Sitting here, my brain fried after hours of astronomy reading, I contemplate where my life is going. And I realize: of all the possible ways it could go -- I'm scared of them all. As much as I love college, I long to be done with it. Done with the restraints of classes and tests and papers that swallow up so much time. Done with the structure in learning college creates. Done with taking notes faster than the speed of light, while sometimes wondering 'When the hell am I going to need to know this?' However, I'm scared to be done with school, because then what? Real life. A job, a career, adult friends, business casual clothes, a corporate job... scary. When the decisions I make have a bigger weight than I can even really comprehend while in the bubble from real life we call academia.
Thinking about all of this takes me back to the never-ending debate going on internally every hour of the day. That is: 'What the hell do I want out of life?'. This I know: to create meaning, to do something that creates a positive impact bigger than myself, to fall in love, to make a lot of money, to always be growing and learning. But what is the best course of action to go about getting all that I want? Will I ever get all that I want?
I guess it's natural my brain ends up pondering the bigger questions after studying the stars.
Here I am, it's just past 3 a.m. I'm awake (still) when I have a shift in the morning (again). 20 years old, I find myself in front of the same website screen I did countless times as a 15 year old. Hopefully, this time my thoughts are a bit more well-constructed and thought-out (and less, well, melodramatic). Thinking about the person I was at 15 and the kinds of blogs I was righting, what's different? I'm a little wiser, a little more experienced, I have a little more clarity into the kind of person I am. Given that, there are still more similarities than I'd like to admit: insecurities I haven't gotten over, character flaws I haven't overcome, and I still don't really know all that much about the kind of person I am. Ah, well. Hopefully in asking these questions means I'm at least on the right path, huh?
My hopes in writing in a blog again is to just write informally a little bit every once in a while. To write something just free-flow as opposed to a history essay or newspaper story or things of the sort. Something where I can hone my writing skills and sort of help shape my thoughts as they take form, I guess.
Hopefully this is something I can actually keep up.