I guess I shouldn't have made blog entry 3. Had a terrible dream the other night. more accurately, a nightmare. It seemed to be sometime in the future. and it was really fucking scary... because it's all so very possible. real. way too real.
I think the scariest part... is that it may not have been too far into the future.
on march 11, 2011, i was told that my mom had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. The past 5 months have been painful. Painful in more ways than one. everything becomes more meaningful, i think about things a lot more (especially my mom), and life just seems so ... indescribable. I really don't know how to explain it, and I hope no one ever understands what I mean.
Today i went golfing with my dad, my uncle and a friend of mine. at around the 14th hole, my roommate texted me telling me that there had been a breakthrough in an ALS finding. After hesitating a bit --about a hole later, i didn't want to get anyones hopes up-- i told my dad what my roommate had said. he took it with a grain of salt for about 1 minute. we took out our phones, googled the discovery, and found that it was legitimate news. Fox News, USA Today, plenty of other sites explaining that researchers have "found common cause of ALS". needless to say, this is GREAT fucking news. i felt chills in the back of my head run down my spine and down to my feet
we cried. my dad began to read from his phone, and he cried. he couldn't hold back the tears. i know its been tough on him even more than myself. its hard to put myself in his shoes. he's loved this woman since he was a junior in high school. i can't imagine how good it felt for HIM. trust me, it felt overwhelmingly great for me, but it just seems like a whole different ball game for him.
we didn't want to get too excited. it is not a cure, but its one step closer. you can't fix something if you don't know what the problem is. we now KNOW what the problem is. this is GREAT FUCKING news, but we've got some way to go. i cannot express how hard i have been trying to keep from getting too excited. we flew through the last 4.5 holes, not giving a damn about our scores. running from green to tee box. i just wanted to get home and hug my mom and cry. i've cried more in the past 5 months than i had in the previous 15 years. its tough. but i cannot describe the feeling. the feeling of hope. it's amazing, but it sucks. its HOPE
that's the whole problem with hope. it is just that. HOPE. it doesn't mean anything is solved, but there's hope. i just want to cry. i cant explain or express my feelings right now. its a damn roller coaster ride that we've been on for 5 months. good news, bad news, good news, bad news, okay news, bad news, good news. it is unbelievable. even now after this great discovery i still have to keep myself calm and not too excited, because we don't know whats coming next
it's just one step for us -- be it a very big step. one step closer. fingers crossed. keep praying. HOPE