It's been awhile since I've written anything worth some thing. Went and returned from Washington DC. 26 hour road trip. Was an experience. I'm proud to be an American. Sounds stupid but seeing all that stuff the monuments and white house makes you appreciate where you came from and our history. But yeah it was a great time. Another escape in a sense..
I just lost my grandpa two months ago and his wife my grandma whose had alzhiemer's for the last 13 years recently took a fall and isn't doing well. I'm probably gonna lose her to pretty soon. She has water on her brain and isn't doing too well. It's hard. Especially after losing him. The way she looks at me. She knows me and knows she loves me more than anything but can't remember my name.. It's just hard.
This had been one of the toughest years of my life. I feel like I've been through a lot. I've already lost two people that meant everything to me and now I'm losing a third all within three months. I just hope things change. Start to look up. I love you grandma.
I'm the most optimistic person I know. My buddy Devan told me last night that "I genuinely care about everyone. That I have a huge heart". It made me feel good he sees that in me. Others have said that but when he did it meant a lot. I don't like burdening people with my problems or issues. It's just me I'm independent. It spills over into everything and it's not always a good thing but I feel like it makes me strong and weak at the same time.
Idk I trust things will work out. They always have a way of doing just that.
I still have my music. Wrote a lot of new stuff recently. Outlet I guess.
I'll edit this later since I usually write it from my phone.
I'm not really one to get into hardcore/metal bands.. About the hardest I listen to is A Day to Remember. Which is nothing if you really think about it. But the other day my best buddy Rob threw on some new stuff that he had just gotten into too. I've heard of these guys before, but never gave them a chance. I usually just lumped all those hardcore bands into a biased category of music I'd never listen to.
But for some reason like so many other bands at certain times it just hit me at the right time. Full force. I absolutely love this band. Memphis May Fire and their last release called The Hollow. It's pretty hard, but I love the clean vocals. Especially his voice. I also love that I can actually understand what the screamer/growler is saying. Most the time it's so bad I can't understand half the crap that is coming out of the screamers mouth.
This is just what I needed I think. A little different then I'm used to, but I'm always up for a change and this is a good one. Not like I'm gonna start loving hardcore music. I just like being able to listen to a band like this then shoot to Earth, Wind and Fire, then be in the mood for The Spill Canvas or Jazz haha. I love music and I'm glad I found a new appreciation for this type of music and definitely this band. I gotta see them live now on Warped. Just another band to add to the list of bands I want to see this year. I think the count is 14. This year is probably gonna be the best year I've ever been.
"The Unfaithful" & "The Haunted"
Edit: It's cool to see my blog up on the charts. Maybe one day I won't be just one the one with the most blog posts, but also most views. I'm getting up there. Almost 70k. That's awesome.
So today I was hanging with my buddy Rob and our friend Sean aka (Asian Sean). Known him since middle school. Pretty cool guy. So we get on the topic of Astrology and lately I've been finding it very interesting. Idk why just have. So I was learning a lot of new stuff I'd never even known or thought about before. He's kind of into an told me I was a straight capricorn because I was born right in the middle, not near either ends really. And found out my moon is Scorpio which means that's my personality "at night" or how I act. Essentially my other side. So I start looking stuff up which I've posted beneath. It just blew my mind how similar I am to both Capricorn traits and some of Scorpios. It's quite crazy to see how I get some from both of the signs. Super interesting if nothing else. I still can't believe how well both signs suit me. Then we started talking about people and their signs and relating it to their behavior and it was cool cause a lot of it made sense and clicked. Makes ya think. But yeah it was just a good deep talk. I love having those haha. The first one is pretty spot on. The second is just interesting to see some of Scorpios ways. I'm by no means a astrology nut. Just something cool to learn about, look into.
I can't explain how excited I am for the new Spill Canvas record and the new Yellowcard record. Along with many others that we will be getting this year. It's a great year for new music in my eyes. A lot of my favorite bands are releasing albums. And so far I couldn't be more stoked from what I've heard.
The songs that The Spill Canvas have released so far are excellent and Gestalt comes out tonight. It's already past midnight, but I'm guessing that's Pacific time. I know it's gonna be absolutely amazing. One of my favorite bands.
Now as for Yellowcard. Their new single is absolutely badass as hell. Super catchy. Love the vocals and lyrics and everything. The melody and chorus are killer. I'm actually listening to it again for the 5th or so time as I write this. I absolutely loved When You're Through Thinking Say Yes, but already this song as me more hyped than I was for that album. I feel like this is gonna be Ocean Avenue's little brother, but just as huge and amazing as that album came to be for many people. They're back and I can't wait to hear it in it's entirety. Especially that song with Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy and the one with all the guest singers.
Getting me even more excited to see them on Warped Tour this year. One of the bands I'm looking forward to seeing most.
I'm sure I'll post my impressions and thoughts on TSC later and probably Yellowcard at some point.
"You only care about yourself. Never took the time to think about somebody else. You think about yourself, dragged me to the edge of Hell and never cared if I fell."
I can't put into words how perfect this line is..
"How can you live with yourself?"
Within the last 6 months there was a spot in my beard that had no hair. There was hair before, but I came to realize all the stresses and everything I was going through had made it fall out. Or stop growing. It was a perfect circle where the hair stopped growing. The other day I noticed that it had come back.. I don't have that spot anymore.. I got my beard back. Among other things.
Can't come soon enough. Can't wait to get away. Finished all my finals and now I'm ready for some summer before I get that new job and possible take some summer classes. We will see about that tho. I think I'll be fine with the new job making bank haha.
Losing that weight again. I kinda gained some back. Not a lot, but a little. I tend to fluctuate when I'm happy. But 3 miles a day should do it. All skinny and ripped up. Muwahaha.
It's so funny when I mess with my friends because they treat me like a big bear. They fuck with me then don't expect me to be that strong haha. It's awesome.\\
The Spill Canvas just released the last song from their new album before it gets out on the 22nd. Already super stoked for this all three tracks are amazing. To: Chicago, From: San Francisco and Off a Cliff. I can't be anymore excited for this album to drop next Tuesday. It's gonna be perfection. I know it.
It's funny to me that her new "fiance" is talking crap..
Firstly, I don't talk to her anymore. I left her alone and am being respectful I did everything in my power to prove my love. I don't talk shit, I don't bother her or call her, I don't even talk to my friends about her anymore. Yet you're gonna pop off like you know me or what was our situation?? Go fuck yourself.
I'm done letting people walk over me. I'm standing up for myself and if you wanna talk shit go ahead. I'll gladly break your nose and any other bone I get my hands on. I don't talk shit, you want to talk shit I'll beat your ass. I don't need to talk I can and will back it up. She knows I'm not kidding.
I'll gladly rearrange your fucked up eyes for you. If you only knew what happened between us and what's up you wouldn't be so high up on your horse. She doesn't love you like she loved me, she's settling for your dumb ass. She's making a rash decision and probably the biggest mistake she'll ever make in her life. So worry about yourself.
If you wanna talk shit do it to my face. I could have easily been a "tool" about this situation. But I'm not and haven't been. You my friend have proven that you are an idiot and oh so mature.
I know he doesn't read this or even know about it, but I had to let out my anger in some way and it won't be over twitter. So if she reads this.. I hope she know that if I see him out in public and he wants to start shitting from his mouth I won't hesitate to close it. It takes a lot for me to get mad and even more to fight. So good job you've made my shit list. I punched cinder block and wood for the first 10 years of my life. Your face will be a lot softer.
The fact that she looks at my twitter feed off of his.. buddy she's getting on YOUR twitter to look at my tweets. Wake up buddy. You're second best. She's just too stubborn.. and even after she told me she was marrying your dumb ass she couldn't even tell me she didn't love me anymore.. so many reasons I know this is a joke. She told me a a week or two before you asked her that you were barely dating. That I've been the only person to make her feel the way she has. There is so much love and history you have no idea. I respect her and will always love her even after what she put me through, but you pissed me off and now I hope I see you in public.
It's been a while since I've written a new blog. I mean I have I guess, but an actual one. Lot's been going on lately which is good.
Killed all my finals so I'm on track to graduate next year. Pretty sure I got straight A's which is awesome. Just waiting on one last grade.
Other than that I just bought Rob's and my tickets to Washington D.C. to go see the last third of our trifecta haha. Our best buddy Devan. Haven't seen him since after my first year of college, well actually he came into town one other time, but it was very brief. He now is married and has a two year old at the ripe old age of 22. He always loved to jump the gun on life, but I love him like a brother. So we are going out there for a week. Should be another awesome adventure just like going to Montana was. Perfect way to start the summer. Really stoked to see my best bud. To get away for a bit. Especially somewhere brand new.
Saw The Avengers at midnight the other night with a bunch of people. Awesome as expected.
Super stoked for all the new music coming out in the near future. Especially the new Spill Canvas album. The two new songs they've released have already topped my expectations and made up for their last few releases.
I've been having the best week and month and then I am cleaning my room.. and what do I find.. her 7 page letter.. Talking about soul mates and about what we had gone through last year.. Not even a year has passed and look at the situation she's in. Ridiculous. Especially after what was written in that letter and many others. Oh well I just put it in a safe place..
Oh YEAH! Super fucking ecstatic for Warped Tour this year. The lineup is outrageous. Gonna probably be the best one I've ever been too.
I have a lot more to say, but I guess I'll just save it for another blog!
Hair's super long.. But it must not look to terrible since I keep getting compliments lol. Feels good especially when I've been feeling so down.
Paid off my student loans finally! Feels so good to have that done. Little bit more on my credit card and only 2,000 left on my car and I'll be good. Then I will move the f out.
21 Jump Street was hilarious. Love Jonah Hill. Makes me wanna watch Superbad again. That movie is classic.
I wrote a new song and added a second guitar. Sounds pretty awesome.
What else is new.. Oh yeah, sisters 21st on Thursday. Going out Friday. Should be awesome. Took off this weekend because I know shit's gonna get crazy. Should be a good time. Gonna get her all trashed haha.
Found out some interesting stuff about my family this last week too. Good and bad. Man I wish too much.
Still can't get enough of the new The Audition EP. Haven't stopped playing it since it came out. Perfect. Just like their older stuff.
They have to be one of my top 5 favorite bands of all time up with Brand New and Journey. That's saying a lot for me haha. I even got her to love them. I wish I could show her the new stuff she'd love it too. Watched a bunch of acoustic videos on youtube and stuff. Man he can fucking sing so well live. It's awesome.
The Audition - "It's Gonna Be Hard (When I'm Gone)
My grandpa's funeral is in 4 hours. Where were you when I needed you. I hate that I still need you. Especially when you don't need me at all. Or at least pretend not to.
That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My whole family came in and I've never seen my dad cry. He's always so tough and it tore me apart. I couldn't even imagine losing him.
Yet, I'm so hurt. I need you.. Her more than I've ever needed anything today. I'm so hurt and mad. I felt so alone because no one knows me like she does. I guess I don't have any right to be mad, but I am. I don't know it killed me Garett was there and he was crying even.. It's just I wanted her to be apart of my family so bad. I still do... I just need to sleep. My eyes are so tired I can barely keep them open.
I still love that I'm my grandma's favorite. No matter how bad the Alzheimer's is getting she still looks at me and winks, I can see it in her eyes she still remembers me and my name even when she can barely distinguish my uncles... Cordy told me that she told her I was her favorite. it doesn't get any easier. I thought 2012 would be a better year and it's already in the first three months been the hardest of my life. Please let it get easier.
Looking at old pictures is amazing tho. My grandpa and grandma all young. My dad and family all young. They say I look like him and my grandpa. Some pictures are nuts how much i do resemble them. This year was their 60th anniversary the day before he passed. That's so nuts they made it that long. That's real love. It's so hard having to tell her again and again that he's gone.
I'm doing my best. I have to be. I've never seen my dad like this. It's crazy. He never shows emotion. Everyone is taking this really hard and I don't know. It's really hard. I try my best to keep my attention on things, to be strong. Keep my mind busy but I already have so much else going on in there. It's hard when you don't have someone to help you. Sounds selfish but it's true. I really miss him. Watching The Descendants was hard. Such a good movie but just brought a lot of it out of me. I don't know what I would do with out my family and friends and music. Keeps me okay, sane I guess you could say. Just missing something's. Being in Denver this week has helped a lot. Escaping reality for a bit. Saturday is gonna be difficult. I've learned so much in the last year and the this has made me learn even more. Never hesitate to tell the people you love that you do. Never take a moment for granted. Ever. You have to be weak before you can be strong. I'm getting there. Love you grandpa.
Someone that means so much to me. Taught me so many things. When I need one person to help me lose another. I have so much going on inside. Something you don't want to accept. I've only known him all 23 years of my life. My thoughts don't even make sense. I've never had to lose someone to death. Feeling so helpless because I can't do anything.
My favorite memory was when I was younger and he'd make me and my sister ice cream. Always with sprinkles in the shape of a smiley face. Gave me puzzles and brain teasers all the time. Chess. Farkle. He's an amazing person in every sense of the word. So much love.
I'm not good at letting people go.
The day I got shot the first thing I asked for was my grandparents.
He'd always tell us "Remember I love you"
Him grabbing my hand. Having to leave the room with my sister and he didn't want us to go..that broke my heart.
I love you grandpa and I'm always going to miss you. You're one of the biggest parts of me. The reason I have what I do on my side. The reason I love so much and so big.
The last thing I told him was, "Remember I love you grandpa"