's Blog |
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| corrupt_rocker's Journal
| | More problems than solutions. |
It's afternoon but it feels pretty fucking early. There's so much going through my mind right now, about school, about finding a job, about my band, about guys and nothing has a simple answer.
A guy I went to high school with added me on Facebook yesterday, we were never friends or anything, hell; we never even talked but we were aware of each others existence. So I'm looking at his page and I see that he's in the navy and then I see that he's dating a girl I went to 5th grade with (who doesn't remember me at all, but we were hella good friends back then). So I'm gazing through his pictures and I notice that the pictures of him and this girl are from a ceremony...and they were cutting cake...and their families were there...they got married. Keep in mind that we just graduated from high school last June and this guy has already gotten married, his wife is already 8 months pregnant, and he's going to the navy. (The things you can learn from Facebook creepin', right?) But back to the point, how fucking crazy is that? I really didn't think people who went to the same high school really took such different roads after graduating but I guess it happens. I wish him the best though, he wasn't exactly the most responsible student in high school, he's probably cleaned his act up I mean, he is in the navy.
Next issue at hand is school. I did pretty well last semester, my GPA is like a 3.68 (which is better than what it was in high school) the only thing is I haven't even been able to pay off last semesters tuition. I'm fucking freaking out, cause there's no logical way that I'd be able to pay that off in time for next semester which begins the 18th. I guess the only thing I can do is to take out more loans...but I'm not even sure how that works. I've already taken out 2 HUGE loans and to take out MORE seems ridiculous, does it not? I was talking to Chris yesterday about it, and he basically told me, that if you can't pay it out of your pocket, that's really the only choice you have. He's right...and it sucks. My mother has continuously told me "not to worry about it" or that she'd "take care of it" but uhm...there's less than 2 weeks before the semester starts and nothing has been taken care of so I've decided to take the initiative and TAKE OUT ANOTHER FUCKING LOAN.Hooray! (not really)
Next issue, Chris. I kissed Travis last night (without out any real reason aside from loneliness). Okay, it was Travis's birthday yesterday and he's done nothing to celebrate it for the last 4 years or so and I hate when people don't enjoy their birthdays so I want to throw him a small party. At first he agreed, so I told him to call everyone and invite them then out of no where he decides he doesn't want to anymore and doesn't call anyone. So I was just like "whatever, I'll just bake you a cake and you can smoke and that'll be it". Travis lives in NY so he has to travel all the way over here so I made plans for the day and figured I'd just see him in the night. So I bake the cake and head out to see another one of my friends and we're chillin' and I get a phone call from Karla asking me where I am and what we're doing for Travis' birthday. I explain to her that I was going to throw him a party but he didn't want to, so I dropped the idea but she spends like 10 minutes going on and on about it and I'm like
"alright, when I get back home, I'll call you and we'll invite people and we'll see what happens". Long story short, we end up having a nice little party, lots of weed and cake (turned out delicious btw) and music. It was fun but really divided, but I didn't care I still had a nice time. But I miss Chris so fucking much, and Travis was there and...I was desperate for some lovin' ( I promise never to say that again) and so I texted him (classy as hell) and was like "can we make out?" and of course he said yes, so we sneaked around my basement a bit and proceeded with said actions. But it just made me realize that the only person I want to kiss is Chris. Don't get me wrong, Travis is a great kisser, but as soon as we started, in my head I was like "You're not Chris :[ and this doesn't feel right and I miss him" and then Chris's music started playing on my Zune. (coincidence? or irony?). Either way, it seems like Chris is losing interest in me, I can't say that I blame him but there goes another opportunity.
Finding a job isn't easy. Finding love isn't easy. Going back to school this semester, isn't going to be easy. Optimism has never seemed like such a far fetched concept.
Speaking of optimism, I'm reading Candide by Voltaire. Where each of the main characters go through Hell, the female character were once princesses who lost all they had, and were forced to watch their loved ones be killed on top of being raped numerous times. Candide gets kicked out of everywhere, gets flogged, beaten, gets treated terribly by almost everyone he comes in contact with and yet still holds onto the philosophy that this world is the best of all worlds. Every effect has a justified cause, good or bad. I don't understand how he continued to believe such a thing especially after all that had happened to him but maybe it'll serve as inspiration for me. | |
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| | Here's your chode. |
I think I fucked up.
It hasn't hit me yet, but I'm pretty sure I did.
Things went further than I was expecting with Chris. I don't regret it, but I wish...it didn't happen on our first date. I'm suprised as hell he even wanted a second date. Does that mean he actually likes me? Fuck. I don't even know where to start. I mean, once you have sex with a person, what do they mean to you especially if you aren't dating?
I miss him, not for any physical reason, I miss his presence. He's the first guy I've ever slept in bed with and the first guy I've ever spent an entire 24 hours with. I don't want to get attached, I had no intention of getting attached but apparently I'm losing that battle as well.
I feel stupid. I've rejected guys I've known better and longer, but then I go on my first legit and then BAM, it happens. after 18 years. over a month after my birthday. My first real kiss since October. the last person i'll probably kiss for 2010. -_-
What do I do?
I mean, I like him but he doesn't even live in this state, he's only here for a few weeks and after that, he'll be gone. I know I can't take back what's already happened but I just don't know where to go from here. He doesn't baby me like most guys, which makes it all the more confusing cause I don't have the slightest clue how he feels about me, you know? "Just ask him" is what my best friend said to do, but I feel as though that isn't something I should have to ask about.
The last...2 times I've asked a guy about what we "were", I've gotten answers that I didn't want. Even though I've become a bit numb to rejection and disappointment doesn't mean I look to get hurt. Also, I know that if I do ask and get the answer I don't want, that'll be the end of whatever it was we had cause he'll feel bad/awkward and so will I. I can't do this.
Maybe I'll ask him before he heads back home.
ugh. Fuck this. | |
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| | As much as I hate myself, I hate you more. |
Look's like the last time I wrote a blog was around the same time but a year ago lol . Ah, it feels as if it's been a decade, but uh yeah. So how's everyone doing? Doubt i'll get any replies, but anywho.
I've been in a relationship for the past 10 and a half months, we've had so many great times, but recently, it's been quite a few really bad times. Now, I know, teenagers don't know "real" love and what not, but I fell for this guy, soo badly, and I don't regret it.....yet. That's the thing, I'm not one for relationships, I prefer a casual hook up here and there, but when I got into this relationship, all that seemed ridiculous. This guy has become my best friend, knows me inside out, he knows how to deal with me (which many people do not), he knows what to do and what to say. BUT ever since last friday, things went down, down, down. First, we got into a conversation about the future, and you know what he told me? That he was going to marry a puerto rican chick. I've got nothing against puerto rican girls, they're beautiful! BUT I'M NOT PUERTO RICAN, WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!! Like seriously, what the hell? How am I supposed to react to that? Am I supposed to say "yeah! you do that! thats a great idea! cause theres no way in hell you'll ever marry me right!" And like i said before, I'm not one for relationships, mainly because of commitment, and trust, and self-esteem issues, but what he said, broke my heart. I sat there for like a good 10 minutes, just trying to figure out WHY i was so broken hearted, I mean, I'm usually a very realistic person, so I don't believe in forever, but he changed that for me. He made me believe that forever was tangible, and to hear him say, "i'm gonna marry a puerto rican chick" was like a slap in the face. And it made me think, why did I ever even begin to believe something could last forever, why did I even fall for him, if he knows he's not going to marry me. It just hurt so bad, I've never hurt like that because of a guy I was dating, nothing ever bothered me that much. THEN, on sunday, he gave away the skateboard I bought him for his birthday. I don't have a job, I don't earn money, that was my birthday money and money I saved by eating as cheaply as possible. I went to go get that board BY MYSELF, AT NIGHT, IN ANOTHER CITY, and he's gonna turn around and give it away like that? What the hell!!? Slap number two, which also hurt a lot, but I didnt say anything. And yesterday, yesterday we were on the topic of true love, and he said " i don't believe in it, i don't believe there's just one right person out there for you, you can find other people with the same traits or you can find people with different traits that you love." Now, in whatever way he meant that, I'm not sure, but the way I took it was this, "There will be other people, maybe just like you or different, and I'll love them too, you aren't the only one." Just another slap in the face....
Well now my face is all slapped up, hope he's happy, cause I sure am. I'm happy that I know now to not be a stupid girl and that forever doesn't last, and true love doesn't exist, and don't fall for anyone who isn't gonna catch you cause he's busy waiting to marry some other chick. | |
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| | I must say, you're a funny guy. |
This week, has been a strange one. I have a skateboard teacher, this local skater kid Josh. And he's an awesome dude, he really is and i'll admit I liked him the first time I met him. But now I know that in itself was a HUGE mistake. See, we hung out like 5 or 6 times in the past two weeks. That doesnt sound like a lot, but during each of those 5 or 6 time we spent HOURS together. I don't think I've ever spent so much time with one person without sleeping over at their house or something. But anywho, the fourth time we hung out and skated, the weather was crappy so we ended up sitting on his best friend/guitarist Carlos' front steps as Josh sang in front of me. (Josh and the Carlos are bandmates, and they actually weren't half bad) When his friend went to get his guitar some how Josh and I got on the topic of love and he started telling me about his ex-girlfriend and how he loved her, and he asked me who I liked and I didn't answer because I liked him but I didn't know if it was such a smart idea to tell him. But then Carlos came back with the guitar and we ended our conversation. After about 30 min of listening to them play, the weather cleared up and Josh said "Let's go for a walk" and I said "sure" thinking he was reffering to both Carlos and myself but apparently it was only to me lol. So, we started walking, and he brought the topic AGAIN. He told me He was suprised that I was single, and that he liked me a lot but he was afraid to ask me out because he thought I'd do the same thing as all his ex-girlfriends (whatever thats supposed to mean). And I told him I liked him a lot too, and we talked about when we started liking each other and everything. And basically by the time we stopped walking and went back to his house, we were "together" and he told me "Don't break my heart, from now on your my everything and I'm your skate teacher and your boyfriend" and all these other nice things. I felt kinda special but not for long. Two days later he breaks up with OVER THE INTERNET saying "Ur awesome just not ready 4 a relationship". As if he couldnt CALL ME to tell me that or do it IN PERSON. It doesn't end there though, so yesterday, I'm hanging with Oz and Tony and we walk down Josh's block. Lo and behold, Josh himself is there! lol And HE won't talk or look at ME. And im like "Shouldn't I not be talking or even looking at him? I mean, he was the one that broke up with me, shouldn't I be pissed off?" to Oz and he's like "Yeah, you really should, but he's a weird dude" . So time goes on, I end up sitting on Carlos' steps with Tony while Oz is skateboarding, Josh is across the street and Carlos is in his garage. Then, I see Josh flirting with this chick and in my head im like "You have got to be kidding me. He is NOT flirting with some chick RIGHT in front of my face." I know he knew I was RIGHT there, and it was NOT necessary for him to do that. So I got pissed off and started walking away extremely fast, talking and cursing to myself,(which later turned into crying, of course) And Oz and Tony run after me and try and comfort me but it really wasnt working. So I run to church and my friend Skyler comforts me, and I stop crying and then me and Oz head back out and go to his house. As we're walking back to church from his house, Josh comes out of no where to talk to Oz and he's still not looking or talking to me and so I'm like "I'm standing right here you can talk to me" and after 2 minutes of that we end up talking alone. He tells me he still likes me, and loves me, but he isnt ready for a relationship but maybe we could be something more in the future. And i was happy about that. Later on, i check his myspace, he's got another girlfriend.
What.An.Asshole.
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| | Open your mind, not your legs. |
It's been a while since I've actually taken out the time to sit here and write about my life. I guess it's because I've been lazy among other things. Recently, I've gotten into learning. I know it sound's kind of dumb. But i'm completely serious. I never knew what learning was up until a few months ago; and now that I do, I think it's amazing. I don't get how people choose to stay so ignorant and uneducated when there's so much out there to find out. I guess technology not only took our attention spans, but it also took our learning interest. Now a days, everyone's on their cellphones. I can't explain how annoyed I get when I go out to dinner with a couple friends and they spend the entire night speaking to their significant other instead of conversing with me, when I am sitting right in front of them. I'm pretty sure they could talk to their lover ANY OTHER TIME, but they always choose to do it when they go out with friends. How nice.
Another thing, I don't mean to generalize; but this up and coming generation is going to bring hell. I mean that sincerely. Look at who their parents are. A bunch of dumb teenagers who were busy opening their legs to realize they should be opening their minds. And it's true, bad behavior is usually a product of bad parenting. So if anyone is to blame, it's the parents, who shouldn't be having kids in the first place. My friend, who's only 16, just got pregnant and had to get an abortion. I felt so bad but when i thought about I got angry. I just thought "Why didn't she just keep her legs closed? All this would have been avoided...and that jerkface of an ex-boyfriend who helped her get this way can't do a darn thing, he doesn't even have a job!"
I also hate it when people my age or a bit younger, brag about beating someone up. And when i actually see someone get beat up, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I can't help them and it breaks my heart because they probably don't deserve it. Oh because someone insulted the gang your in, your obligated to get your goonies and attempt to beat them half to death? I think not. I think they fight as cowards. And verbal fights? The only reason people resort to cursing someone out is because they can't tell them off professionally, so they instinctively go back to the use of ignorant vocabulary. See, I am bad at explaining things, so when I try and get my opinion heard, I come off as an idiot. I really have to get better at that because I've got waaaay to much to say :] and im so glad about it. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. I wish this generation would realize it before it's too late.
Later Days,
corrupt_ | |
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| | A life is a terrible thing to waste. |
This morning my guinea pig Nina passed away. And just this past Thursday, a lady I've known virtually all my life passed away as well. I've spent a majority of this morning crying and I still am . Ive had her for so long and so it just really, really, hurts. We're going to bury her at the other house where all my fathers pets were also buried. I miss her so much but watching her in pain yesterday was worse than waking up to her dead. I cried for both but watching her in pain just broke my heart. And now that she's gone my heart is completely broken. But I thank God that i even had her for so long, she was about 7 years old. I want to also thank God for Rachel Plang, although I haven't liked her all my life, she was good to my mother, and for that, I appreciated her very much. I pray they both Rest in Peace and I'm glad they both came into my life.
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| | | It sure is a pursuit. |
| There's this song by No Cash, i forget the title and im too lazy to go and pick up the album. But, getting back to the point, the intro of the song is like from a movie I think and it says "Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back. " and whenever i listen to it, it makes me think. Because so many dreams I have don't come true. They dont even get taken seriously and it hurts when I really sit down to think about it. ya know that feeling? It's kinda like your so alone that your the only one who believes in yourself. And I wish I could just "take" my dreams back, but I can't. Music is what I want to do with my life, not only be in a band but anything in music. I've taken up every opportunity I've been offered. each.and.every.one. But NOTHING has worked out. It just makes me feel hopeless. My grades are messing up, my friends I'm losing, it's like theres not much to live for now. I don't mean to sound depressed but each day is like another slap in the face. And i watch the people around me...and they seem so happy. And i wish so badly that I could be like that someday. I miss being truly happy. I'm known for smiling a lot but in all honesty, im not TRULY happy.I want things to finally workout, I want my friends back, I want love back, I want to accomplish something. Thats what i want in this new year..to find happiness in whatever I choose to do. | |
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| | I know all the games you play, I play them too |
| honestly , this website kept me sane. i dont have time to sit and write in a "real" diary, so this perfectly fit my life, and appreciate it with the upmost civic pride lol. So, lately its been a whole lotta stuff, mainly just whats going on inside my head. First off, theres this whole thing with Steff, thats annoying me to the fullest extent. Everything i have she has it too, she's copied my style, got a drumset, and started skateboarding. All things that i did because i wanted to do something my friend WERENT doing. its the most aggravated thing. I started bringing her to my church a little while ago and now she has the friends it took me so long to get. It just seems so unfair that i had to get everything the hard way like begging and pleading with parents for a drumset. Forcing my brother to teach me to skateboard. Coming out of my shell to make friends with strangers. and the list goes on. But for Steff, her dad went out an bought a drumset when she doesnt even play the drums and when she tries she isnt that great. Then skateboarding her dad took time off his work just to teach her to skate. And then when it came to making friends she would still be a no one if it wasnt for me. It's just not fair, she has a big screen tv, and a big house,and pets and all this material stuff and on top of that she gets everything that i have? It angered me so much. I just don't get it. I dont have half the stuff she does and im not lookin to do what she does, i wont go buy a guitar, or start drawing, thats her forte. Why can't she leave me be to my forte and not try to take it. It got to me yesterday to the point where i was sobbing in the shower (how cliche lol) but today im feelin a lot better. I said to myself, despite all that, she isnt me, so what am i so worried about, nothing she can do will make her me so i shouldnt be scared that shes gonna take my place. But i really do want another best friend who won't do everything that i do. Sometimes it just seems like thats too much to ask. besides that there was the whole scott and moon thing which are other reasons why i want to detach myself from her. But she's my bandmate and my "bestfriend". Help? | |
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| | It is what it is.. |
gasp. its been soo long . i got logged out of this website and i totally forgot my password so i couldnt write. I miss this website i really do it was the greatest thing in the world to me for a good year and a half. Moving on, a lot of stuff has gone down since my last journal entry but the "important" things still havent changed. My band is still confused, kristian is still hard to find, im still single and liking more people than i have fingers, and im still the loser i was a month ago. I feel like im officially part of my church crew now, i mean most of time is with them instead of my other friends, so i can only come to the conclusion that they finally accept me. There's this guy Matt im pretty sure ive talked about him before but yeah lately things between us have been strange. On Saturday night me and half of the church crew (including Matt) went to go see the movie Live Free, Die hard. The movie was amazing, i really enjoyed it even though i did flinch at some scenes overall it was a great movie. But during the whole movie me and matt sat close to each other like our arms we touching and even if we moved our arms for a while we'd always place it right back next to each other. Then he'd touch me and tell me "its okay its only a movie" when i'd get scared of a scene or something. It was really quite nice. And i wouldve made him drive me home that night but David offered instead. Then on Sunday my friend Melvin had a BBQ he forgot to tell half the crew. So it was a bunch of guys and me, i was THE ONLY GIRL, can you say awkward, if you cant then i'll say it for you, AWKWARD. Then all the other guys headed off to play monopoly and it was only me and Matt in the room. Even MORE awkward but there was nothing i could do about it...so yeah. It was me and matt in a room by ourselves on a bed with a laptop lol. We just hung out...he tried to take pictures of me but i wouldnt let him. And we kinda flirted the thing is he's 21! But i like him. So i dont know what to do...he is too old for me. But we click well, theres more to the story of what happened Sunday but i gotta go study physic's so i'll write tomorrow. = (
Later Days,
corrupt_rocker | |
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| | Let the critics keep to themselves |
Ah, im back. In my last entry i was talking about how saturday nights are partay nights and i still truly believe they are and yesterday proved it even more. Yesterday was Saturday and on Saturdays i go to church...weird? i know but not to me. But anywho, me and most of the other youth ppl ages 14-22 went to a prayer retreat thing. It sounds extrmely un-fun but it was amazing. It touched my heart in a i should be a better person kind of way. The words spoken were wise and simple just like how life should be. Im so glad i went. I met a bunch of new people and a really cute guy named Joey. But i have a feeling im gonna see him later on in life, just an intuition type thing. Theres also this new guy at my church Jesse, i dont really no him but he looks cool and when i say looks cool i dont mean he looks cute i mean like he looks like he'd be in an action movie type cool lol, so we were sitting next to each other during the ride to the retreat and our knees touched and we kind of moved away from each other but then purposely put our knees back next to each other, confusing but sweet. I also bonded with church members who ive known all my life but never talked too and it was great that i did. They are all fun people that i could def. see myself hanging out with. And yeah i know, "church goes aren't punk and blah blah..screw religion, im an athesist and go 666" say the punks and rockers an stuff. But seriously keep your criticism to yourself. Believe what you want to believe but you dont have to object to everything else, but i guess that is what punk was made for. But seriously its annoying. I love punk music and punk rockers who have made differences for the better ( like anti-racist actions, vegetarians, anarchists) but some punk bands/ppl are just soo pointless. What exactly are they striving for? hmm...I duno. But back to my oh so awesome Saturday nights (the first saturday night i havent listen to "The Misfits- Saturday Night" no pun intended). After the retreat we headed to Jocie's friends house. There we ate and just chilled for an hour or 2 it was fun too bad Kristian couldnt make it =[ . After that we hit the road once again but this time it was pitch black outside but who cares? it was a saturday night! So we ended up at Aunt Nidia (everyone in my church is referred as either aunt or uncle) and me and Jesse avoided each other but then there was Kareoke time! lol dude , i have NEVER had so much fun with kareoke!! and for the first time ever i sang in front of people! like more than two people! I actually sang in front of a room FULL of people!!! I broke my shyness, broke it and IM NEVER going back! lol I sang one of my fav. songs and should be a fav song of many Billy Idol- Rebel Yell. it was insane, i got a 93 out of 100!! and EVERYone in the room clapped for me! i was so freakin happy, an then they told me " you have a great voice or you should sing for your band or i NEVER knew you could sing like that or you were beastin". it was great. THANK THE LORD FOR BILLY IDOL lol.
later days (that finally made it here),
corrupt_rocket | |
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| | Mind bottlin stuff |
So here I am ...on April 21, another lonely Saturday night. Is it just me or should every Saturday night there should be a huge party or somethin.. Saturday nights are perfect party nights but in my life theres rarely saturday parties. But last week I went to a party an came back at 1, if that counts for anything lol. But the party was fun, Kristian was there an he was the life of the party and the only one dancing besides little gangsta kids lol. That "you are the dancing queen" song by Abba came on an Kristian got on the floor an started touching himself lmao it was soo funny because it went with the song. An the cake they had was good, the rest of the food was cold so not as good as that cake. Mhmm, i miss that cake, i miss seeing kristian dancing. He was even line dancing off beat an everything, hes great an i want him in my band. He wants to be in my band also only thing is hes like 4 years older than me, steff, and joan. But i mean joan cant sing all that well, an even though Kristians not a girl he has a good voice not to mention hes hot and funny. But back to the party, it was great but the music wasnt lol there was the seventh heaven song which i started singing along to but thats not great to dance too so i didnt dance and i love to dance. Then I needed a ride home and my friend shama asks J.R to take me home later an hes like " Yeah Shari , i'll drop you off at the bus stop, i got ya back" and I just started laughing. I bonded more with Matthew, Cham, Johann, David and Kristian. So i got a lot done , im cool with Eric and Franklyn also, next week im gonna bring Steff and Joan to church to meet all these people. On Friday it was fun i was in front of the school till after 4:30 which i never usually do. But i got to bother my brother (which goes to my school) and now a bunch of people know we are related which i think is the opposite of what he wanted lol. And i finally talked to the shyest guy ever Mohammed because i was cornering an adorable little squirrel lol. I was chasing and talking to a squirrel because it was adorable not my fault an when ever i'd look left he'd look right and when i'd look right he'd look left it was hilarious. Lifes been good to me lately even without parties every Saturday night, life is good. Me and Steff just need to find out how to tell Joan she cant sing without it ruinin our friendship of 4 years!!! Thats just drama waiting to happen. So now...im just excited to see what life holds.
Later days,
xoxo Corrupt | |
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| | Just for the Record |
Heylo, its been a long while, like it always is with my journal entries these days. Its been so stressful and just hectic. I still dont get why everything is going the way it is. Mohammed and I still havent talked but he's a lot less shy to other ppl which is cool in a sense but makes me feel even worse. Me an Kristian haha i dont have the slightest clue about what goes on in his head. I mean i took a day off from school,(this is like 3 weeks ago), so im sitting here online doing nothing as usual, an he IMs me half an hour later hes asking me where i live and if he can come over lol I it was really random an im not supposed to randomly have ppl over but since i kinda like him an stuff i told him where i lived an stuff an said that he couldnt stay for a long time because i didnt want to get him sick. But in truth he couldnt stay long because my dad is a professor an he comes home at random times so i had to be a careful as possible lol. Okay wait i forgot to explain, my band needs a singer an Kristian is from my church an he sings an plays geetar so I want him to be the vocalist for my all-girl band even though hes not a girl lol. So I needed to hear him sing before i made any decisions , so thats mainly why he wanted to come over. SO he gets here an he doesnt have his guitar an he says " I dont have my guitar cause its at my friends house, so i'll just sing for you" And then im like "Okay" so he comes in, sits down , an guess what????.....HE CANT SING WITHOUT HIS GUITAR. So there was just 15 min. of awkwardness lol. So then he leaves and comes back 15 mins. later with his guitar an then he started singing a bunch of songs an he sounded so good i almost cried lol and hes adorable lol so that helped too. 2 weeks later (last weekend) I wanted him to meet my band at the mall and so Steff, Joan, and Me are there waiting .And then her ex- Chris and his friend Chris P (evryone calls him Crispy to sepearte the 2 Chris' lol) So we spend a couple of hours hanging out, NEVER see Kristian, and were getting mad and stuff. Then i signed on AIM on Joans cell an hes online, I IM him and he has to go to the hospital and I felt stupid, completly and utterly STUPID. Now im here, waiting for 5 o clock to roll around so i can go skateboarding at the fire station. thats life`
Later Days,
corrupt xx | |
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| | im just a ..what am i? |
Today absolutley sucked. No other way to put it i had plans, exciting ones but once again in my oh so cruel life nothing worked out. Nothing ever works out, everyone just ditches when i want to do something. But i always have the hope and always end up disappointed. I'll probably do it again. Today was a half day and seeing as i have no life i went home and i planned to go to the battle of the bands but joan an steff "forgot" an i had no way of getting there.. So im here mad at the world. ha im so pathetic . My mind is going in so many directions these days maybe someday i'll follow to one of them. Marcelo is with annie now, umm...kristian fell off the face of the earth. Now im just waiting for him to come back lol. On saturday this other chris was telling me how pretty i was and this other stuff. But that all went totally wrong seeing as how we were in church. Argh i give up!!!!!!!!! stupid sons of silence, stupid ravager, stupid city! Stupid band people!!!!!
later f'd up days,
corrupt | |
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I been ignored today but i actually talked today. Its weird, the people who i thought were weird were the people who i talked to today and actually had fun talking to. An those who i thought were cool to talk to were the ones that ignored me. I am SUCH an idiot. Marcelos going out with Annie im pretty sure, my grades are bad. I almost cried because of those grades, i tried so hard an i usually dont try AT ALL and it didnt work. It never works for me, nothing ever works for me. My band stopped practicing agains everythings always getting cancelled. I'm always stressing over these things and now ive got a huge headache i hate it. I hate it all. And now i have to go to dance which usually makes me happy. I'll write later.
Later hours,
xoxo lee-uh | |
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