moment and just speak for myself as a fan. I indirectly mentioned how the music he made in Midtown was very meaningful and important to me, but as far as I can remember, I didn't take the time to thank him directly and tell him one to one how much that music meant to me. I might have, as that interview is such a blur, but that's why I had been so bothered in the first place about everything that had been going on. When something means so much to you, and then either changes dramatically or disappears completely, it's bound to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, and a lot of questions unanswered.
Hopefully that interview surfaces soon. Maybe it will have some of the answers people are looking for, or maybe I will be reminded of something Gabe said and not feel as bummed as I still do.
But hey, it is what it is. At least I get a song.
Cobra Starship - "The Scene Is Dead - Long Live The Scene"
|Perhaps things will never reach that level again. It is hard for me to imagine anything as groundbreaking occurring anytime soon. I am disappointed at the direction the scene has gone over the years, but I am thrilled I was there to see it at its finest. Those are the days I will never, ever forget.|
The scene is dead.
Long live the scene.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, life, Cobra Starship, Gabe Saporta, awesome
|The Reunions Aren't Over Yet
|I've heard some rumblings lately. There's no need for a thread like Danny's "Biggest Cock Tease Band Reuniting," but I have to throw some words out there, regardless of how vague or useless or nondescript they may be.|
I don't know when it's coming exactly, it might not even be until 2010. Keep in mind we are more than halfway through 2009.
It was like Christmas hearing that something was in the works. It was better than Christmas, because instead of unwrapping some present I didn't give a fuck about, I know what I'm getting with this. If things work out, which they may or may not, this will be incredible. People loved this band. They still do. I still do. Life is fickle, so things change and there are no guarantees, but to hear that these people still have their hearts in music, and want to do what they did before, just made me so fucking happy. So surprised, and so so happy.
I don't know who will read this or who will even care, but there will be at least one more band getting back together in the near future, and I think people are going to be thrilled. Sorry to be such a tease, and I promise I will tell you more as soon as I hear something concrete and am allowed to say so. Right now all I know is things are in discussion, but you have to start somewhere. Sometimes all you need is a spark.
This will be something to look forward to, even though you don't know exactly what or who it is.
Edit: Given all the recent events, I'll go ahead and promise you I am not talking about Midtown. Once you read the interview you'll believe that 100%.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, band reunions
|One More Reason To Love All Time Low
|After hearing about All Time Low doing an MTV Unplugged set, I messaged them asking when and where it was taking place since I would obviously love to try to participate. Their reply was, "We're doing it right now!" Of course I can't get from Georgia to New York in a matter of seconds, so it was a bit of a bummer. I told them they'd better play "Jasey Rae" because in my opinion it's their song that translates best acoustic.|
They said they weren't playing Jasey, but told me the set list anyways. Fair enough.
A couple hours later I get a message again:
"You'll be glad to know we played Jasey on a whim."
I'm sure there were tons of girls screaming for it to be played, but after requesting it, hearing that it wasn't going to be played, and then finding out it got played randomly anyways, well that's just fucking awesome. Maybe my request had just the smallest bit to do with it getting played even though it wasn't originally supposed to be.
I can't give this band enough props for keeping in touch with me, and everything else they do. You can hate on them all you fucking want, but they make solid tunes and are genuine people. They deserve this success.
Glad to know that isn't totally gone from this community.
All Time Low - MTV Unplugged Setlist
Damned If I Do Ya
Coffee Shop Soundtrack
Dear Maria, Count Me In
Lost in Stereo
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, All Time Low
|I'm On The Gunz Show Tonight
|Tonight I will be a guest on The Gunz Show at 9pm Eastern time. We'll be talking about the Millionaires signing, Gabe Saporta and Midtown, some other shitty bands, and the music industry in general. You might even learn a little bit of information about me, as uninteresting as I am. I also helped pick the playlist, so there should be some good tunes to listen to as well.|
Tune in at 9pm Eastern at http://www.idobi.com/radio/ and click the link at the top right.
Or in iTunes click on Radio, alt radio and then idobi.
Should be a good time, let me know if you listen.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, The Gunz Show
|"You know, you've treated me better than any guy I've ever dated. Did you know that?" she tells me.|
No, I didn't actually. A strange mix of flattery and regret hits me.
Things could have been different, but they're not, so in the end it doesn't really matter. What if's are just what if's. Maybe I fucked it up or maybe that's just how it was meant to be. There are still some days where I can't get you out of my head, and it drives me fucking crazy.
Have you ever taken a look back and thought had you just done one thing differently, how much could have changed?
That one decision, that one conversation, that yes or that no. It would have changed everything.
All of us have someone who we can call "the one that got away."
And then some of us have more than one.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, I miss you sometimes
|Gabe Saporta Calls Me Out
I don't want to dislike Gabe, I really don't. He's one of the many reasons I became so passionate about music way back when. It's just nearly impossible for me to rationalize what he does now with what he did and what he stood for then. I know I am not alone in feeling like this. I don't hate him on a personal level or anything like that, but all of this just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, and does indeed make me question his integrity. Times change, people change. I know this.
I found it interesting that he describes me as an incredibly negative person who is going through some hard times. I don't think I'm overly negative, just very realistic. I'm assuming this means he has read what I've written in blogs before, especially since he quoted the whole "The Scene Is Dead" bit. Honestly, I'm somewhat flattered. Even if he doesn't agree with me, the fact that he took the time to read it means a lot to me.
He mentions that I can call him during the interview and talk to him about things, so if any Staff or Rohan or Gabe himself sees this, and has a way to hook me up and make this happen, I'd really appreciate that.
I'm just tired of feeling let down by the people and by the music that used to mean so much to me. Maybe it is wrong for me to feel that way. I guess we'll see.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, Gabe Saporta, drama
|We Can Try
|I'd be lying if I said things haven't been horrible, because they have, and they are. Some things never seem to change. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. Nothing but drugs, doctors, and feeling miserable.|
It is a disappointing feeling. Physically, it feels awful, of course, that's how these things go. Conditions manifest themselves with a variety of different symptoms, each one feeding off the next, eventually spiraling into something terrible. But it's just as bad being disappointed in the inability to make a dramatic change for the better.
These are the fucking doldrums, man, this is not how a person should live. I can try to place the blame anywhere else, but it doesn't really matter. This is my responsibility, and I am the one who has to deal with it. If you want something done, sometimes you really do have to do it yourself.
You have to try at least.
That's all you can really ask of anyone, ever, is that they try.
People change, things change. The reason why you miss somebody is because at one point, somebody just didn't care enough. That's the bottom line. Maybe they said something, or maybe they did or didn't do something, but it happened because they didn't care enough. So things changed. And there's never a promise it can go back to how it was before. People are fragile things. Trust me.
There's been a lot of bad, bad shit happening lately. To a lot of people. Why, I don't really know. I never have, and there's a part of me that fucking hates that I probably never will. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to great people. I'm a fucking wreck and I wouldn't even necessarily consider myself to be that particularly good of a person, so it can be really upsetting when things get rough for people who are. But what you can do? Nothing. You keep going. You just keep going.
I am nowhere near a positive person, but I have to keep believing this is all going to work out.
I've got a lot of problems, and I've got a lot of questions.
But I've got these words, a whole lot of hope, and some songs that I love.
And maybe that's all you really need sometimes.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, life, hope
|One Year Later
|I wouldn't say that I'm angry, but what bothers me is how god damn much you've disappointed me. Never did I see this coming, what a fucking idiot I must have been. 23 years old and apparently more naive than I'm willing to let myself believe. |
To be honest, it's hard to find the words for this, and you know how rarely that happens. Was it worth it? Completely fucking up a friendship, and for what exactly? Do you have regret for anything?
"I'm pretty much only doing this so I can forget about you."
You said that a handful of times, I'm sure you remember. Did you ever tell him that was how you felt, or what your motivation was? As fucked as my memory has always been, that stands out to me. As brutal of a statement as that is, it's probably one of the most real things to ever come from your mouth. Shame that your terrible decision making has me doubting nearly everything you ever said. After how it all went down, surely there's no way you could have been sincere in all that. After your weak apologies, I just can't believe that you really care as much as you've led on.
You've got your cute lyrics, you've got your clever little jokes, you've got your memories of sleepless nights on the phone when there was nobody else I'd rather be talking to. I'm not left with much other than doubt, and the realization that all of the time I invested in you got me fucking nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
That's just how it goes, honestly. That's life. Happy endings are few and far between. We do terrible things to the people that we care about, yet we are fucking destroyed when we are on the receiving end of those same things. People make mistakes. Bridges get burned.
But this time, you have no one to blame but yourself.
darling, you fucked up
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, life
|Sooner Or Later
|One of the best parts about getting wrapped up in somebody is that all of those songs you love, the little gems and favorites and classics from years past, all of those songs come to life again. A breath of desperately needed fresh air. Regardless of how many times you've listened, or who they've made you think of before, or whatever memories they have attached, all of those songs feel like they were written for you about this new person.|
Maybe they were.
as I sit around right here
you sit around right there
I just want to feel this way tonight
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, life
|A Million Little Pieces
|It is late, and I am exhausted, physically and mentally. The week has been nothing short of a disaster. Life has a way of throwing things at you seemingly without rhyme or reason. These things are quite often so absurd and ridiculous, you can't help but wonder what tricks the fates are playing on you. "Why me," you will ask.|
"Why not," they will scream back at you, their voices lost and unheard over the 13.5 billion light years of universe in between.
Three years ago today, I woke up, heart and mind sprinting. Thousands of pills, thousands of dollars, and almost as many doctors later, here I am. Getting better, slowly, maybe not so surely. A work in progress. In repair.
I've learned so much, I can't even begin to tell you. Amongst my fellow "Young Invincibles," I have been humbled, and I truly have a different appreciation for, and perspective on, life. I still have more questions than answers, and most people I know seem to have things planned out in far more detail than I do myself, but that matters not. I am in no hurry.
These years have been hard, but they have not been fruitless. You wouldn't be reading this right now if things hadn't happened the way they did. It's possible I wouldn't be involved on this website. I still get messages and comments expressing gratitude and appreciation and understanding and sympathy for the things I say, the feelings I have, and the experience I've lived. What a strange, incredible realization it is to understand that your words and your life have some sort of meaning to people that you have never met, and that you will never know. I hope somehow you experience something like this in your life.
Everyone falls down, everyone fucks up, and at some point everyone looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the person staring back. We all make mistakes, and we all go through things that make us question whether or not we have the fortitude to carry on. You have to do your best, and you have to fight. You have to realize there is something bigger than just you; and that in itself is a reason to never give up. It's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but you don't give up.
I've got a lot of love to give, and a million things yet to learn, but all I can hope is that the next three years are as memorable and significant as the previous have been. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm getting there, but I do know that it is going to be wonderful. You'll see.
No retreat. No regrets.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, life