i was talking to my sister earlier and she said that i "have the mantality of a guy". that made me laugh so hard. i was telling her about this game i played the other day called defend your castle (or something like that) and basically all you have to do is kill these little stick figures before they attack your castle. that game is really stupid, but it's just so stupid that it's fun. then samantha called my cat ugly so i asked her why she thought that and she said it was because there wasn't anything "special" about it. samantha only likes things that are expensive and fancy --- she doesn't appreciate the simple things. that's why i hate her so much. her mind only lets her think about things that involve lots of money. she can't take anything for what it is.
he's a genius.
it's amazing how much one song can change your life.
ryan and decided that it would be best if we just forgot about each other. i feel like shit. because ryan was the only person that i was ever close to. there's way too much stuff between us to just be able to forget about each other. he makes everything so difficult! and i never lied.
i've made a "therapy list". it has all of the songs i listen to when i'm feeling like shit. i'm debating whether or not i should put it on here.
"your mouth's writing checks your heart can't cash"
i'll never forget the guy who wrote that. i owe him so much.
"the once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun"
ambien isn't strong enough. i need something else. (maybe lunesta? lol)
"You aren't anything new. You're just the latest in a long line of people who have been you and will be you. And you aren't even the best at it. Just because I'm not responding doesn't mean what you say is true- or that it doesn't hurt. The fair weather friends are keeping score in journals and in whispered voices. That's okay. I'm never going to pretend to be more than I am- just a kid trying to figure myself out, and how dare I? The glue isnt even dry on my pity party invitations and I'm already bored with feeling sorry for myself."
my ex-boyfriend ryan is completely drunk. i got a call from ryan's brother earlier, and he said that ryan was over at jason's. i knew that meant something was wrong. then i got a voicemail from ryan so i knew for sure that he was drunk. so i called bryan (ryan's brother) and told him to bring ryan over. so ryan should be here in about twenty minutes, and i'm working on what i will say. it's all so fucked up and confusing, and i'm pissed of at ryan because he promised me he'd never drink again and i feel so stupid for not knowing better.
and then i found out that a friend from school read this journal. i dont know exactly why, but i have a huge problem with people from school reading this. it's probably because at school and home i've set this image that is totally opposite of who i want to be. but it gets me through the day just fine and without any questions. and my friend knew that i didnt want anyone reading this, but she did anyway. she says she's sorry, but this journal was part of my own little perfect world. i know she's really sorry, and i'm forgiving her. she's lucky i have a lot of self control.
now i have to go and prepare my room for ryan's arrival. the carpets have to be moved, the sheets need to be put away, and every object on my dressers, headboard, and desk need to be moved.
i was okay earlier. i was really happy. then in one hour, i found out my ex has been drunk for the past two days and that my life has no privacy anymore. i'm mentally and physically exhausted. i have to take care of a drunk sixteen year old guy, and i'm also babysitting my nephew.
tomorrow i will wake up and watch tv. then i will go see if ryan is awake and then try to talk to him. i hope he has a really bad headache in the morning.
Fall Out Boy performs later tonight. i'm counting on that performance to make the rest of my night okay. i'm doing a little better right now because my friend, stephaniielynne, just told me that mr. hall called her house today. we think mr. hall likes her or something. it's really funny.
ryan is finally here... i still dont know what to say, but i'm pretty sure it's going to start with me slapping him. i know that will get his attention
yes! SNOW DAY! lol. i will accomplish my dream of making that igloo this weekend. i am going to steal about three of my friends, some bread pans, buckets, or what ever i can find, and then i will force my friends to work for me. muahaha. they shall be my slaves.
there is no electricity in my living room, so we had to move the computer into my sister's room. so i'm sitting in her room, which is really warm by the way, and trying to keep my nephew from killing me with his bottle. he keeps throwing it at my head. i'm going to get him back later when i babysit him. hehe.
my friend haile founf this kitten the other day and she kept asking me if i wanted it. and i told her that my mother said i wasn't allowed to have a cat because the previous three were killed by my neighbors dogs. but then today i was watching Fuse and my mom came into the living room and was like, "Rachel, since we dont have a lot of money this year, you can have that cat." right now the names i have picked out are: Cadie, Pandora, Cork, and Nickel. it's a girl by the way. i think of the best names....
oh, and if you were wondering how i was watching tv in my living room, my dad found some extension cords. hehehe.
the other day i was talking to my friend and she said something really funny and my response was: "lol". yes, i actually said that. i think that might mean i need to stay off the internet for awhile...
during 8th period, it started to snow. and it is still snowing. it is snowing so much that i am sure there will be no school tomorrow. and since there is so much snow (and it is very good snow), i will finally try to accomplish my goal of making an igloo. i have been trying to make one every winter for the past three years, but the snow either hasn't been good enough or there was just too much/little of it.
that "career fair" today was stupid. it was a kind of fun because i'm pretty sure the guy that spoke to all the schools at the end of the sessions was on crack, and my friend said some very racist comments about him. so i was mad at her for awhile.... at my first session, some guy talked about being a paramedic, at the second, some old guy and old girl talked about computers and water purification. the third session was the best. i met a lot of cool guys, i saw an old friend that moved to waldron, and i even got to showoff my impressive singing and bass skills. yess... just kidding!i do have impressive singing skills, but i only show them off in choir. and my impressive bass skills are just a dream that will be (most likely) a dream forever... in session two i learned that my generation will live to be about 150 years old. ha! whatever. and a good thing about session two was that i finally revealed that i was a computer geek. and people just refused to believe it. i dont know why though..... haha.
i'm so fucking tired right now. i need sleep.
mm... hot chocolate....
bianca might be coming over tomorrow. if her mom and the weather allows it.
i am in ITE right now, and i have to say that this class is getting pretty boring. it was fun at first when we actually got to make stuff, but now the teacher is having us make a technology timeline. so right now i'm pretending to be looking for stuff to add. we have to have at least twenty inventions from the year 500 B.C. to 2005. yay. hehe. i've been sending stupid messages to my friendly friend, stephaniilynne. oh, it is great.
it makes me mad that FOB is up for a grammy, but they deserve it. i wish they were still my little secret. secrets are the best.
i've set my life up in the most perfect and fucked up way. i dont talk to my family much, so they dont really know much about me. and my friends and people at school think they know me, but they dont. they see me as this kind of ditsy, happy girl that gets get's good grades, just like the rest of the girls in my grade. and that's good because then people dont ask questions about me. but that's really not who i am or want to be. i want to happy, but i dont want to be like everyone else. but i dont want to show people who i really am because that would make me too vulnerable. and this doesn't make any sense to me, but it looks right so i'm not going to bother with it anymore. and today my sister decided she wanted to be a super bitch and reminded me that my mom didnt even want me and that i wasnt supposed to be born. go samantha for making feel even more unwanted!
this is probably me overreacting, but i still feel the need to write it down somewhere.
i hate my sister, samantha.
i hate my other sister, amanda.
i love amanda's child.
i love my oldest sister, jennifer.
i also love jennifer's husband and her two dogs and one cat.
i love my dog, jo-jo.
i love my dad. (sometimes)
i love my mom. (sometimes)
i love my school. i'd die if i wasn't able to go to school every morning.
i love waking up at 5:30 each morning, either to get ready for school or to go for a jog.
i hate it when i feel like shit.
i hate it when i embarrass myself.
i hate myself. (sometimes)
i love Fall Out Boy. i'm usually so numb to everything around me, and the first time i heard them i felt really happy and it was a nice change.
i love having a friend. i mean, an actual friend. even though it's only one.
i love destroying my life or reputation.
i hate babysitting.
i love having more money in my purse than my family has in the bank.
i hate being poor.
i love having over $300. it makes me feel powerful.
i love my The Patrick 2.0 mint polo.
i love my Marauder hoodie.
i hate having a big hole in my ceiling.
i hate always having a huge puddle on my bedroom floor because the hole in my ceiling is right under the upstairs bathroom.
i hate how i always fuck things up.
i love how i loved being crazy.
i hate not being able to sleep.
i hate not being able to eat because there is no food in this house fit to consume.
i love winter.
i love fire. i am a pyromaniac. the floor in my room is made of concrete, and i sometimes pour rubbing alcohol on my floor and set it on fire and watch it burn.
i love standing in the field behind my house in shorts and a t-shirt when it's pouring down rain. if the rain is freezing cold, it's even better.
last night i got one of the worst phone calls ever.
my ex-boyfriend, ryan, broke up with me because he knew that i'd never be able to love him. and with his best friend dying, he just didn't want to go through anymore pain. last night he called me, and we talked and he begged me to love him. i'm only 14 years old. i dont need this. i told him that i was sorry. what else was i supposed to say to him? i dont know how to act when i 16 year old guy is crying on the phone and it kills me to know that it's my fault. then i started to stutter and say things that i cant remember... what am i supposed to do in a situation like that? it scares me when ryan acts like that. he always acts so calm, and for three months he was my escape, and i really wanted to feel something for him, but i couldn't and i'm sorry i'm numb to every feeling that a normal person has, and i'm sorry i'm a wreck and i'm sorry i ruined everything, but please stop expecting so much. i'm only 14!
yes. i am a stupid bitch who deserves the death sentence.
but you still love me right?
i get carried away and say things i dont understand or things i dont mean, and sometimes when i talk i lose myself and blackout and when i remember who and where i am, people are staring at me like i said something either so terrible or so incredible that they dont know what else to do. and i dont know what to do. it's confusing, and i hate it, but its me. and i'm tired of lying about everything and i'm tired of wanting to be accepted by everyone and everything and i'm tired of not being able to find the right words to say... please, someone say this makes sense. my life is just a disaster and i dont understand it. and my mind is a dangerous place and i get lost in it sometimes.
i know you think i'm just some stupid teenager who think's she's the only one going through stuff like this and i'm just dying for attention. but this is all how it is in my head and i can't help it. all i'm trying to do is show people how fucked up i am so they can decide whether i'm worth being noticed. i'm tired of making decisions and i'm tired of always making the wrong ones.
okay. life sucks, but i just realized a few minutes ago that it doesn't suck as bad as i though it did.
i just had one of the worst moments of my life. i'm not going into too much detail here. but i got really upset so i went downstairs. then i looked over on my desk and saw a pair of scissors and i went so far as to hold the blade up to my arm before i was like, "what the fuck am i doing?" and i dropped them and took a walk outside. that was probably the smartest thing i will ever do.
i still feel like shit and know that i am crazy, but at least i know i'm not that crazy.
i say whatever i want on here. i'm wanting to start over with everything, and be completely honest, and i think i'm pretty stupid for doing it all on this website. oh, fuck it. i figure i must love to make stupid decisions since i do it so often...
mentally and physically exhausted. time for me to have another nightmare.
And it doesnít even matter because I didnít even want this. I just wanted to understand the thing Iíve been avoiding all my life. I donít know how to love, mostly because no one has ever bothered to love me. All I ever wanted was to sit in a room with a bunch of cool people and actually belong with them. But things didnít turn out the way I wanted them to. It doesnít really matter to me; Iíll be fine. But Iím not going to just sit here and let you remind me that I messed up, that I didnít even come close to what I wanted. Iím not going to let you control my life. I can fuck it up by myself, thank you. Just leave me alone. Let me sit here and drown in my self-loathing, while you go and think about someone else. Just let me die in my own horrific way, rather than the slow torture youíre offering.
today... was nice. because i actually got a lot of attention. which i usually do not wish for. but i got it.
you see, the people at my school act very strangley to change. i usually dont wear makeup to school, but today i felt like wearing eyeliner. the result at the end of the day: three new friends and four new phone numbers. people make me laugh.
in a few hours i will be on my way to lori's house. lori was nate's girlfriend, and i am going to her house to "bond" with her. it was not my idea, it was ryan's. i really dont know lori, but ryan and lori were the ones that new nate best and ryan doesn't know how to talk to girls. so... yeah.
i think this boredom is going to kill me.
haile hasn't been at school yet. today i asked andrew if he knew where she was, and stephanie was listening and told me that john brown said that haile was in a motorcycle accident and broke her leg and fractured a bone in her arm. i dont know if john was telling the truth or not, but since he's in love with haile i think he might be telling the truth. i am looking out my window right now and i can see haile's house, and i have her phone number, but i refuse to call because i'm just lazy like that. and i'm not sure if she even was in an accident, but if she was i know she's going to me mad that i did call her... oh well. she has a ten second rebound rate, so it won't be that bad.
i just ordered me a ring, a jacket, a shirt, and a book. the total cost was $106.81. i love how things are so expensive these days. hehe.
my theme song: Heard That Sound
my favorite song right now: Modern Chemistry
"do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless?"
i sit in my room and look through some photographs. then i find this one picture. that one picture that beautifully captured my reality. that picture needs to be burned.
saturday i went to a friend's house. and she made me talk. she made me tell her everything. it almost killed me to tell her, but i need to learn how to be close to a person. after i told her everything, i made her tell me everything. now we're "bestest friends." haha. i wonder how long it will take me to ruin this friendship....
i began to hate him. then i felt like shit, because he did so much for me. i felt like he was i liar and that he's just want everyone says he is. but that picture... i saw the pain in his eyes, and i realized that i was just believing what everyone else said. the love is back. and i'm feeling strangely inspired. that is the best feeling in the world for me. to be able to write so truthfully, and not feel stupid is heaven.
exams are next week, but since i am in all the advanced classes, the teachers have not given me a lot of homework. so i am planning on spending the weekend somewhere other than my house. if i'm not able to go anywhere, i will just crawl into bed and pretend i'm somewhere else. that's always fun.
andrew keeps giving me hugs and calling me a punk. i can live with the hugs, but i cannot stand having someone coming up to me every ten minutes and calling me a punk. andrew likes bands like The Who and Chicago. good bands, but i like more modern stuff.
i need some sort of rating system. that would make things a lot easier.
oh yeah. All Left Out is a good band. if you haven't heard of them, you need to search for them or something. the band is from New Zealand. at NFT a couple weeks ago, the band members were walking up to people, asking them if they wanted to listen to their cd. i thought they were good. they're not as good as most of the bands in my cd collection, but they're worth listening to.
it's true. sarcasm* does not come through on the internet.
i've been thinking way too much lately. things have happened that have made my head spin faster than usual. my mind is racing, giving me headaches that medicine can't cure. i keep myself miserable for one reason: material. if i'm happy, everything i write is just some boring pop song. there are so many things i want to say to everyone... it's so frustrating! i know what i want to say, but i just can't say it. my body won't let me.
so i'm going to say everything on here. i've never been vulnerable. i'm going to actually use this journal, and see if it ruins me. it seems really stupid to give people i dont even know the chance to read things i've never said to my closest friends, but it's always been easier for me to do that. if i dont explain things very well, then you're just going to have to deal with it. because that's how it is in my head.
if anyone has a good headache cure, please, tell me.