"well i only brought three, what are you looking at me for?"
"she's dressed in white and putting off crying!"
"well you're the best man so what's the plan??"
"well did you talk to matty about it??"
said "i only brought three i like you told you before. we're gonna have to ask about..."
when you learn certain truths. that maybe some stereotypes really are true.
told a story to a friend tonight that i haven't told anyone in a really long time. it never gets any easier telling it. probably because i'm still filled with shame, because i still blame myself in my heart though my head tells me over and over again that i did nothing wrong. because i'm still mad at myself for not speaking up back then. because in the world i live in, my word isn't enough. my word is only good enough for me to be branded a whore, who probably asked for it.
because in this world, even if i told that story over and over i still fear that nothing would change. that i will have relived it for nothing. FOR NOTHING. and instead of even the slightest perceptible change, all there would be is the silence after i finished speaking. and others doing what i have tried so hard to do for the last decade.
1. Jack White - Blunderbuss
2. You Blew It! - Grow Up, Dude
3. Japandroids - Celebration Rock
4. Modern Baseball - Sports
5. Brandi Carlile - Bear Creek
6. Bowerbirds - The Clearing
7. Dads - American Radass (this is important)
8. Misser - Every Day I Tell Myself I'm Going To Be A Better Person
9. Fun. - Some Nights
10. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar
11. Deer Leap - Here. Home.
12. Coping - NOPE
13. The Dandelion War - We Were Always Loyal To Lost Causes
14. Pentimento - Pentimento
15. Brendan Rivera - No Ocean in Ireland
16. The Early November - In Currents
17. Pswingset - All Our False Starts
18. Dowsing - It's Still Pretty Terrible
19. Joie De Vivre - We're All Better Than This
20. Dreamend - And the Tears Washed Me, Wave After Cowardly Wave
21. Duck. Little Brother, Duck! - Don't Take Our Filth Away
Arrows In Her - Leaving
Swear and Shake - Maple Ridge
If These Trees Could Talk - Red Forest
The Spill Canvas - Gestalt
i forgot how much i like it. i've been kinda twitchy the past couple days, happens when i go up north, because i'm still getting used to the new north, the one where i don't spend all my money and free time smoking weed. it was pretty agonizing this morning after my mom and i picked up my aunt from the hospital. fuck, i felt so bad inside, and i just wanted to escape. funny how that works, my damn brain, after seeing the end result of my aunt's last bender and still wanting to deal with it like that. instead i drank another cup of coffee, sat with my parents a bit, and took a nap until it was time to go to the st. bona basketball game (80-75 W over Niagara, aww yeeeah).
so yeah, my aunt: my aunt looked like a little kid who knew she got caught fucking up. she was shaky, dying for a cigarette, embarrassed. the drive back to her house took about 45 minutes, and my mom and i spent as much of it as we could talking to her. i tried to tell her my story, who i was back then, what happened, and how i am now. how much better life is, but that yeah, being sober sometimes really sucks because all the problems in your life are still there and there's nothing to help you hide from them. that it wouldn't be easy, but all she had to do was one thing at a time, one day at a time. i'd like to think she heard me. i'm her goddaughter. she always told me i was supposed to be hers, how she held me as a baby in one arm and thought i was just the best fucking thing ever.
anyway. i forgot how much i like being of service, particularly being the designated driver. after all the times i needed to be driven home, or worse, said i would drive and drank until i couldn't, it just feels really, really good to be in control and able to help my brother and his gf celebrate her birthday safely. plus, unlike me, my brother is a happy, fun drunk. so they got to go do their thing and not make some stupid decision like i forced my ex-wife to make far too many times.
it's times like this i realize why i do this, why i have stuck with sobriety. there is just no other feeling like it. i feel good about myself. i'm helping, trying to give back what was so freely given to me. i'm being of service.
i'm waiting on a phone call from my aunt right now. she's in the hospital on a hold until she sobers up because she's tried to kill herself twice this week. my mom doesn't drive on highways so i volunteered to go pick her up. my mom is at the end of her rope with this. my mom's the baby, five years younger than her sister, and yet today she had to lay into her like she was her mother. except my grandmother never would have yelled at her like that because she was a drunk too and always bailed her out figuratively, and literally a few times.
sometimes i wish there was a god to pray to, that existed, to come rescue my aunt from her disease, her addiction. it'd make this a whole lot fucking easier. but instead, there's a younger sister and a goddaughter coming to save her. save isn't even the right word. going to get her, to take her home, put her to bed. i'm kind of scared of what happens next, when we leave and she's alone in her house again, with all the time in the world and all those bad feelings she's had her entire life.
god the hardest part of it is knowing what to do when you have free time, when your mind can wander. you either have to sit with your feelings, no matter how awful they are, and just deal with them...or find a way to keep busy. and the people who haven't quit drinking are the ones keeping busy with the alcohol.
i want to save her but i can't. there's no one to save her but herself. maybe this time, this week, is what she needed to finally change. maybe she's finally gotten to where those of us in recovery all got to: we just couldn't live another day like that, another day the way we were going. i could not live another fucking day feeling as sad and out of control as i did. i would have done anything to just wake up feeling not so fucking sad. and for me, anything = anti-depressants and total abstinence from alcohol. i have my days. like today, where man i would just love to buy a six pack and let 'er rip.
but i can't. i can't. if i take a drink, i'll drink the whole thing, then drink the whole six pack, then go get more until i'm passed out or dead.
if i take a drink, i'll end up like my aunt.
it's really as simple as that.
update: they won't let her leave until she talks to a shrink or whatever. she told us she lost a whole day, thought today was thanksgiving. fuck. if this is what it takes to get her to stop, then so be it.
the last alcoholic beverage i ever drank was a new belgium 2º below zero. i don't remember how it tasted anymore. that was three years ago yesterday. november 16, 2009 was the first day of my new life. it sounds cliche, but it is entirely true. in three years i've gone from a barely functioning alcoholic in a dead-end relationship to an awake, aware, contributing person in the best relationship i have ever had with a woman i'm head over heels for. i have hobbies. i LIKE things. it's not, let's get booze and then we'll see what comes next. no hangovers. no waking up with a terrible feeling that i embarrassed myself or people i know with my actions or words. that i might have actually endangered someone.
i am alive, and i am happy.
if you are reading this, know that what seems impossible is in fact possible. that you can truly do anything if you work for it. there is hope. there is a future. the hardest part is asking for help in the first place.
even though i never had one of those, specifically.
i wasn't born with tact. i was born with a short fuse. once you figure out how to push any of my buttons, it's all over for me. you will be hit with the rage of a thousand pissed off geese, and god help you if you are in my path. quick to anger and no tact, a winning combination.
naturally this leads to problems, in real life and online. happened last weekend. nearly happened today. i'd like to think i do a decent job of moderating on this site, because i started out as just another member of the community. i know the people in it, when they are serious, when they are fucking around. or at least most of the time i do. the only reason i ever wanted this job was to delete the myriad of bullshit spam and troll accounts that were popping up back in the day. everything else was just extra.
somewhere in the last month or two that's all changed for me. probably because people figured out how to push my buttons, and i let them. i don't think i want this job anymore, or at least most of what it entails. i wonder if i could just have a regular old bold name and still be allowed to delete spam. i'm the only one who does most of the time anyway. all the people who think i'm a cunt can take that to heart. and blame Eda, she gave me this job.
i don't even know what the point of this is. i think i'm just really, really tired of a lot of bullshit, feels like every judgment call i make lately is the wrong fucking one and infinite amounts of bitching ensue. so i'm gonna take a step back and just focus on bots selling prada and dick pills.
1. You Blew It! - Grow Up, Dude
2. Brandi Carlile - Bear Creek
3. Jack White - Blunderbuss
4. Japandroids - Celebration Rock
5. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar
6. Bowerbirds - The Clearing
7. fun. - Some Nights
8. Brendan Rivera - No Ocean in Ireland
9. The Spill Canvas - Gestalt
10. If These Trees Could Talk - Red Forest