Words. mewithoutYou's ability to cure my everything. Driving down the highway at night in the middle of winter with my windows down, especially when it is raining. Genuine people. My independence. How bright my future is. Anticipation. Creation. Bonnaroo Music + Arts Festival. Airports. Wayne's World. Word association. Strangers who smile back. My parents. The relationship I have with my brother. Foxes. Cinnamon Eggos with a scoop of coffee ice cream on top. Carelessness. Memories. Overcoming a weakness. Art. Tattoos. Piercings. Italian food. Flaws. People-watching. Strong female vocals. Free-thinkers. Driving aimlessly. Soccer. Volleyball. My past. The little things. People who are nice for no reason. Photographs. Laughter. Infinity. How much more intimate music is when heard through headphones. Discovering a new favorite band. Fear Before. The unknown. Horses. Changing someone's life. James Frey. Being a morning person. Being a night person. Surpassing one's expectations. Learning through experience. Sleep. Lyrics that just fit. Catch For Us The Foxes. Eliot's Fair Grounds coffee shop in Norfolk, Virginia. Bodies of water. Being in a strange city. Dresses. How much of an impact the sun has in the middle of a cold winter. The first snow of the season. Living vicariously through someone else's happiness. Change. Foreign films. Best friends of the opposite sex (more namely, my best friend of the opposite sex). Inspiration. Waking up to text messages. Having something to look forward to. Dreams that seem real. The smell of Borders. Blue Duck (my iPod). Forever 21. Saying "right on" far too much. Being girly. A new attraction. Hearing songs for the first time in years yet still knowing all of the words. Hot showers. Feeling the good kind of anxious. The idea of living with my brother and my best friend in a few months. Yorkshire Terriers. No drugs. No alcohol. No cigarettes. Relativity. Staring at the sun. Zooey Deschanel. Pugs. Being treated how I deserve to be treated. Making someone smile. Realization. Living. A perfectly made Cinnamon Dulce Latte from Starbucks. Drums. Growing up. Being told "You look familiar". People who go the extra mile. Feeling accomplished. Starting a new journal. Making this list. Getting to know someone. Having control. Having a backbone. Reliving my teen years through old mixed CDs. Snail mail. Aaron Weiss. Starting a new book. Sunsets that look like the cover of Sleepercar's West Texas. Being the one person someone confides in. Questions. Having all the time in the world. New beginnings. Undivided attention. You.
I realized all I've gotta do is love people and if I find my contentment in serving people, and giving, and loving - then it's not dependent on what people's response is. You know? You don't say, "she's gotta love me back or else I can't be happy," or, "she's gotta marry me," or, "we've gotta sell this many records or I can't be happy," or, "I've gotta have this kind of house or I can't be happy." It's more like, no, I've gotta love people. And I've gotta love God. And that's always possible. -Aaron Weiss, mewithoutYou
Those words just reconfirmed my wholehearted love for that band and everything they stand for.
Why do you stare at me?
You stare at me. I want to know why.
You already know why.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
You do, you just want to hear me say it.
Tell me why you stare.
I took a deep breath.
The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.
I stared at her.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.
I stared at her.
When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.
When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.
It's amazing how much a simple line from a song can sum you up.
I've been thinking about myself a lot lately - not in a selfish manner, but more so reflecting on who I've become over the past 19 years - and I must say, I'm quite pleased with how I have turned out so far. If anything, that is one of the best feelings, knowing you've gone so long succeeding as a person. Never have I given in to something I don't believe in. Never have I given myself or anyone I love a reason to be ashamed of who I am. It's beautiful to have people in my life who encourage my attitude and my ambition daily; they are really what keep me going.
I have a backbone.
I have the capability to stand on my own two feet.
I have the strength to say no.
I don't search for someone to complete me.
I am independent.
I am invincible.
No one can break me.
A fear of mine - what if all of this success as a person will lead to failing in life? I have been thinking about my future, and I can't help but wonder how I'll turn out when I finish school and am out on my own. Is the degree I'm pursuing the answer? Will I find out too late that Psychology isn't the field I am meant to work in? I want to help those who need it, but what if my answers aren't enough? Or what if I don't even have the answers? Scary to think of, and it is merely a possibility.
Those faces in this town that left four months ago are slowly returning. It's nice to run into familiarity, but it sure is a reality check that some things, no matter how familiar they are, will never be the same.
There are places I'll never go that I need to go to.
There are people that I'll never meet that I need to meet.
There are people I know in places that aren't here,
And, right now, I'm not okay with that.
It's 1am, I am listening to "Motorcycle Drive By", and the rain is tapping hard on my window - beautiful.