A Sailor's Journal
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| Tonight |
Always seem to make things worse when all I want to do is make them better.
Well I haven't had a heart to heart with my mom in a long time. I hate crying in front of her tho. She's so tough and I'm just not. She just tells me that she really like's Schlrae and that it'll be okay.
I shouldn't have called but I did. She knows that everything can be fixed with a little effort, but she's holding herself back.
You would think your eyes could run out of tears.
Adam | |
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| I want |
I want it all back. Everything. I miss crazy amazing sex. If you're too young and reading this sorry I said that. But before I injured myself we use to have awesome sex. I'm back in sex shape haha. I want that and everything else back. I WANT.
I am a male. But I'm a loyal beast haha | |
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| I Call |
| I call B.S. I know you better than anyone. Even the other night when we were together talking and playing around. We were laughing so much. I call B.S. Because you've never wanted to be alone. Why would you want to be alone now? Stubborn. I know you love me. I'm the only boy who's ever challenged you. One of the reasons you love me. So I call B.S. | |
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| Boyz II Men |
End of the Road
Last song on a mix she made me. Makes me smile. Because I didn't realize then but it makes sense. I love that song. | |
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| Mind Races |
My mind races. It's thinking constantly it's been on high for a month and a half now.
This bed. It's far too big for just me. All it reminds me of is her. But what doesn't remind me.. My eyes hurt.
I Can Make a Mess - "When I Hit the Ground (Acoustic)
We talk in songs. We describe how we are feeling and what we are thinking. One thing that is completely us. I love it.
Music is literally the only thing that saves me. | |
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| Memory II |
Its crazy what random memories will pop up.
Just thinking about last spring beginning of summer. She came to bellehaven. My elementary and I remember it so clear. She put on walking shoes. It was so cute. Pretty dark so we parked and talked and then we went on a walk around the streets in my neighborhood. Just talking and holding hands. Laughing a lot. Then we get back to the cars. Talk more and then I couldn't let her go I held on so tight i remember. I love that memory.
Then I remembered when we would iChat. We were so young and stuff. And crazy about one another but scared as fuck. Didn't know what we were doing or why except for the way we felt. And I fell hard. Talks on the phone till 3 giggling like kids about nothing. She always mad me feel young. I just want that again. I know it's there. Just gotta show it. Makes me smile. A love like that doesn't fade. | |
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| Pride |
| A mans pride is really only to protect his heart. Throw your pride aside and you give your whole heart to someone. I am prideful of people and things but I no longer hide behind my prideful heart. I embrace it. It's yours if you'll have it. | |
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| Haircut |
So just got a haircut.. No more beard or long hair. Cleaned up a bit.
Still can't help but think all the time. I miss her so much. She is my life. I can't even imagine it without her in it.
Just typing that makes me cry. I think I should take a nap.
Adam
I'm only half of me without her. She said something to me yesterday that killed me. That she felt like when I wasn't around it was only half of her there. I never realized. I want to give her Billy back. I want her to have him forevever.. Billy is my first ever stuffed rabbit/animal. Because she's my rabbit. Always all hyper and on the go, doing doing doing. That's why I gave her that nickname. And I'm turtle her turtle. :) | |
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| Life |
Thinking about life and all the scenarios and things that can happen.
Not one of them doesn't include her. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry. That I just need one last chance to prove to her. Not to give up on me. To not take away everything that means everything to me.
I pray every second of the day. I know what we can have. I just want to spend time with her and her friends. I regret missing things. | | Tags: Thoughts |
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| Last Stand |
Just finished talking to her for almost two hours..
Dropping bombs on me. But I rolled with the punches.
I would literally do anything to keep this girl in my life. I need her like the air I breath. She says she's going to think about it. I know that if she truly does she'll see that I'm here for the long run and what we have is once in a life time. I hope she truly searches and thinks about this. I need her. Please pray for me or wish whatever you people do. I need them more than anything. I need her more than anything. I would be eternally grateful.
I will give all the luck I have and all my wishes for this last chance. All I need is this last chance.
I'd never make another mistake again. And when we are together we are so happy laughing and messing around I just want that back.
Soletta - "Only You"
This song is exactly how I feel. Our song.
I can't lose her. There is so much left that hasn't been done or shown. I have so many plans that I want her input and to be a part of. | |
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| Smell |
Smell is one of the strongest senses we tie to memories.
For the longest time my favorite smells were rain and fall, fireplaces and burning wood. Fresh. Then I met you. You are my favorite smell. When I catch your scent it's like the strongest drug I've ever taken. I'm immediately at a loss for words and my mind races. I just want her to jump in my arms wrap her legs around me and give me kisses like before.. To much to ask..
Love
You're are the addiction and the cure.
Mayday Parade - "Stay"
I realize.. well I've known for a while now that I just need to back off. It's hard and I'm doing it, but I think I'm going to deactivate twitter this weekend or so. I just have to muster up the courage.. this is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's a love you see in a movie but one has lost their vision.
The Vow with Rachel McAdams and (shitty) what's his face looks pretty good. It's literally a movie about me and her haha yet she lose her memory. Guess I'll be seeing that alone. I'm so gay. | | Tags: Thoughts |
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| I Should |
I should be spending this with her. It doesn't even feel like thanksgiving. This is the worst. I have never been this miserable in my life.
I can honestly say all I want is to be with her, all I want is to be happy again.
I fought and waited for 9 months last year and almost two this fall. That should show you how much love I have for this woman. She is literally everything I've ever wanted in a significant other. She's everything that I think is perfect in my eyes.
I'd never take my own life or even think about that. That's just ridiculous and selfish. But I can honestly say that if something were to happen I wouldn't care.. That's how down I am about this and life right now. She is my world and it's been taken away. I don't have much left. I've never felt like this or wanted too. I just want to run away. All I think about all I care about. It feels like my life has stopped in it's tracks when she left. I'm just reliving the worst day of my life everyday.
I literally just want to go into hiding. Move away. Anything..
Mayday Parade - "Miserable at Best"
There are a lot of Mayday Parade songs that relate right now to me, but this one is probably the best or Jersey or One Man Drinking Game.. Who am I kidding. all of them.
I just need a sign.
Adam
Fuck whoever thinks I"m being over dramatic. Give someone everything you have, expect to spend your life with them and have it all taken away and then tell me you wouldn't be as broken as I am right now. I've lost it. | | Tags: Life, Miserable |
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| Thanksgiving 11' |
Another holiday alone. But I'll keep this normal or somewhat upbeat.
Cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Made em' for the family because I woke up at 5.. But Aladdin was on and now Beauty and the Beast then Snow White haha. I love Disney movies. They're the best.
Then Grandparents later.. I'm doing good tho being somewhat restrained. When she doesn't post it makes it a lot easier.. Stupid but it's true.
Hope everyone is having a good Thanksgiving.
Adam
I'll always remember Lydia only a month ago. But she loved me and kissed me. My happy thoughts. Lydia is my hope. | | Tags: Thanksgiving |
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| Eyes |
| The only thing that I could form into words was that you have the most beautiful eyes. They don't need to be green or blue they just made you, you. Then we kissed and I knew this was what flying felt like. I've always been a catious boy but I found my self in your eyes, and I lost myself in that kiss. I never expected this or you to come along and flip my whole world. I haven't touched the ground yet. I don't think I can. I'd rather be blinded by the clouds than realize I'm crashing down. So I'll keep those happy thoughts close enough so I don't drown. | | Tags: Poem, Thoughts, Her |
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