This experience is unreal and I mean that in the best way possible.
Two weeks ago, our program had a party/meet and greet with graduate students from a nearby social science university. It was a ton of fun and I was able to meet a few Chinese students and exchange numbers. One of those students is named Alden, well his American name is Alden, but anywho he was really nice and he was willing to hang out and today we actually got to! I asked my group, the CLMS to come with me and they did. They swore I was going on some kind of date, but that was never the intention. It was just to get to know each other and practice different language.
It was SO much fun. First we went to Tex Mex because the CLMS and I we're starving, the food took a long time to come out but we had good conversation while we waited. We talked about food, about locations, what time we go to sleep, what time we wake up, homework, classes, the whole nine yards. I forgot to mention it was Alden and his friend Tom (who was very very shy and very very adorable) so Tom paid for everyones food even though all he had eaten was ice cream. My friends started to freak out, and the cashier gave him his money back and we all paid for our food separately (I could've saved 87 bucks), but in Chinese culture it's rude not to accept things like that. Eh, maybe next time.
After that we went to Alden and Tom's campus, it's much smaller than Sichuan Uni. It's like 1/8 of the size lol. We walked through, saw the main building and then headed to the park. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PARK. MY GOSH. The layout was so zen, quiet ponds every where, huge beautiful rocks, different types of trees, bushes, grass, flowers. Gorgeous! And it was enormous, if I hadn't been with my Chinese friends I certainly would've gotten lost or at least walked in circles trying to get out lol.
I hope we can go back soon:) and hang out with them. OH and when we got to their campus we met up with Janet. She was another student I met at the meet and greet. She brought us snacks from her hometown, chicken organs and pig ears. Yum.... lol but it was a sweet gesture :D
Well, I have homework. Class tomorrow, even though it's Sunday. Sad face.
Cheers to good times, good friends, being in the present, and trusting the Universe to place me wherever I need to be.
I have spent a lot of time adoring the beauty of other women, but at the end of the day I'm Shari. That's the only person that I'll ever be, that I can ever hope to be and that is a blessing not a curse. I ran into Christina when I was on my way to go run/walk at the park and we ended up having this great conversation about who we are and what we want and...I cried when talking about love because...I feel like I don't know what love is and I really want to. I'm just so jaded, but Christina reminded that it is real and I will find it.
We made a pact to be in the moment, every moment, without expectation, and just accept things for what they are.
I love her, especially for that.
Life is such a gift.
We also drank coffee, that has me wide awake right now. At least I'm not jittery.
I'm just going to work on me, and follow my dreams and put in the work that I need to accomplish what I want.
There's no better way to spend my time.
I don't know the end goal of life, and it's great to propose theories and guesses but in the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is.
Maybe, things with Davy aren't going to work out the way I want them to, but I'm glad that we met and talked and kissed and fucked and just enjoyed the time we spent with each other. Thank you Universe.
I'm going to work on getting closer to my family and rekindling the love that I see in all the old pictures. That's the most important thing right now.
I went to Church today. I'm right back where I started years ago, before the guys, the drinking, the partying, the drugs.
I'm alone just like how I was back then.
and you would think, now that I know so much more than I did back then, this would be easier. I'd have some sort of solution.
Maybe I can use this time to sit in silence so the universe will open up to me.
Maybe I can finish No Exit.
Maybe I can get started on my mandarin.
Maybe I can sit here and whine about how lonely I am.
I'm doing the last one quite well.
Which is pitiful, honestly.
All that I've learned, I know that time is temporary. I may not even see tomorrow, and look how I'm spending today...miserable. What a waste of time and life and energy. I just really want to be around someone right now...is that so much to ask?
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone?
I don't know anymore.
The last time I felt this way, I stumbled on a poem by Hafiz, a mystic persian poet.
My cats are going crazy. I'm not sure if it's because they sense a hurricane coming and they are desperate to escape the confines of my shoe-box sized apartment. Maybe they are just crazy in general, who knows.
So here I am, at home, thinking thoughts about where I would be if the person that I fell for and I were still cool. He'd probably be here, and we'd probably be waking up next to each other. I think that's definitely something that I'll miss, that closeness, that intimacy that I've experienced previously but never so frequently with the same person. I know I'm going to be okay though, despite how much I miss him I know that we aren't going to go back and try again...that's what gets me.
It's been a really back and forth year...physically I am destroyed. My body is exhausted from my work and school schedule, not to mention my awful diet when I'm at school. I've continuously gotten this yeast infection and I have no idea why, it might be something more than that. I got laser hair removal treatment for my neck and the lady who performed the procedure went on a power trip and did my face, so now I have hair on my face that I have to shave every day. Do you know how embarrassing that is? How much it makes me despise being in public sometimes? And one of my jobs is as a math tutor, so I'm right next to people ALL the time. I've tried using make up, I've trying using my hair to cover it, I've tried shaving it all the time. But the make up feels gross on my skin, and it doesn't really cover anything. Using my hair to cover it, just makes my skin more oily and therefore prone to breakouts, and shaving it just makes the skin darker. It's a lose-lose-lose situation all across the board. My neck sorta looks better...but it still makes me ashamed sometimes.
I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL GIRL.
I didn't learn from my problem with the neck hair and I started tweezing my chest hair after seeing another woman with some extremely long hair. It all started in my head and then became an addiction, a sick anti-hair addiction, that now prevents me from doing so much.
It's my fault, I know and it's up to me how I decide to deal with it. Most times I just want to give up though. I don't even bother trying to look attractive now. It's just band shirts and often times loose fitting pants. I'm comfortable for sure, but I don't get any male attention. And now that my previous snuggle buddy and I are no longer cool, I definitely don't know what to do.
Well, that's somewhat a lie. Angel was trying to ask me out yesterday, but in my head, he's just desperate. And then he got pushy, and I had to put my foot down. I know when I like someone, and he doesn't incite any sort of interest or excitement in me so I know that I don't like him. My old band mate Vic randomly asked me if I would date him when we hanging out a few weeks ago, I said yeah because he's one of the coolest people I know, the only thing is that I'm not attracted to him.
Ugh. What's the use. Maybe love will just find its way to me when it feels like it.
After having a friend read my tarot cards, I feel compelled to restart my journey of self love. She's read my aura, palm, and tarot cards and all of them were spot on. So I feel like I can really take control of my decisions, my actions, my thoughts. She and another friend of mine are great examples and inspirations of being able to control how they react and deal with any given situation in the best possible way. I want to do the same. I also want to explore religion some more. Explore the world. Meet some more people. Read some more books. Go to some more shows. Finish some homework. Make some babies lol, JAYKAY. No babies. Ever.
I also played my first show with my band last week, only to realize that I don't think that I want to be in a band with them anymore lol. We don't sound bad, but there's too many issues, drama. I don't know if it's worth it. I guess we'll see next friday when we're supposed to try out a new singer. This will just be more drama, I can tell lol.
If the world doesn't end in new jersey today, hopefully I can get back the results of my blood work from the doctor this week. And we'll go from there.
Something is wrong with me and I can't figure out what it is. I think I have an std...because something has been wrong for the past year or so and now my body is failing. I hope it isn't something more serious. But I'm looking for a place to get tested and none of them have hours that are conducive to my schedule. I'm freaking out inside of my head. HOW CAN I TELL SOMEONE THAT I THINK I HAVE AN STD? WHO GAVE IT TO ME? HAVE I GIVEN IT TO ANYONE?
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to cry.
I feel helpless.
Deleting documents on this laptop. Figured this blog would be the best place to put it instead.
ďAnd we will talk, until thoughtís melody
Become too sweet for utterance, and it die
In words, to live again in looks, which dart
With thrilling tone into the voiceless heart,
Harmonizing silence without a sound.
Our breath shall intermix, our bosoms bound
And our veins beat together, and our lips
With other eloquence than words, eclipse
The soul that burns between them, and the wells
Which boil under our beingís inmost cells,
The fountains of our deepest life, shall be
Confused in Passionís golden purity
As mountain springs under the morning sun
We shall become the same, we shall be one
Spirit within two frames, oh! Wherefore two?"
I kinda hate everything right now, especially myself. I spend so much time inside of my own head, I don't know how to deal with anyone. I'm training to be a student orientation leader at my school, and at lunch yesterday, a young man that I am not particularly fond of sat next to me. After an extensive amount of time and silence passed, he said to me "You know, you're really quiet." I wanted to be the sarcastic eggshell that I am and say "No, I haven't noticed actually", but instead I said, "Yeah, I know." He proceeded to ask me how I expected to be able to speak to the incoming students, if I couldn't speak to the people I was around. I was at a loss. I didn't know how to answer that question. I wanted to say everything under the sun, but I felt much too vulnerable to do so. I just said "It's easier to talk to strangers than it is to talk to the people I'm going to see again." Which is partially true, for me at least. Then he got ridiculous and said "So you're saying that if you go to another country you would take your clothes off and get naked because you would never see those people again?" Essentially, the answer is yes, out of principle alone BUT that's a completely exaggerated example. In a literal sense, no I would not get naked. I rarely get naked when I'm having sex. I don't like my body enough to show it to anybody. I would have liked to express that, but I chose not to and just said yes. The conversation ended there, as it should have because he was being absurd.
The thing is, I felt like I was being attacked. Who are you to point out the way I am, as if it were a problem? I was selected for this training, just as you were, correct? So allow me to do my job. I don't need to having meaningless conversations with you or anyone else. I will be fine all the same without them. In fact, if there's anything that I hate about the majority of people is that they all engage in this practice. What is the point of conversation that has no depth? makes no difference? It's talking for the sake of talking. A butchering of words and their capabilities. After the conversation, I sat around for a few more minutes and then just packed my stuff, left the room, and went to go sit by myself. Yes, I am socially awkward. I'll be the first to admit it, but to sit there and feel as uncomfortable as I did, just didn't make sense so I left. I wanted to go up to the counseling center, just to have someone to talk to...but I chickened out. I'm afraid of so many things, and I can't seem to put my finger on why.
After the incident, the day got progressively worse, although I did see my friend Chris, which is always nice. But since I got the laser hair removal treatment on my neck last week, my neck looks so scarred and filled with pimples so I try to hide it when I talk to people. It makes things so difficult! I have to position my head a certain way, and then try and use my short hair to cover it up. Ugh I just want to be normal. No 19 year old girl should have to go through this. I'm so jealous of the pretty women I meet, that can just be normal and have attractive men swoon after them. I'm always trying to cover my latest skin imperfection; from the hair on my face and face, to huge pimples, to ingrown hairs.
I have single handedly destroyed my natural cycle of hair growth all over my body, in case that wasn't obvious. When I was was younger, I shaved everything because I thought I was hairy and now I truly am hairy. It's a real self esteem downer and it's made me really uncomfortable with certain forms of intimacy. I try to hide it, but it's hard to. And the guy I happen to be dating right now, has been with 8 other women, so he's well aware of what a woman "should" look like and I feel like the ugliest thing he's ever come face to face with. He rarely compliments mean, even though I tell him how attractive he is as much as possible. And yesterday, we were watching Love and Hiphop Atl. and he said "daaaamn, sorry, but daaaamn" about one of the women on the show. My little self esteem bubble shrunk indeed.
After the situation at training, I kept to myself for the remainder of the day with the only exciting thought in my head being about seeing my boyfriend. And when he finally got to my house, he wasn't in a good mood. So, no affection, no attention, and a "daaaamn" about some chick on the tv screen. Man was I feeling awesome. I had felt alone all day, just to feel even more isolated when I saw the only person that I wanted to see.
It just hurts, ya know? Maybe I want too much, but I'm not getting anything near it. It turns out the only reason he came over was to break up the weed we purchased so he could put it into baggies and then he planned to head out. I felt even more insulted, I really just needed a hug...someone to ask how I was doing...but no one did. I went to my roof to cry and clear my head and I went outside of the railing. I told myself, if life REALLY isn't worth it, if you REALLY hate it so much then end it. What do you have to lose? I stood there for a few minutes, just thinking, crying, with my heart racing...was this how it would end? By me giving up and jumping off of my roof?
I stepped back, and went back behind the railing and decided that it was time for me to leave the roof. I went back to my apartment and just went to bed. Now I'm here, the morning after. Soon, I'll be running late for work, but who cares? I'm still as unfulfilled as I was before I went to bed. I hope today will be better.
It's been awhile since I've been overly pessimistic about anything (in my opinion, at least), but all things have endings and here I am..knocking on pessimism's door asking to stay over for a while.
I haven't really had time to be bummed, I've been so bombarded with school work but school is finally coming to a close for the semester and I have the entire summer to worry about. I shouldn't be "worrying", but I am because I hate sitting around and being unproductive which happens quite often. I don't have friends that I'm always around, I don't have a place that I always go to hang around. I don't have anything but myself and my music. It's been that way for so long, but I never wanted it to be.
I feel like I have nothing going for me at this point. Food not bombs, I think I said in my last blog, has been moving ever so slowly and everyone that signed up is terribly unresponsive. My band is not doing shit, we can't even throw another benefit show because when we start talking about it, we get distracted. We still haven't found a singer, John can't finish a song, it's so frustrating. I'm afraid to see what my grades are this semester... What the fuck man? I just want to not exist. There is nothing for me, not in this place, and probably not anywhere else. I want to cry. I want to sit on my bed and cry. I want to decay in a matter of minutes, without saying goodbye to anyone. I want no one to notice, I want no one to care, I don't want anyone ever stepping food in my room again. I want to cut each and every tie that I have to this world.
I don't know if I could actually commit suicide without chickening out...
No one cares, and frankly, I'm tired of caring too. There is nothing to look forward to.
Skinnerbox is playing in Brooklyn next week, I bought tickets over a month ago. The person i asked to come with me just cancelled, woohoo, another show alone. I'm always alone.
And I was SO excited, until I realized that I haven't made any plans for vacation.
What is a girl to do? I mean, I know I need to meet some new people...but where do I start? Where do I go?
Food Not Bombs has NOT been working out for me at all. I tried to have the first meeting this past weekend, and no one showed up. I'll keep trying, it's definitely worth a shot. I know I want to go to a couple shows. I want to exercise. All that good stuff, but that still leaves me with a TON of time.
So what are other people planning to do?
I think I may take 2 summer classes ar the local community college, and maybe a dance class. I'll also be having band practice on the weekends, but other than all that I'll still have so much time.
Maybe I can find a boyfriend this summer...that would make things interesting.
Or even just someone to talk to.
Hmm, maybe I can volunteer for some other organizations.
I just hope I don't spend a majority of my time indoors, doing nothing. That would suck.
Now off to finish my remaining homework for the semesterrrr.
I want new friends -- I want to be alone
I want to lose weight -- I don't give a shit if I lose a pound
I'm straight edge -- I need a drink!
It's all so repetitive, useless, and time consuming. I can't stick to anything.
I just noticed new strecth marks on my body though, so I really need to calm down with what I'm eating. I should have known better. I've been really uncomfortable all day. MY feet hurt from walking in flats so much yesterday, and the pants that I was wearing didn't comply with my thunder thighs, so I chaffed pretty badly. I hope you're laughing, because I'm not.
I went on a date last night with Sam. It was nice, but ...all he wanted to talk about was "if we were dating...". I don't do good with hypotheticals, when I assume, I'm usually wrong so I try not to. I don't think he liked most of my answers to his questions, but hey, at least he got answers.
I went to the anarchist bookfair, second year in a row, still went alone. I'm getting tired of being alone.
John is Joan's new best friends/hook up buddy so I'm even more alone than before. It happens.
I don't really want to hook up with Sam, I might as well though.
I should've stopped to learn Chess today, but I was in a rush to go to the bookfair and be alone and wandering. I thought about going to the afterparty but ...again, being alone sucks. No one would have paid attention to me anyway, I wasn't punk enough compared to everyone else that was there. I'll never be a part of that scene, I would like to just for the sake of being able to make new friends but I don't like hardcore music very much so we wouldn't have a solid basis for our friendship.
I saw Eric, this guy I met at a party about a month ago. I invited him to my FNB benefit show, of course he didn't show up and he didn't recognize me today :[ no surprise there, either.
I need to work out and get laid or just find someone that's willing to waste time with me. I'll take anything at this point.
On a side note, today was my first day of Spring Break. I had work in the University Admissions office, only for about three hours, but they were probably the most dull hours I've spent in a while. I also work tomorrow, and I have a meeting for the tutoring center where I was recently hired. This break almost doesn't sound like much of a break! I'll enjoy it regardless. I have quite a few people that I'd still like to see, and a few places that I'd like to visit. And definitely spend some more time with my family.
I'm also throwing a benefit show at the end of the month to raise money for FNB, so I'll be having 3 band practices this week. Exciting stuff! I'll be practicing on my own as well..tonight was a fail though. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 10 p.m. Tomorrow is an early start though. I want to get some exercise in, and some homework and then off to work.
I'm currently reading "The Sirens of Titan" by Kurt Vonnegut. It's really interesting, as are all Vonnegut books. I need an imagination like that, haha. I'm going to finish it this week, and start on "The Wretched of the Earth" by Franz Fanon. I borrowed it from my school's library and it's due back in the beginning of April, so I want to finish it on time. It was recommended to me by the director of the Community Awareness program at my local library. Very intelligent man, but he recommended me like 10 books at one time as if I'm not a student, and have all the time in the world. I appreciated it though.
On another note, my "love" life is a mess. It always has been, truth be told. But, it's an enjoyable mess at the moment and I'm going to make the best of it.
A friend of mine came up from Florida this past week, and I finally saw her last night. It was great being able to vent, and talk, and catch up. It had been a really long time since we really had a conversation, so I was happy that it happened. Her flight is tonight, so I hope she gets there safe and sound. She has a lot of issues that she has to confront when she gets back, but I know she'll get through them. I'm 100% sure.
Well, it's time that I go back to bed. ( I took like a 3 hour nap not too long ago. But I love sleep!) Have a good night, reader.