Jesus, went to my buddies tonight. Had a very long talk about life and what have you. Got a little too high. Thinking a little to much..
I just want to be held. haha wow.
I hope I never have a panic attack again.
Every thirty seconds.. Man i'm ridiculous.
I need to stop.
: I think the hardest part is literally sitting here hearing nothing.. Not talking.. The absolute worst. I loved talking. So all I do is think, stare at my ceiling in the dark and think. fuck. I've never been like this. Fall asleep at 3 wake up at 6. I literally can't help it. All my mind thinks about. Her. Every thought.
I have so many thoughts and emotions going on right now. It's insane.
I believe in me. I've never said that before. I've never had the best self esteem or confidence, but I can honestly say with everything I've dealt with and been through in my life. I believe in me.
I look at my grandpa and grandma and all I see is true love. My grandpa is actually 10 years older than my grandma. 88 and 78. For as long as I can remember my grandfather has always been one of my heroes. When I was younger he'd give me puzzles and make me play chess with him and checkers. Give me brain teasers just test me. And every time I would leave he would say, "I hope you know I love you" and I would always tell him "I hope you know I love you grandpa". Then as I grew up and became a teen I hadn't seen much of them, but every time I'd go visit it never failed. He'd always tell me how much he loved me. (I think that's where I get my heart from, my family isn't one for expressing love so openly) but I hope that when I grow up I can be half the man my grandfather is. He's been through three wars, WW2, Vietnam and Korea. He would tell me how he met my grandma, that she was a dancer for the troops. Like to boost spirits and the moment he saw her he asked her out and after that it was done. He found the one. Skip ahead then back to about 7 years ago my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I didn't really know what it was at the time or what it actually meant and slowly realized what it was. It's probably the hardest thing ever to see my grandmother struggle so hard to remember my name or my dad's. It breaks my heart. But as I sit here and type this I think about my grandpa and how much he loves that woman. He had swallowed agent orange back in the military and has no stomach, he has so many ailments and is so put together I have no idea how this man is still going.. But with everything that has happened in my life and what I've learned and what I believe love to be I know the only reason he is still breathing is because he knows in his heart that he has to take care of his Maria. He won't leave this earth knowing she'll be alone. That's true love to me, it's so much more, but the willpower to live for her just to make sure she's taken care of and is never alone. He couldn't put her through having to tell her everyday that he was gone. I'll always look up to my grandpa. Because he taught me who I am and who I need to be. I love to big, but it's for a reason. I make mistakes, but we all do. He may be old and frail now, but he has the strongest heart I've ever seen. Those blue eyes pierce you, I can't even imagine what he's seen or been through. If he believes in me, one of the most amazing people I know. Then why shouldn't I believe in me.
She is the pieces to this puzzle. Most of my pieces they never fit, but she could always manage it. All my rough edges made perfectly in line with the help of those beautiful eyes. She was the reason I felt whole and could breathe. She was all that I had need.
The way she would look at me. She had a bunch of different looks and smiles. I loved all of them, but my favorite was when she would look at me and her eyes would get really big and light up and then this super big smile would follow. That's when I knew she loved me the most haha. It was the best thing ever. Then she would throw her arms around me and love on me haha. I'm such a sap it's terrible.
Wrote a song lullaby type song last night, pretty sweet. Wish I could show her.
Has to be one of my all time favorite songs.. I love it so much I learned how to play it. The one song that reminds me the most of stuff. I'm a big softy. Even my beard is soft haha. Reminds me gotta get ready for no shave november.
But I guess I really wrote this because I've been listening to Lullaby nonstop. Pretty sure it's my number one played song on iTunes or top 3. Jumped up another 20 plays in the last few days haha. I'm fucking lame.
Hmm well after the horrible weekend I can say I'm looking forward to Batman Arkham City which comes out tomorrow at midnight. Haven't bought a video game in two years since God of War 3 so hopefully that will help stifle my thoughts for a while.
Sucks cause I go to my grandparents and 20 questions turns into 50 questions. All excited to meet her and my parents make me go even when I don't want to. I love them tho. Hmmm what else is new. Sorry to whoever reads this I'm trying to make this as least pathetic as I can.
hmmm can't wait to snowboard.. Can't wait for halloween.. Seems that this stuff always happens around this time so it becomes my shit show. Why stop the trend now haha. I know it'll be nuts for sure. people think I'm so calm and quite, but I'll drink their happy asses under the table. I just hope Ruben isn't there haha. Mother fucker always challenges me. Last year he handed me a glasses and said drink.. ended up being four shots. Bastard.
Absolutely and totally blew my expectations away. I don't understand how some of the staff isn't liking this. Such an evolution and maturity in their sound. Especially Maika's vocals. Oh man he can wail. I could totally see these guys getting huge.
I literally was loving every song on the album first listen. That's pretty rare. So stoked I get to see them at Warped this year.
Can't wait to pick this up tomorrow.
In other news. I'm loving my girlie too much haha. Happy days.
Found out about a secret show that was being done tonight at a place called Amped down by campus. Never heard of it before, but it was supposed to be The Swellers and Bayside. They had a day off from their Take Action Tour which skipped us for the first year ever. Fucking bull shit. But that's another story.
So we go and there are a couple local bands and then Bayside. Alas, Anthony had gotten sick so the lead singer of The Swellers played with the rest of Bayside. A total of four covers which included NOFX and some others. Not bad for my first time hearing them/him aka The Swellers lead singer.
I honestly have heard of them, but never listened. Then they were next and damn did they put on an awesome show. The stage and crowd area were eye level so that was cool and everyone was getting pretty crazy in this small ass room.
I must say I have a new band that I thoroughly enjoy. They played about an hour or maybe a little less. First time hearing them and it was good. They have some pretty catchy stuff. Only the second band ever that I've heard live and come away liking right off the bat. That's a feat in my book. Looks like I'll have to dive into their discography.
Such bull shit. I'm so stressed and hurt by the last few days. Literally have been the shitty days I've had in as long as I can remember. The feeling I have in my stomach and stuff. I'm so glad I only worked a half day today and don't work tomorrow. Idk if I could handle it.
Went to a Blue's and Brews festival today. Was pretty fun with my two best buddies Jacob and Rob, but then they went to another party and I just came home. Felt like shit and literally just wanted to sleep. Wasn't the beer..
Whatever, I'm not gonna talk about it. I'm getting so tired of being an option and not a priority. It sucks. I know how I've made people aka someone feel and I already regretted it and now I feel even worse. I would hate to make them feel like this. Difference is there was no one else.. Fuck.
Oh well, I dld this new app called Soundtracking a while back. Last night I posted an MJ track and haven't stopped getting updates all fucking day. Literally have 44 loves 34 likes and 9 comments. Shit's ridic.
Well I'm off to bed. Gonna sleep for a ridiculous amount of time and hope when I wake up things will be better. I won't hold my breath tho.
Ahhh. Some times it's just nice to sit back and relax. Especially on beautiful Spring nights as such. Loving the breeze blowing in through my window. Just perfect.
Getting back into that work out mode for Spring and the Summer haha. Sounds girlish, but it's true. Gotta loose some of that Winter weight we all seem to accrue. I hate it, but what can you do.'
What else. So much crazy going on in my life at the moment I don't even wanna write it all down. Would take way too long. At times I don't even know what to do with myself. haha
Stoked for all the music that's coming out and albums. Please, please, please ATL don't let me down. This is seriously the last chance. NP had it's moments, but it still was shit compared to the EP and SWIR
I can't even believe you'd shit all over your artistic integrity and release that single. You may think all this hate is unneeded from everyone, but it's just your fans telling you you're fucking up. We loved you for a reason and it's like a slap to the face when we know you're so much better than this.. Oh well that's my rant.
My hair is ridiculously long. It get's curly and wavy which is weird, but I'm too lazy to get haircut haha.
I love writing these blogs. Especially in my undergarments. ;)
Nothings happening, nothings changing. All these empty words and nothing to show.
She tells me she misses me and tells me she loves me, yet can't seem to break away.
Letting go is hard when you are and she keeps coming back. Still just the 2nd string quarter back haha.
Whatever, I've tried as hard as I can. I'm not saying or doing anything anymore. I gain nothing and get nothing in return, but heartache and sad glances. She knows what she did last wednesday... That should be enough for anyone..
Maybe one day she'll figure it out (even tho she has) and hopefully for her I'll still be there.. But I wouldn't put my cards on it. I did anything and would of done anything. Her mess up this time and not mine.