The reality of having someone have to tell you over and over again that they will never be able to be the person you want them to be is a hard pill to swallow especially when you think that you're being reasonable in your expectations. Eventually it does sink in though after a lot of tears and sadness. Eventually you realize you can't continue to beat your head against the wall, you just have to move on and accept defeat.
I'll always love you and want the best for you, even if you don't want it for yourself. You are such a beautiful, intelligent, awesome person that it kills me to think you're not ever going to be mine again. I hope we can stay in each other's lives. You're my best friend and I will always love you.
Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know
Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.
Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...
But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...
Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.
This song reminds me so much of 1997 even though the lyrics are going through my mind tonight completely unrelated to that era. 2012 is such a let down already and we're nearly halfway through. Fuck. When is it going to get better or should I just be grateful for being happyish for the past two years and resign myself to a shitty existence for an undetermined amount of time to come? I guess you never know what you're going to get.
The new job is not stressful yet it's just so different than my last one that I feel confused about what I'm doing or if I made the right decision to leave. (That thread is not lost on me either.) I liked the camaraderie which grew out of a shared misery at my old job. I am not used to not having any friends at work or at home now. I see a few people once in a while but for the most part I'm attempting to throw myself into these forced social situations just to get out and talk to people but it's so fucking awkward and not me at all. Why is there no "Meetup" group for friendly yet socially awkward stoners who just want to hang out at someone's house and pass around a bong and watch cartoons and the Discovery Channel and documentaries about polar bears and have deep conversations about politics and nature and the idiocy of religion? Seriously, I would make that group happen myself if I wasn't afraid that it'd get busted by cops who have nothing better to do because our government is too fucking retarded to legalize the fucking shit already.
This is a brave new world of shit. I am sleepwalking through life. I wish I knew what you were up to. Actually I probably don't because you're probably a lot fucking happier than I am. I guess I'm glad if you are. I certainly wouldn't want you to be as miserable as this. I hope you are doing what you want to do and are making things good for you. I wonder if I'll ever see or hear from you again. I wonder if I'll ever get the strength up to take your clothing out of my closet. It's easier just to pretend it's not there than to touch it or god knows, smell it, because i know i would if i ever dared to take it off the rack and that would lead to even more misery I suspect. It has barely gotten easier and it's been fucking months. I'm cursed. I am dying for you to reach out to me. I don't know what I'd actually do or anything if you actually did but fuck i want you to make it better again like you always tried to do before. I always just thought you'd get some job and then everything would fall into place and I wouldn't have to pull the plug. I pictured us together forever until I realized that nothing was changing and I needed to get out just for my own sanity. When you would say things about growing old it felt like it was just inevitable that we would be together. At what point do I give up on us ever happening again? At what point do I allow myself to entertain the thoughts of you with another girl without it making me feel like puking my guts out? When can we be friends? When I ended it I had every intention of keeping you in my life. I still do, I'm just not sure when I can even consider that though. It's like the wound is still fresh. I know if I were to see or hear from you now I'd instantly want to go back to the way we were which would lead to the same issues again only now you'd resent me for these months of being apart. What a fucking mess I've made.
I'm pretty much disgusted with the human race and I'm not sure how to get over it. It's not like it's a new feeling for me but lately it's been more evident than usual what with all the (not new) garbage about not letting gays have equal rights, religion being used to make political decisions , destroying all that we hold dear environmentally for a quick buck with no forethought of how we're digging our own grave deeper and deeper with every shortsighted move we make. I don't understand why it seems like most people only partially give a shit about these things, if they give a shit at all. Why was I given the burden of caring so fucking much when there's so little difference I can make? I consciously have chosen to not have children because I don't think it's right to bring more people into a world of corporate/political/financial slavery and environmental destruction and I don't say it to be a martyr, I say it because I really truthfully would feel like such a horrible person for burdening someone else with this kind of life experience. I can't wrap my head around not caring about every little issue that I learn about and then feeling helpless as fuck for not being able to change anything. I can't stop wanting to inform people to try and make them do something. I don't obsess over the problems in the world like you might think but they're always there in the back of my mind waiting to escape when someone makes an offhanded comment that's only vaguely related. My only release is trying to educate people but it's futile.
I don't think there's anything truly wrong with me so I don't think it's exactly fixable. The only thing I can think of that would help would be to move away from society and media and corporations as much as possible in this day and age and sort of isolate myself from the reality of it all until I finally die. Fuck everything and everyone. This life sucks and I'm sick to death of having to live a corporate existence just to support having a roof over my head and clothes on my back and food on the table. What is the goddamn point of any of this shit??
I really wanted to put in the youtube for Days Away "The Fight" but apparently it doesn't exist so this is what I'm doing instead. Meh. It totally figures.
Don't wake the kids for tea
Be thankful their paws are clean
We've just sold our house for pennies
They'll be worried, just let them sleep
We will go to a town covered in snow
And settle down in a new home
Stand straight and tall
This is a misery that nobody wants
We're in control of this
Don't fear the fall
We've offered something that nobody wants
We're in control of this
Grab your T.V, books, and speaker set
You don't want to leave them behind
Letters, journals, pictures and thermals too
Remember who you are
Remember who you are
Remember who you are
Care for the ones you need
And maybe their hearts will grow
Stand straight and tall
This is a misery that nobody wants
We're in control of this
Don't fear the fall
We've offered something that nobody wants
We're in control of this
I just woke up from a dream in which you told me excitedly that you would be moving to NYC to study marketing and work in advertisement for the next two years and I sat there smiling quietly in an all white apartment while you attempted to feed me chicken soup. I didn't really say much but I smiled and understood and didn't cry even though the dream has left me with utter sadness now that I've awakened. You seemed so happy and determined and innocent and perfect. All I could do was smile and be happy for you but deep down I felt this part of my soul missing and I definitely had the understanding in the dream that you may have all the best intentions but I am filled with doubt about where I stand and whether I'll ever see you again. I may not cry every day now but I'm still missing you so much and want everything for you to be wonderful and perfect and never cause you any strife. You are filled with so much love and desire and beauty and intellect, you should be pursuing whatever you can. Maybe that's where my sadness stems from as well - seeing you not fulfilling all those things I know you're capable of. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I just want you to be the best for yourself. I still love you and will always love you, no matter what or where we are.
It's funny, I was having a fairly decent day all told considering I just gave my notice that I'll be leaving my job to take another one but my friend posted this on her facebook. I had been hearing about this song a lot lately but never actually heard it until just now. I guess I'm still having a fairly decent day/night but this song made me feel shitty because I guess it kinda hits a nerve. Life is really weird right now. I am such a fucking mess. One day I'm happy, the next I'm miserable, and then you get a day like today where it's just so fucking surreal it's like it didn't really even happen. I don't even feel like I'm the same person I was a month ago and that is not a good thing. I know it will all get better soon but right now it's chaos. I need certainty and stability and routine. It's so empty and lonely and weird to not spend nearly every waking moment connected to another person in some way. It only feels good a little bit. It feels mostly bad though.
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh
But you didn't have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough
(oh)
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody
I think the original sung by Sinead O'Connor is still far more powerful and hits me like a ton of bricks but there's something nice about this cover, despite Dustin's brief fuck-up and the complete irony that the person who inspires me to dwell on this song despises Dustin Kensrue and the rest of Thrice or at least their music tremendously.
I can't stop crying. I know it's been weeks since we broke up and I should be getting better but I'm not. I'm in so much pain. I'm so fucking lonely now. You were the only thing keeping me going and I didn't want to admit it but I don't have a choice at this point. And yet, I can't go back to the way we were. I was a prisoner. I know you loved me as best as you could and I know that I wanted it to be enough so badly and I couldn't make it so. I have been trying to distract myself from my feelings with the weed that is now running low and the throwaway boys that talk to me and don't mean a thing but when I take away those distractions I'm left with pure and total misery and longing and wondering what I could have done differently to have made you love me in the way I needed and deserved. I'm so worried about how you feel now but don't want to think about how I feel. I don't want to feel anything.
I daydream about holding a bolt gun up to my head and just pulling the trigger and making it all go away. I'm not to that point right now but I'm sure it won't be too many years off that I take the plunge and go for it, as sad and sick as that may seem. Life just hasn't turned out the way it was meant to. Time is slipping away and I'm left with nothing to show for it.
I'm so lost and empty. I just want to disappear and make it all disappear.
"Fate" by Lydia
It's just, it's just I can't seem to fall asleep these days
And you can't seem to stop digging this grave
'Cause you were only eighteen at the time
And I was holding up these streets just fine
Come on, oh, come on
Place me on your scene and I'll take
Everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
But day after day after day
I call that fate
Oh, darling I've been thinking about you
And you are thinking how much fun it was
Filling up our lungs
But don't you just see what's happened?
Yeah, we never stay lonely, come on
Place me on your scene and I'll take
Everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
But day after day after day
I call that fate
(I can't bare to see you)
Place me on your scene and I'll take
(Staring at the ceiling)
Everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
Day after day after day
I call that
(I can't bare to see you)
Place me on your scene and I'll take
(Staring at the ceiling)
Everything that you ever said to me
No, it wasn't just words
(No, it wasn't just words)
Day after day after day
I call that fate
it's much harder to be positive than negative, at least for me, so instead of only blogging when I'm miserable I'm going to try try try to blog when i'm happy too.
life is great, i can't complain. i have nearly everything i could ever want. i'm not sure when i've felt that way before but this past year has definitely made me feel this way despite its ups and downs, i've never been happier with my life. thank you jordan for making me understand what true (completely reciprocated) love really is.
It's kind of funny how the blog post I wrote in October could have been written today. Nothing's changed, I just keep ignoring it like our issues will just disappear but they don't, they just get worse. I know I'm supposed to do this but fucking hell, I'm so weak. I am so addicted. I can't keep living this way and justifying it all. Why can't you just fix this??? :(
I'll fake it through the day
With some help from Johnny Walker Red
Send the poison brain down the drain
To put bad thoughts in my head
Your two tickets torn in half
And a lot of nothing to do
Do you miss me, Miss Misery
Like you say you do?
A man in the park
Read the lines in my hand
Told me I'm strong
Hardly ever wrong I said man you mean
You had plans for both of us
That involved a trip out of town
To a place I've seen in a magazine
That you left lying around
I don't have you with me
But I keep a good attitude
Do you miss me, Miss Misery
Like you say you do?
I know you'd rather see me gone
Than to see me the way that I am
But I am in the life anyway
Next door the TV's flashing
Blue frames on the wall
It's a comedy of errors, you see
It's about taking a fall
To vanish into oblivion
Is easy to do
And I try to be but you know me
I come back when you want me to
Do you miss me, Miss Misery
Like you say you do?
fuck. everything is spinning out of control. i set myself up for this but i selfishly just wanted to be with you and now i'm drowning in tears alone on Christmas. i don't know what to do. with every apology i hear i see no changes and now i find out that you don't even trust me even though i've done nothing to instigate this. i'm not sure what to do. i know i'm supposed to end things but i don't think i'm strong enough to do it and so i'll justify the fuck out of not doing it to myself and will continue this twisted roller coaster ride. nothing is going to change with you or us, is it? I'm really just postponing the inevitable and the thought of that breaks my heart to pieces. i must somehow bring this shit on myself but fuck if i know how or why.
i'm such an asshole. such a weak person. i apologize when someone fucks me over. constantly. i forgive and forget too easily. i'm a fucking doormat because i'm so afraid of rejection even when i'm the one who should be doing the rejecting. i think i have to break up with you because i deserve better than this but i'm scared of being alone, scared of never finding anyone else as charming or attractive or well-groomed who actually wants me. i like the closeness that i feel when i'm with you but i hate feeling like there's some pieces to your puzzle that i will never find. what the fuck is wrong with you? honestly, i'm so confused. relationships are all about compromise yet i don't think you compromise in the slightest for me. i don't think you want a girlfriend, i think you want a girl who adores you and doesn't challenge you at all. how can you go through your life settling for the path of least resistance? why do you not think you're worth more than that? it's only a matter of time before this is over, i'm sorry to say that but i know it and i'm pretty sure you know it. i can feel it and i feel like i'm going to be the one to pull the plug. if i wasn't so weak i'd do it now. i love your smell, your touch, your kiss but is that all we're good for? how can you not want more from me than that? why do you bother to call me your girlfriend? do you even dare to tell your family or friends that you have a girlfriend? i honestly don't even think so. our conversations have weakened because we don't do anything. why can't we go someplace? how is this normal? i'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary. i just want to be with someone who wants to go out once in a while. no place fancy, just anywhere. something's not right. it's like you're hiding something. it's like you're hiding me.
and all of this will stay here in a blog post because i'm too much of a pussy to actually confront you because i know you and your temper and your rage and your unwillingness to listen because you're so insecure and afraid and broken. this is hurting me more than you know. you've singlehandedly put a rift in my relationship with my mother because she's seen your flaws since the beginning and hates you without ever knowing you. i defend you because i care about you and can see your good through all the weirdness. something's not right. i deserve better than this. that's what everyone tells me. i know it's true but goddamnit why can't you just open up and prove all of them wrong? why don't i deserve that from you?
i miss talking to you, you fucking asshole. it's like you fell off the planet or something. it makes me uneasy. i hate change. i hate loss. i hate the feeling that i'm always chasing something that i can't have. i thought i was happy for a minute but i was wrong. you knew it was going to happen exactly like this. come back here. make it right. what exactly have you got to lose?
Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Well take apart your head
Take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred
Goodbye to love,
Well it's a ride that'll push you up
Right against the wall
(Right against the wall)
Chew it up and swallow it
You're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right
Goodbye you liar,
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
Then you think you will inspire
Take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
Take apart the demon, in the attic to the left.
(goodbye my love)
You're brought back but you're running
(goodbye my love)
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
(goodbye my love)
I can't shake this little feeling
(goodbye my love)
I'll never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in
You're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
Well you're my favourite bird and when you sing
I really do wish you'd wear my ring
No matter what they say, I am still the king
And now the storm is coming, the storm is coming in
I decided to write this because i thought maybe my personal struggle with severe clinical depression as well as moderate anxiety and my eventual discovery of how to cure or at least alleviate the symptoms of it without the use of pharmaceuticals might help someone. Yeah, it's kind of personal but hopefully it inspires someone to think outside of the pharmaceutical box.
To preface, I was officially diagnosed as clinically depressed starting at the age of 14 even though i definitely had a low grade depression for most of my life prior to that diagnosis, I took Prozac and Buspar for a few years (with shitty side effects that I did not appreciate - no sex drive anyone? ugh.) before switching to 5-HTP (an amino acid responsible for helping build serotonin, no side effects at all) which I was taking for at least 8 years (it worked pretty damn well on its own) and doing pretty okay for the most part on it. For the past 6 months or so through the addition of vitamins and other supplements I began taking for general health reasons, not specific to my depression, I have gotten to the point where i don't need the 5-HTP at all anymore because the supplements and diet which I maintain strictly about 85% of the time (nobody is perfect!) have completely eliminated the need for it.
It might sound silly to take a bunch of different supplements when the 5-HTP was working but it's a totally different feeling now of being way way healthier than I was on either the pharmaceuticals or the 5-HTP. I actually feel like I'm not just maintaining a level of 'not particularly depressed but 'not particularly stoked' on life either. I'm actually *not* internally depressed in the slightest now and haven't been for months, which is practically unheard of for someone who's dealt with lifelong depression. I am not saying that there isn't the possibility of external depression, but it's a completely different animal altogether, which if you have real depression, you most certainly know the difference between.
Anyway, that's sort of my back story. Here's the recommendation that has worked amazingly for me:
(btw, i hate being a commercial since that's completely not my style, but i actually love the company I posted links from a lot and recommend them completely. It's the only place I buy my pills from because they're cheap, have amazing turnover, and are insanely fast, but I don't work for them or anything, you really don't need to go there but they're really good. If you use this code if you order from iherb you can get $5 off: RIK781)
here's articles about every supplement i take so you can see the science behind this. It really works, and these vitamins can be used in conjunction with pharmaceuticals, just make sure that you still see your doctor and make adjustments if necessary. Don't forget to tell your doctor what you take in addition to your prescription as vitamins and amino acids whether taken in a pill or consumed in diet, do affect your body chemistry.
All of the supplements I take daily are used to treat depression and anxiety but provide a huge variety of other health benefits as well. Since taking this stuff, I have been 100% better (seriously) and all of my depression symptoms have pretty much disappeared. I am healthier and more energetic and feel so much more productive and happy it's an incredible change.
I combine the use of these supplements with a healthy diet that does not contain much if any processed foods. Eating a diet which is unhealthy affects your body chemistry whether you want to admit it or not. I am extremely aware of the negative feelings I possess when I eat a lot of processed foods/refined sugars. You might think I'm being ridiculous but seriously, if you go for an entire week (or longer) without eating flour or refined sugars (whole fresh fruits are fine) you will notice a complete difference in how you feel when you go back to eating the foods that your body is not meant to have. Listen to your body. Your mental and physical health are not exclusive. You are one person, consuming healthy food provides cleaner fuel for your body to run on. It's not rocket science. I eat mostly organic vegetables, fruit, whole grains/legumes (oatmeal, lentils, beans) and wild caught (never farmed) fish for extra protein. Sometimes (not often, because of cost) I eat (organic, free-range) chicken and (grass-fed) beef but it's pretty rare. Of course I occasionally eat unhealthy foods, but it's only once in a while because i've figured out that i feel (and look) much much better when i don't consume refined sugars, processed foods. Once you stop eating them, you lose all interest in consuming them (i swear). You don't have to change everything all at once to see real improvements, just by making small changes over time can lead to feeling much much better (improved energy, mood, skin, motivation).
I doubt anyone will read this blog but if you do and you're interested in learning more about this stuff, please hit me up. I really love this sort of thing and would be stoked to chat with you or anyone about it.
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