You'll know your strength when you're getting back up.
I love the feeling of having myself to myself to myself again. There are only but a few dreams that come true and 365 days in a year, if i spend all my days waiting on dreams i'll only see a life pass me by. I have the fairest of friends and the slightest tingling of a season on my back. Open to suggestions like staying after class and talking it up about how graduatings been a long time coming, yeah no guessing about how life isn't bad. Sure from time to time there is the ever so faint scent of her in the air but i've long stop tracing the vapors, forgetting how to get carried away. I enjoy the new stimulating conversations, the affections, the idea of freedom to love without a pretense. I'm back into music and finding a place not stifled by the commotion of trying to please, instead there is that pleasing sound of waves and the air that is the freshest its ever tasted. My heart feels like its where it belongs and im glad with certainty that i didn't let it get away from me. I know i'm not perfect but i won't dance around my imperfections, instead opting to take the long way around when the feeling comes around again. I love to learn, i love to grow, and falling apart is sometimes necessary to put yourself back together again ( here is to hoping you're better than the last incarnation). This is for the new and the reintroudction of the past, this is the one selfish act to beat all selfish acts and in the mist of it all you can be selfless later. love yourself <3
"This is a travesty, this is a travesty,
every sentiment has been contrived.
Palatable and so refined. Sugar sweet to appetize.
I had a fit and you had a feeling.
There was a path and to get where its leading
you had to be sharp, you couldn't swerve from side to side.
I was a razor and you were a straight line.
This is a forgery, this is a forgery.
Every single word is plagiarized.
Copied twice and thrice inscribed.
This is a forgery.
And we were looking out, for some shining light,
but it was casket black, so we would search all night."
would he shoot the breeze with your mom while helping her cook dinner for the family?
would he hold your nieces' chubby little parts and think to himself, i can get use to this?
would he take on the cold blank stares from your father and your sister and still stand his ground, knowing your worth every hole being burned into his skin?
would he fight for your education, help you get in state tuition, and fufill atleast one promise he has ever made to your mother?
would he take you to get your wisdom teeth pulled and be by your side thereafter to take care of you and put you on to your favorite soup while he is at it?
would he call your mother crying to tell her how dissappointed he is in himself that he stopped being able to take care of you but that you're as strong a person he has ever seen. and he knows you'll be alright?
will he grow to love animals in the same ways you do?
will he accept your diet or will he embrace it?
will he forgive the mistakes?
I once had someone tell me i was handsome. They also mouthed the words "i love you" based on some chemistry they thought they had with me. This person now has a baby with her bf who she lives with till this day. I know what your going to say " i'm sorry im not perfect like you." I don't care that you think that you aren't perfect or that you think that i think i am. I only wish i knew what was so imperfect with us, and why you thought after 4 years we had become weak enough to change.
maybe you found yourself the perfect stranger, but maybe you should have asked yourself what else could have been missing.
( i did not ever say those words back )
" i took a chance, i took a shot, and you might think im bullet proof but im not, you took a swing, i took it hard, and down here from the ground i see who you are"
I always write in code, always trying to create some kind of gateway, settled outside reality. My mind just wants to be blunt today.I thought of you, wondered how you were and how you carry on in your days. I wondered if there is the possibity of someone else, not thinking to break the ice on comparisons. I think to myself why taking anybody elses advice is more suitable than my own. And than i understand, well that is how come i'm here in the first place. I notice how backwards i am, in that i seek out any reminder of you that i can when the entire world knows forgetting means letting go. I'm a health freak now, working out, eating right, and making record pace in losing weight. But then i consider that all this vanity is misspalced in the fact that in not im attracted to any available options but the option i want which isn't an option at all. I've since moved on from my future thinking when the present day is hard enough. I've thought long and hard about getting a tattoo finally and fully embracing the pain of holding onto something forever. I was thinking Brandnew, my rib, something epic even if it will be my first. I'm adrift but looking for purpose, and maybe im just arming myself for the worse case scenario. I mostly wonder why that last day you were here you were so brash, assured in yourself that it was for the best im sure. But seriously did you not see it all crumbling before you? Did no panic reach your finger tips? Did you have such a painful grip on where you were going that sticking it through was the least of your worries? I contemplate and i contemplate and i contemplate but there is nothing where the words are meant to exit and it backfires and i believe these same words trickle down my cheeks. I don't point fingers while i block out what everyone has already taken down as fact, and i lean away so i can fall into the fictitious.
Everyday since i met you i've lived my life in order to guarantee your love in light of your mistakes. whether it was making the long walk home over night on black friday or accepting you cheated on me ( however bad it was, it was bad enough that i still don't know the details). Even secluded my friends, my life, i lost compassion for who i was before you and now..
A mistake and im alone...a mistake and i've watched everything unravel..recovery will come but not soon enough. thank you for everything you gave me till the day it came to an end but in the context of my life, its history i wouldn't hang in a museum.
Its funny, in a cosmic way, how after everything you return to what makes you feel comfortable. Its been ages since i've written here but than again for years i didnt have to.
Im so tired but i have one "i" to dot, i must make that one triumphant run to where it started to appropriately end it. [ edit i think i won't ] --today that is.
even more crazy is how this forum for my ideas brings the sulk right out of me.
i came with enough sad cliches to make an unhappy man check his watch.
but no word. no image. can conjure where the world went in my head.
my body has met its transformation.
it numbs the happiness. it feels the pain.
of course i try and do my due diligence. i go to school. i study. i workout. i go to work...and inbetween i eat a snack or two. and by two i mean 2. of course i wanted to slim down but not what i had in mind.
and all the self pity in the world still doesn't cost me what a tank of gas cost so why not?
i got sleeves, why not make myself pervious?
i mean people lay in comas for years, dead to the world.....unknowing.
You're the hopeful
the one i long for longer when the wounds are cut open
you'll seal them with tape, seal them with glue
crack them back open when the suns shining through
the window sills your mirror, the rays of sunshine raise from you hair
it doesn't matter how i fall
you'll alway tend to me with the fairest of care
when i can't dance away the demons
your fingers meet my shoulders
your snare meets their eyes while you wisk away your man
tend to my mind with dreams that favor angels
With all the recent talk of the "Scene's" untimely death, i can only sit and wonder if the scene was ever ours to begin with. If it was something we held with such great esteem why do we quit fighting after its slipped through our fingers? Why do we decidely throw in the towel after a few black eyes, a couple chipped teeth, and let the nerve of a few chumps in their neon upholstry be the deciding factor? If there was ever a time to come out of your comatose state, the time is now. Think of every passionate song your favorite artist has ever released and think of the odds they had to fight to achieve a panoramic view. You see nothing comes easier in life then giving up. The filth will eventually clean itself up because when it comes to over saturation; it gets old, goes on clearance, then gets disposed of. In the meantime we can speed the process of it all by promoting something substantial and making a clearing for the sun. The limelight doesn't find you, you find it. This is all easier said then done and these bands can't do it on their own. We all know the labels aren't going to promote anything that isn't the latest trend and in these cases its going to take an army but when you're steadily looking around, who do you expect is going to just march up and take the stand for you? If you haven't got the fight in you then you mightest well blame the death of a "scene" on yourself because talk is cheap and you're paying our way into the funeral.
"You plug me in and turn me on. Turn on me. I am your device of manufactured
hope. You plug me in and turn me into wires and blood. I am your trophy wife
shaking hands with your guests. Hi my name is "yours". The unfortunate ones
will be spared. We are the industry. I'm sorry but your name is not on the
list. Your results do not comply. Your ashes will fuel the machine. We are
the industry. We are the birth and the death."
until he's been tamed. I've been known to be introverted when i've been wounded. I close doors, windows, and pretty much anything that can make it possible to get a handle on me. I'll never tell you the reason that this hurts so bad. I won't tell you that the bottles do nothing for me but help my surrender. I'm concious of nothing, light headedness leaves me a dreary scene. Palm trees do nothing in a season of falling leaves like the sun does nothing for the winter chills. I appreciate you for trying to be a scapegoat but where am i going? You've got a city that never sleeps and instincts that are nothing like mines. I am a consequence, a pathogen going through trials and tribulations that is hoping to come out clean again. So please don't fill your head with the weight because it was made for bright ideas not extra baggage.
" hold my breath to communication, only just a taste."
Its done. Today i sleep in a bed made of apathy. Turning my head on its side and this is only the half of what a half hearted man would feel like. I remember the rocks, the sand, the empty beer cans piling up and the water out there was the safest place under the blanket of night. Inebriated, yep it keeps the nerves nuetral.I'm afraid the feeling is cancer, its hands the most affable i know. I feel my feet cold beneath me and this jump i'm afraid is my entire life. When will i ever learn. When will i ever know you're real when you've splattered me and painted me the disillusioned. I can't go down this road again.
I want to tip this bottle, break the seal, break the ice, dawn the shades, catch a case.
I want to hit every out of place hole in the wall, be the ace in the hole, trace their lips, tell them the drinks are on me, a smirk on my face.
I want to lose the burden, live in the city, here the pitter patter of my sneakers getting dirty, and im filthy because im not afraid of being guilty.
I want to get famous over night, make her jaw get tight, as she envys, her eyes dropping their load, and i love it, that crackling sound of heart break.
" now its over and i thank you darling for your love."
"Good God, if your song leaves our lips
If your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds
They will stare and say how empty we are
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men
Let us be cold, make us weak
Let us, because we all have ears
Let us, because we all have eyes
How they knew that this would happen
We’re so run down
Good God! Can you still get us home…
How can we still get home
I’m not dreaming
We’re forgetting our forgiveness"
and that way we can say anything. We say take the dive, meet the sky with a head on collision. We say raise your hands in unison, meet the pavement thats got us upside down. We can only go so far being partial to these indefinate yearnings. We can't compensate for absence or the lapses between the ongoings of everything and nothing. We can't give up anything, so we'll just meet up at the residency where the bitter and sweet coalesce. We'll only say the promises we ment to keep before the period in which they came passes and they're open just to break.We'll sweat it out, i'll swear with doubt that im never letting go, that'll i'll keep on holding on, because seeing you this way has kept me breathing all along. And on that note i'll always love you, i'll always put you first, at the rise of a single breath that'll i'll hold inside my lungs because i hate to see you fall. I don't know why everytime it starts again i find that the rhythm never leaves my words like your heart never leaves mines and the cliches never end because your always on my mind. I never seem to make it where im going and yet you never seem to notice that you're always the last stop, never being in a place long enough to save me from myself.
could you be the softer side of my pillow, the side i sleep on.
Another day and another free fall. An invitation to the last few seconds of our lives. I would have sized this in the frame of my mind but the proportions were epic and the collision could burn us all. i've thought of you more, aimed my sights on the seizing glare and told the sun i'd block it out if we could dance in it's shade. You were meant for me, so escape is an idea so naive i never imagined it. Or maybe i just faked the indifference the tacit evasion being nothing but a ploy. The frays they lay here and they wave with the wear that only a lover can amass, the shingles of prudence shattered and lay on the floor we're our bodies have set the territorial lines. I'm not in shambles, but im not so whole, where you left with the pieces and where the pond breaks its characteristics to flow into rivers that don't hold guilt. Yes lover, you are the ice thats cold, that'll never melt down, that pricks my neck and dresses me down so i can hold these shivers that'll never grow old.
"So what did we pay for, and why did we care, what were we after, and why was it there? Desire gave way to a false sense of hope, and we fell through the lie but its what we all chose, and i yell to my friends it'll all be ok, but they didn't believe me, they still don't today, they never do anything they haven't before, in the same solemn room with no lock on the door, and over and over and over again, the same failed solutions to all the same problems, scream why why ? i can't understand why the things that i do never go as i planned, and the vultures begin their slow circling."
A full name and enough interest to start fires. No, today we're going to leave the metaphors behind, the subliminals aside and im going to tell you this bluntly, im living a defunct love life and it all makes sense or wait? Correction the day i decide to be less complicated will also be the day i understand myself, when the math adds up and we all witness the coldest day in hell. Today will be the day i tuck my ego in my pocket and i safety pin my disarming heart on my sleeve. I told you that the vicious cycle never ends, but im still cycling, the tongues on my sneakers barely holding and the soot gripping to the ridges in their soles. I'm going to defy gravity tonight, im going to bite into you and let you coarse through everything you left empty. A grave is a site made for me and i'll tell you that its amazing to be walking on so many legacies that never die, alive but what am i? You say you want to be aquitted of all charges, then convince me! Forget that i know the pattern of coming back, the callousness exhibited from keeping me at bay. You'll never give up but you won't show up either so the heady air holds our possibilities and its time we sniff out victory. I'm going to decieve you, going to plow the stake in everything you stand for, make you cave at godspeed and when i've got you front and center you'll never tell me no again.
"i keep it simple and plain and make it fly to yuh,
i never hold my tongue, i never lie to yuh,
i share joy and pain, even cry with yuh,
passanger seat whenever its time to ride with yuh,
mama you dealing with professionals
relax, fall back, just settle down,
he's a legend, you fucking with the best around,
no stress, aw yes, god blessed the child
she don't want to give, so i take, and to her its like rape,
but to me its just a conflict of interest, last play of the game no time on the clock,
and the margin of error is just a matter of inches,
fuck it we going for it, balls to the wall"
I'm just here, my tongue nervously paving the roof of my mouth, the freshness of spearmint leaving the heightened sense of purgatory at bay. All this time has left me weathered but not forgetful. Resentful, just maybe? Time is passing and the salt is being spread, if the person who created the phrase spread your wings only knew he'd/ she'd of said be complacent and keep your arms by your sides. Your soaring gets you no where, and crawling tells you something, holding on is the last precious thing you'll do for her and all you'll have to show for it is dirt on your name.