The revelation I have every two weeks or so about how unattractive I am compared to the women on Instagram, or Facebook, or any social media site that I'm not particularly fond of. I suppose it's the flood of ridiculously attractive pictures on my news feed that is the cause of my re-realizations...either way it's dreadful. Today it is someone by the name of chrislynn, on Instagram. She's stunning, both in body and face. She has millions of likes on all of her photos, and a multitude of comments from adoring fans commenting on how great she looks. I may sound like a hater, but rest assure it isn't hate. It's more like...wonderment. I can only wonder what it's like to look that beautiful.
As a philosophy student, in the classroom most of our focus shifts from the physical into the metaphysical, trying to comprehend abstract subjects such as Plotinus's Triad (which I've been trying to make sense of for two semesters now) or Plato's ascent of the soul. Nothing is ever about the body, if anything the body is a trap, a source of evil substances, not something to be praised. However, when I'm outside of the classroom, the exact opposite is what follows. It's all about the physical. It's all about what your body looks like, no one ever asks about your soul and it's hope of ascension in this life. It's tears me to pieces sometimes. What should I focus on? Should I even bother asking someone else that question or is it purely what I want?
I pay very little attention to how I look. I can honestly say that I look like some sort of vagrant 60 - 70% of the time. And my attitude is always - "hell if I care". Sometimes it makes no different. I already assume that because of the color of my skin, a majority of people will dismiss me before I even get the chance to speak. Why then, should what I cover my body with be of any significance. Apparently, not many other people think in this manner. Appearance is everything. I am wrong. I am strange. I need to change. Someone needs to take me shopping.
And when these ideas seep into my head, they surely have an effect on the way that I feel about myself. I question my lack of concern, I question if I could actually look better, I wonder if anything would change if I did. Sigh.
I googled "how to be girly", of course a million pages came up because everyone has advice on what it means to be feminine. Wear pink, cake your face with makeup, stop playing sports, put on that mini skirt, do your hair all the time, read the trend magazines, they might as well add STOP THINKING FOR YOURSELF. Jeezus. I don't get it, but I wish that I did. When I go shopping, often times I dread it. Half of the pants don't fit over my hips, and the ones that do fit awkwardly. My skin doesn't look nice in most colors of make up and so I just stick with eyeliner. I'm too hairy to wear overly revealing clothes, and I don't have the body for it either. And I like comfortable clothes, I like band shirts, I hate magazines, I don't know how to be girly...and the more I talk about it, the less attractive the whole concept of it seems.
I feel like "becoming" girly, is similar to building a wall around yourself because you're creating some persona - that at all times you are dolled up in tight/revealing clothes, never without your makeup and accessories, looking as though you just came in from a fashion magazine. It's so much work.
Maybe I'm just lazy and disinterested and I shouldn't be complaining if I'm not willing to make the necessary arrangements. That's probably it but I don't know HOW to care that much about my appearance. My mom is a really simple woman, no make up, she keeps her hair short, and she wears what she has. She rarely goes shopping, and when she does she buys conservative clothing. I think that's where my attitude towards it all stems from. I mean, I don't want to be conservative really, I just want to be able to be myself without my clothes defining who I am, without having to hide behind a cosmetic mask. Is that too much to ask for!?
My cats are going crazy. I'm not sure if it's because they sense a hurricane coming and they are desperate to escape the confines of my shoe-box sized apartment. Maybe they are just crazy in general, who knows.
So here I am, at home, thinking thoughts about where I would be if the person that I fell for and I were still cool. He'd probably be here, and we'd probably be waking up next to each other. I think that's definitely something that I'll miss, that closeness, that intimacy that I've experienced previously but never so frequently with the same person. I know I'm going to be okay though, despite how much I miss him I know that we aren't going to go back and try again...that's what gets me.
It's been a really back and forth year...physically I am destroyed. My body is exhausted from my work and school schedule, not to mention my awful diet when I'm at school. I've continuously gotten this yeast infection and I have no idea why, it might be something more than that. I got laser hair removal treatment for my neck and the lady who performed the procedure went on a power trip and did my face, so now I have hair on my face that I have to shave every day. Do you know how embarrassing that is? How much it makes me despise being in public sometimes? And one of my jobs is as a math tutor, so I'm right next to people ALL the time. I've tried using make up, I've trying using my hair to cover it, I've tried shaving it all the time. But the make up feels gross on my skin, and it doesn't really cover anything. Using my hair to cover it, just makes my skin more oily and therefore prone to breakouts, and shaving it just makes the skin darker. It's a lose-lose-lose situation all across the board. My neck sorta looks better...but it still makes me ashamed sometimes.
I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL GIRL.
I didn't learn from my problem with the neck hair and I started tweezing my chest hair after seeing another woman with some extremely long hair. It all started in my head and then became an addiction, a sick anti-hair addiction, that now prevents me from doing so much.
It's my fault, I know and it's up to me how I decide to deal with it. Most times I just want to give up though. I don't even bother trying to look attractive now. It's just band shirts and often times loose fitting pants. I'm comfortable for sure, but I don't get any male attention. And now that my previous snuggle buddy and I are no longer cool, I definitely don't know what to do.
Well, that's somewhat a lie. Angel was trying to ask me out yesterday, but in my head, he's just desperate. And then he got pushy, and I had to put my foot down. I know when I like someone, and he doesn't incite any sort of interest or excitement in me so I know that I don't like him. My old band mate Vic randomly asked me if I would date him when we hanging out a few weeks ago, I said yeah because he's one of the coolest people I know, the only thing is that I'm not attracted to him.
Ugh. What's the use. Maybe love will just find its way to me when it feels like it.
After having a friend read my tarot cards, I feel compelled to restart my journey of self love. She's read my aura, palm, and tarot cards and all of them were spot on. So I feel like I can really take control of my decisions, my actions, my thoughts. She and another friend of mine are great examples and inspirations of being able to control how they react and deal with any given situation in the best possible way. I want to do the same. I also want to explore religion some more. Explore the world. Meet some more people. Read some more books. Go to some more shows. Finish some homework. Make some babies lol, JAYKAY. No babies. Ever.
I also played my first show with my band last week, only to realize that I don't think that I want to be in a band with them anymore lol. We don't sound bad, but there's too many issues, drama. I don't know if it's worth it. I guess we'll see next friday when we're supposed to try out a new singer. This will just be more drama, I can tell lol.
If the world doesn't end in new jersey today, hopefully I can get back the results of my blood work from the doctor this week. And we'll go from there.
Something is wrong with me and I can't figure out what it is. I think I have an std...because something has been wrong for the past year or so and now my body is failing. I hope it isn't something more serious. But I'm looking for a place to get tested and none of them have hours that are conducive to my schedule. I'm freaking out inside of my head. HOW CAN I TELL SOMEONE THAT I THINK I HAVE AN STD? WHO GAVE IT TO ME? HAVE I GIVEN IT TO ANYONE?
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to cry.
I feel helpless.
Deleting documents on this laptop. Figured this blog would be the best place to put it instead.
ďAnd we will talk, until thoughtís melody
Become too sweet for utterance, and it die
In words, to live again in looks, which dart
With thrilling tone into the voiceless heart,
Harmonizing silence without a sound.
Our breath shall intermix, our bosoms bound
And our veins beat together, and our lips
With other eloquence than words, eclipse
The soul that burns between them, and the wells
Which boil under our beingís inmost cells,
The fountains of our deepest life, shall be
Confused in Passionís golden purity
As mountain springs under the morning sun
We shall become the same, we shall be one
Spirit within two frames, oh! Wherefore two?"
I kinda hate everything right now, especially myself. I spend so much time inside of my own head, I don't know how to deal with anyone. I'm training to be a student orientation leader at my school, and at lunch yesterday, a young man that I am not particularly fond of sat next to me. After an extensive amount of time and silence passed, he said to me "You know, you're really quiet." I wanted to be the sarcastic eggshell that I am and say "No, I haven't noticed actually", but instead I said, "Yeah, I know." He proceeded to ask me how I expected to be able to speak to the incoming students, if I couldn't speak to the people I was around. I was at a loss. I didn't know how to answer that question. I wanted to say everything under the sun, but I felt much too vulnerable to do so. I just said "It's easier to talk to strangers than it is to talk to the people I'm going to see again." Which is partially true, for me at least. Then he got ridiculous and said "So you're saying that if you go to another country you would take your clothes off and get naked because you would never see those people again?" Essentially, the answer is yes, out of principle alone BUT that's a completely exaggerated example. In a literal sense, no I would not get naked. I rarely get naked when I'm having sex. I don't like my body enough to show it to anybody. I would have liked to express that, but I chose not to and just said yes. The conversation ended there, as it should have because he was being absurd.
The thing is, I felt like I was being attacked. Who are you to point out the way I am, as if it were a problem? I was selected for this training, just as you were, correct? So allow me to do my job. I don't need to having meaningless conversations with you or anyone else. I will be fine all the same without them. In fact, if there's anything that I hate about the majority of people is that they all engage in this practice. What is the point of conversation that has no depth? makes no difference? It's talking for the sake of talking. A butchering of words and their capabilities. After the conversation, I sat around for a few more minutes and then just packed my stuff, left the room, and went to go sit by myself. Yes, I am socially awkward. I'll be the first to admit it, but to sit there and feel as uncomfortable as I did, just didn't make sense so I left. I wanted to go up to the counseling center, just to have someone to talk to...but I chickened out. I'm afraid of so many things, and I can't seem to put my finger on why.
After the incident, the day got progressively worse, although I did see my friend Chris, which is always nice. But since I got the laser hair removal treatment on my neck last week, my neck looks so scarred and filled with pimples so I try to hide it when I talk to people. It makes things so difficult! I have to position my head a certain way, and then try and use my short hair to cover it up. Ugh I just want to be normal. No 19 year old girl should have to go through this. I'm so jealous of the pretty women I meet, that can just be normal and have attractive men swoon after them. I'm always trying to cover my latest skin imperfection; from the hair on my face and face, to huge pimples, to ingrown hairs.
I have single handedly destroyed my natural cycle of hair growth all over my body, in case that wasn't obvious. When I was was younger, I shaved everything because I thought I was hairy and now I truly am hairy. It's a real self esteem downer and it's made me really uncomfortable with certain forms of intimacy. I try to hide it, but it's hard to. And the guy I happen to be dating right now, has been with 8 other women, so he's well aware of what a woman "should" look like and I feel like the ugliest thing he's ever come face to face with. He rarely compliments mean, even though I tell him how attractive he is as much as possible. And yesterday, we were watching Love and Hiphop Atl. and he said "daaaamn, sorry, but daaaamn" about one of the women on the show. My little self esteem bubble shrunk indeed.
After the situation at training, I kept to myself for the remainder of the day with the only exciting thought in my head being about seeing my boyfriend. And when he finally got to my house, he wasn't in a good mood. So, no affection, no attention, and a "daaaamn" about some chick on the tv screen. Man was I feeling awesome. I had felt alone all day, just to feel even more isolated when I saw the only person that I wanted to see.
It just hurts, ya know? Maybe I want too much, but I'm not getting anything near it. It turns out the only reason he came over was to break up the weed we purchased so he could put it into baggies and then he planned to head out. I felt even more insulted, I really just needed a hug...someone to ask how I was doing...but no one did. I went to my roof to cry and clear my head and I went outside of the railing. I told myself, if life REALLY isn't worth it, if you REALLY hate it so much then end it. What do you have to lose? I stood there for a few minutes, just thinking, crying, with my heart racing...was this how it would end? By me giving up and jumping off of my roof?
I stepped back, and went back behind the railing and decided that it was time for me to leave the roof. I went back to my apartment and just went to bed. Now I'm here, the morning after. Soon, I'll be running late for work, but who cares? I'm still as unfulfilled as I was before I went to bed. I hope today will be better.
It's been awhile since I've been overly pessimistic about anything (in my opinion, at least), but all things have endings and here I am..knocking on pessimism's door asking to stay over for a while.
I haven't really had time to be bummed, I've been so bombarded with school work but school is finally coming to a close for the semester and I have the entire summer to worry about. I shouldn't be "worrying", but I am because I hate sitting around and being unproductive which happens quite often. I don't have friends that I'm always around, I don't have a place that I always go to hang around. I don't have anything but myself and my music. It's been that way for so long, but I never wanted it to be.
I feel like I have nothing going for me at this point. Food not bombs, I think I said in my last blog, has been moving ever so slowly and everyone that signed up is terribly unresponsive. My band is not doing shit, we can't even throw another benefit show because when we start talking about it, we get distracted. We still haven't found a singer, John can't finish a song, it's so frustrating. I'm afraid to see what my grades are this semester... What the fuck man? I just want to not exist. There is nothing for me, not in this place, and probably not anywhere else. I want to cry. I want to sit on my bed and cry. I want to decay in a matter of minutes, without saying goodbye to anyone. I want no one to notice, I want no one to care, I don't want anyone ever stepping food in my room again. I want to cut each and every tie that I have to this world.
I don't know if I could actually commit suicide without chickening out...
No one cares, and frankly, I'm tired of caring too. There is nothing to look forward to.
Skinnerbox is playing in Brooklyn next week, I bought tickets over a month ago. The person i asked to come with me just cancelled, woohoo, another show alone. I'm always alone.
And I was SO excited, until I realized that I haven't made any plans for vacation.
What is a girl to do? I mean, I know I need to meet some new people...but where do I start? Where do I go?
Food Not Bombs has NOT been working out for me at all. I tried to have the first meeting this past weekend, and no one showed up. I'll keep trying, it's definitely worth a shot. I know I want to go to a couple shows. I want to exercise. All that good stuff, but that still leaves me with a TON of time.
So what are other people planning to do?
I think I may take 2 summer classes ar the local community college, and maybe a dance class. I'll also be having band practice on the weekends, but other than all that I'll still have so much time.
Maybe I can find a boyfriend this summer...that would make things interesting.
Or even just someone to talk to.
Hmm, maybe I can volunteer for some other organizations.
I just hope I don't spend a majority of my time indoors, doing nothing. That would suck.
Now off to finish my remaining homework for the semesterrrr.
I want new friends -- I want to be alone
I want to lose weight -- I don't give a shit if I lose a pound
I'm straight edge -- I need a drink!
It's all so repetitive, useless, and time consuming. I can't stick to anything.
I just noticed new strecth marks on my body though, so I really need to calm down with what I'm eating. I should have known better. I've been really uncomfortable all day. MY feet hurt from walking in flats so much yesterday, and the pants that I was wearing didn't comply with my thunder thighs, so I chaffed pretty badly. I hope you're laughing, because I'm not.
I went on a date last night with Sam. It was nice, but ...all he wanted to talk about was "if we were dating...". I don't do good with hypotheticals, when I assume, I'm usually wrong so I try not to. I don't think he liked most of my answers to his questions, but hey, at least he got answers.
I went to the anarchist bookfair, second year in a row, still went alone. I'm getting tired of being alone.
John is Joan's new best friends/hook up buddy so I'm even more alone than before. It happens.
I don't really want to hook up with Sam, I might as well though.
I should've stopped to learn Chess today, but I was in a rush to go to the bookfair and be alone and wandering. I thought about going to the afterparty but ...again, being alone sucks. No one would have paid attention to me anyway, I wasn't punk enough compared to everyone else that was there. I'll never be a part of that scene, I would like to just for the sake of being able to make new friends but I don't like hardcore music very much so we wouldn't have a solid basis for our friendship.
I saw Eric, this guy I met at a party about a month ago. I invited him to my FNB benefit show, of course he didn't show up and he didn't recognize me today :[ no surprise there, either.
I need to work out and get laid or just find someone that's willing to waste time with me. I'll take anything at this point.
On a side note, today was my first day of Spring Break. I had work in the University Admissions office, only for about three hours, but they were probably the most dull hours I've spent in a while. I also work tomorrow, and I have a meeting for the tutoring center where I was recently hired. This break almost doesn't sound like much of a break! I'll enjoy it regardless. I have quite a few people that I'd still like to see, and a few places that I'd like to visit. And definitely spend some more time with my family.
I'm also throwing a benefit show at the end of the month to raise money for FNB, so I'll be having 3 band practices this week. Exciting stuff! I'll be practicing on my own as well..tonight was a fail though. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 10 p.m. Tomorrow is an early start though. I want to get some exercise in, and some homework and then off to work.
I'm currently reading "The Sirens of Titan" by Kurt Vonnegut. It's really interesting, as are all Vonnegut books. I need an imagination like that, haha. I'm going to finish it this week, and start on "The Wretched of the Earth" by Franz Fanon. I borrowed it from my school's library and it's due back in the beginning of April, so I want to finish it on time. It was recommended to me by the director of the Community Awareness program at my local library. Very intelligent man, but he recommended me like 10 books at one time as if I'm not a student, and have all the time in the world. I appreciated it though.
On another note, my "love" life is a mess. It always has been, truth be told. But, it's an enjoyable mess at the moment and I'm going to make the best of it.
A friend of mine came up from Florida this past week, and I finally saw her last night. It was great being able to vent, and talk, and catch up. It had been a really long time since we really had a conversation, so I was happy that it happened. Her flight is tonight, so I hope she gets there safe and sound. She has a lot of issues that she has to confront when she gets back, but I know she'll get through them. I'm 100% sure.
Well, it's time that I go back to bed. ( I took like a 3 hour nap not too long ago. But I love sleep!) Have a good night, reader.
forgot how much science frustrates me. It's just SO MUCH INFORMATION. God, I can't believe I did this to myself. Geology? Really? I'm an idiot. I mean, my teacher is great but the studying on my own part...is going terribly. I can't focus, I don't want to focus, it's just an overwhelming amount of things to remember. MY MIND CAN'T TAKE IT.
Off of facebook for the hundreth time.
And my phone is off.
All I have is AIM, which no one uses anymore. I need some time to get my head in the right state anyway!
Today was fun, I hung out with Chris. We walked all the way from his dorm to his house, exchanging stories, and advice, like we always do. I always enjoy spending time with him. I can be myself and laugh and not worry about anything. Then we walked allllll the way back to his dorm, stopped by Burger King, and then ate inside his room. It was great.
Last night was a treat too, surprisingly. I had spent the day moping around, miserable, mad at the world. And then I attempted to have band practice with John and James, even though I said I wouldn't. We didn't do much, and we were only there for an hour. Since my plans to go to Matt's show got ruined since I'm not 21, I had nothing to do. My other friend Matt invited me to Greg's house to watch movies, but I didn't want to. So John invited me to go walking with him and James, so I went along. We met up with some other people who needed John to buy liquor for them and afterwards everyone left, leaving just me and John. We visited Sam at his job, then picked up some beer and headed back to my basement. We just talked and talked and talked. I mostly listened because he has such great stories. There are so many attractive things about John but on the other hand...there's a lot of bad, ya know? But he's great to have around. I wanted to kiss him..but I was far too tipsy and shy. It would've ruined the moment anyway.
So now that I'm isolated, I guess I'll try to make the best of it. Should be fun. :)
I let things get the best of me, again. Yesterday, for whatever reason, my hormones were being unusually active and so I was craving some physical attention. I didn't want to ask my ex-boyfriend, sometimes his smell just disgusts me. I didn't want to ask James, because he doesn't make sense and he was macking on my ex-boyfriends sister at the last party I had. So I asked John...nothing ended up happening. He made no effort to even try to get to me. 75% of the time, if he asks for something, I'll give it to him. The one time, well actually the second time, that I initiate the conversation, I don't get anything. Later he texted me and asked if he could sleep over, I told him yes and guess what? He doesn't show up. Multiple times he tells me that he's on his way, so I get all excited and shower and shave and wait...and wait...and wait...until he calls at 2 o' clock to say that he would start on his way over but if I no longer wanted him to stay, it was okay because he could stay at someone else's house. Imagine the look on my face. I gave some weak ass answer, because I felt stupid. I think I said "Alright, I guess you don't have to come then". I should've just hung up. But instead, after we hung up. I turned off my phone and threw it. It's still on the floor. I'm not touching it. No one is going to call me with anything important anyway. I don't want to have band practice with two people that I, currently, have negative feelings towards. It wouldn't be productive and I'd feel awkward.
Last night I had a strange dream. There were a ton of people in it, but the main thing I remember is that Murphy called me and told me that he kind of cheated on me. And I jumped and said "with who!?". I was offended. OFFENDED. Of all people to be offended, it should not be me! Simply because I cheated on him when we were together (which I am no longer cool with the idea of), and I was the one who broke up with him. If anyone shouldn't care, it's me. Even though it was just a dream. I haven't slept with Murphy since October, I'm sure he's had to have had sex with someone else by now.
I tried out for Inertia yesterday. It was intense. I've never done done punk drumming to that extent. I kinda got it...kinda didn't. Overall it wasn't BAD, but it wasn't GOOD either. They didn't tell me whether I'm in or not. I'm assuming I'm not. What does it matter though! Honestly. Nothing would have changed. I probably would have felt cooler though, and that's always a plus.
Yesterday was a fail in a number of ways. Sam and I were supposed to hang out. He invited two other people, and they're all video game nerds. SO THE CONVERSATION WAS ALL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. OH GOD, IT WAS SO FUN -__- . I left. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even fake it. It was just boring. It was irrelevant to my life, and it bored me. I'd rather be alone, so I went home to be alone. Awesome.
And then Eric texted me "blowjob" and I replied with a "lol" and of course he got his panties all in a bunch. Then he texted me that he felt led on, and I haven't hit him up to chill in a while, and we don't talk, so he gives up trying. I tried to ask him if he wanted to hang out like 15 minutes before he sent that text and he said "don't bother now.bye". I didn't answer. I was offended, once again. I don't give a fuck. He's acting like a girl. He's the one always badgering me about getting a blowjob or a double blowjob, and I always laugh it off because I don't WANT TO. It'd be FUCKING AWKWARD. And then he has the nerve to say that I don't hit him up to chill? Well maybe if you FUCKING ASKED HOW I WAS DOING INSTEAD OF HITTING ME UP WITH THAT BLOWJOB BULLSHIT, I'd be more inclined to hang out with you. PLUS. It's fucking cold out all the time and there's nothing to do at either of our houses. And you don't have money. So where are we gonna go? huh? Answer me that. The last time I asked you to run errands with me which was...a week and a half ago...you said "it's too fucking cold outside" and I said "you're right" and that was it. So get the fuck out of my face. I didn't answer. I erased all the messages in my inbox (except for the locked messages, the button to unlock those no longer works so...they'll be there forever).
UGH. I'm not happy. I should be happy. I shouldn't let people bring down my happiness. I need something to be happy about. Should I be happy about the fact that I'm alive? Even though it feels like a gift that I can't take advantage of?
I miss Chris. I hate him. I told the guys from Inertia the whole story about him taking my v-card. I don't think I should have done that. It was stupid. I'm stupid. They probably don't believe me, like Steff said. I have a picture though. I haven't looked at it in a while, I don't plan to. The past is the past. It's just...if I could have sex with anyone...it'd be him. Or even if I could cuddle or just kiss or even hold hands with (his hands are so small), it'd be him. I'm beat. Sooooo sooooo beat.