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corrupt_rocker's Journal
I ALMOST
02/06/12 at 02:16 PM by corrupt_rocker
forgot how much science frustrates me. It's just SO MUCH INFORMATION. God, I can't believe I did this to myself. Geology? Really? I'm an idiot. I mean, my teacher is great but the studying on my own part...is going terribly. I can't focus, I don't want to focus, it's just an overwhelming amount of things to remember. MY MIND CAN'T TAKE IT.


Now,..off to Geology class I go. Pray for me.
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early morning small talk
01/23/12 at 07:29 AM by corrupt_rocker
Now that I think about it, the reason I keep deleting my facebook is because I don't want to spend a majority of my time behind a computer screen admiring the life and times of other people.

Same goes for the tv screen. All I did was watch reality tv anyway. It's just watching people live their lives instead of living my own.

It doesn't make sense. My life is my gift, and I need to start treating it like one.


I should probably start going to bed early, too. I'm fucking tired.
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disconnected
01/22/12 at 07:37 PM by corrupt_rocker
Off of facebook for the hundreth time.
And my phone is off.

All I have is AIM, which no one uses anymore. I need some time to get my head in the right state anyway!

Today was fun, I hung out with Chris. We walked all the way from his dorm to his house, exchanging stories, and advice, like we always do. I always enjoy spending time with him. I can be myself and laugh and not worry about anything. Then we walked allllll the way back to his dorm, stopped by Burger King, and then ate inside his room. It was great.

Last night was a treat too, surprisingly. I had spent the day moping around, miserable, mad at the world. And then I attempted to have band practice with John and James, even though I said I wouldn't. We didn't do much, and we were only there for an hour. Since my plans to go to Matt's show got ruined since I'm not 21, I had nothing to do. My other friend Matt invited me to Greg's house to watch movies, but I didn't want to. So John invited me to go walking with him and James, so I went along. We met up with some other people who needed John to buy liquor for them and afterwards everyone left, leaving just me and John. We visited Sam at his job, then picked up some beer and headed back to my basement. We just talked and talked and talked. I mostly listened because he has such great stories. There are so many attractive things about John but on the other hand...there's a lot of bad, ya know? But he's great to have around. I wanted to kiss him..but I was far too tipsy and shy. It would've ruined the moment anyway.

So now that I'm isolated, I guess I'll try to make the best of it. Should be fun. :)
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rowing.
01/21/12 at 07:38 AM by corrupt_rocker
I'm tired and my stomach is upset.

I'm upset too, I think.

I let things get the best of me, again. Yesterday, for whatever reason, my hormones were being unusually active and so I was craving some physical attention. I didn't want to ask my ex-boyfriend, sometimes his smell just disgusts me. I didn't want to ask James, because he doesn't make sense and he was macking on my ex-boyfriends sister at the last party I had. So I asked John...nothing ended up happening. He made no effort to even try to get to me. 75% of the time, if he asks for something, I'll give it to him. The one time, well actually the second time, that I initiate the conversation, I don't get anything. Later he texted me and asked if he could sleep over, I told him yes and guess what? He doesn't show up. Multiple times he tells me that he's on his way, so I get all excited and shower and shave and wait...and wait...and wait...until he calls at 2 o' clock to say that he would start on his way over but if I no longer wanted him to stay, it was okay because he could stay at someone else's house. Imagine the look on my face. I gave some weak ass answer, because I felt stupid. I think I said "Alright, I guess you don't have to come then". I should've just hung up. But instead, after we hung up. I turned off my phone and threw it. It's still on the floor. I'm not touching it. No one is going to call me with anything important anyway. I don't want to have band practice with two people that I, currently, have negative feelings towards. It wouldn't be productive and I'd feel awkward.

Last night I had a strange dream. There were a ton of people in it, but the main thing I remember is that Murphy called me and told me that he kind of cheated on me. And I jumped and said "with who!?". I was offended. OFFENDED. Of all people to be offended, it should not be me! Simply because I cheated on him when we were together (which I am no longer cool with the idea of), and I was the one who broke up with him. If anyone shouldn't care, it's me. Even though it was just a dream. I haven't slept with Murphy since October, I'm sure he's had to have had sex with someone else by now.

I tried out for Inertia yesterday. It was intense. I've never done done punk drumming to that extent. I kinda got it...kinda didn't. Overall it wasn't BAD, but it wasn't GOOD either. They didn't tell me whether I'm in or not. I'm assuming I'm not. What does it matter though! Honestly. Nothing would have changed. I probably would have felt cooler though, and that's always a plus.

Yesterday was a fail in a number of ways. Sam and I were supposed to hang out. He invited two other people, and they're all video game nerds. SO THE CONVERSATION WAS ALL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. OH GOD, IT WAS SO FUN -__- . I left. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even fake it. It was just boring. It was irrelevant to my life, and it bored me. I'd rather be alone, so I went home to be alone. Awesome.

And then Eric texted me "blowjob" and I replied with a "lol" and of course he got his panties all in a bunch. Then he texted me that he felt led on, and I haven't hit him up to chill in a while, and we don't talk, so he gives up trying. I tried to ask him if he wanted to hang out like 15 minutes before he sent that text and he said "don't bother now.bye". I didn't answer. I was offended, once again. I don't give a fuck. He's acting like a girl. He's the one always badgering me about getting a blowjob or a double blowjob, and I always laugh it off because I don't WANT TO. It'd be FUCKING AWKWARD. And then he has the nerve to say that I don't hit him up to chill? Well maybe if you FUCKING ASKED HOW I WAS DOING INSTEAD OF HITTING ME UP WITH THAT BLOWJOB BULLSHIT, I'd be more inclined to hang out with you. PLUS. It's fucking cold out all the time and there's nothing to do at either of our houses. And you don't have money. So where are we gonna go? huh? Answer me that. The last time I asked you to run errands with me which was...a week and a half ago...you said "it's too fucking cold outside" and I said "you're right" and that was it. So get the fuck out of my face. I didn't answer. I erased all the messages in my inbox (except for the locked messages, the button to unlock those no longer works so...they'll be there forever).

UGH. I'm not happy. I should be happy. I shouldn't let people bring down my happiness. I need something to be happy about. Should I be happy about the fact that I'm alive? Even though it feels like a gift that I can't take advantage of?

I miss Chris. I hate him. I told the guys from Inertia the whole story about him taking my v-card. I don't think I should have done that. It was stupid. I'm stupid. They probably don't believe me, like Steff said. I have a picture though. I haven't looked at it in a while, I don't plan to. The past is the past. It's just...if I could have sex with anyone...it'd be him. Or even if I could cuddle or just kiss or even hold hands with (his hands are so small), it'd be him. I'm beat. Sooooo sooooo beat.
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oh yes.
12/27/11 at 07:54 PM by corrupt_rocker
Started deleting a ton of locked messages and phone calls from old love interests, band mates, people who used to be relevant to my life.

Deleted skype.

Throwing out a whole lot of papers, cards, pictures.

I'm ready to be liberated! Freed from the baggage of an unimportant past.

And yet, I'm still looking for someone to enjoy the future with. I guess I have to wait and see who that'll be.
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We'll see.
12/26/11 at 08:53 AM by corrupt_rocker
WOOP WOOP. Good morning. It's the day after Christmas and I'm feeling pretty good. Last night was lame though.

I was eating in my basement with Matt and then my dad forced me to come up stairs at like 9:10. The fuck? So I ended up spending the rest of my night, alone, in my room. Thankfully, I had Chris to text back and forth with and we planned to hang out today. AND Rudolph called me! It wasn't the best conversation but it wasn't bad either. I was just surprised that he called. It made me happy. And after we got off of the phone, he texted me like 20 minutes later saying "come over we nap". I wanted to send back a "<3" but I figured that would be awkward haha. I hope I get to hang out with him more over this break. Along with all the people I exchanged numbers and facebooks with at my partay.

I'm glad Christmas is over though, all that hype for no reason! Yes, I am a hater lol. I think I'm going to get a manicure and pedicure today...I don't REALLY deserve it, but I want it. So i'm going to treat myself :)

Also, the bouncing souls are playing tomorrow night in Asbury Park! I really really want to go but I'm hesitant about asking my dad to take me. He's such a pain in the butt sometimes. I looked at how long it would be by public transpo from where I am, and it'd be a 3 hour trip compared to a 1 hour trip by car. >.< I'll just ask for the sake of it.

I have a feeling this week will be a good one. I'm going to try and keep my mind set as optimistic as possible :D

Well, i'm off to start my day.
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Can I?
12/25/11 at 11:23 AM by corrupt_rocker
Can I make a wish?

Would that be weird? Especially if I don't have a reason such as birthday candles or a shooting star?

Either way, I'm going to.

I wish that... I could effectively change my perspective to optimism. Regardless of the circumstances, I wish that I could always look on the brighter side of things. I wish that I could stop second guessing everything I say or do, it makes everything complicated when it doesn't have to be. I wish being alone didn't bother me so much! Sometimes it's good to be alone. I wish I could do something great. Like write a hit song or write an award winning book. I wish I could go back to drum lessons. I wish I had the balls to start my own ska band. I wish I could be better at writing lyrics. I wish my hair would grow faster! I wish that I could find someone that genuinely enjoys me for me. I wish I was virgin. I wish I could stop worrying about what other people think about me. I wish someone would return Matt's ipod. I wish my boyfriend would agree that we should just be friends since that's what we act like anyway. I wish that I had a never ending supply of money, so I could go to shows whenever I pleased and orders clothes and cd's whenever I wanted to. I wish I had more people to consider real friends. I wish that anyone who ever ends up seeing this, has an awesome day.

One wish turned into many, haha. But it's a good thing. Maybe one will come true. Merry Christmas!
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Christmas party?
12/21/11 at 07:57 AM by corrupt_rocker
I'm trying to throw a Christmas party for the first time. I mean, there will definitely be alcohol but I don't want that to be the main part of the party.

What kind of games should be played?

Maybe like charades? or 21 questions? or hmm, I really have no idea.

On another note, I'm baking. Actually I'm buying Spanish Christmas cards for all the people that are attending, attaching candy canes to the envelope along with 6 cookies wrapped up in little baggies. I figured it would be cute, especially for the people who don't really do much for Christmas. I wanted to do Secret Santa, but everyone is broke so it couldn't work out.

As far as food goes...well, we always order pizza for my parties. But again, it's Christmas, I kinda want to jazz it up a bit. We'll probably end up with pizza anyway lol. It's whatever though, as long as everyone has a good time. That's the important part.

I don't even know what kind of cookies I should bake. There are too many options, and I'm too indecisive! I saw these really cute ginger bread man cookie molds at Rite Aid yesterday though. Maybe I'll pick that up today.

I haven't even finished my Christmas shopping... I keep forgetting. I just need to pick up something for my mom and dad. My brother just wants money (so lame). I was going to get my Dad a new shower head for his other house but my mom doesn't think that would be a good idea. So..I guess I'll just have to find something else. She wants a sweater or shoes, but it's a matter of what will fit or not, which I won't be able to know because she isn't coming with me when I go shopping. I suppose I'll just have to go with my gut feeling. Hopefully it works out.


Well, I'm not very excited about Christmas this year because I don't think it'll compare to last year when I met Chris, even though he ruined my existence lol. I had a great time with him. My boyfriend now...I don't know. It's been a strange relationship, and I don't know if I want to go into the new year still dating him. Maybe he'll suprise me this Christmas? We'll see.

Well, it's time to go find recipes and do laundry. Hooray.
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bullshit.
12/06/11 at 09:41 AM by corrupt_rocker
Skinnerbox is amazing.

Ska always puts me in a good mood.

I'm hungry.

And I just saw the most gorgeous man walk into the computer lab.


:)
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excuses.
11/22/11 at 09:35 AM by corrupt_rocker
Another day in the lame life of Shari. Jeez, sometimes I just detest the thought of waking up to another day of lonliness and bullshit. I must sound like the most miserable, ungrateful person. Well, as much as I don't mean to sound that way, I don't doubt it.

Last night I was trying to do a Shakespeare paper that was given to me about two weeks ago. Of course, I waited until the last minute to start it. (Stupid on my part, I know). And ever after I started it, I was bullshitting my time, looking up random things, masturbating, taking a shower, talking to myself in the mirror. Ugh, when I finally decided to seriously sit down and get my work done, it was 11 o' clock and I was beginning to get sleepy. Then my laptop had to be awesome and stop working. Like everything just froze. Regardless of how many times I shut it off and turned it back on, it would freeze in a matter of minutes. I'm sure it's a virus. What sucks is that, the laptop isn't even mine, it's my fathers. He's a professor and the school he works for gave it to him. So, I feel like a selfish piece of shit. I'm pretty sure I know where the virus came from anyway...my Shakespeare paper was about any film adaptation of a Shakespeare play. I went to some shady websites to find a free version of Hamlet by Kenneth Branagh. Such a dumb move...

So once the laptop started being a dick, I shut it off and decided that I'd just to go to the library at school, early as shit, and get it done. Of course my bus is a half hour late, of course! How could it not be! So I get to my school at 9:30, my Shakespeare class is at 10:00. Completely useless. I explained to my Professor what happened, he didn't look happy, I didn't care. I have until tomorrow. Now I'm at the library, working on it. I was supposed to be tutoring some girl at this time though, she hasn't shown up/called/texted me, so I'm assuming she either forgot or just didn't want to show up. Whatever, that's her business.

Back to my paper though! I still haven't seen the Hamlet movie! I won't dare look for a free version on this computer, it'll just end up with a virus as well. And I left the paper with the assignment at home, like a genius. The problem is..my desktop nor the laptop work at home. And I live across town ( I take public transpo), the library closes at 4. Nothing is working in my favor. I really just want to give up. I won't though, I can get this paper down...some how.

And my stomach hurts :[ . I cried this morning. I just got fed up with shit. And I bitched at my mom for no reason when she was tyring to help me. I don't know why I did that. A part of me feels like it's insincere help. Like she's only playing her part as my mom. If that makes sense? I mean, when I try and ask her for advice, she never has anything to say. I don't know if it's because she's as indecisive as I am or if she just doesn't want to help me. I have no clue. But the things she does want to help me with, seem unimportant and so I get angry. I need to stop that though.

I need to take these shoes off too. They fucking choke my feet. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't really talk to anyone about the way I feel about everything. It never seems like anyone wants to listen. I don't blame them. I haven't seen John since when we fucked around. I don't miss him. I've tried texting him a couple times since then, to no avail so I've lost interest. I saw Murphy a couple days ago...last Friday to be exact. He bought me liquor, I got drunk, talked for a bit and then passed out on a nearby mattress for an hour or two and then went home.

I no longer have an interest in intoxication. It's not fun. Or maybe, I'm just doing it with the wrong people. I still think I'm in the wrong place but that shit isn't going to change for another couple years, I assume. Until then, I'll just have to deal with being a loner. Maybe I'll rediscover my love for drugs and alcohol but I doubt it.

I would love to just pay off the rest of my school tuition, have some money in my pocket, go to shows, hang out, volunteer my time somewhere, meet some new people, enjoy myself. I don't know when any of that will take place. I should be more hopeful than I am but that's hard to do.
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me levanto.
10/29/11 at 04:35 PM by corrupt_rocker
It's snowing and I'm hungry.

I'd make muffins or biscuits but that would require butter, of which I have none. I would have to run to the store...in the snow and freezing cold.. I'd really rather not. I think it's because I've been sitting in a warm bed for the past four hours so getting up doesn't seem too great at the moment.

However,

These biscuits look fucking delicious. Fairly easy recipe with not much baking time. Man, they look good


Alright, my stomach is getting the best of me. I give in.

Tags: food
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ticking
10/25/11 at 07:43 PM by corrupt_rocker
Cheers to failure!

Aside from some recent weight gain, things have been going pretty well. I am finally over Chris, after ten agonizing months. I have been sober except for one drink during the past two months. I've gotten my first paycheck from my two jobs at school and greatly enjoyed spending money again. Overall, school has been great! Except for my English Comp class, that is. My teacher for that course is a ridiculous person in general and in style of writing often times, doesn't even make complete sense. But whatever, it's cool, I just hope I don't end up failing.

As I was saying, things have generally been good. But there have been a couple of significant snags along the way. First, the band I had with John is now nonexistant, which is really upsetting because I enjoyed playing music with him and I enjoyed hanging around him, he's good company. But he's always working and the only time he actually hits me up is when he needs a place to crash or wants some kind of sexual favor which is NOT COOL in my book. I understand, you're a guy, you need sexual attention too but he knows I'm dating someone, he even went to high school with the guy! The reason I think he continously asks me for favors though is because one time I let him kiss me. I have no good reason as to why I let him. I remember being mad at my boyfriend that day but that isn't a good enough reason so I won't even try to make that the excuse. I'm also terribly attracted to John, I always have been since I saw him playing in a local band when I was younger. I haven't seen him since that day we kissed though, probably for the better. He texted me this morning but I didn't reply, I'm sure he'll just say something stupid again.

Next month is my birthday!I was so excited to have a party until I realized I don't have friends. I mean, I know people but once I started telling everyone that I was planning to have a party, they started telling me that they'd be working or they couldn't make it. Or blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. So I was like, NEVERMIND. SILLY ME, WHAT MADE ME THINK I HAD FRIENDS?? So then I decided that I'd just go get my nose pierced for my birthday but the more I think about it, the less I want a hole in my nose :\ . Next idea was getting a tattoo but the more I think about it...the less I want something permanent on my skin. Such a lose-lose situation. I've finally come to conclusion that I would like a small gathering in my basement, with a few "friends", some drugs, and some alcohol. I'd also like a balloon in the shape of a monkey and a bicycle. Reasonable? I think so. OH AND A CAKE. I REALLY WANT A NICE CAKE <3

I've been in a band with this guy named Victor for the past month or so and it's great! We found a bassist and a singer but they are both unreliable people so usually at practice, it's just me and Vic but we still rock out like it's no one else's business. He's really open to playing different kinds of music so I feel at ease when I'm playing drums and so after every practice I feel more creative, more inspired, it's wonderful! We've done 2 covers; Come Out and Play by the Offspring and Hybrid Moments by the Misfits. Both relatively easy covers but fun, nonetheless. We now have 2 original songs. So we're at a good pace right now and with continued practice we may be able to start playing some Open Mic's soon. One can dream, right? Last week, I was telling Vic about Cap'n Jazz and how their lyrics are so abstract but it works so well with the instruments, because it's so similar to the chaos of trying to understand certain things. (I probably could have explained that a lot better but my mind isn't working too well at the moment). Anyhow, we tried to get some random thoughts on paper and make a song out of it. He asked his roommates for some ideas to get us started, which actually worked. The song came out very punk though, hehe. I seriously think we're going to end up being a punk band, something I wouldn't mind at all.

On another note, I'm losing my interest in sex and relationships with men. I've been dating this guy for the past...5 months and we have yet to go out on a date - _- . Maybe that isn't a big deal for some people but it is for me. I posted in the Post Secret forum about my boyfriend forgetting our four month anniversary and two people responded saying that I was being ridiculous and that there is no reason to remember something as insignificant as a 4 month anni. I didn't respond to one of them because YOUR OPINION IS YOUR OPINION, MY OPINION IS MY OPINION. I don't give a fuck if you think 4 month anni's are meaningless, obviously they aren't meaningless to me. So why the fuck are you telling me that I shouldn't care? Are you in my relationship? NO. Do you know anything about my relationship? NO. Do you know anything about my dating past? NO. Alright then, shut up. Seriously, it irked me that people had the audacity to tell me how I should feel. Especially when they don't understand the context of the situation and didn't bother to ask!!! But yeah, seriously, if I think my boyfriend should acknowledge something, then that is as far as it goes. It's my opinion, it is how I feel, and I have a right to feel however the fuck I would like to feel.

Today my boyfriend totally fucked up though. We got into a stupid little "fight" (if one could even call it that) and I walked away. Now, usually when a girl walks away, you go after her unless you don't care. Needless to say, my boyfriend didn't walk after me. In fact, he allowed me to keep walking, at night, by myself, in the ghetto part of town. Isn't that fucking cute? Once I got far enough, I looked back, no one was there and then I got a call from his roommate who asked if I was with him at the moment and I said I wasn't and he said "oh...well if you see him can you tell him that his grandmother needs him, like right now" and I said fine and walked back to go look for him. He wasn't there. I started crying. Then I get a call from his roommate who tells me that he just showed up at the house. I walk to a nearby bus stop and then realize that my boyfriend still had my textbook so I call the house and he picks up with a nasty attitude, I just say "Can you bring me my textbook?". Ten minutes later he shows up and hands it to me, I take it and then we sit there in silence for the next ten minutes until the bus comes. I didn't say bye to him, I was still pretty upset. Now I'm home...and still upset. Letting me just walk away really hurt. My ex-boyfriend did that once and I never let it go. Every time we'd fight, I'd bring up the time that he let me walk away. I'll be the first one to admit that I have abandonment isssues, like some deep seeded issues so it's heartbreaking when someone that "supposedly" cares about/loves me does something like that. I haven't spoken to him since, I don't want to. I don't want anything to do with men. No relationship, no sex, no conversations, nothing. It all leads to the same thing, being left alone which I can't handle.

I should be getting paid this Friday, I'm excited. I need to buy some new shoes and clothes. I have a sweating problem lol. My shoes stink from excess foot perspiration. My clothes smell of sweat by the end of the day. MAYBE IT'S FROM THE RECENT WEIGHT GAIN? I dunno but I have to do something about it because this is something I shouldn't have to worry about. I've become a total slob with my eating habits, which is the last thing I need. Time to clean up my act, I guess. Well, my wrists hurt from typing so I'll stop here.
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And there it is.
09/05/11 at 08:15 PM by corrupt_rocker
SUMMER IS OVER. fucking finally. It ended quite nicely though. Went out to suburbia for the day with my mother and father and had a huge dinner. Yesterday I spent the entire day with John from Son's of Silence, a local band that I've seen play a couple times since 8th grade. He's a ball of fun, kinda strange, but interesting. I could totally see myself having sex with him, which isn't a good thing. He said I was cute but I'm pretty sure I'm not his type and after hearing some of his stories, he's definitely someone I could not handle dating. He has a terribly busy work schedule but he loves his job, and it's cool that he has a really serious/bossy side to him but outside of work he's a hilarious druggie. He bought me breakfast and dinner, and wanted me to go with him to a motel for the night because he saw that they had a jacuzzi. I said no, which I'm quite proud of myself for because usually I cave in but this time I stood my ground. I'm not THAT naive, ya know? I know shit would've gone down and I have my boyfriend and that wouldn't be right to do even though he did kind of cheat on me. Saturday night, I threw a party for my friend Peter, he turned 24. It turned out really well for a last minute thing, I was happy. A lot of dancing, liquor, laughs, and mj. Plus, I had sex on my roof haha. Good times. Friday night, I went out to the movies with Matt and saw "Our Idiot Brother". WHAT A GREAT MOVIE. It has such natural humor that it seems realistic. And hanging out with Matt is always fun, he bought me popcorn and a slushie, and we had a ball. Summer ended so nicely, I'm content and super excited for the first day of school tomorrow! I have English at 10 A.M...crazyness. After that class I plan on heading to the gym and then to my second class for the day and then going to see if I can add another class because right now, I'm a part time student and I need one more class to become full time. I also need to look for a job or work study. Work study would be better because it'd be right on campus, ya know? But beggars can't be choosers and I'm pretty sure I'm a begger.

I'm not even that ready for school though lol. I don't have any supplies, I'll just have to work with what I have and see how far I can get. And I didn't get to do any new school shopping :[ so it's back to the same old clothes. As things progess though, I plan on cutting my hair to a medium length bob, getting my nose pierced, getting my nails done, maybe getting a tattoo, all those girly things. We'll see what happens. For some odd reason I feel single...maybe because I haven't spoken to my boyfriend since Saturday...eh who knows. Well, I'm off to bed, I want to start the first day of school off right :D
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life is beautiful, people are not.
08/19/11 at 06:57 AM by corrupt_rocker
I'm pathetic.
I act as though I don't have a right to feel the way I do. But I have every reason to be hurt. Yesterday was my Mother's birthday so my family went to dinner. As usual, my financial concern with going to school next semester came up and my father said "Don't ever let your circumstances dictate your happiness", but that is, to say the least, impossible. Not only am I unsure about school, but I am unsure about every aspect of life right now. And I know I'm not alone in feeling that way, but it seems like it. I have no one to talk to, no one listens when I talk, they change the subject, they divert their attention, or they don't even bother to ask how I'm doing and I am not the kind of person to just bring to the table all the baggage I've been carrying. I wish I was though.

The other day I was being nosy and went through my boyfriends messages on facebook. I saw that he was flirting with this girl that he used to have sex with. Now, I am not "in love" with my boyfriend, it's only been 2 1/2 months, but I cried because it hurt. For the past year or so, since my last relationship, I've gone in and out of dates/hooking up/faux relationships, and I always end up with the conclusion that I'm not good enough because no one ever wants me to be their girlfriend. So I constantly sit and wonder what I've done wrong and why no one is willing to make the effort. I guess nice girls finish last as well.

As soon as I read the messages I wanted to break up with him but I was seeing him later that day along with other friends, so it didn't seem like the right thing to do. While we were hanging out I told him that I needed to talk to him later...about something bad. That night when I tried to talk to him I broke down and cried and couldn't get any of my words out. We hung up the phone for a bit and I got a call from Travis. I was so suprised that he was concerned but I appreciated it. He got off topic like he always does and started talking about ninja's and whatnot but he also said "you have a lot of unresolved issues...and you don't know how to handle your emotions" and he said that because I crying over something as little as that it showed that I was "innocent and pure at heart". All of which, I find true. Because I have always had the problem of talking things over with the people who hurt me, I've bottled it all in and I don't know how to deal with it and I don't try to fix it.

I need a therapist, to be honest. Paying someone to listen to me get everything off of my chest doesn't seem so bad. It'd probably make me feel a little more at ease with life.

On a semi-brighter note, I think I'm going to get a tattoo for my birthday, it's either going to be "Even shadows have shadows", a reference to a poem/song by Eyedea & Abilities or "Scar Gardens", a reference to a song by Grieves that kills me every time I hear it. Maybe I'll even get my nose pierced, who really gives a fuck though, right?
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totally.useless.
06/05/11 at 07:27 AM by corrupt_rocker
So I've decided to catch up on CD's that I've had for years but never really listened to. Maladroit by Weezer and Apparently Unaffected by Maria Mena. I'm enjoying Maladroit so far :]

So as of lately, I have a boyfriend. It's been just about a year since the last time I've been a relationship and I must say..it feels weird. Maybe because sex is a factor now? Like this is my first "adult" relationship lol. I mean I know teenage relationships usually include sex, but none of mine did! And the guy I'm with is 22, so it feels "adult".

However, I don't feel like I'm really in a relationship. Maybe because I had sex with him before we even made it official or maybe because he doesn't act like a boyfriend. He calls a lot, which I enjoy but he always has to go within 10 minutes and call me back hours later. But when I call him he doesn't pick up or he can't pick up because his phone is dead. It's so fucking annoying and it reminds me of my last boyfriend who would never pick up his phone. Aside from for that, it just seems like he doesn't care much or want me around. I mean, I was hanging out with him and 2 other friends almost every day and since we started dating it's gotten less and less. I guess that happens but I feel like I'm more alone than I was when I was single.

This led to me turning off my phone last night. I texted and called my boyfriend and he answered neither and I waited hours for a reply. Didn't get one, and didn't get anything from any one else so now my phone is off. I'll be a loner again, no worries. I sound so pathetic but I don't mean to sound that way, I just over think things and act out. It's just that, I've had guys that I was just talking to, not even dating, want me around more than my boyfriend does. As far as I know, that's not right. Not that I want someone who's going to be up my ass all the time but I want someone who wants me around as much as possible, ya know? Is that so much to ask?

Anywho, I've been off from work all week. I got a cold and my boss didn't want me around him. I don't blame him but I only work like 5 hours! So hopefully I can add it to my hours this upcoming week. I'm not even un-sick yet >.< My throat is still sore and I still have a lot of mucus :[ I'm definitely going to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to get over this stupid cold.

But that's all for now. (I just spent the last 15 minutes drooling over Shirley Manson pictures and videos. God, she's so gorgeous. )
Later, Shari <3
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