"Good girls always go for the bad boys and the good guys like me always get screwed"
I guess he was right, in a manner of speaking. But his generalizations had nothing to do with me.
"Yeah, that'd make sense if I was anywhere near a "good girl"," I said.
I don't even know how I meant it other than I wouldn't classify myself as inherently "good". I'm working on it, but I'm not quite there yet.
He look at me for a minute and scoffed.
"Yeah, I guess not if you're going to do this to me". Then he called me a bitch.
I'm so sick of this friendzoning bullshit and this classification of people into good and bad based on it. Maybe I'm a good person, or maybe i'm just bad, but at the end of the day I still do not want you and that decision has no bearing on who I am as a person.
My friends basically ignore me for a month. I'm furious. I'm upset. I'm alone and going through a lot right now. It just isn't a good time.
I plan a confrontation; things cannot go on like this. I've spent too much time being treated like shit by these people. I need to start standing up for myself.
I get a call. "Well, I haven't heard from you either... lets hang out". All the friendship goes both ways crap is irrelevant when it has always been a one way street. I want to say so many things. I wanted to just ignore the call to begin with.
Why didn't I just ignore the call?
So many things I want to say. But I hold my tongue. I say, "Yeah, I'm free tonight."
I just don't want to be alone. I'm such a fucking push over.
I love pop punk for a lot of reasons. But the biggest one might be the lyrics.
And I get it. Burritos and pizza, hardy har.
But the idea of these kids writing genuine music about their hometown and its inhabitants and the shit that happened there just resonates with me. I'll always be that kid from a small town in Massachusetts. And no matter how far away I get, I listen to these songs and realize I can always come home.
This music just reminds me that I'm always gonna be the kid who got into too much trouble in her hometown with her friends. That i'll always prefer racing down deserted roads to being stuck in traffic in any city. That i'm still the kid who got her first kiss in an apple orchard around a bonfire. I can move to the city, I can get out of Massachusetts. But i'll never grow out of being that kid. There's always going to be the part of me that prefers fires in Jay's backyard over anything else. Or that would rather go to the boat launch and fuck around than go to some stupid party with people I don't know.
So you can try to forget or say it's the past
You know you'll always end up right back where you left
We've all grown up and grown out of this town in some way. Some of us are still there, some of us left. But when we come home and hang out in Kyles basement or go to Taco Bell it's like nothing's changed. It's like we're still these kids we always were, making mistakes and trying to find our footing.
As much time as I spent trying to escape, I can't deny that coming home is now one of my favorite things. My heart will always be there, in one way or another. And it took me a long time to figure that out. And I guess you can say pop punk lyrics helped me get there. I wouldn't be the person I am without all nights I spent sleeping in peoples cars because we were too drunk to drive or the days spent listening to music and smoking because there was never anything to do. We would sit and complain about being bored, but we never really were.
We had each other. We still do.
And when you have friends like that in a setting you know like the back of your hand, you've got a home.
Because i'm selfish enough to want to get better,
but i'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there.
And when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase,
it's what you've become and it's what you will stay,
that's the ballgame.
When am I going to realize things cannot go on the way they have been?
It seems like the best songs to hate yourself to are all around 8 minutes long.
Konstantine - Something Corporate
23 - Jimmy Eat World
Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cuties
Caves - Jack's Mannequin
Leaky Breaks - Manchester Orchestra
I used to ignore the long songs on albums. Then I grew up and I learned those are the ones that pack the biggest emotional punch. The ones that let the music rise and fall and say so much more in 8 minutes than the whole album says on its own. The ones you can cry and cry and cry to that won't finish before you do.
I've been emotional lately. More so now than I have been in years. It's funny, how time changes how we react to things. I'm older now, and this time around it's so much different. I'm so much different.
But at the heart of it's always going to be the same.
And at the heart of it i'll always have these songs to fall back on when I need to just let it all out.
Things donít go as planned. They donít ever go as you want them to. Wanting, wishing, hoping, dreaming. They wonít make things happen. And it always hurts when youíre let down. No matter how well versed you are in such matters. Being disappointed isnít something you ever really get used to.
Itís been a long time since I cared enough about something to be let down. Is this what they call progress? But god, I just hurts so much to let myself feel it, so I donít. I do something stupid to push it out of my mind.
You are this whole new challenge that I never expected. And I can feel you slipping. I'm not stupid. I know where this goes.
The sting of rejection is something I havenít felt in a very long time.
Lately the musical disconnect between me and most of my friends has really been bothering me. This used to bother me, mostly, on just one level. But lately it's gotten to the point where there is more too it.
The first level is that I have no on to go to shows with. Ever. In high school I had one or two people that were semi-interested in seeing stuff I wanted to see, but not really enough. It's strange here because people will pay 50$ to see Tiesto and expect me to cough that up and come with, but wouldn't pay less than that to see some great bands with me. My college is right next to a town that has shows with acts I love constantly. I missed out on Death Cab, Passafire, and so many more because no one would go with me. I'm not opposed to going alone but sometimes it's nice to share something like that with friends.
Maybe i'm just too into music and not enough into getting fucked up at an EDM show. My bad.
And the second level of this is that I have no one to talk about music with. Trying to talk to my friends about everything that happened with Fall out Boy and POZ and that saga was like pulling teeth because they didn't care. And I can't make them, I know that. We all have different tastes. But it's gotten really hard for me to find anyone at this school that likes the same music as me. It's all EDM shit and crappy rap. I enjoy that when i'm drunk but i'm not going to talk to you for hours about it.
And I guess that's why i'm venting here. I don't have anyone to talk to even about this stuff.
I remember going to Blink 182 two summers ago with my bestfriend, his girlfriend, and our other friend. Manchester Orchestra opened. It was incredible but I felt like the only person there for the music. I wasn't fucked up in the slightest, I wasn't sliding down the fucking mud hill like this was a country concert, and I wasn't blowing guys in the porta potties (this is not an exaggeration). I was just jamming out to some of my favorite bands. There was this weird disconnect between everyone I knows motives for being there and mine. And it made me think when music became less about music and more about an excuse to get fucked up.
Even at a Senses Fail/Bayside show I went to a few kids from my high school were there and they were absolutely trashed and said they didn't remember the show afterwards. How is that fun? Why even go to the show if you're going to get THAT obliterated?
I was reading an article from The A.V. Club today about "slow TV" i.e. watching a TV show the old fashioned way instead of marathoning the whole thing in three weeks. As a serial marathoner of shows I didn't catch the first time around I was surprised when I found myself identifying with the authors idea that the slow way may be the better way.
In the last few months alone I've watched the entire airing history of Dawson's Creek, Dexter, Weeds, Friday Night Lights, My So-Called Life, and probably more i'm forgetting. Having Netflix has helped immensely with this, making it easy for me to access (most) shows I want to watch at any time. But I never thought about the consequences that streaming sites may have for television today. Or for the viewer.
There are numerous pro's to sites like Netflix and Hulu. You can catch up on a series or watch individual, favorite episodes. But, as the article lamented, watching these shows all at once can oftentimes ruin the way a show was meant to be seen. Character arcs are less subtle; some plot points seem incredibly rushed. It's hard to just stop at one episode and before you know it you're done with an entire series.
I remember when I watched LOST my freshman year in college. I watched the entire series in less than a month and just could not tear myself away from my laptop screen. I had many friends who had watched the show for years and were there for me to express my shock and awe to. But then, after I finished the finale, I found myself sad. Sad obviously because it was over but also sad that I didn't get to have a six year journey. I didn't get to wait week after week, create theories, or talk about the show when it was still relevant. I missed out on an incredible phenomena because I came to the party late. The pay off was just not the same for me as it was for all my friends because I didn't get to have the same relationship with the show as these first-run viewers did.
When FRIENDS ended after ten years I cried. When I finished LOST I went to sleep.
I wonder what it would have been like if I watched the show one episode a week, building the suspense and drawing out my viewing. I would have had time to develop theories and be anxious for the next episode. Most importantly I would be able to discern the episodes from each other rather than the way that they seem like a blur, all rushing together. I know I don't have the patience for that; I never will. It's wishful thinking that I'd be capable of that self control in the face of a show that incredible. But it's a nice thought isn't it?
One of the defining things about this type of television viewing is that we're never only watching a show. We're on Facebook, on our phones, or writing a paper while the show plays in the background. This is obviously a commentary on society as a whole, that we can't focus on anything for too long. And while it's important in other regards, when it comes to TV it's changing the entire viewing process. We barely look at the screen or zone out doing other things, missing important details and plot points. Most viewers aren't in it for the subtleties, acting, or great writing anymore - they're in it for the plot points and the music. TV viewing was once an event, now it's something that can be done anywhere at any time.
This all makes me think how the ability to marathon a show will affect how we all watch TV in the long run. Netflix released House of Cards in one fell swoop. An entire season of a TV show laid out in front of us to watch in one day, if we please. While this is a bit different, because the wait for a season two is likely to be insufferable, it's an interesting scheme. Is Netflix trying to perpetrate that this is the way TV is going? That someday all shows will be thrown in bundles for us to watch through on our time and as quickly as we please?
I hope not. As a fan of the slow burn of watching a season of TV, scoping spoilers, and getting excited for a new episode I wouldn't want that to be ruined. I'm already upset I couldn't grow up with old shows; let me grow up with my new ones.
When do I get to feel good again? When do my emotions get to stop being so erratic? When am I going to feel like myself again?
That last one
I'm not stupid enough to think that I can ever go back to way things were 5 years ago. Or 3. Or even 1. But i'm not sure if that means I've lost something or that I've gained something. Did I lose the person I was? Did I gain a new reality?
I guess you can say both. I guess you can say that I really don't know.
I spend an awful lot of time thinking about how I can fix myself. Change myself. Save myself. But is there really anything left to save? I'm never getting back who I was. I don't even know if i'd want to. In my heart I know that I will never be carefree. I will never not carry these issues around with me because it is not possible. I will never forget these years of my life and the way things have been for me. I canít escape that no matter how hard I try.
It is not possible.
No matter how close to feeling good I get I have this voice in the back of my head telling me things will never change. How can they? How can I just forget the way I've lived for seven years? How can I go back to that naivety? I can't. There's been a shift inside of me that cannot be reversed.
Do I wish I could live the normal way? Do I wish that I could be a 20 year old college kid without these things weighing me down? Sometims; but Iím not normal. I donít feel normal. Iíve never been anything near it.
Remember when I used to care if people were mad at me? Remember when I used to cater to everyone around me? Itís beyond not giving a fuck. Itís beyond choosing this. Itís beyond acting like this for some semblance of coolness or whatever the fuck people do. Itís the literal realization that I donít care enough about the things and people around me.
I pretend that I do.
Iíve spent years stooping to the levels of people around me in some sick attempt to relate. And all its done is made me look pedantic and surrounded me with pathetic fucking people. All these things I do are me trying to understand these people around me. What makes them so happy and normal and typical? Iíve tried to relate but I canít be typical. Itís not in me. I can't sit around and pretend that I haven't lived this life.
They wonder why I have a hard time sympathizing with their pathetic problems. Why I donít want the same things they do. Why Iíd prefer to be alone on a Saturday night than faking it. These people in my life donít know a damn thing about me. Not one single thing. They can think they do all they want but that wonít make it true.
Donít tell me what I want. Donít tell me who I am.
Donít tell me what I want. Donít tell me who I am.
I painted myself in to this figurehead. This person that people can go to with their problems and have them solved. The way Iíve acted in the last few years is what has become expected of me. That is what I never wanted. You do good, they expect good. And a breach in etiquette Ė even to act as I truly am and not as I pretend Ė is seen as inflammatory.
And then when the negativity seeps, as it naturally does, people can't handle it.
I'm sick of this act. I'm sick of this song and dance. I am not the same as you. I am not the same as any of you.
Really trying hard to write something in here every day. Even if it's brief or mostly comprised of the lyrics to the song that's hitting me hard right now. I've never had the motivation to fight through the writers block. I wait for it to lift. And while it always does, eventually, I am just sick of waiting. I have so much to say that I really need to start saying it. I've always been partial to documenting my life in words because looking back at what I felt rather than what I did means infinitely more to me. And maybe it won't sound the best or be phrased in the ways I imagined - but it's something.