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brentkid's Blog
A touch of love.
12/01/08 at 08:58 PM by brentkid
I want us to be in love one day. I haven't been this happy when thinking about someone in years.
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Plea...
04/20/08 at 07:07 PM by brentkid
If you should go right now
I slit this hole in the black expanding sky
If you should go right now
The rain bleeds out before my jaded eyes
If you should go right now
I slit this cut in the black expanding sky
To live without your love I donít know how

On and on I go in this world
Iím lusting after every empty girl
As smoke spat from the rifles
Slowly swirls
But I canít explain the way I feel
And all I know tonight is that itís real

Praying darling
Maybe someday we
Together can be
The king and queen
Make me believe you mean this
Maybe someday we
Believe this when I see it
Together can be
The king and queen
Of all I see
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23
03/24/08 at 08:52 PM by brentkid
Baby, I know you're no good for me anymore but I can't help but wish that you were all that I had. The worst part is that no one will ever have me like you still do.

I feel like some sort of tragedy. I tell myself that all I need is for some new girl to enter my life and turn everything around. Someone to fix me. I don't know why but I just feel like it's what I need but I know that it's no good. Nothing will fix me completely from this.

I don't understand why I'm so loyal to people that I care about. It's frustrating. I do so much more for people than I could ever ask from them. The most I desire is for them to listen to me complain over the phone for an hour. Then it's back to feeling like I'm on my own.

I feel so disconnected with the world. I have next to no friends. No one to say "I love you" to anymore. My company consists of regrets. Things I wish I did. Things that would have taken me somewhere other than here.
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You're Fucking Welcome
03/02/08 at 06:45 PM by brentkid
If there is one thing that pisses me off more than anything, it's when someone doesn't appreciate what I do for them. I'll let almost anything go but that pisses me off.

I can't even believe what I still do for this person. I've helped them with so much since I've known them. Since we were fifteen I've helped them with papers in school. I'm good at writing. It's my thing. So I help other people out if they ask for it because I'm confident that I can do a good job in helping them out with writing a solid paper. Since we were fucking fifteen. I've done it without asking for anything in return. I never expected them to owe me or anything like that. I just did it because I don't mind helping people out, just like I said before.

So here I am, a freshman in college, and I'm still helping them. I mean I wrote an entire fucking paper for them once because they had so much other work and I had plenty of time to help. An entire paper. One for a portion of their final grade. What did they get? An 'A' for the semester. What did I get? "Thank you so much, I can't thank you enough." I was content with that. I didn't care. Second semester begins. I rush home twice to help them finish papers with a deadline that was an hour away each time. Did they finish them? You fucking bet. Why? Because I rushed all the fucking way home from my commute to get home in time to help. I wrote the goddamn intro and conclusion for the second one.

So they ask me tonight, "Hey can you help me real quick?". Of course I say yes. I get online, and try helping out with the intro. "No, you don't get it, sorry you wrote all of that." Okay, I try again. Nope, not really getting it. I notice they're stressed and I mention it. Of course I'm right - they are. I try to help them relax and focus on what they do. "That's not helping me right now. You're lecturing me." So I try being more straight-forward. I start telling them how to structure their intro. They sign off. Don't say a fucking single word to me. They just sign off.

I text them and say, "I guess you don't want me help." No response.

I'm so fucking sick of this shit. I can't believe that this is how I'm treated after everything I've done. I've known this person for years and this is the thanks I get for all the times I went out of my way to help them without the slightest hint of receiving a favor in return. I understand they were stressed but they could have said something rather than abruptly leave. I didn't do anything wrong, why the fuck am I the person that they're getting upset with. Nothing but a nice, big "fuck you" right to my face. Really, you're fucking welcome. Glad I could help.

Christ, this whole situation is fucking retarded. I really haven't been this pissed off in ages. I literally did nothing wrong. I don't get how I deserve to be treated like that. After everything I did.

Have some fucking class and at least treat people who unconditionally help you out with some respect.
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Tired
02/10/08 at 02:03 PM by brentkid
I'm tired of always thinking about you.
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Fast Forward
02/01/08 at 09:43 AM by brentkid
I feel like I'm at a time in my life where I just want to fast forward. Everything I know right now is just building me up for who I'll be a year from now and even further down the road. There's nothing immediately gratifying in my life right now. No relationships, nothing involved with a career and lastly, nothing that's making me happy. I'm sort of just content with how things are now. Not necessarily upset but not overjoyed. I mean I guess that's better than just being miserable but I just feel this overwhelming emptiness right now. Some days I'll wake up and be completely optimistic about my outlook, and that everything is going fine, but there there's the days I wake up and I literally feel like I want to cry. I mean how pathetic is that? I'm sitting in my school library right now thinking about all of this and all I want to do is just go home and cry, sleep, mourn, whatever. I don't even care. I just want out.

I just don't understand why me, out of everyone I know, has always been the one that struggles to get a grasp on things. To just be happy. I mean in elementary school it was me struggling to learn despite a learning disability. I overcome that and enter middle school and I'm viciously picked on for two and a half years. I get to high school and things become amazing once I met my ex but now she's gone and I've never felt so alone. Everyone is at school and the closest thing I have to friends are the guys I work with at my job who all happen to be way older than me. I'm grateful to still have my family but I don't want to always rely on them. I can't connect with them on everything. My brother is younger and too stubborn to understand how I really feel or come to me and try to at least comfort me and my parents are just parents. They'll just give me a speech about how they love me and that I can do anything I want and that things will get better.

The thing is I've been waiting for four months now for things to get better and the improvement is far from anything meaningful. I'm still as lonely, I just know how to cope with it until the end of the day when I go to sleep.

I don't know why I'm so emotional today. I think it's because it's her birthday today and for three years it was a day we spent together to celebrate. Maybe it's because I sent her a text last night to wish her a happy birthday and with her drunken fingers she said "thanks" and "i miss you". Now she's with new people, a new boyfriend who I still don't know if she entirely wants to be with or not, and in another part of the state. I just want the summer to come. To be home for three months with no obligations. Where if I'm feeling badly, I can just relax.

I really just want to fast forward. I want to get away. It's so immature but everything in the past few months has asked me to be too mature.
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Tomorrow
01/25/08 at 08:46 PM by brentkid
The way life works itself out sometimes is really strange. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason but lately I've been questioning what those reasons are. I mean, I know it's always supposed to be clear-cut and obvious but I'm really struggling where everything going on in my life right now is supposed to take me. I feel like everything has helped me grow to some extent, or at least helped me learn a life lesson but nothing feels complete. I feel like there should be some sort of closure to these lessons but there isn't. It's like it will never end. Albeit, I'm definitely happier than I was back in October, hell I'm happier than I was a month ago but nothing feels conclusive and it's starting wear me down a little. I'm just so ready to either move on with my life or at least pick up from where I started but it doesn't feel like either one of those options are going to happen. Rather, I'm stuck in some weird position in-between the two.

I'm also starting to realize I have no interest in going to my school anymore. It's not that I hate commuting to school or anything like that, there's just nothing that interests me there. The people are nice but I haven't met anyone that I click with. There's not even a major slightly related to business besides Economics and I refuse to take classes related to that. I guess I just see a transfer in my future, but I have no idea where. I know that I'm passionate about two things: music and clothes. No, I'm not gay. I know the stereotype for guys is, "Oh what a metro!" or "He's totally gay!" but it's neither. I just like the freedom of creating a self-image through clothing. Then there's music which is my ultimate passion in life. I just have no idea what kind of school to go to where I could graduate and be able to become associated with either of those industries even if it meant starting at a pretty low level.

As much as it sucks to realize I hate my school, it's nice to know that I'm discovering myself and what I want to do in my life. I think I'm becoming hungry to succeed at what I'm passionate about and what I do best. I don't know if it's because I'm not in a relationship anymore where it was always about "us" or "we" but I feel like my own person more now than ever. I'm ready to do big things but the first thing I need to do is get the hell out of the school I'm attending now.

I guess it's just strange how foreign my own life feels right now. It's nothing I've been accustomed to in years. I was always pretty sure of what made me happy and what I wanted but I find that every day now I'm going back and forth.

One thing I have realized is that I'm still in love with "her". I've just gotten to a point where I cope with the pain. I have no physical distraction, no other girl. I think it's better that way. Like Tate said in one of his Waste of Bandwitdths, people get it wrong after they get out of relationships. They think they need someone immediately and jump right back into another relationship that's doomed from the start. It's just I wasn't the one that was angry when it all ended, I was the one that was heartbroken. I can't say I'd rather have been furious but I know it's damn near impossible to go a day without thinking about what happened. I suppose this is all a part of growing up, it's just unfortunate I'm the first of all my friends and many other people I know my age to go through something like this. Three years is a lot of time to dedicate to someone else. It feels very adult-like to me. I just can't afford to let it happen again which has unfortunately pushed me to create a huge wall before I let anyone in again.

So like I said, life is strange right now. Not entirely in a negative way but I can't say it's for the best. Who knows, ten years from now I'll be looking back at all of this and probably be laughing.
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Resolution
01/22/08 at 06:36 AM by brentkid
So I guess everything is resolved for now. I no longer feel the need to bitch about my situation or get down on myself about it. I've simply stood up to be the bigger person about the whole thing. It'd be easy to hate her for everything but I'm not that guy, so I guess I'm bound to just be a good guy about it. She was the best friend I ever had when we were together and I don't want to let emotions be the reason why that friendship is completely destroyed.

Anyway, I started taking Accutane to finally put an end to my persistent acne. Now I'll say right now there are probably millions of people that have it worse than me regarding their acne but the persistence of mine is mind numbing. I decided I really needed to just put a stop to it and my derm agreed. I'm happy that I'm doing this for myself. I maybe sound vain but I can't help but get upset looking in a mirror with marks and acne on my face. Is it horrible? No, but when you see people all around you that have perfect skin and don't do a thing to take care of it, it becomes a little disheartening. I'm just tired of having to always worry about my skin. Whether I remembered to take a pill in the morning and make sure to lather my face in some topical before I go to bed.

So we'll see where that takes me but besides that, I think I'm pretty content for now.

I even made a myspace page to put music I record online. I just finished a cover of "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" last night so that's there.

The URL is: http://www.myspace.com/hamiltoncomehome

So yeah, good stuff.
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Save your breath.
01/16/08 at 10:32 PM by brentkid
I guess it's easier for me to hang around than kick you to the curb.
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All We Thought We Could
01/15/08 at 08:22 AM by brentkid
Aren't we so good at holding on to the past? If we weren't speeding, I'm sure we wouldn't have crashed. Under the influence of our shallow lust;
I know we should be careful but that won't happen to us...

Love is a second, third, fourth and fifth shot. God knows I need it; God knows you haven't forgot...
Oh and you are too much like a drug to me. No longer what I want, just what I think I need. Why would I leave when I could waste away with you? Less
concerned with what I'll find than what I could lose...

It's easier to look down than to look you straight in the eye. I'll only say this once because I know it's going to make you cry. There is a reason I feel lost when I'm not with you. It's not because of love; it's just that you are what I've gotten
used to...

Nothing left; but you say "Can't you give us one more try? We're in a knot that I can't let you untie": If we don't leave now, we never will.
Turn your back one last time on me
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Done.
01/11/08 at 03:05 PM by brentkid
I'm over you. We could have been bigger than this.
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When you thought you'd never stand out.
01/08/08 at 01:02 PM by brentkid
What's happened to me is pretty messed up and I guess I could sit here and just be bitter about it but I don't want to be that guy. Unfortunately I can't escape it. I'm able to put on this fake appearance to everyone around me that I'm okay - that I'm over it and happy - but I don't think I'm either. Sometimes I even fool myself but it never lasts. It's something that's just really temporary.

This whole situation. Her. Him. What she has said and done. It's the one thing I want to never think about again but it's the only thing that consumes my mind. I'm tired of thinking about it but it's like the whole situation has me by the throat and just keeps my feet on the ground. It's suffocating.

I just don't understand why she had to tell me she loved me. That she missed what we had. She is with another guy now and still tells me this. How is it fair? I can't live on false hope. I can't do it again. I nearly ruined my first semester because I believed her. I believed that there was hope when she ended up choosing him. It's not my burden to carry.

I won't be around anymore. If she wants me in her life, it's her decision. I won't call. I won't send a text or leave a message. I won't. She wants me as security and that's all. She wants to know that I will always be there when things go wrong. She wants us to have the imperfect relationship. She wants the closeness of someone always by your side. She wants me to be the one that won't judge her. She wants all of this so that she can numb herself with him. So that he serves as the distraction that he is. So that he is the escape from all of that. The family problems. The insecurities. The truth. He is not a part of her life like I am and never will be yet she lies to herself. She sees no future with him yet continues to lie to everyone. To me. To him. I won't be a part of this.

She isn't the girl I fell in love with. I think that's what breaks my heart. It's my first real encounter of reality where people do change. People that you loved once, that you cared for, that you thought would always be in your life. The truth is nothing is permanent. College happened and even moreso, life happened. Changed cascaded down on our lives and has been forcing me to forget what I once knew. I just wish I could fully understand that. That she won't be the same. That it's wasted energy but I can't let go for some reason. It's because I see her face. I see what she was. That who I love is still somewhere inside her shell of what she used to be but I can't fight for what isn't present.

I'm a good person. She is not ... not anymore.
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You Won't Know.
01/03/08 at 04:18 PM by brentkid
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Hangman,
You go get your rope
Your daughters weren't careful,
I fear that I am a slippery slope
Now even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right...

She won't know...
She won't know...

So pray little Kay, love's God on a good day,
And you can't blame your mother,
She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake
And I wish that I could tell you right now, I love you
But it looks like I won't be around
So you won't know...

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

So believe in me,
believe, if you think I'll let you down
Well I won't
They can fire everything they've got
And when you think I'm sunk
I will float on and on
I have burned the bush that covered my light
Even though I'm scared I won't burn that bright
But you won't know...

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

We're never gonna feel as full as we felt
So let's go outside and we'll play "William Tell"
Take your time drawing your bead
I'll stand as still as you need
'Cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack
But you're the apple of my eye anyway

My smiling face
That's on my head
That's on your silver plate

So they say,
They say in heaven
There's no husbands and wives
On the day that I show up
They'll be completely out
Of their forgiveness supplies
And I can't use the telephone
To tell you that I'm dead and gone
So you won't know

You won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
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what?
01/02/08 at 06:20 PM by brentkid
What makes love, love? I mean the love that people decide to get married over. I thought I was in love. I thought. Apparently thinking you're in love is different than actually being in love. I loved who she was with me. When it was just us two.

College took her. Allowed her to spread her wings. For her to think that the world was huge and that I was a small spec of gravel to her feet. She thought she could do more, find better, and live happier. She left me. She disposed of me like three years had meant nothing to her.

How do you say you love someone and end things so quickly? Not only that, but believe you truly like another person nearly two weeks after we break? Were we really in love? I don't know and I won't for a long time. I may look back thirty years from now. I'll remember it all...or will I?

She's confused and I'm a simply puppet that she likes to play with. It's cliche and stupid but it's the way things are. I am nearly an instrument of safety to her. I am the old shoe that she will always come back to, but she's no longer mine. I'll find my own fit somewhere with someone who does love me. Who won't abandon me.

Her problems are hers alone.
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Life's a song.
01/01/08 at 07:22 PM by brentkid
I've never been the "blogger" type or whatever but I'm always up for something new.

It sounds so cliche but I never imagined how unpredictable life can be. Five months ago if you asked me where I thought my life would be, my answer would totally oppose the reality of things. I would have thought I'd be still be in love, happy and just generally content with my life. Instead, up until recently I had felt numb. Nothing phased me. My life had devolved into a simple schedule, of wake, eat, sleep, school, work, sleep. It was a cycle that occurred every day. I waited for her to give me an answer after she tossed me away. I never got it. I answered for her.

It felt like vindication. It felt like freedom. It wasn't painless but it gave me hope. Hope that things could get better if I gave it enough time. I may never find that love again, but perhaps there was something else out there that I just didn't find yet. I was getting better.

However, life can never be simple. It can never just allow things to happen the way you want them. It can never allow things to just be easy. She came to me claiming how unhappy she was. How she still loved me and wasn't any happier without me. Yet she couldn't free herself from a relationship that was barely walking on two legs. A relationship where she can't freely express how she feels. So instead she puts on a show, pretending everything is okay when she's with him. I can't even begin to understand.

This news hit me the night before New Years. It brought me to a state where I wasn't concerned with the holiday. I just wanted to sleep. To turn my mind off for a few hours. To me the night just meant that tomorrow I'd wake up and the calendar would just say '08. Sad, I know.

Some days I feel like I just want to go away. Just step outside of my body or something and disappear. I'd come back a year from now and everything would be resolved. I could live at peace but I guess life could never be that simple.
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Last Updated: 12/01/08 (2,567 Views)
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