's Blog |
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| corrupt_rocker's Journal
| | oh yes. |
Started deleting a ton of locked messages and phone calls from old love interests, band mates, people who used to be relevant to my life.
Deleted skype.
Throwing out a whole lot of papers, cards, pictures.
I'm ready to be liberated! Freed from the baggage of an unimportant past.
And yet, I'm still looking for someone to enjoy the future with. I guess I have to wait and see who that'll be. | |
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| | We'll see. |
WOOP WOOP. Good morning. It's the day after Christmas and I'm feeling pretty good. Last night was lame though.
I was eating in my basement with Matt and then my dad forced me to come up stairs at like 9:10. The fuck? So I ended up spending the rest of my night, alone, in my room. Thankfully, I had Chris to text back and forth with and we planned to hang out today. AND Rudolph called me! It wasn't the best conversation but it wasn't bad either. I was just surprised that he called. It made me happy. And after we got off of the phone, he texted me like 20 minutes later saying "come over we nap". I wanted to send back a "<3" but I figured that would be awkward haha. I hope I get to hang out with him more over this break. Along with all the people I exchanged numbers and facebooks with at my partay.
I'm glad Christmas is over though, all that hype for no reason! Yes, I am a hater lol. I think I'm going to get a manicure and pedicure today...I don't REALLY deserve it, but I want it. So i'm going to treat myself :)
Also, the bouncing souls are playing tomorrow night in Asbury Park! I really really want to go but I'm hesitant about asking my dad to take me. He's such a pain in the butt sometimes. I looked at how long it would be by public transpo from where I am, and it'd be a 3 hour trip compared to a 1 hour trip by car. >.< I'll just ask for the sake of it.
I have a feeling this week will be a good one. I'm going to try and keep my mind set as optimistic as possible :D
Well, i'm off to start my day. | |
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| | Can I? |
Can I make a wish?
Would that be weird? Especially if I don't have a reason such as birthday candles or a shooting star?
Either way, I'm going to.
I wish that... I could effectively change my perspective to optimism. Regardless of the circumstances, I wish that I could always look on the brighter side of things. I wish that I could stop second guessing everything I say or do, it makes everything complicated when it doesn't have to be. I wish being alone didn't bother me so much! Sometimes it's good to be alone. I wish I could do something great. Like write a hit song or write an award winning book. I wish I could go back to drum lessons. I wish I had the balls to start my own ska band. I wish I could be better at writing lyrics. I wish my hair would grow faster! I wish that I could find someone that genuinely enjoys me for me. I wish I was virgin. I wish I could stop worrying about what other people think about me. I wish someone would return Matt's ipod. I wish my boyfriend would agree that we should just be friends since that's what we act like anyway. I wish that I had a never ending supply of money, so I could go to shows whenever I pleased and orders clothes and cd's whenever I wanted to. I wish I had more people to consider real friends. I wish that anyone who ever ends up seeing this, has an awesome day.
One wish turned into many, haha. But it's a good thing. Maybe one will come true. Merry Christmas! | |
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| | Christmas party? |
I'm trying to throw a Christmas party for the first time. I mean, there will definitely be alcohol but I don't want that to be the main part of the party.
What kind of games should be played?
Maybe like charades? or 21 questions? or hmm, I really have no idea.
On another note, I'm baking. Actually I'm buying Spanish Christmas cards for all the people that are attending, attaching candy canes to the envelope along with 6 cookies wrapped up in little baggies. I figured it would be cute, especially for the people who don't really do much for Christmas. I wanted to do Secret Santa, but everyone is broke so it couldn't work out.
As far as food goes...well, we always order pizza for my parties. But again, it's Christmas, I kinda want to jazz it up a bit. We'll probably end up with pizza anyway lol. It's whatever though, as long as everyone has a good time. That's the important part.
I don't even know what kind of cookies I should bake. There are too many options, and I'm too indecisive! I saw these really cute ginger bread man cookie molds at Rite Aid yesterday though. Maybe I'll pick that up today.
I haven't even finished my Christmas shopping... I keep forgetting. I just need to pick up something for my mom and dad. My brother just wants money (so lame). I was going to get my Dad a new shower head for his other house but my mom doesn't think that would be a good idea. So..I guess I'll just have to find something else. She wants a sweater or shoes, but it's a matter of what will fit or not, which I won't be able to know because she isn't coming with me when I go shopping. I suppose I'll just have to go with my gut feeling. Hopefully it works out.
Well, I'm not very excited about Christmas this year because I don't think it'll compare to last year when I met Chris, even though he ruined my existence lol. I had a great time with him. My boyfriend now...I don't know. It's been a strange relationship, and I don't know if I want to go into the new year still dating him. Maybe he'll suprise me this Christmas? We'll see.
Well, it's time to go find recipes and do laundry. Hooray. | |
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| | bullshit. |
Skinnerbox is amazing.
Ska always puts me in a good mood.
I'm hungry.
And I just saw the most gorgeous man walk into the computer lab.
:) | |
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| | excuses. |
Another day in the lame life of Shari. Jeez, sometimes I just detest the thought of waking up to another day of lonliness and bullshit. I must sound like the most miserable, ungrateful person. Well, as much as I don't mean to sound that way, I don't doubt it.
Last night I was trying to do a Shakespeare paper that was given to me about two weeks ago. Of course, I waited until the last minute to start it. (Stupid on my part, I know). And ever after I started it, I was bullshitting my time, looking up random things, masturbating, taking a shower, talking to myself in the mirror. Ugh, when I finally decided to seriously sit down and get my work done, it was 11 o' clock and I was beginning to get sleepy. Then my laptop had to be awesome and stop working. Like everything just froze. Regardless of how many times I shut it off and turned it back on, it would freeze in a matter of minutes. I'm sure it's a virus. What sucks is that, the laptop isn't even mine, it's my fathers. He's a professor and the school he works for gave it to him. So, I feel like a selfish piece of shit. I'm pretty sure I know where the virus came from anyway...my Shakespeare paper was about any film adaptation of a Shakespeare play. I went to some shady websites to find a free version of Hamlet by Kenneth Branagh. Such a dumb move...
So once the laptop started being a dick, I shut it off and decided that I'd just to go to the library at school, early as shit, and get it done. Of course my bus is a half hour late, of course! How could it not be! So I get to my school at 9:30, my Shakespeare class is at 10:00. Completely useless. I explained to my Professor what happened, he didn't look happy, I didn't care. I have until tomorrow. Now I'm at the library, working on it. I was supposed to be tutoring some girl at this time though, she hasn't shown up/called/texted me, so I'm assuming she either forgot or just didn't want to show up. Whatever, that's her business.
Back to my paper though! I still haven't seen the Hamlet movie! I won't dare look for a free version on this computer, it'll just end up with a virus as well. And I left the paper with the assignment at home, like a genius. The problem is..my desktop nor the laptop work at home. And I live across town ( I take public transpo), the library closes at 4. Nothing is working in my favor. I really just want to give up. I won't though, I can get this paper down...some how.
And my stomach hurts :[ . I cried this morning. I just got fed up with shit. And I bitched at my mom for no reason when she was tyring to help me. I don't know why I did that. A part of me feels like it's insincere help. Like she's only playing her part as my mom. If that makes sense? I mean, when I try and ask her for advice, she never has anything to say. I don't know if it's because she's as indecisive as I am or if she just doesn't want to help me. I have no clue. But the things she does want to help me with, seem unimportant and so I get angry. I need to stop that though.
I need to take these shoes off too. They fucking choke my feet. I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't really talk to anyone about the way I feel about everything. It never seems like anyone wants to listen. I don't blame them. I haven't seen John since when we fucked around. I don't miss him. I've tried texting him a couple times since then, to no avail so I've lost interest. I saw Murphy a couple days ago...last Friday to be exact. He bought me liquor, I got drunk, talked for a bit and then passed out on a nearby mattress for an hour or two and then went home.
I no longer have an interest in intoxication. It's not fun. Or maybe, I'm just doing it with the wrong people. I still think I'm in the wrong place but that shit isn't going to change for another couple years, I assume. Until then, I'll just have to deal with being a loner. Maybe I'll rediscover my love for drugs and alcohol but I doubt it.
I would love to just pay off the rest of my school tuition, have some money in my pocket, go to shows, hang out, volunteer my time somewhere, meet some new people, enjoy myself. I don't know when any of that will take place. I should be more hopeful than I am but that's hard to do. | |
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| | me levanto. |
It's snowing and I'm hungry.
I'd make muffins or biscuits but that would require butter, of which I have none. I would have to run to the store...in the snow and freezing cold.. I'd really rather not. I think it's because I've been sitting in a warm bed for the past four hours so getting up doesn't seem too great at the moment.
However,
These biscuits look fucking delicious. Fairly easy recipe with not much baking time. Man, they look good 
Alright, my stomach is getting the best of me. I give in.
| | Tags: food |
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| | ticking |
Cheers to failure!
Aside from some recent weight gain, things have been going pretty well. I am finally over Chris, after ten agonizing months. I have been sober except for one drink during the past two months. I've gotten my first paycheck from my two jobs at school and greatly enjoyed spending money again. Overall, school has been great! Except for my English Comp class, that is. My teacher for that course is a ridiculous person in general and in style of writing often times, doesn't even make complete sense. But whatever, it's cool, I just hope I don't end up failing.
As I was saying, things have generally been good. But there have been a couple of significant snags along the way. First, the band I had with John is now nonexistant, which is really upsetting because I enjoyed playing music with him and I enjoyed hanging around him, he's good company. But he's always working and the only time he actually hits me up is when he needs a place to crash or wants some kind of sexual favor which is NOT COOL in my book. I understand, you're a guy, you need sexual attention too but he knows I'm dating someone, he even went to high school with the guy! The reason I think he continously asks me for favors though is because one time I let him kiss me. I have no good reason as to why I let him. I remember being mad at my boyfriend that day but that isn't a good enough reason so I won't even try to make that the excuse. I'm also terribly attracted to John, I always have been since I saw him playing in a local band when I was younger. I haven't seen him since that day we kissed though, probably for the better. He texted me this morning but I didn't reply, I'm sure he'll just say something stupid again.
Next month is my birthday!I was so excited to have a party until I realized I don't have friends. I mean, I know people but once I started telling everyone that I was planning to have a party, they started telling me that they'd be working or they couldn't make it. Or blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. So I was like, NEVERMIND. SILLY ME, WHAT MADE ME THINK I HAD FRIENDS?? So then I decided that I'd just go get my nose pierced for my birthday but the more I think about it, the less I want a hole in my nose :\ . Next idea was getting a tattoo but the more I think about it...the less I want something permanent on my skin. Such a lose-lose situation. I've finally come to conclusion that I would like a small gathering in my basement, with a few "friends", some drugs, and some alcohol. I'd also like a balloon in the shape of a monkey and a bicycle. Reasonable? I think so. OH AND A CAKE. I REALLY WANT A NICE CAKE <3
I've been in a band with this guy named Victor for the past month or so and it's great! We found a bassist and a singer but they are both unreliable people so usually at practice, it's just me and Vic but we still rock out like it's no one else's business. He's really open to playing different kinds of music so I feel at ease when I'm playing drums and so after every practice I feel more creative, more inspired, it's wonderful! We've done 2 covers; Come Out and Play by the Offspring and Hybrid Moments by the Misfits. Both relatively easy covers but fun, nonetheless. We now have 2 original songs. So we're at a good pace right now and with continued practice we may be able to start playing some Open Mic's soon. One can dream, right? Last week, I was telling Vic about Cap'n Jazz and how their lyrics are so abstract but it works so well with the instruments, because it's so similar to the chaos of trying to understand certain things. (I probably could have explained that a lot better but my mind isn't working too well at the moment). Anyhow, we tried to get some random thoughts on paper and make a song out of it. He asked his roommates for some ideas to get us started, which actually worked. The song came out very punk though, hehe. I seriously think we're going to end up being a punk band, something I wouldn't mind at all.
On another note, I'm losing my interest in sex and relationships with men. I've been dating this guy for the past...5 months and we have yet to go out on a date - _- . Maybe that isn't a big deal for some people but it is for me. I posted in the Post Secret forum about my boyfriend forgetting our four month anniversary and two people responded saying that I was being ridiculous and that there is no reason to remember something as insignificant as a 4 month anni. I didn't respond to one of them because YOUR OPINION IS YOUR OPINION, MY OPINION IS MY OPINION. I don't give a fuck if you think 4 month anni's are meaningless, obviously they aren't meaningless to me. So why the fuck are you telling me that I shouldn't care? Are you in my relationship? NO. Do you know anything about my relationship? NO. Do you know anything about my dating past? NO. Alright then, shut up. Seriously, it irked me that people had the audacity to tell me how I should feel. Especially when they don't understand the context of the situation and didn't bother to ask!!! But yeah, seriously, if I think my boyfriend should acknowledge something, then that is as far as it goes. It's my opinion, it is how I feel, and I have a right to feel however the fuck I would like to feel.
Today my boyfriend totally fucked up though. We got into a stupid little "fight" (if one could even call it that) and I walked away. Now, usually when a girl walks away, you go after her unless you don't care. Needless to say, my boyfriend didn't walk after me. In fact, he allowed me to keep walking, at night, by myself, in the ghetto part of town. Isn't that fucking cute? Once I got far enough, I looked back, no one was there and then I got a call from his roommate who asked if I was with him at the moment and I said I wasn't and he said "oh...well if you see him can you tell him that his grandmother needs him, like right now" and I said fine and walked back to go look for him. He wasn't there. I started crying. Then I get a call from his roommate who tells me that he just showed up at the house. I walk to a nearby bus stop and then realize that my boyfriend still had my textbook so I call the house and he picks up with a nasty attitude, I just say "Can you bring me my textbook?". Ten minutes later he shows up and hands it to me, I take it and then we sit there in silence for the next ten minutes until the bus comes. I didn't say bye to him, I was still pretty upset. Now I'm home...and still upset. Letting me just walk away really hurt. My ex-boyfriend did that once and I never let it go. Every time we'd fight, I'd bring up the time that he let me walk away. I'll be the first one to admit that I have abandonment isssues, like some deep seeded issues so it's heartbreaking when someone that "supposedly" cares about/loves me does something like that. I haven't spoken to him since, I don't want to. I don't want anything to do with men. No relationship, no sex, no conversations, nothing. It all leads to the same thing, being left alone which I can't handle.
I should be getting paid this Friday, I'm excited. I need to buy some new shoes and clothes. I have a sweating problem lol. My shoes stink from excess foot perspiration. My clothes smell of sweat by the end of the day. MAYBE IT'S FROM THE RECENT WEIGHT GAIN? I dunno but I have to do something about it because this is something I shouldn't have to worry about. I've become a total slob with my eating habits, which is the last thing I need. Time to clean up my act, I guess. Well, my wrists hurt from typing so I'll stop here. | |
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| | And there it is. |
SUMMER IS OVER. fucking finally. It ended quite nicely though. Went out to suburbia for the day with my mother and father and had a huge dinner. Yesterday I spent the entire day with John from Son's of Silence, a local band that I've seen play a couple times since 8th grade. He's a ball of fun, kinda strange, but interesting. I could totally see myself having sex with him, which isn't a good thing. He said I was cute but I'm pretty sure I'm not his type and after hearing some of his stories, he's definitely someone I could not handle dating. He has a terribly busy work schedule but he loves his job, and it's cool that he has a really serious/bossy side to him but outside of work he's a hilarious druggie. He bought me breakfast and dinner, and wanted me to go with him to a motel for the night because he saw that they had a jacuzzi. I said no, which I'm quite proud of myself for because usually I cave in but this time I stood my ground. I'm not THAT naive, ya know? I know shit would've gone down and I have my boyfriend and that wouldn't be right to do even though he did kind of cheat on me. Saturday night, I threw a party for my friend Peter, he turned 24. It turned out really well for a last minute thing, I was happy. A lot of dancing, liquor, laughs, and mj. Plus, I had sex on my roof haha. Good times. Friday night, I went out to the movies with Matt and saw "Our Idiot Brother". WHAT A GREAT MOVIE. It has such natural humor that it seems realistic. And hanging out with Matt is always fun, he bought me popcorn and a slushie, and we had a ball. Summer ended so nicely, I'm content and super excited for the first day of school tomorrow! I have English at 10 A.M...crazyness. After that class I plan on heading to the gym and then to my second class for the day and then going to see if I can add another class because right now, I'm a part time student and I need one more class to become full time. I also need to look for a job or work study. Work study would be better because it'd be right on campus, ya know? But beggars can't be choosers and I'm pretty sure I'm a begger.
I'm not even that ready for school though lol. I don't have any supplies, I'll just have to work with what I have and see how far I can get. And I didn't get to do any new school shopping :[ so it's back to the same old clothes. As things progess though, I plan on cutting my hair to a medium length bob, getting my nose pierced, getting my nails done, maybe getting a tattoo, all those girly things. We'll see what happens. For some odd reason I feel single...maybe because I haven't spoken to my boyfriend since Saturday...eh who knows. Well, I'm off to bed, I want to start the first day of school off right :D | |
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| | life is beautiful, people are not. |
I'm pathetic.
I act as though I don't have a right to feel the way I do. But I have every reason to be hurt. Yesterday was my Mother's birthday so my family went to dinner. As usual, my financial concern with going to school next semester came up and my father said "Don't ever let your circumstances dictate your happiness", but that is, to say the least, impossible. Not only am I unsure about school, but I am unsure about every aspect of life right now. And I know I'm not alone in feeling that way, but it seems like it. I have no one to talk to, no one listens when I talk, they change the subject, they divert their attention, or they don't even bother to ask how I'm doing and I am not the kind of person to just bring to the table all the baggage I've been carrying. I wish I was though.
The other day I was being nosy and went through my boyfriends messages on facebook. I saw that he was flirting with this girl that he used to have sex with. Now, I am not "in love" with my boyfriend, it's only been 2 1/2 months, but I cried because it hurt. For the past year or so, since my last relationship, I've gone in and out of dates/hooking up/faux relationships, and I always end up with the conclusion that I'm not good enough because no one ever wants me to be their girlfriend. So I constantly sit and wonder what I've done wrong and why no one is willing to make the effort. I guess nice girls finish last as well.
As soon as I read the messages I wanted to break up with him but I was seeing him later that day along with other friends, so it didn't seem like the right thing to do. While we were hanging out I told him that I needed to talk to him later...about something bad. That night when I tried to talk to him I broke down and cried and couldn't get any of my words out. We hung up the phone for a bit and I got a call from Travis. I was so suprised that he was concerned but I appreciated it. He got off topic like he always does and started talking about ninja's and whatnot but he also said "you have a lot of unresolved issues...and you don't know how to handle your emotions" and he said that because I crying over something as little as that it showed that I was "innocent and pure at heart". All of which, I find true. Because I have always had the problem of talking things over with the people who hurt me, I've bottled it all in and I don't know how to deal with it and I don't try to fix it.
I need a therapist, to be honest. Paying someone to listen to me get everything off of my chest doesn't seem so bad. It'd probably make me feel a little more at ease with life.
On a semi-brighter note, I think I'm going to get a tattoo for my birthday, it's either going to be "Even shadows have shadows", a reference to a poem/song by Eyedea & Abilities or "Scar Gardens", a reference to a song by Grieves that kills me every time I hear it. Maybe I'll even get my nose pierced, who really gives a fuck though, right? | |
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| | totally.useless. |
So I've decided to catch up on CD's that I've had for years but never really listened to. Maladroit by Weezer and Apparently Unaffected by Maria Mena. I'm enjoying Maladroit so far :]
So as of lately, I have a boyfriend. It's been just about a year since the last time I've been a relationship and I must say..it feels weird. Maybe because sex is a factor now? Like this is my first "adult" relationship lol. I mean I know teenage relationships usually include sex, but none of mine did! And the guy I'm with is 22, so it feels "adult".
However, I don't feel like I'm really in a relationship. Maybe because I had sex with him before we even made it official or maybe because he doesn't act like a boyfriend. He calls a lot, which I enjoy but he always has to go within 10 minutes and call me back hours later. But when I call him he doesn't pick up or he can't pick up because his phone is dead. It's so fucking annoying and it reminds me of my last boyfriend who would never pick up his phone. Aside from for that, it just seems like he doesn't care much or want me around. I mean, I was hanging out with him and 2 other friends almost every day and since we started dating it's gotten less and less. I guess that happens but I feel like I'm more alone than I was when I was single.
This led to me turning off my phone last night. I texted and called my boyfriend and he answered neither and I waited hours for a reply. Didn't get one, and didn't get anything from any one else so now my phone is off. I'll be a loner again, no worries. I sound so pathetic but I don't mean to sound that way, I just over think things and act out. It's just that, I've had guys that I was just talking to, not even dating, want me around more than my boyfriend does. As far as I know, that's not right. Not that I want someone who's going to be up my ass all the time but I want someone who wants me around as much as possible, ya know? Is that so much to ask?
Anywho, I've been off from work all week. I got a cold and my boss didn't want me around him. I don't blame him but I only work like 5 hours! So hopefully I can add it to my hours this upcoming week. I'm not even un-sick yet >.< My throat is still sore and I still have a lot of mucus :[ I'm definitely going to work tomorrow but I don't know how I'm going to get over this stupid cold.
But that's all for now. (I just spent the last 15 minutes drooling over Shirley Manson pictures and videos. God, she's so gorgeous. )
Later, Shari <3 | |
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| | nonsense, it is. |
I'll admit, I am a bit high right now. Or just a bit buzzed.
Today was one of those days that just shouldn't have happened, like you could have been perfectly without it. I didn't have to work today, which made me ecstatic especially after yesterday but everything else today was lame, I probably would have enjoyed work more. As much as I cherish the time I spend with friends, I don't know how they do the same thing every day. Just sit around, play video games, smoke, watch tv and wait for me to buy them food. I don't know if I've said this in a previous blog and I'm not concerned enough to go and check but I don't mind buying things for any of my friends because they've all been nothing but nice to me however, I do mind being used for my money and people telling me how to spend my money. If I work for what I make then it is my decision, and only my decision, on how to I choose to spend it. Being the pushover that I am, I tend to let people influence my decision making but I hate it. I absolutely hate it.
Travis in particular, always tells me to give him money, complains about how I spend my money, and sometimes will only invite me somewhere because I have money. Like seriously, that's fucked up. I know, I'm stupid for sticking around but a part of me thinks that there is a real friendship between him and I, who knows though. Then there's Murphy, we kinda flirt sometimes. It's weird. I want him but at the same time, I don't. He just seems like he'd know how to satisfy me and I mean that in a completely physical way. Recently, my goal has been to find a boyfriend so for me to just want someone for the sake of wanting them seems contradictory. I have no idea what to do though, no opportunities have really come up. I have a feeling something will happen in July but that's if I even make it to the show, I doubt Chris even cares. Yeah, I'm still on him, lame I know but it is what it is.
Got my grades back from school (even though I'm only a part time student). Two A-'s and one B+. Not too shabby, I suppose. If I somehow magically end up at school next semester, I'll make sure my grades are all A's :).
The world is supposed to end in a few hours...are you excited? Or do you doubt that it's going to happen? I'm on the side of the doubters. From my minuscule amount of Bible knowledge, I'm pretty sure that humans cannot predict the end of the world and that's that. Not much more to be said on my part. lol I sound 'ignant'.
That's the other thing. I went to see Face to Face at Best Buy Theater this past Wednesday. Epic show. The opening band; The Darlings made me fall in love. Not only are all the band members undoubtedly sexy but they also have a style similar to Social Distortion, whom I adore. They had about a half hour/forty-five minute set and each song sounded great; lotta energy, good rhythm, and a smooth balance between the music and the singing. Did I mention that they were great eye candy too? They're from Cali and it was there first time to the East Coast, so they were excited. The second opening band was Cerebral Ballzy, a punk band from I don't even know where. The lead singer was ridiculous; it was obvious that he was on some type of hard drug and he just seemed like a dumbass. If you're into the stereotypical punk band, you'll definitely dig this band but if you aren't then they just come off as really untalented. But they do have two non-caucasian members, which is always a plus in my book. The third band was Strung Out, great performers but SO LOUD FOR NO REASON. They were the reason I woke up with my ears ringing. I thought they were a hardcore band, but they didn't seem to be. Just fast and furious, a bit sloppy but the energy of all the members made up for it. They were all up near the crowd, it was cute. Then Face to Face came on; they are incredible live but I did not like the lead singer, Trever Keith. He seemed really cocky which I understand because they've been together for about 20 years and they know that they're a great band but still, no need to be so full of yourself. It made his seemingly personal lyrics look like lyrics he wrote because the last words rhymed, not because he meant it.
Joe texted me back after a week saying "how are you?", I responded but of course he didn't answer. He's lucky he's gorgeous or else I'd hate him, hah just kidding. I really wish he would just answer though, make my life easier even though I never have much to say.
Alright, I'm dozing in and out of sleep. I think it's time I start heading to bed. Hope you have a nice night.
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| | A posteriori. |
Thank you God. Thank you SO SO much.
I could not be fucking happier.
After everything that's gone down since Chris left, I was miserable. On my last leg (pun on spraining my ankle ;]) of patience with everyone and everything. I had accepted the fact that was and always would be a loner and given up trying to find a job, a friend, and a lover. Since then, things have gotten so much better and I'm ever so thankful to Karma, Fate, and God. I now have my first job, it's been about a month! So I have money in my pockets and damn does it feel good. I've gone to my first show alone as an 18 year old (Subhumans w/ MDC, Cojoba, and Death First) and I met one the most interesting people ever there. He invited me to the Anarchist Bookfair in NY and aside from me being able to see him in proper lighting and notice how gorgeous he was, I picked up some pamphlets and decided to become a vegetarian. I'm only two weeks in and I expect it will become harder as time goes on but I've had a good start. I've also given up smoking pot for the time being, just to help out my body. I know there are a ton vegetarians that smoke pot and that's cool, to each his own but my body deserves to be treated right for a while so I'm giving my lungs a break. Same for alcohol, my liver and kidneys need some chill time.
Now that I can walk again, I walk almost everywhere and savor every minute of it. I even went for a jog on Sunday (my body is severly sore...but it was TOTALLY worth it). Btw, I just saw the hottest chick on the bus, she was probably like a size 1. I'll never be a size one but I really hope I can get back into exercising and going to the gym so I can tone up. Ahh, my body is going to love me for the changes. I'm ridiculously happy.
I no longer speak to Chris at all. He ignores me, my texts, my calls, all 9 yards. And so I deleted him off of facebook and it felt good. Naturally, I still miss him and miss talking to him. But today I decided to listen to some of his music (something I haven't done in months) and I realized how fucking lucky I was to have lost my virginity to someone so fucking awesome (as a musician, not as a person). I'm really not even that attractive so to have been able to tap that, multiple times, makes me feel waaay too cool. He's playing in NY and NJ in July, best believe I'm going to at least one of them. I'm not even going to try and talk to him, I'm just going to enjoy his show. I heard he's great live so I'm stoked for that. See, if I work out enough I can be able to "woo" him and hopefully tap that again ;]. Haha, I kid I kid but in all honestly, I'm glad I can finally see him as a musician again instead of someone I used to have feelings for.
ALSO. Tonight I'm going to see Atmosphere in NY!!!!!! Now if I could tap that, my life would be complete. He's pretty fucking sexy, a bit aged, but that just makes him more manly. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome show and best part, I'm not going alone! My friend Geneva is coming along the only thing is that I might have to pay for her transportation. I already paid for half of her ticket and now her transpo. Keep in mind that I also paid for my ticket and I'll be paying for my own transpo...that's 35+18+16 which is give or take going to be 70 dollars. But as long as it works out well and we get there on time and we find a good place to stand, I'll be content.
Other than all this, I've been working on friendships. Last friday, I went to Liz's house because Travis invited me and it was like a little party. I took E for the first time (contradicts my health changes, I know) but it wasn't as intense or extreme as I was expecting. I just became more free and talkative. So I spoke with Jaimie and Sarah and Mike and everyone that was there. I had such a great time and everyone started talking about how shy I was when they first met me and how they thought I didn't talk lol. It was great. I exchanged numbers with Jaimie, she seems so fucking cool. I exchanged numbers with Eric, i've known him for so long but never had a conversation with him. I just hung out with Osama last night, he took me out to eat and I had a blast. We talked about everything and it was nice just to be open and honest and not have to worry about being judged. I hope I can become better friends with Jaimie and Liz and everyone that was there, then I can kinda have a crew. That'd be spectacular.
Again, I didn't think things would get this good and I'm so thankful that they did. If anyone besides myself actually reads this, I hope your life is fucking wonderful also. I mean, I haven't gotten laid since January, I haven't kissed someone since the beginning of the month but I wouldn't have it any other way. Now to just go shopping and change my look. and finish a paper that's like 3 weeks late. Awwww yeaaaah.
wishing you the best in your endeavors,
Sharrri | |
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| | filthy flamingo. |
(Yes, the title is from Slaughterhouse 5.)
It pains me to read my earliest blog entries on here, I sound like an imbecile. Nowadays, I can't stand people who type like that. But reading that makes me feel like a complete hypocrite.
This blog (although I still treat it as a journal) is going to be short and sweet, like everything else in my life.
I give up trying with Chris. It makes no sense. One day he wants me, the next he doesn't. Even though there isn't anyone over here that I'm remotely interested in being with, I'd rather be alone than continue with this bullshit because that's all it really is.
On another note, today was a great day as far as school goes. I enjoyed both my Spanish and Psychology class tremendously and made sure to participate as much as I could. AND I finished The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy (it was taking me longer than it should have, it's a miniscule book). It's given me insight into the mindset of a person awaitng death. It's a very scary, terrible thing but it's inevitable for us all so it's important that we value what we have when we have it. For that reason alone, I don't understand how or why people treat other people in such a terrible manner. We were all born, we're all growing up, we all have been hurt, happy, confused, and we will all die someday. We're essentially more alike than we are different, so why can't we treat those around us the way that we ourselves want to be treated?
Honestly, I'm just tired of getting hurt. How much nicer can I be? When does it end?
I'm sure the answer to that is 'when you find a decent guy', but considering where I reside, that's more of a dream than a tangible possibility.
Travis has my Zune and he's had it for over a week now. I feel myself slowly deteriorating inside as the days go by. Music is what keeps me sane. Even though, this had opened the opportunity for me to read more, which is great. But I want music&books at the same time, not one without the other.
Sigh.
Well, I'm off to bed. Oh, but there's one more thing! I was going through my email accounts and reading through emails from 2007 and 2008 and I stumbled upon part of a song I wrote and there was this line that wasn't too great but it stood out. I figured I'd put it in this blog just for the hell of it, not like anyone besides myself is reading, right?
"So now you're closer to knowing who I truly am, a disappoint who really never gave a damn. And if karma wants to fight I'll put up my fist, but I'll still run just like I ran away from all of this."
Kinda nice for a 15 year old to write? I pat my past self on the back for that one. :)
Well, adios.
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| | Get the Got. |
Where do I even start?
[Don't read this. It's personal, repetitive, girly, and boring. Can't say I didn't warn ya.]
Well today was a sort of good day. I actually got a call back from one of the jobs I applied to, and I scheduled an interview for Wednesday so hopefully I get the job. On the other hand, I was late to my morning class and my teacher is anal about being late, he counts it as being absent. So, I've managed to get my first absence less than a month into the school semester. I'm on a fucking roll. I went to the gym again, worked out for a bit, I hope I keep up with it, it's helped me keep my mind off of things that I don't want to think about.
I keep saying that I want to better myself and stop with the weed and the drinking but once I realize how miserable I am, it all seems like the perfect solution. I planned to get piss drunk on Valentines Day, because I knew I wouldn't have a Valentine. But then Emilio randomly asked me if I wanted to be his, and I said "yes! of course". It's my first real Valentine, I'm excited. Of course, I wish Chris had asked me but I'm pretty much dead to Chris.
When I say that, I make it sound like it doesn't affect me but it's driving me insane. This has been going on for 3 weeks and I still can't get over it. I've been asked out, offered sexual favors, complimented, and nothing and I mean nothing has been able to get my mind off of him. I guess that's what happens when you lose your v-card. I thought sex was just sex, and it didn't necessarily involve any sort of emotional attachment but DAMN, I was wrong. How am I ever going to get over this? I know I need to move on but I don't feel comfortable with anyone else. I don't want to kiss anyone else, I don't want to be around anyone else, it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'll magically wake up with amnesia one day and forget who Chris is and forget everything that ever happened. That's possible, right? :[
I've tried keeping myself busy; doing homework, exercising, smoking, drinking, reading, talking to other people but nothing seems to work. I wonder if therapy would help? I know what I need! To find a completely vacant place, like on a hill or something and just scream at the top of lungs everything that I'm feeling. Just let it allllll out. Catharsis at its finest. And then I should go find myself a new boy, who actually wants to date me and not just fool around, and then go on my merry way. That'd be nice. There was this ridiculously cute guy I saw on campus while I was trying to register for classes...I hope I see him again soon. He definitely seemed like my type.
I love imagining and day dreaming about what my perfect life would be. It seems so tangible sometimes. Who knows, maybe I will get that job and get over Chris, and see that guy on campus again. I guess I have to stay optimistic, right? Heh, we'll see how long this lasts.
Well, I've got some reading for my Intro to Psych class to catch up on. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their night. I'll be back to flood this blog with my misery soon enough ;]
Keep it classy,
corrupt_
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