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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
Life is Looking Up
11/05/08 at 05:06 AM by cassusriff
For my thoughts on the election, check out my blog entry right below this one.

So much. So much is on my mind. I already got my thoughts on the election out. So at least that is done. Again, let me try to put this all together.

First of all, Forgive Durden's Razia's Shadow: A Musical is easily my album of the year. I have no problem stating that now. This album is well-crafted and clever. A perfect blend of what I love from my theatre days mixed with a hint of my favorite kind of music. The Dutton brothers wrote an outstanding story with amazing instrumentation and lyrics that are far better than any I've heard in a musical. The guests on the album are all nearly flawless and fit their characters perfetly. Brendon Urie, Greta Salpeter, and Casey Crescenzo stand out amongst a spectacular ensemble. This album is definitely not for everyone... but if it is, it is a gem. One of the best albums I've heard in a long time.

Next, I'm getting on the train late, but I'm going to attempt to write most to all of Skyscraper. If you don't know what that is, it is a story I brainstormed a while back that I haven't had a chance to really dive into yet. Since it is "Write a Novel Month" I figured that this is a better time than any to start. I've been incredibly busy, but if I can find just a little time to write every night I can at least begin to hash the story out. Wish me luck!

Videos... I'll try to make more of those, but I have so much going on and I really don't have the time to make them as great as I'd like. I have the equipment now, so in time I will get on making more videos.

I'm also still writing lyrics and music and stuff. It's a bit painful to me because I feel like I'm at an artistic apex in my life and yet I'm too busy to capitalize. I'm hoping life starts to slow down a bit after this week... can't promise anything though.

So on to the real stuff. Today is November 5th. I've waited at least 7 weeks for this day, if not my whole life. I'm going to LA to meet up with my friends and a girl who quite possibly is 'the one'. There is a new president elected. I 'm definitely moving to LA in a year. I'm completely on my own. I'm turning 21 soon. I have so many directions I can go and I'm scared. It feels like a new chapter in my life is about to begin. Just based on how the last month has gone, I have seen my life on a very considerable upswing. I don't understand why all this good is coming to me, but I'm starting to think that I deserve some good for once. It feels weird to actually expect good things for myself because I've been so used to disappointment and abandonment. This new feeling is something I hope to never lose again.

But really... all I can think about is seeing Lizzy. In less than 24 hours I'll be in LA with her. We are going to Disneyland this weekend. I can't believe how real it all is. I'm excited and scared and speechless and short of breath.

This is going to be one hell of a weekend.

I'll start bloggng more when I get back... and I'm pretty sure I'll be a changed man when I get back.

Nobody understood me till her eyes fixed upon me. My puzzled life's complete now that I found my missing piece.
Tags: music, razias shadow, forgive durden, life, personal, writing, relationships
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10/27/08 at 02:28 AM by cassusriff
I have so much on my mind...

and my fingers can't get the words out.
Tags: personal, writers block
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10/24/08 at 01:49 AM by cassusriff
I dont know where I am. What I'm doing. Where I'm going.

I'm so all over the place right now. I'm happy, but I'm stressed. I'm falling in love, but I'm nervous and anxious and worried. I'm moving forward, but I feel like I'm running in place.

Maybe we can chalk it up to a long week and a weird night. The doubt will always seep through every now and then, even if I have an iron wall up. I just want clarity. I want time to slow down and life to catch up. I want stability and relaxation and some oxygen to breathe.

I need her hand to hold. I need her arms around me. It has been too long since I have felt the physical sensation of affection. I've been so closed off and unaffectionate, so unlike myself. I've fallen for her in every way, but I need to feel it now.

12 days couldn't come soon enough.

Remember, Remember, the 5th of November.
Tags: personal, love, struggle, life
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My Magician
10/22/08 at 08:36 AM by cassusriff
There is a resolution
a prestige to my act
You are my magician
You pulled a rabbit out of a hat

You see, the world was drowning
and I was locked in chains
and your soft hands unlocked me
Released me from this pain

And the best kind of amnesia
is the when you don't forget but you move on
I wish you could know
You magically righted every wrong
I took the hard road to get here
but the view with you is so clear
It's a whole new kind of imagination
My magician...

This act is over
This play is done
I'm going underground
I know that I have won

You see, the audience can clap or jeer
But when your eyes fix upon me
Everyone else can disappear
I remember how you set me free

So darling please
forget the tricks before
Darling please
I'm liking your performance more

Use your magic
My magician

Tags: song, poem, lyrics, personal, original
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Jam Session #2: Disappearing Act
10/22/08 at 02:29 AM by cassusriff
A song I wrote in my blog a long time ago finally is going to see the light of day. Tristan and Colin were over today and though I wasn't exactly thrilled to have "my time" shortened yet again, especially after such a long day -

Actually, let me tell you about that first. I threw out my back, I had to move to another desk at work, I worked my ass off all day and was tired as hell, I spent my last money on gas until I get paid thursday, some high school kid hit my car and dented my bumper and bent my license plate, I drove to a class I didn't have today, I talked with my girl only to learn that her day had been just as bad, I got off the phone and had two friends crash my apartment when I was about to work out, I didn't get to work out, I listened to my brother complain until 2am and he bummed me out, and now I'm here feeling as stressed as ever. Ugh.

Anyway... especially after such a long day. But they are my friends and I wasn't about to just kick them out. I don't see Colin much so it is always time to be cherished when I see him. I also got them to listen to Thrice so I succeeded in something I guess.

But Tristan had a guitar/piano/melody he had written a long time ago and I put the lyrics to his music. We were actually trying to write a new song, but in doing so we took some of my old poems and some of his old song structures and turned them into some good-sounding stuff. I'm getting excited for whatever the hell this musical project is. I am definitely Pete Wentz and Tristan is Patrick Stump. I say, let him sing. Let me write. I like how we work together.

"Disappering Act" is a really sad song. I wrote it about a hard time in my life. Let's just say I wasn't quite over an ex and I hadn't met the current girl who very well may be the love of my life... but I digress. The above link has the lyrics and I will also post them under the video. Let me know what you all think. It's just Tristan singing and playing guitar... but listen to the lyrics.


I wonder what life would have been like
if you were still by my side.
I try to push the idea that these dreams
live and die with this pretense.

I've fought for almost a year now
and your memory is so persistent.
I've nearly died from this pain
I'm thinking I may never love again.

I once dreamed of a world with you and me
A world where you was all I could see.
I made this mistake and you led me there
and now I'm stuck with my reflection in the mirror.

I wish I could hear something else
besides the echo of my voice.
I wish I could see you again
I wish we could make the past pretend.

So today, and now, and for the distant future
I walk alone with your ghost on my shoulders.
You are practically dead to me
Because I haven't heard your voice in forever it seems.

This is worse than it seems
This is me losing you completely.
This is me trying to figure out things
Without you, it doesn't seem like reality.

Without you, it all seems

Like it shouldn't be.
Tags: music, video, stress, life, lyrics, personal, original, acoustic, unsigned
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10/21/08 at 01:51 AM by cassusriff
Man, I thought last year was busy. I thought last spring was busy. I thought I knew what busy was.

I had NO fucking idea.

I don't even have a second to breathe it seems. I wake up exhausted and head to work. This job isn't like my old job at Blue Shield, I actually have to produce quality work for a straight 8 hours. I get off work and go home and try to find some piece of mind while maintaining communication with the girl I'm crazy about who lives across the country. I go to class and take a test or sit through a rough lecture or take an extremely difficult quiz. I get home and use my spare time to buy groceries, talk to my girl again, watch some TV with my brother, talk my friends through hard times or even good times, organize my finances and bills, do homework, make a video or write a blog.

Before I know it, it is 2am and I have work in 6 hours.

Rinse. Repeat the process.

Those who know me know that I am a bit OCD. In weird ways too. I used to have this routine of websites I'd check and I am really adamant about responding to comments on my blogs and facebook and youtube and such... but now I'm finding that I don't even have time to do that. I want to make more videos but I have no time for that. I want to work out but I'm just not finding time for that unless it is during my 10 minute break at work. Fortunately, I've continued eating relatively well so I've stayed at my target weight.

My mind is a blur of thoughts. I just applied for a second job during weekends and I don't know why I think I can handle that right now but I feel like I just NEED to handle that right now. I feel compelled to take on all of this because I think that 2009 is going to be another big year for me (maybe more successful too) and I can't slow down now. I need to hit the new year in stride and I can't relax now.

In two weeks my life is going to change when she steps off that plane.

My friends are all getting older and dealing with the pain and frustration that I have been dealing with for two years. They feel alone, they feel pressure, they feel lack of support and realism hitting them all at once. Welcome to the party people... I'm your host.

My family cannot function as a whole, but expect me to be their glue. I have to deal with them on an individual basis and it is up to me to make time for that. Same with my friends... just because I have a new love interest doesn't mean that I am just going to abandon them. I'm not like that nor will I ever be. I'm willing to stay up the extra hour for them. Work sucks, school sucks. I may be working 7 days a week and going to school 4 days a week in the near future... Help me.

But in the face of adversity, I have to stand strong. I may not have much air to breathe, but every breath is crisp and refreshing. I need to learn to survive on less oxygen. Thank heavens for her, she's injecting me with positivity throughout all of this and it is like a drug to me. I can't get enough of her.

So here I am... counting days. But the days are moving quicker than I can count. Before I know it...

The day will be here.
Tags: personal, work, friends, family, school, relationships, time
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The Fall (Winter Blossom)
10/19/08 at 01:07 AM by cassusriff
I don't know why... but I've gotten into songwriting again. I've been busting out lyrics as per usual, but now I'm writing music and working with friends on arrangements. I guess I'm just feeling really artistic and expressive lately, or maybe I just have something to write about again. Either way, I'm loving it.

A few blogs ago I wrote some lyrics and couldn't finish them because I was feeling blah. Well, here is the finished product.

"The Fall (Winter Blossom)"

My tears have never been clearer
My prayers have never been nearer
To coming true

Climb through the window
Whispering "Wake up, I love you"
Climb in beside you
To bed...

Hoping the morning will come
And dawn will start pouring
In through the window

I can't wait to wake up
And look at your face
And see your eyes smiling
Take me to a different place

It's like I've fallen on an earth that is heaven
My breath is short but my air is refreshing
My heart is on fire
My tears have never been clearer
My prayers have never been nearer
To coming true

I watched your plane leaving
And I watched the leaves change
This Autumn brings loneliness
Cause you're so far away...

I'm waiting for the blossom of springtime
In the middle of the winter
To see your eyes

I can't wait to wake up
And look at your face
And see your eyes smiling
Take me to a different place

It's like I've fallen on an earth that is heaven
My breath is short but my air is refreshing
My heart is on fire
My tears have never been clearer
My prayers have never been nearer
To coming true

The tips of mountaintops
To the depths of ocean bottoms
I'm dancing in flames
And drinking the crisp air

Enjoy the jam session. We should be recording the song soon...

Tags: song, lyrics, jam session, video, music, personal, original
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Update: Autumn Color Changes
10/17/08 at 03:07 AM by cassusriff
Something about Fall/Autumn and the incredible changes that occur in my life. This week alone has been so crazy.

I found out that I can and will be receiving two Associates Degrees in May, one for General Education and one for Social Science.

I've decided to make Sociology my primary major choice in my application to attend UCLA next fall.

I may be getting a second job for the holiday season so I can afford a new computer and supplement my income.

I'm falling in love with a girl and I'm scared to death of it, but I've never been more elated.

Things are so insane and fast-paced. I feel like I don't have a moment to breathe, but every breath I take is pure oxygen. That is to say, I'm moving so fast but the things that are happening are amazing. The news about the Associate's Degrees was a bit of a consolation for having to deal with all these college issues. Finally, after 3 years of college I'll have something to show for it and if I don't get into UCLA I can still make do with those degrees for the time being.

My job is hard, but it is good. I've made a few friends in my department that are actually becoming real life friends, which is really nice. I am pretty low on friends in this area and it'll be nice to have some people to drink with when I finally turn 21 in 7 months. All of my other close friends are going through some rough times just like me and I'm trying to be there for them, but they are so far away. All the most important people in my life are many miles away and it is hard for me. I just hope you all know that I am with you and care about you and am always here for you.

School is going to get considerably easier now. No more Calculus. I just need to finish Accounting and take a Political Science class, then Sociology and Stats next semester. Thats it, then hopefully I'll never have to take General Education-type classes ever again.

I feel like my hobbies are thrust into my schedule whenever possible. I've been slacking a bit on working out and it is hard to find time/resources to make videos, but I'm doing what I can. I've been writing songs and stuff lately, so that is good. But I had to stay up till 3am just to find the time to write a good blog.

But, this girl that has come into my life is amazing. She is worth all the time I give her and I honestly have no problem spending time on the phone with her to make it work. I'm baffled and stunned and scared and excited and overwhelmed and elated all at once. I can't quite describe what is going on here, but I love it.

The campaign is coming back this weekend and I'm really hoping I can get some other videos done. I honestly just can't do much with my current computer, so thats why I want to get a new one so I can have some good editing stuff.

Also, Breast Cancer Walk this Sunday... love doing stuff like this.

The new Copeland album is saving my life. I am enamored by it.

Things are looking up for me, I just need to keep fighting.
Tags: personal, update, campaign, life, relationships, Copeland
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10/15/08 at 10:37 AM by cassusriff
For the first time, I started recording and just talked. I didn't plan out anything or write it down, I just said what was on my mind. If you are interested in seeing what I had to say, here is the video:

I'll blog more later, I'm at work now and I have to get a lot of stuff done. I just wanted to get this up so people can start watching it. I'm a guy who likes peace and doesn't like negativity, that's all there really is to it.

Also, the new Copeland may be in my top 5 for albums coming out this year. It's that good. I can't stop listening to it and this album hit me more immediately than pretty much any album this year. More thoughts later.

Thank you.
Tags: negativity, vlog, rant, copeland, thoughts, serious, personal
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10/11/08 at 07:24 PM by cassusriff
well what is this?

It's like I've fallen and landed on an earth that is heaven
my breath is short but my air is refreshing
my heart is on fire
my tears have never been clearer

the extremes
the tips of mountaintops
and the depths of ocean bottoms
i'm dancing in flames
and drinking the crisp air

And that is as far as I have gotten with that song. I tried writing some music to it to get me going and I just am not FEELING anything right now. I'm at a standstill in my lyrics because I'm not sure where I want to take them. I want to write something a bit deeper than a sappy love song, so I'm trying to delve into my poetic mind and I'm not there right now.

I want to work on some of my videos but I'm too blah to do that as well. I don't have any friends in my area and my brother is gone and I'm too tired to play video games and don't feel like watching anything. I learned a new song but my voice is kinda shot so I don't wanna record that. So I'm just lying here in silence being blah.

This is the one thing I hate about being artistic, nothing makes you feel more trapped than having a creativity block.
Tags: blah, personal, creativity, artist
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Catching Up
10/09/08 at 02:10 AM by cassusriff
First and foremost... here is me covering the song, "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New

I've always loved this song and this is just me finally getting the courage to perform it and put it up for everyone to see. Yikes!

Alright, so I am SO sorry I haven't gotten to the Razia's Shadow preview yet. I find that it is pretty much impossible for me to make videos during the week, what with working full time and going to class after work and talking to my girl and working out and eating dinner and taking care of bills and shit. I love blogging and vlogging, but I just don't have enough time Mon-Thurs. I PROMISE I will take care of it this weekend.

Anyway, if you read both RyanFTW's blog and mine, you'll know that we have a cool collaboration coming up. I'm pretty stoked about this. I think it's a different and fun way to reach out to people and the possibilities really are endless.

Anyway, it's been an up and down week, Jack's Mannequin's "Swim" is really keeping me going this week. Such an inspirational and beautiful song. Anyway, I'm gonna head to bed and deal with the inevitable shitty combination of work then calculus tomorrow. Cheers!
Tags: video, brand new, cover, plans, jacks mannequin, swim, personal
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10/07/08 at 10:05 PM by cassusriff
I've been searching for something real and tangible. Something strong and everlasting. Something that bends but never breaks. Something that folds but never tears.

I've sought this out in material and friends and experiences and family and false hope and fake love.

I've believed and believed even when I don't believe. I've seen what has been invisible to me. I've touched what isn't even there. I've done this, knowing... but really, hoping, that it would appear one day. That my blind faith would reward me and I could finally ride on cloud 9 with karma by my side.

What I've discovered is that it does exist, but it doesn't mean that life unfolds so easily after you find it. I've discovered that though you can have one very bright light guide you through a cave, you will still find darkness in some areas.

I've discovered that happiness comes with sacrifice, dedication, strength.

But you know what I also have discovered?

Purity. Clarity. Trust. Compassion. Love. Strength. Commitment. Peace. Euphoria.

I've seen it all in her eyes.

So the fight is worth it. No one will understand the battle. No one will understand the pain and the struggle. No one will understand why it's all worth it.

But the best part?

No one else will get to feel the reward. No one else will know how much it really is worth it. No one will know how great it feels to have what you fight so hard for.

And when that time comes for me, I will never regret a single bad moment I had to experience to get there.

Because it really is worth it.
Tags: personal, poetry
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Things are working out...
10/01/08 at 01:03 AM by cassusriff
So you might notice that I have the Razia's Shadow preview as a private entry. I just had to compile all the info so I could get working on the blog and vlog preview I'm preparing. To clarify, I don't have an advance copy or anything, but I'm going to present all the info from all over the place in one nicely wrapped preview that is sure to get you stoked. Should be up by the end of this week.

So I decided to can the Fall TV preview because the videos had a short shelf life. Previewing an album a few weeks ahead of time or reviewing an album makes for a more watchable product. Not to mention that there are fewer spoiler alerts. So after this Razia's Shadow preview I'm probably going to roll out a top 5 countdown of albums I'm feeling that match certain criteria (ex: top five pop punk albums of 2008, top 5 albums to blast in the car with windows down, etc). Then, if I EVER get a review posted on AP.net, I'll do a vlog version of it as well. haha.

So that's all the business stuff. Personally, my life is pretty swell. I think I'm able to say that because I worked out again tonight after a layoff that was much too long. I realized that I've become a bit dependent on the endorphins that come with my daily workouts, which explains why I was beginning to unravel last night.

Can't stress enough how stoked I am about this girl that has come into my life. She made a music video of the song "Bruises" by Chairlift. This video is edited really nicely, makes her look amazing, and makes me look like a fool.

I'm in my last week of training for my new position at Blue Shield. I'm excited to see how fast I can move up in this department, I seem to catch on pretty fast.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'll catch up with you guys later. Thanks again to everyone who reads my blogs or watches my videos, means the world to me!

Tags: razia's shadow, plans, top 5 countdown, music, personal, relationships, vlogs, blogs
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Climbing the Charts
09/30/08 at 05:51 PM by cassusriff
Guess who's climbing the AP leaderboard as far as blog views?

That's right, I'm currently sitting pretty at the #14 most viewed blog on the site. Considering that I've been on this site for only about a year, that's pretty awesome. I'm really enjoying blogging and starting to expand my horizons a bit. Thank you all for the support and I'll keep posting!

Also, get ready for the Razia's Shadow preview, I'll have that video up soon!
Tags: blogs, views, top blogs, me, personal, razia's shadow, preview, thanks
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Cribs: Middle Class
09/29/08 at 07:43 AM by cassusriff
I decided I would have a little fun and give a tour of my apartment Cribs style and give people a quick glance into my life. I'll get to my music reviews and other stuff soon, just wanted to have a little fun. Enjoy! This video features music by Gym Class Heroes, Ludo, Death Cab For Cutie, and Cute Is What We Aim For.

Tags: parody, video, personal, fun, entertainment, apartment, tour, cribs, music
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