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my dinosaur life and why I love it.
04/21/10 at 07:17 PM by tomakebelieve
originally posted on my tumblr, but I wanted to post it here, too.


This idea struck me after getting to see the latest Motion City Soundtrack tour three times. I feel incredibly blessed, because this was just the right tour to see, and I spent this tour with some of my closest friends in the pit singing along. In hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have been drunk the first two nights, but life… well, it happens.
My real history with Motion City Soundtrack doesn’t honestly start until December 2006. I didn’t really start going to shows until that year. I spent the five months before becoming acquainted with them, and I absolutely loved them. For being so close to Minnesota, I was very late on the Motion City train. I saw their Christmas show at First Avenue that year. It was an experience I will never forget for many different reasons. I actually owe knowing one of my best friends to a common bond through Motion City Soundtrack.
I’m being honest—I adore Motion City, but this is the first album (My Dinosaur Life) that just understands me one hundred percent as a person. I do think that the songs have different meanings that what I have interpreted them to mean to me—but that is the beauty of this album. In my opinion, this album molds into what you need it to be. So for some, this album is a drive real fast down the highway with the windows down album, and for others, this album is something they connect with emotionally on some level.
So here is a song by song, track by track interpretation of this album. This album defines me as a twenty-one year old girl who is insecure, alone, but figuring things out for the first time in forever. This album makes me feel honest and humble of where I have been and where I will be going. This album is my swan song. Perhaps you will feel the same way I do in some of the interpretations because a lot of my problems with growing up are normal. We are all different people, but essentially the same things plague us just in different manifestations. For me, I am a twenty one year old recovering from self hate, self harm, and a depression that rears its ugly head whenever I wish it would walk away. I’ve been in a state of falling apart and coming back together for a long time now. I’ve also been in state of loving the lie I lead. I don’t like coming off as anything but confident and self-assured, but deep down inside, I’m just… scared.
I wrote this all in one night. It took me a while. I read through the lyrics, listened to the album, picked out lines I loved the most, and then I did the only thing I know how to do---I wrote what I felt. If you read this, I thank you for reading something so personal. I also thank you for reading something so long. I guess what sparked my idea to do this was one too many tweets sharing that I loved this album for many reasons, and finally, I read a blog that explained a different album by a band called Anberlin that left me in awe. I may not have put in the same research, but, this isn’t the same kind of interpretation or analysis. This is just me typing words I wish I always had the guts to say.
My Dinosaur Life’s tracks are as follows…
01. Worker Bee
“I’m through with the old school so let’s commence the winning.”
I feel like I grew as a person a lot more in the past year than I have in any other year of my life. I did a lot of thing that I had been waiting for a good long while. I finally ventured away from the Midwest for a dose of the East Coast. I met new friends, and I kept old ones that are dear to me. I came out of my shell, and I feel like it really was the best year I could have been last year.
Despite my opening positive statements, I don’t feel like this song entirely shows that it’s about life growing in the best possible way, and as much as I like to ignore it, well, last year wasn’t every step forward it should have been. I felt like I really learned how to act “happy” and how to act “content.” In essence, I do feel like I deserve some sort of prize for finally making everyone stop worrying. I learned the ultimate balance and control aspect of my personality---which is proving to everyone that I am doing something right, but deep inside, I am still scared and alone. I think the reason Worker Bee makes me feel like it is about that exact subject is line: “now that old wounds are resurfacing too it makes me feel golden.”
But I know in my life that I’m sick and tired of being seen as the little girl who can’t, and now I am ready to just accomplish something. Let’s commence the winning.

02. A Lifeless Ordinary (Need A Little Help)
“But to be honest there's a part of me that loses control.”
I am incredibly blessed. This last year has proven that I have more friends that I ever really honestly realized. I am a girl who typically feels alone and isolated. Like stated above, I’m not as bubbly as I pretend. This past year has taught me that I am not alone, and it has also taught me I have some favorable aspects to my personality. There’s a reason to keep me around and afloat in even the deepest water.
But here’s the number one problem to realizing you have friends you can turn to—learning how to trust them and also trust yourself to ask for some help. It’s a dangerous situation letting someone know the scariest part of your insides. For me, the scariest part is the part that loses control, and when I lose control, I gain it back in the only way I know which is to harm every inch of integrity I have.
This song to me is a song acknowledging that I am afraid to ask for help, but also, to realize, that I need help. For the most part, I can take care of myself. I’m an independent human being who makes their own decisions, climbs into buses and takes their trips to La La Land (or Chicago, personally), and also, I am a human being who needs to realize when I lose control. I don’t want someone to hold my hand, which is what the line, “All this empathy is starting to wear me down,” reminds me of.
I thoroughly enjoy the last part of this song when the vocals start to break down and all of the layers start to build. It just reminds you on how complex people really are. It reminds you of complex relationships with people are, too.

03. Her Words Destroyed My Planet
“I stall before I start anything at all.”
This song to me has the same concept as Anberlin’s Dismantle. Repair. It is a reminder that our words are more vicious than we even realize. We can tear down people we once loved at some point in time just because that is what we feel is adequate after someone screwing us over. I know I am guilty of it.
I shouldn’t be guilty of it, because I feel like my entire high school years were a jumble of not being understood and the words I would sometimes hear from people, whether it was directly or indirectly. In high school, I was made fun of a lot. I was well liked, but I was a target of gossip between my friends. It makes you not want to trust anyone. I can just remember so many rumors about me that weren’t true. It never made it to the popular crowd, and honestly, I was nowhere near any inch of popularity, but even having a muddy name to twenty people is hell in a time of growing up and trying to figure yourself out. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had something strong to keep me grounded, but I didn’t .I wasn’t just getting torn down in school…. I was getting torn down at home. We had a highly complex family life. My father was always near death, and my mother was just overloaded. Things happened. I’m not blaming anyone, but I wish at times I would have been as lucky as my friends who had it easier.
It continued that way for a long time. I would be repaired for a few short moments, and then, it would just vanish. Any part of self-respect I had would disappear. A sea of people took my integrity, and it took me until last year to reclaim it.
Also, this song with the lines, “the things that used to mean so much to me...
have gone the way of dinosaurs, hopes and dreams, and everything,” just reminds me of the last few months after my father died. I just couldn’t find pleasure in anything. Pleasure went extinct, and I felt like it was entirely all my fault.
I still do.
04. Disappear
“I can disappear anytime I want to.”
This is the first track that grabbed my attention, because naturally, it was one of the first ones released (Note: I suck at following news, so this may very well have been the first or last, but it’s the first one for me!). It felt so angry. I indentified with it instantly.
If I remember correctly, when I heard this, I was having one of those moments where I couldn’t trust anyone, and I just wished I could get rid of everyone and anything in my life. I wish I didn’t have moments like that. My life is one big thunderstorm. There’s so much drama and rage in all of the lightning bolts that I throw at myself and others. I’m an angry Greek God demanding to be loved but not too closely.
When I was sixteen, I had made a silent decision to actually disappear. I agreed I would save up just enough money, and then, I would do what I could to disappear. I would just daydream about starting all over and all alone in some foreign place. I don’t know why that always came up in my mind, or that I eventually worked out a plan (that I chickened out on), but maybe that’s why I like this song so much. It’s angry. It’s fast. And it talks about starting over again like a phoenix bird rising from the ashes after choosing to die.
05. Delirium
“Cause I am that naive a myriad of bright ideas.”
This is my favorite track off of My Dinosaur Life. I love the repetition. Repetition is actually one of my favorite things to discuss when I would examine a piece of writing in high school. For me, every time a word or phrase is repeated, it gains even more strength than it previously had. And with the repetition in this song, it really reminds me of a time I’d like to forget.
I wasn’t very smart. I was eighteen, and I was done with life. So, I ended it. Or I tried to end it. I spent three days doing the same things: wake up, take medicine, eat some hospital food, go to morning therapy, take a nap, have some lunch, go to afternoon therapy, go to arts and crafts, have dinner, watch tv with other people who made me very scared, and then fall asleep. It was the worst three days of my life. I was the youngest girl in the psych ward because I was barely an adult. I was too old to be with the juveniles, and yet, I felt too young to be around recovering thirty something alcoholics, or worse, I felt really paranoid around the “tame” schizophrenics.
The imagery in this song just takes me back to those three days.
06. History Lesson
“But the current pulled us down and the smallest ones would drown.”
This is actually the song I feel the least when I listen to it. It seems like a fairly straightforward concept to me. The people who have plagued you before are now trying to figure out your broken soul.
But you’ve been broken so much that you really can’t exist anymore. They know you better than you know yourself because they are just looking for all of the negative things about you. So really, your history becomes theirs. They might ask you… where did you go wrong? And you really just want to point them to the mirror and ask “what’re you asking me for?”
Also, I am beginning to notice a common theme with water in a lot of these songs---this song mentions drowning, another song mentions storms… Water itself is a crazy thing when it is a liquid. It can pool together and become something very big (an ocean), or it could just be on small, insignificant drop. Which one are you?
07. Stand Too Close
“They say I’m great at first but then the magic fades.”
I’ve expressed it before, and I really do a great job acting like most things are perfect. I have so many walls that I have built up. I don’t mean to build up a fortress, but that’s just how I have been for years. I just don’t like it when the moat fails and the walls crumble. I just feel like any part of me that is appealing just runs away when it’s just… me. I need my suit of armor, and I would like to feel safe in it all the time. Though, I want to learn how to be vulnerable in the most human way. I crave it, and so I’m stuck on a teeter-totter of deciding to crumble or build more walls.
Also, I feel like this song relates heavily to Her Words Destroyed My Planet and History Lesson. It’s like the final say on just wanting to trust someone one last time or trusting someone new.
08. Pulp Fiction
“I’m torn in opposite directions.”
This is my favorite song on the album musically. I can never get sick of this beat, and I like how smooth Justin’s vocals sound on this track.
This track to me feels like it’s about being in love with something that is no good at all. At times, it’s not that bad of a picture, though a little boring (something from the back of a magazine), but then it turns into the worst situation you can picture--a slasher film with heavy amounts of blood and death and loss. And I think this is where you begin to become torn in opposite directions… Do you end this relationship for your sanity? Or do you stay where you are? Perhaps it’s not even about a relationship with a person, but your relationship with yourself. Are you going to keep it up with the self hate, or are you finally going to get help? Are you your poision? What if when you’re “well” you bore yourself so much that you would rather have some drama? Are you happier being depressed and interesting than boring and irrelevant? Do you like self destructing after ten seconds?
I feel like out of all of my interpretations, this one is the most off.
09. @!#?@!
“So don't think you know a thing about a thing you know nothing about.”
This song is fairly straight forward, and I have nothing to chime in about this song except, I really did beat the Ocarina of Time in early 99, and that I play this song when I have a particularly difficult customer at work. This song is a healthy way to say “fuck you” to conventional living.
10. Hysteria
“Hysteria, hysteria, it's happening again.”
I worry all the time that it’s going to get that bad again. I worried about it all the time after my father died. After my father died, I would stay up late at night worrying about everything. Before, I used to have no fears about death or dying, and now my heart beats until I literally cannot breath and I have to calm myself down from all of the hysteria I am currently feeling. I just have so much trouble wrapping my head around the idea that someday we just stop existing.
It takes one mistake to get me back into my old habits. It takes one dull blade, and I can literally spend at least a few days worrying that things are going to get bad, and I think that’s the real difference from when I was younger and who I am now. Instead of worrying about if things will ever get better, I just worry about if they will get bad again.
I don’t want to die. I never wanted to die. I don’t want to push you away, and I don’t want to feel this way again. Steady breaths. Steady conscious.
11. Skin And Bones
“What if there is no point at all?”
The “what if” questions are what I think of before bed. What if I never fall in love? What if I die alone? What if this is just a dream? I don’t think it’s normal to not constantly question the present, mainly, because I’ve always questioned it.
This song works great after Hysteria. You spend five minutes panicking, and those five minutes make you start to question everything.
12. The Weakends
“How many lives I've wasted waiting for the perfect time to start.”
Here it is again—the element of water. This time it’s pouring rain, and it’s ruining your life. There are the weak parts of you, and they have a chance to drown as they go down the drain. You have a chance to get rid of the things that are ruining you, and you have a chance to get into some dry clothes. You don’t have to be in the storm anymore.
I feel hopeless but hopeful when I listen to this song. This song reminds me of how dark my life can be at times. I may have a few bright moments, a few bright ideas, and then I have a curve ball hit me and I’m back down at the weakest point. But then, I know that I am determined to keep on living. I have so many reasons to go out and fight back in the pouring rain, because eventually, I can come back inside.
And inside I am ready to face the world. Inside I am ready to put on some dry clothes, and I am finally ready to send my insecurities down the drain.

So overall, this album to me means realizing you have a problem (hey Houston: we have a big mess on our hands). It means finding the darkest parts of your soul, but really, it also means finding your highest points. Life is a journey. For me, it’s taken twenty one years to get to where I am, but I am ready and confident to take over the world. Maybe I will relapse. Maybe I will just fight back in the pouring rain, but I know that I have things to take care of me. I have people in my life who wish the best for me. I have music in my life. This music is real and honest. This music reminds me that I am not alone. I think I can figure it out, but I am gonna need all the help my friends and music can give me.
In conclusion, this album might only mean those things to me, but this is something I feel deeply connected to. This is my love letter to the album My Dinosaur Life. I hope you enjoyed it.
I also just wanted to add a paragraph here and thank Motion City Soundtrack. Thank you for writing this album. Thank you for having that Christmas show at First Avenue back in 2006. Thank you for taking Sing It Loud on tour because they were a big part of last year for me (even if I am some insignificant fan). Thank you for this last tour you put on because it brought me back to my life before I started to fight back in the pouring rain (which made me feel really grateful and humble and happy and everything else I can’t express because words fail me). Thank you for that one time you played in Duluth with the Spill Canvas and Sing It Loud, which was the tour that re-installed my love of music (after losing it when my dad died), and that tour made me go to more tours and start to rebuild myself. Thank you for writing the song LG FUAD, and also, thank you for everything else that I am forgetting to say.
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attention bands: make more anthems.
02/05/10 at 11:48 AM by tomakebelieve
originally posted on my tumblr, but i thought it deserves a place here.

Last night, Jasmine called me and we spoke for about two hours. We had a very good conversation about music and why some albums with certain bands are “better” (by our tastes at least!). And it just made me think.

The reason the Academy Is can’t write another album that seems to strike a chord with nearly everyone is because… they stopped writing anthems. They stopped writing about things that people could relate to. Sure, you can relate to cute little pop songs about girls/boys, but it doesn’t really strike a chord with you. Maybe I am just a bitter little girl who hasn’t spent more time being single and pining for people she can’t have than actually being with someone. But love songs? They may be fun to sing along to, but, will I remember those songs in ten years? Not really.

Example:

You and me forever
Forever young
We’re forever

vs.

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
hey you, who are you kidding?
I’m not like them. I won’t buy in.


Note to serious Academy Is fans—I’m one, too. I just can’t relate to Fast Times. Maybe other songs aren’t cute “aww I like you” songs, but I can’t hear that. All I hear is an album that sounds like it was written in high school specifically for the high school girls. However, Santi has some good gems… but Almost Here? That entire album defines me. I guess that’s why I am most excited for Saturday (five years)! Yes, I am travelling about 7 hours to go to the Metro show.

was thinking about it. The Academy Is isn’t the only band who has this problem. It’s also a problem with a few more bands. Here’s one more example:

the All American Rejects (whose 2002 self-titled album summarized my angst with the opposite sex in a way that seemed a little deeper. the next album had a few jams but honestly, the newest album.. I can’t even listen to it the whole way through enjoyably.)

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I’m gone
This is the last song


that’s perfect. and this? this is a legit lyric from the newest album.


I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me



And my other example is one band who gets it quite right. Motion City Soundtrack has yet to fail me in writing anthem after anthem. These are the songs that amplify your anger, quell your fears, and they make you feel like infinite.

Particularly..

I wanna know what it’s like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah


and…

First you breathe out
Then you have to breathe in
Lash yourself repeatedly
Until it sticks, until it sticks

Nearly all of my albums I will love until the test of time (Acceptance - Phantoms, Armor for Sleep - What To Do When You Are Dead, Fall Out Boy - Take this To Your Grave, the Graduate - Anhedonia, etc) are all albums that had enough anthem songs to keep my heart beating. They were songs that made me feel like I could breathe no matter what was choking my air. I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but these are the albums that understood my teenage alienation to the point of where I realized I wasn’t alone. If someone had written a lyric that was me in a nutshell, I knew that I had a place on the world that is so seemingly large but small at the same time.

So I guess my memo is… Bands: Write more anthems. Make my heart swell. Make me feel like I have both of my feet on the ground. Don’t write me silly little diddys I won’t remember in a few years.. Just write me an anthem.
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all my friends read everything I do and I say
01/29/10 at 09:07 PM by tomakebelieve
2010 is becoming an interesting year. It hasn't even really started yet, but I seem to have kept myself occupied nearly every day. I kept busy as the new year rang in with work and time spent with friends I've had for years. I left for Baltimore on the 9th of January. The day before I spent in the city of Chicago, and I went to Angels and Kings.

I drank and drank that night. It felt good feeling like I have no real responsibilities. I hate that I always have to project myself as the one who makes better decisions. I just want to have a night every once in a while where I fuck up big time. Why can't I? I never had that during high school. I didn't have it when I was nineteen or twenty... But I feel like I can have it now.

I don't have anything else to say... just that I hope this year keeps up the pace.
Tags: alcohol, baltimore, 2010
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the downpour.
08/19/09 at 09:38 PM by tomakebelieve
The rain today gave me a lot of chances to think, and I was in the car with a good friend. I can just remember mentioning how much I enjoyed music videos set in cold settings (Armor for Sleep - Car Underwater, for example), and I just got so much more enthusiastic about music than I had been the last few months. I can just remember saying...

"FUCK, that just reminds me of how much emotion I feel when I listen to that album... you know, especially during Remember to Feel Real... I heard that opening for the first time, and I knew I just couldn't wait for that clean break from the current set of friends I had from that time period..."

And that song, that album, just convey so much more than I remembered until today. I remember staying up, 'trying' to fall asleep, with the album blaring in the background of the mess inside my head. I can't even remember most of high school--it's one big blur of bad choices, mistakes, and sleeping way more than I needed to. I remember being co-dependent on nearly everyone, then quickly drifting away once I realized I fucked up and wanted everything to remain in secret. Since, high school, my life has been one big moment where I get clingy for a while, then I slowly drift away. I don't even allow myself to be clingy with new people. It just hurts too much to remember everything (so here's the truth, you were right all along, they were never my friends, and I was living a lie).

The thought hadn't even processed in my brain until I said how much emotion I felt through that album.

I can tell I haven't been able to write anything decently lately. This is all becoming one big mash of thoughts, emotions, and memories of a time gone by. But those times have affected me, and it took an album I thought didn't mean that much to me to realize.

Always had a soft spot for Armor for Sleep, but now, I can clearly see why.



P.s. I saw Blink last night, and it was amazing. I wish I was less of an awkward person, but whatever. You win some, you lose some, I guess. I don't even know.
Tags: slight mention of blink, armor for sleep, what to do when you are dead, mistakes
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the east coast is beautiful. and baltimore is quiet and cold.
07/13/09 at 10:04 AM by tomakebelieve
I never traveled further from home than Chicago up until a few days ago. About a month ago, I got this bright-eyed idea to just go crazy and take an Amtrak out to my friend's house in Baltimore. I stayed up as late as I could on the train and watched as the states passed by. We travelled through Indiana and Ohio before I began to pass out. I woke up in West Virginia and fell in the love with the scenery.

My train dropped me off in Washington, D.C. I had four hours before my train to BWI. I smiled to myself and took a chance to just walk around. Even the train station was fascinating to me. I stepped outside and stayed in this cute little park. I watched people walk by, and I marveled that I made it to the East Coast in one piece. I finally got a chance to really travel. It was one of my goals back in high school... travel and go somewhere amazing and new and scary and oh my god.

This adjustment to the East Coast has been made easier by the fact that I am seeing a bunch of "familiar" tours that make it easy to enjoy the new friends, the new company, and the new highways. I'm extremely blessed that my friend Briana has been such a gracious host and gone with me to a few tours she normally wouldn't. We caught All Time Low on Saturday and This Providence just last night. Weightless is so impressive live and My Beautiful Rescue still makes me feel like everything is going to turn out one hundred percent okay. Tomorrow I am going to Warped Tour to see my friend Jasmine work her booth, and then on Thursday having a dance party seeing the Audition. On Friday, my friend is introducing me to the local scene, and I couldn't be more excited. I'm seeing the Ocean on Wednesday, and exploring D.C. on Saturday before I make my way back home.

This is such a beautiful experience.
Tags: not in the midwest, east coast, travel
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it's been a while.
04/28/09 at 08:00 PM by tomakebelieve
I haven't written anything in weeks. It's weird. My life's been really crazy since the start of April.

I caught two tour dates of the Copeland tour on the tenth and eleventh. It was awesome. This Providence was good as usual. Copeland was mind blowing, and I ended up being amazed during Paper Route's set. That EP of theirs is so good. I will be investing in their new full length next paycheck of mine. Broke already =(

I also caught two nights of the Dangerous Summer/Sparks the Rescue/This Time Next Year. TTNY makes me miss 2*sweet and Chicago shows where everyone knows everybody. Sparks was awesome. The Dangerous Summer was fantastic. They are going to get huge.

Also caught two dates of the Guys Guys Guys tour. It's nice/awesome seeing Sing it Loud. Every time is a party. I don't have many bands in my life that make me feel like a kid again and where I sing along to all of the songs (and a SIL/MCS show was probably one of the first few times I felt fine after my dad died). SIL shows are also always special because I get to see my little sister have a good time. Family's gotten so important to me over the year. It's weird, really.
Tags: family, april: the month of tours, sing it loud
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taking chances
03/17/09 at 10:53 PM by tomakebelieve
a few months ago, i got this crazy idea that maybe i wanted to blog about more than just my life. no one really reads what i write anymore (which is hilarious, because when i was thirteen, i had a domain devoted to my personal blog. that was nearly 7 years ago. it actually had a substantial amount of hits, especially for you know, my whole being thirteen and not having anything significant to talk about.)

so a few months ago, i started writing little entries kept in my own e-mail. the concept is "influenced my life (didn't save it---influenced it)" and the writing is musings on different bands and musicians who have made growing up a little easier.

i still haven't decided if i wanted to want to put it on the internet, or keep it to myself. i must say, the entries are quite awesome. they are full of proper grammar, interesting syntax, and serve as good nostalgia (yes, i decided to write about Acceptance).
Tags: insecurities about my writing, musings on my 13 year old life
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anniversary.
02/20/09 at 10:13 AM by tomakebelieve
A year ago today, my father passed away. I cannot believe it has been 365 days since then.

They say you never get used to this--just that you eventually learn how to deal with it better.
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it's the saddest song i've ever written
01/17/09 at 09:19 PM by tomakebelieve
I haven't done a serious entry in a long time. I've been trying to be care free, light hearted, and ready to face the world. A few moments this week have made me flash back in the weirdest and strangest ways.

It started out with a few weeks ago. This is the precursor. The prologue. The moment that makes you realize that maybe you haven't been breaking your neck enough (to keep your chin up). In one quick moment of this girl saying. "if I didn't know any better, I would think you hate yourself," I had to decide: do I keep the charade or do I allow myself to become more entangled in who i've projected myself to be?

I think this is all why I always try to reinvent myself. This is why I don't stay in the same groups of friends for longer than a few years. In the beginning, I only allow my perfections to show, and over time, I try to let my guard down. I don't mind if you know i have a bad day, because overall, life is still great. and then I let more and more show. Eventually you are introduced to the part of me that has hit rock bottom.

This is the end.

This is the end.

I was getting a ride home with a girl from work last night. This triggered more flashbacks. I have more decisions to make. I have more flaws to hide. I have more perfections to make. I am the empty face--give me foundation, powder, mascara, blush, and lip stain. Cover me up. Cover up. Shape and sculpt.

Her: "I was wondering--why don't you date?"
Me: "Maybe after years of therapy."
Her: "I will not let you get therapy!"

I had to decide--laugh and say I won't get therapy, or swallow my throat whole and admit that I was once in very much therapy? Not one single person at work really knows my inside personal struggles. No one knows I spent three empty days in the hospital. And in the car, I made a choice.

This is still in the running of keeping my chin up.

This is the middle of the road.

I sat on the couch that night. Flashes of a memory and a time when I lived with secrecy and not so much secrecy. Days of ignoring questions about why I had such beat up arms (and heart) and nights of staying up late harming every inch of integrity I wanted to have. Days of pleading for someone's acceptance and nights of confessing things I wish hadn't ever skimmed the surface.

I am flawed.

I am flawed.

One more trigger. This time an interview with Aaron from Copeland. It makes me think--""Chin up" was inspired by a friend who would go to great lengths to put up a front of being happy with the way her life had turned out. In my head, it's the saddest song I've ever written. "

In my head, it's the song that I relate to the most at the moment.

I am breaking my neck.

I've been breaking my neck.

And I will continue to break my neck.

Keep your chin up, kid.
Tags: emotional, myselfism, decisions, chin up
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family.
12/29/08 at 09:28 PM by tomakebelieve
I've spent the last few days just chilling around my house. My work schedule has been more managable (I only have 30 hours this week versus the usual 40). I am so happy the holidays are done. Now I just need to survive inventory!

I've been spending the last two days sitting on the couch with my baby sister playing videogames. We've played everything from Cooking Mama to Rockband to Donkey Kong and even some Mario. It's days like these that remind me why I am so close to my family.

Sure, we are disfunctional, but, when we're good to each other, we are damn good to each other.
Tags: family, baby sis, hi I am a dork, videogames
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reflections, goals, and reservations.
12/28/08 at 06:55 PM by tomakebelieve
It's that time of the year: where everyone's mind is racing trying to rank how the year went and where next year exactly is going to be. Of course, that's exactly what I've been thinking about over the past few days.

2008 wasn't that bad. It had its lows (my dad's death, my family's health overall), but it definitely had its highs (the trips, standing backstage for Anberlin, making new friends). Overall the year was good, depending on the day. I won't lie and say I was entirely happy all the time. When I got in a slump, I got in a slump, but especially since September, I've done a good job this year getting out of ruts versus staying in them until I can't think straight.

Highlights:
- I got a new job with a lot of responsibility (certified bra fitter).
- I stood backstage for Anberlin, and I realized how amazing my friends are.
- I learned how to (sometimes) stand up for myself.

Lows:
- I still haven't gone back to school. The clock is ticking. Retail is not my career. This is just a day job. I need to go to school.
- My father dying so unexpectedly.
- I'm still very dependant on my mother (financially & emotionally).

But I feel very good things about 2009. A few of my goals are going to include:

- actively become a part of a charity I care about (I want to give back)
- pushing my limits and going places I didn't think I could pull off (maybe doing something related to music?)
- work on becoming healthier
- stop the constant belitting I do to myself. I am worth much more.
- go back to school

This is my year. It just has to be.
Tags: when did I become so positive?, does anyone even read this, 2008, 2009
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2008: Worst Year for Health in my family.
12/26/08 at 08:44 PM by tomakebelieve
Let's catalog all the deaths/illnesses that happened to my family during this year that feels like a decade.

January - It's official. My grandmother has glaucoma.
February - My father dies from a very sudden heart attack.
March - My sister is rushed to the ER. We find out she is allergic to some kinds of medicine (stuff that help you sleep specifically Tylenol PM).
April - My mother's cousin dies of breast cancer.
May - My brother is told he has severe anxiety issues.
June - Nothing
July - My mother falls. She shatters her shoulder and breaks her arm.
August - I get so sick that I am hallucinating.
Sept-October - Nothing
November - Told I will be legally blind by 30. Am referred to a speciailist. Now in debt so they can follow my case for a year.
December - My uncle is diagnosed with prostate cancer.

All of the sudden I want to go on a big health kick and try to be as healthy as possible. I know some things you can't prevent, but, I know doing something vs doing nothing is much better. I think I want to take a yoga class or something. It would definitely help my stress level, too.

Also, I still have my cold. I am still bitter over Christmas, and I have the huge desire to just spoon someone and never wake up.
Tags: death, holy shit, I need to get healthy
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christmas with only four.
12/25/08 at 08:19 PM by tomakebelieve
I lost my dad in February this year. He died on the 20th around 4pm. He's been dead for 10 months. It still hasn't hit me. It does from time to time, but for the most part, my feet and heart still wander to his room. I'm expecting something. Expecting him to ask me how my recent trip went (fantastic), how work is going (I wish I made more), if I wanted to take him out to dinner (I'd love to), or if I just wanted to watch tv with him (which I miss so much for some reason.)

But, he's not there. And he's not going to be there tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Or in a year from now. He's gone.

I will be honest--this was a very good Christmas. I had everything I wanted (and more) under the tree. I got to see Chicago before Christmas for a few days (a nice stress-free break). My mom was in a good mood and so was my sister, but somehow, it just didn't feel right.

I came home yesterday. I opened my gifts in silence (no lines of "Anita, we really couldn't afford that gift. I know Lindsey bats her eyes all cute, but you gotta say no to the kids sometimes!" or "Ok. Are we done with the presents now? Are we in debt enough?"). I just got to sit there angry. I'd have traded every single gift for just one minute with my dad. I don't need the new shoes, the new purse, the boots I begged for, or the dvds. I just want my dad.

But I can't change that. As much as I want, I have to get used to Christmas without him. It feels so strange.

You could tell my mom overcompensated this year. We got more gifts than needed. We had more treats than needed, and we definitely all had the same thought of wanting to resurrect my father. But we can't, unfortunately.

This Christmas could have been worse. I just miss my dad. Maybe next year it will be better.

Maybe next year I will be beautiful, not single and alone, and proud of the woman I am. Until now I am insecure, twenty years old, and trying to distract myself in ways that aren't working (I've instant messaged pretty much everyone on my buddylist. I've sent corny "merry christmas!" texts. I've watched every movie I can think of.)

I've tried to be good this Christmas, and not let this affect me but I am alone in my room now. I put on a brave front for my mother/family, and now, I just want to spoon someone (but I am pathetically single) and never wake up.
Tags: christmas, my dad, loneliness, what's the point?
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thoughts on giving back.
12/15/08 at 06:31 PM by tomakebelieve
I used to think I wasn't conceited. I used to think I wasn't spoiled, and that I was very giving. I used to give $5 every weekly paycheck to the United Way. I used to volunteer at the homeless shelter. I was active in my high school's key club, and I did recycling after school.

But since leaving high school, I haven't done anything except spend money on myself, say I want to make a change but never do anything, and the list of selflish things could unfortunately go on and on.

Hi, my name is Lindsey. I am a selfish spoiled brat. I've been beginning to realize this lately when I've been whining about not having enough money to buy all the things I want in life.

I've been opening my browser to faceless international's page for the last two weeks. Apart of me wants to sign up for a trip (the trip to Ukraine, specifically) and do something that helps other people.

I've been beginning to realize that I want to do more than just live my life to the fullest--I want to help others, too.
Tags: giving back, I'm a selfish jerk, faceless international
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life of a retail workaholic.
11/30/08 at 06:24 PM by tomakebelieve
It's that time of the year boys and girls: the holidays. The one time of year where the nation goes shopping crazy, and my hours at work become crazier and crazier.

Case in point, I worked 9 hrs today. Between the last three days, I've worked 30 hrs. Day after thanksgiving, I went into work at 3:30am. The next day, I was in at 5am. Within the last three days, I've rang in about 20,000 worth of merchandise. 65% of that was on Friday.

Today I admitted to my manager that I might be a workaholic. Just might actually be. I live for 40 hour weeks and tired feet. I am here to please, clean out fitting rooms, help you find that special gift, etc etc.

But what I cannot believe is some of the lows the industry experienced on Friday. People shooting each other, a man losing his life, a woman losing her baby... what is so important that it boiled down to that?

I for one am thankful. I didn't experience one single terrible screaming customer. Sure a few sighed from time to time but that's the worst it became.

The only problem is my schedule. Since Friday, I won't have a day off until Saturday. Every single day from last Friday to this working at least 6 hrs every day.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tags: workaholic, man I've missed retail, work work work
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