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Don't Touch Me. I'm Sterile. BruisedxBroken's Blog
Goodbye, Android Me
06/11/10 at 09:15 PM by BruisedxBroken
Just the other day I was dreaming I could fly...

I was getting tried of my daily routine, living every moment as the same old me. And so I built a robot, fashioned from steel. I covered him in flesh that stretched to feel real. He spoke with the same tone and type of inflection, his AI stored my every order and direction. Birth date; incredible, the freedom I found. I threw on my rocket shoes and flew off the ground. I traveled through the universe with nothing to lose, but back home my life changed tremendously too. Android Me made friends for days, his talents were evident in so many ways. He smiled so wide you could see every flaw, the chips in his teeth and his titled jaw. But those made him real, which made him more beautiful, and made him relatable to everyone else. And he composed music with the greatest of ease, crafting his masterpiece to melody beats. He wrote short stories and captured moments. He made people think and they wouldn't even know it. Android Me could love like no other, connecting with anyone he end up under. A kiss on the cheek, or lips locked together. His rhythm was impeccable, no one could do it better.

And all the while I'm up there in the clouds. Trapped in the nothingness, afraid to come down.

Just the other day I was dreaming I could fly. I left myself stranded. I never said goodbye...
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Amphetamine Summer; The Insomniacs Paradise
04/27/10 at 11:19 AM by BruisedxBroken
I'm like short fuse burning, ready to blast. A train so fast it falls off the tracks. I break to breakdown, indulge without shame. I shatter in to pieces that can't be re arranged. I live between the parallels of high and sobriety. I move with the cycles of valley drug variety. The new shit that moves quick and sells for cash. The tweak that gets me fucked up and gone off my ass. And then I crash, like a seven seventeen. I plunge from the sky and remember everything. I stare at the walls. I scream inside. I want to break out but I'm still confined. Confused, I've lost all track of time. The clock in my room spins and unwinds. I wander around like the walking dead. I can't slow down with these thoughts in my head. Sleep and I meet but it's not for long. I wake up fast and the feeling's gone. The clouds in the sky separate and fly. I hit the ground running for a brand new high...
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She smiles, in spite of...
01/28/10 at 02:49 AM by BruisedxBroken
Between blood stained teeth and a broken jaw, she smiles. And stands on her own two feet. She'll drag them down Arch, to the corner of Vine, two blocks from home where her heart still aches. A small town tragedy, the girl in dirty clothes; her hair tied in knots like dreadlocks and bows. The scars on her wrists read like maps of roads, that stretch out to somewhere nobody knows. And oh what she'd give just to travel them all. She smiles, in spite of a world so cold...
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You
01/24/10 at 01:25 PM by BruisedxBroken
You.

In the beginning, I never thought this moment would come; where we'd fall in love, build a bond and watch it come undone. It's a sick cycle, though necessity is apparent. For you, I can't be just another regret. Initially, I tried hard to push you away. But you were incessant, forcing me to let you stay. I could toss you to the side like you didn't much. But secretly I'd lie awake and long for your touch. The feeling is amazing, to know that you're loved. But sometimes I feel like I took you for granted. It was hard to express all my deepest emotions. With you, disapproval was all too possible. And deep disappointment, if I should let you down. There were times when I felt that you were slipping away, but I tried hard to hold on and make you stay. I would see you in my dreams, which helped me to make sense; to separate my fears, and show you who I am. But too little, too late. I guess I couldn't make it happen. So i speak through these words to compensate for my actions. Here in the aftermath, you're always on my mind. You were before, but now, it's quite a bit different. I flash back to memories, all too distant. And pray that one day we can live them again. You make me happy. That's about as simple as I can say it. I'd stay with you forever if it kept me on this high. And lie to myself, that you're not so abusive. Or justify your actions to keep myself sane. Secretly, I wondered why you'd treat me that way. Did I really deserve less than an ounce of respect? Was I really just novel, here today and gone tomorrow? Or did I mean half of what you told me I did. You. Your word was like God. I never had doubt, my faith was unwavering. I spoke of your love, to anyone who'd listen. They used to call me crazy. They said that I was weak. But so did you. So if it's true, I plead for compassion. The slightest bit of mercy to shine on me. My heart had been broken, so many times betrayed. Why did I expect to anything to change? I put my best foot forward, and still fell hard. And sadly, I don't think I've quite learned yet. I would let you back in with a beat of my heart, forgiving and forgetting everything that you are. If I could have you, I'd want to. Please believe. You mean more than any and every thing. This isn't me begging, the door is always open. This is me pouring out my heart. For you.
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Neon Lights and My Momentary Infatuation
01/11/10 at 02:40 AM by BruisedxBroken
I see the way she loves me. I feel it in her touch. Her eyes are inviting, her arms wide open. And here in this moment, we're so alive. One night in Vegas, lets make it last forever. Running through the hallway, a never ending stretch. She calls the elevator, but we take the stairs instead. Make it to the lobby, I can hear my favorite song. I sing to All You Wanted at the top of my lungs. The room is all electric, made of lights and sounds. Bouncing off the ceiling, spinning upside down. The desert moon is dimming. The sun has all but died. The skyline ignites, like sparks and fireflies. Left in the atmosphere? A brightly colored cloud. Flickering neon, dancing to sounds; Of everything and nothing, all the laughter and tears. The parallels of big dreams and wasted years. And her and I are flawless, if only for a time. Tomorrow is the end, but furthest from my mind. The city never sleeps, and so we follow suit. Midnight turns to morning, and still we're on the move. We kiss beneath the silver bells, crash the swimming pools. Flee the scene before they see us breaking all the rules. Ride the roller coaster, still soaking from the dive. I've never been so afraid, or felt more alive . Four AM has come and gone, and still we're on a roll. This could be my last chance to never let her go. But everything gets harder when you live beyond the moment. Things change and feelings fade before you even know it. If everything were perfect, this night would never end. I'll keep her in my memories until we meet again...
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Part 3: Sad Eyez
08/07/09 at 01:26 AM by BruisedxBroken
He wakes up, to a rain soaked afternoon, been asleep for three days, locked up in his room. He wonders if he'll ever find the strength to die; Searches and cries for courage he can't find. The screams are getting louder from down the hall, he can hear the glass break up against the wall; When it's over, he'll reach for the bits and shards, the jagged little pieces to scrape at his arms...

Growing up, he never had friends at all, he used to stare at the phone hoping someone would call. He'd count the hours til' bed and pray for lucid dreaming, to escape from a house where the filth was teeming. No plates, no dishes, no food in the fridge. No life, no love, no reason to live. And school was the worst, he was always in fights; He used to stay up nights and plot revenge on sight; So by the 10th grade, it all came to fruition; They found blueprints in his locker for a suicide mission. No money for attorneys to argue his state, to make the case for a mental health placement space. Just an overburdened system, where nobody cared; Locked up in 8 by 10 for two years. The four wall syndrome, you'll lose your mind; And he was already troubled his entire life. On the outs, he had no place to go; So he drifted between different halfway homes...

And it all seemed hopeless, no matter where he went, he could never find focus...

So he moved back home; To the cold dark room where he used to sleep alone...

He's been there for weeks. He just sleeps, shivers and shakes beneath the bed sheets...

And he stares at the rain; Day after day cause it never goes away...

There's a nine in his step father's closet with no lock, loaded with ammunition and stashed inside a shoebox. A bottle full of pills at the edge of his bed, and a razor blade dulled by the skin that he's shed. With all of these devices, you'd think he'd find a way; He crawls back in bed, it'll happen one day...
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It's Better To Have Never Loved At All
07/02/09 at 03:47 AM by BruisedxBroken
I woke up tired, with a sick feeling inside of my chest. I couldn't breathe, so I clutched at the bars above my bed. For days on end I've been completely aimless; Killing time by chasing down the bottom of a bottle. I haven't slept much, I can't do it alone. I just lie awake, lost in thought, until the morning comes. And before I fell in love, I never knew just what I'd missed. The agony, the anguish and sadness when it ends. And to make matters worse, I went and fell in love again; With a girl who's heart had already been taken. I knew she was perfect from the minute we met, but the circumstance only provides us to be friends. If only I could sever the ties and loose ends, by driving for hours with no destination. Or drink myself tipsy to the point where I'm numb; I would talk about everything and nothing at all. I would sing to the saddest song, at the top of my lungs, at a bar somewhere in the city; Over staticky speakers, random conversations, and last call casualties waiting to happen. And I'd find my way home, if only thanks to a friend. I would crawl into bed and drown beneath the covers. Hide for a day or two, make the world outside disappear and lose all track of time. If only I'd known that love was so often blind, I'd have found enough strength just to leave it behind; Cause everything was fine until her eyes met mine, on that february night beneath the stars and the sky; From the edge of the park, to the back seat of my car, to four months later when she left me scarred; And a week before July, it happened a second time; But fate breaks hearts and leaves the pieces behind. My voice is fading, I've been screaming at the walls; The truth is it's better to have never loved at all...
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[untitled]
06/06/09 at 10:09 PM by BruisedxBroken
Sometimes it's hard to explain just how surreal life can be. I've searched for the words a million times and found nothing. But despite every try that ends to no avail, I still keep digging through the depths of my psyche. Sometimes I fuck up; Although it's hard to admit. And sometimes I'm capable of losing my grip. I'm not always in the wrong, though sometimes it feels that way; Constantly reminded of the things I can't change. So fuck it, sometimes it's better to walk away. But more often than not it causes too much pain. So sometimes, I compromise and let shit slide. Let the words die and the sick feelings wither away. And then I feel better. Sometimes for a while. But those feelings die too when it comes full circle. (...And When We're Together) Sometimes we lie in bed like two dead bodies; Seperated by bedsheets and angry feelings. And we don't sleep much, just stare at the ceiling. And hope that the other one says something first. Sometimes we lie, cheat and deceive; And try to hide the evidence with affectations. And sometimes we're cold, angry and distant; But we're silently screaming for the other one's attention. Sometimes we're in love; Those moments I wouldn't trade. But others, we hate each other in the worst fucking way. Sometimes life is inconclusive; There's no easy answer. And sometimes the answers are what we fear the most. So maybe sometimes it's better not to know; To eventually find the strength and let it go. It might hurt for a while, but then it fades away. I'm sure we'll wake up one day and see life is still beautiful...
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Part 2: Slipknots for Nooses
04/19/09 at 02:46 AM by BruisedxBroken
There's a view from her window, she's seldom noticed it before; And on days like these, it seems to stretch out forever. The clouds in the sky peak open for the sun; Strange, how she's never seen it quite the same way...

Yesterday, she was dead inside; She tried to end her anguish with self-mutilation. She'd do anything to kill all the thoughts in her head. [She'd even kill herself, if that's what it takes]. She ties slipknots for nooses with shoe laces and string, and hangs them from her dresser; "This is how I remind myself that I'm worthless". Apathetic and cold, and the stories that she's told would put chills up your spine. [Leave you rendered speechless]. Temporarily paralyzed by depression and anxiety, trying to find a balance, but she's always unsteady. And her heart beats rapidly when he enters the room; "He" introduces himself with an obvious pseudonym. Her eyes hide the pain and the mess she's made, while inviting all the sick thoughts running through his head. And her mind starts to wander while he ravishes, his hands wrapped around her neck are cold and aggressive. The clock on the wall chimes at two thirty five, he finishes off and lifts himself to his feet. She cries inside but the brave face shows. He walks to the door that revolves all night. One after another; Same twisted desires. New names and faces, but those are all irrelevant. And for the hell of it, a cigarette. A shot. A line. A hit of something to hallucinate and make it through the night.

There's a view from her window, that gives sight, to candy coated skylines and textured sunlight. Days like these are more frequent now; One day she'll get high and never come back down...

This morning, she felt so alive. She hid the scars on her arm and took a walk outside. But as she stepped off the curb, the weather started changing. The rain fell hard and the sky turned black. The street lights died with a flicker and flash. The buildings disappeared into nothing but ash. The ringing in her ears just wouldn't go away. She kept picking at her skin, in spite of the stinging. And with filthy fingernails, from clutching to the concrete. She's back home now, but it's still a long way down; The bathtub baptizes, cleanses her shame. She cries real tears but doesn't make a sound. [The most painful thing that she will ever experience]. The hours pass by and she starts to purge. She picks herself up and starts running in circles. She's aimless, shameless, and her memory lacks. She makes a call from her bedroom and soon "He's" back. And for the hell of it, a cigarette. A shot. A line. A hit of something to hallucinate and make it through the night.

There's a window in her room, ever so inviting. And she still ties nooses every now and then...
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Moments Of Beauty and Grace
12/02/08 at 04:03 PM by BruisedxBroken
For [---]; I have lent you my faith. And all that I ask is that you send me your strength. It was you who made the miracle, and for that I am grateful. You're so graceful. I feel comfort, blessed by your presence. If there were words I could find, through searching my soul, to convey how I feel with an eloquent stride; I'd speak them now, and forever. But these moments are imperfect, stilted like my speech. And so I rely on the beauty of silence; To receive salvation, with open arms. You are the flame; My burning hearts desire...
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Part 1: The Avalanche In Minor
11/27/08 at 02:22 PM by BruisedxBroken
There once was a girl, who had everything. And a boy, who only wanted her. He'd give anything to tell her, but couldn't out of fear. That was until he found the strength. The words and emotions. The two would pass each day in the halls, their eyes only meeting for split second glances. He would fumble for his books, or pretend to tie his shoe. She would smile just enough to let him know he was made. But the fears that drove him to the depths of self-doubt were pervasive. Faced with confronting them? It was all too much to think about. And so he decided against it; For the last time, and that time he meant it.

Their hands interlocked, awkwardly shaking. He was feeling nervous about the way he was dressed. Fashion for the Heights never made it to the Valley. And he noticed that she never wore the same thing twice. She was also tense, but not for the same reason. It was two years later and she still hadn't mended; She wondered if he knew about Trevor. He did.

The two stood idle, lost in each others eyes; He fought for the words rehearsed inside his head.

"I think I might love you" he said understated.

"You think?" she quickly replied.

He had no idea of the context. Her tone, inflection, were much too confusing. Was she being sarcastic? Was it simply a question?

"...I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I'm just wondering why you love me. Would you tell me, please?"

Her words were the bridge he so desperately needed. He replied:

"Because you're so beautiful?"

Shit, what was that!?

She laughed. It was a nervous reaction. He thought of something quickly to cut through the tension:

"You don't seem surprised."

She smiled, then replied:

"Hello? You're a guy!? You all want the same thing. Am I supposed to be surprised when you tell me that you love me?"

His heart sank, along with his shoulders.

"Kidding!" she said, well aware of her control.

"Honestly, I've pretty much known all along. I mean, the way that you stare, with those adorable eyes..."

She stops just shy of indulging him further. And retracted, but somewhat:

"You do understand, though, that we could never be together. Don't you?"

He hesitated, nodding with a dis ingenuity. Truthfully, he didn't know what she was implying.

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

Well, at least she's perceptive, he thought to himself.

"Is it because of Trevor?" he said, almost frantically.

She sighs;

"No, I don't think about him anymore."

Liar.

"Is it Ashlee?" he said.

And silence. He was fully aware of the impending consequence.

Her gaze became cold, almost distrusting. She snapped back:

"You have no idea what you're talking about!"

She loosened her hands from his, still shaking.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking" he said. But it was too late.

She ran out into the rain. He followed close behind. There had only been distance between the two before. And he knew he couldn't let that continue...
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Underground Economy
04/18/08 at 02:19 AM by BruisedxBroken
In Meth City, where the summer sun shines, the valley air chokes your lungs and fills the sky, where stray bullets fly taking innocent lives, where words are more than words, theyíre weapons by which we die
In Meth City, where the crystal is king, the fiends and the dealers, underground economy, where you can get fixed every day of the week, where children go hungry so their parents can tweak
In Meth City, where intervention is dead, where nobody cares, itís easier to forget, I heard you had a problem, but I have one too, so forget about me, and Iíll forget about you
In Meth City, where the south side is active, the trade and the traffic, the dirty bills, where the green can get you killed, but so can the white, so even if you try, youíll never get it right
In Meth City, where the jobs donít exist, the factory is closed, gone since 96', where you can flip burgers for five-seventy-five, or you can stay home, smoke rock and get high
In Meth City, where you watch your friends die, shot in cold blood, right in front of your eyes, where just the other day you were side by side, but yesterday is gone and tomorrow is a lie
In Meth City, where it gets hotter than hell, the valley air chokes your lungs and smells stale, where everyone alive tells the same tragic tale, where skin rips open and faces are so pale, where fiends sell things they can never replace, where the cycle never stops, where all it takes is one taste...
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Last Updated: 06/11/10 (3,148 Views)
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