i lay awake in bed composing what i feel is the most eloquent blog post in my head and then finally motivate myself to leave the warmth of my bed because sleep is just a distant want, yet i get here and those words float away into the abyss and i'm left with a feeling that you should already know everything i want to say, which is probably not the case.
i think i'm pretty happy right now. i mean, my life is generally good - i quit my shitty job finally, got a nice local chill one that pays about the same (not great but decent), got rid of the negative influences in my life, and am finally doing the things i've wanted to do but didn't have time for previously. sure, it could be better, i'd love to sell my house and move away to go back to school to pursue my dreams of making this world a better place through sustainable agriculture and nutrition, but i'm trying to be patient and settle in here a bit since i don't really have any other choice at this point so i might as well make the best of it.
with the changes i've made in my life, i have come to realize that my inherent negativity and jadedness had made me a bitter unhappy individual. it's so easy to look at all the bad things that happen and succumb to that energy. i'm consciously working toward appreciating and propagating positivity, which might sound stupid (being jaded is cool, right?) but i don't care, this world could use a bit more happiness and light. i don't always get it right but at least i'm trying.
i think i've learned a lot in the past few years. i've made some serious mistakes that i wish i could undo and i've done some things that i'm extremely proud of and never thought i could accomplish. the baggage of regret is something i never wanted to carry with me through this life and yet here i am, with it strapped tightly to my back, weighing me down daily despite my best efforts to remain hopeful. i don't believe that anything is static and i fully intend to exercise my demons and regrets sooner rather than later. i don't care what it takes, believe me, it will be done.
this was honestly not the blog i had intended on writing by any means but apparently this is the one that felt it needed to be written above all else. it's not eloquent and it's pretty self indulgent but it is what it is. i'm a bit rusty at this i guess, and those words i wrote in my head while laying in bed made me extremely vulnerable, a feeling i'm not sure i'm quite ready to open myself up to once again.
so i leave you with this, i don't know why, just because...
Nothing's happened but I still shake
I'm running out of time here.
And I'm not worried but I won't break
if you scream.
You say that you feel safe-
It means nothing.
Believe me, not because I want you to.
If I say this,
It shouldn't matter if we both fall down.
I was hoping now
That maybe I could make you come around.
I've been trying hard.
And the last thing that I said I meant.
But then I said I felt lucky and didn't mean it.
Believe me, not because I need you to.
If I say this,
It shouldn't matter if we both fall down.
I was hoping now
That maybe I could make you come around.
I'm calling on angels.
They're coming down
to find it's all...
I'm calling on angels.
Just to figure it out.
They'll find it's all, it's all around.
sitting in the Orlando airport right now. My flight was supposed to have taken off an hour ago, but instead of being in the air flying, my flight is delayed for another hour...at least. The weather is good, there is no logical reason for this delay other than the fact that I have the shittiest fucking luck on earth. I think about quitting my job on a daily basis, if not hourly. I was supposed to be home next week but no, I just got a call that I'm supposed to be away. Go fucking figure. The week of Thanksgiving. I'm losing my mind, it shows in my face, in my actions, everyone can see it. I'm not happy. I have such a hard time putting on the fake face of happiness. Coworkers can smell the air of desperation that floats around my head, wanting, no needing, desperately to get out of this for my own sanity. I'm about to go ballistic. I fucking hate the airport. I hate my life. I would kill to get out of this right now. I'm completely losing my shit. I wish i had the strength to leave. That's all i want. just give me some fucking strength to tell these people i don't need them or their money. Save my rapidly dwindling soul.
"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years! And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce...
And they say there's no fate, but there is, it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead, or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right, but it never comes. Or it seems to, but it doesn't really.
So you spend you time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along, something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel cherished, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is is, I feel so angry! And the truth is, I feel so fucking sad! And the truth is, I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long, I've been pretending I'm okay, just to get along!
I don't know why. Maybe because...no one wants to hear about my misery...because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen."
chemical reactions, electrical responses to specific stimuli. such innocent catalysts with which to make the critical decisions that affect our lives in seemingly insignificant ways, but one false move and you're down a path you never intended to follow. critical decisions made in the blink of an eye can cost you for the rest of your life and there is no getting back those moments. no rethinking what could have been done differently. we can only move forward, we can never retrace our paths. only the most foolish would even attempt to do such a thing. be brave, go forward, taking responsibility for each and every neuron that sparks into the unknown. there is no rewind only play.
i was supposed to go see them next week at Bonaroo but that isn't happening for me because of lack of money and lack of time in my life to get other things done, but that's the way things work lately. anyway, animal collective is so freaking amazing, this is a great live video.
i woke up this morning having a realization that truly makes sense to me.
love is having the ability to put someone else's need for happiness above your own and being completely content in that choice.
it doesn't mean you love them any less, in fact, you probably love them more than you've ever loved anyone if you can have enough selflessness to make sure they are doing what makes them happy, instead of doing things for you.
it sounds so simple, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when i woke up and that was the first thought that crossed my mind. i had a comforting dream in which i realized that the choices i make do not only affect me. i don't think i've ever wanted someone else's happiness more than my own, ever. it's a weird thing to think about honestly.
i'll be content just knowing i've done whatever i could to allow you to be happy.
i had a moment today while standing alone in the break room of a bank in Tampa, Florida that i seriously considered stealing a photo of a group of teens with down's syndrome. i have no clue why this photo was randomly pinned to the cork board in an otherwise blandly decorated break room amongst the coffee maker and outdated utilitarian breakfast room furniture but there was a part of me that was dying to take it. i pondered this for a bit before eventually chickening out, thinking that they'd probably realize that it was someone from our group of consultants who took their beloved photo of retards and would never invite us back to do another review. but now i really want that photo. it is burned into my mind, waiting there like a trophy i'm meant to win. i'll be back there in the morning, and i'm sure it will be calling me once again.
once again i'm up at an hour that's even more ungodly than it needs to be. apparently revelations only come to me right before i go to bed, and don't settle down enough to allow me much-needed rest. so i'm up, succumbing to the tumultuous feelings that surround my head and my heart. i feel like such a fool and i have no one to blame but myself. i feel like someone popped my balloon that kept me safe and elevated above the hard, cold earth and now i've hit the ground harder than i had ever planned or imagined i could. there are things that i want to unthink, unfeel, unbelieve, but in my heart of hearts i know i can't and i'd be an even bigger fool if i chose to ignore them. i don't want the confirmation that it meant nothing and never meant anywhere as much as i thought it did. i don't want to believe that, yet i'm starting to get the feeling that i should. i should believe that this will never be, that it never was. what a fool i have been. what a fool. please just let me sleep and let me forget. i need to forget. please just let me forget.
Climb up a mountain, just to watch it come down
But sooner or later babe, you're gonna need me around
'Cause you're getting older, there ain't no stopping that
It's a backstabbing world honey, just lean your head back
The fool in me
It's like a dream, you see
But if the world is right
I'll drive all night
And meet you there someday
Six in the morning, never felt so sweet
Just put on Lucinda baby, and dance with me
I know I'm hard to count on
Forget half what I'm told
You probably only know my voice from
A goddamn microphone
The fool in me
It's like a dream, you see
But if the world is right
I'll drive all night
And meet you there someday
It's a fuckin' waste
A teenage taste of me
But if Daddy cries
Just say goodnight
And I'll come
If I could change
I'd keep away the rain
And the sun would shine every night
And I'll come meet you there someday...
The fool in me
It's like a dream, you see
But if the world is right
I'll drive all night
And meet you there someday
Meet you there someday
Meet you there someday
Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....
It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.
I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.
All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.
Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...
Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.
It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.
It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.
i'm tired and sad and sober and i miss you. i'll probably regret posting this in a few hours, but until then i'll just write because i can't think of anything better to do. maybe i can, maybe i should sleep. maybe i should do something more productive but god i want so badly to tell you that i miss you and i feel like i have to specifically state that this has nothing to do with the ridiculous Hallmark holiday that apparently occurs sometime this weekend. I could care less about that. I've never been one to care about that sort of garbage or recognizing anniversaries or any of that shit. if you're happy, you're happy, that's all that matters, not what date you first met or kissed or whatnot. that's probably why i don't give a shit about marriage either, it just doesn't seem necessary when you and they know that things are right. anyway, that's not the point of why i'm writing tonight anyway. i don't really know the point, to be totally honest. i just know that i miss you and not having you in my life sucks. it sucks. that's the least eloquent, most accurate way i can even say it. i feel like such a sappy fool crying over you still, missing you like this when i know you don't feel even a quarter of what i'm feeling, especially not after this long. a quarter is probably being generous if i'm going to be completely genuine about it. i can't twist your arm to include me in your life, but god i wish by some strange stroke of luck that you cared enough to want to be in mine. i wish you could just tell me something, anything, without any walls up again. shit, i'd be happy if you just spoke to me at this point i guess. i don't even know what else to say, i keep writing and erasing things, over and over again. i have things i wanted to tell you, but when i think of them, they sound so stupid and trite and meaningless, but god, you are always on my mind. still. i'm not sure what to do at this point. this isn't healthy for me and i'm sure you probably think i'm a freak for caring this much. maybe i am. maybe i've built you up to be someone you aren't, but i have a really hard time believing that. my life was so much better with you in it, that's all i know for sure.
Two thousand and seventy three , two thousand and eighty four , two thousand and ninety three , light years ahead you and me gone be getting down on a space bed.....we gone get married in june....we gonna be getting down on the moon, light years interplanetary forms on the get down star wars interplanetary funk......still getting down ......music won't have no race only face... peaceful face.... all the time on this trip stuck inside my mothership i can tell on your face that you really wanna stay SPACE FUNKY SPACE........peaceful space..certain place wait till i feel cool.....HEY BABY lets get in the groove.........Don't you look like somebody i met a long time ago i know i aint ever met you though oooh you look like ive been knowing you for a thousand years gosh ooh i don't know what's happening you know im really involved but i been checking you out you know uh getting some other reaction seems to me though that we been together here we supposed to be together COME ON BABY let's go peace loving and check out this new smoke naw this thing i got it aint classified as dope smoke i got from venus have had it all week it's getting old come on and try this new thing with me baby ...too cold....come on now baby lets take off clean get in this sin machine and rock it rock it rock it rock it hey little baby let's magnetize magnets makes the love rise baby oooh sugar lets get some more why do i feel like ive been....with ......you .....before shoot me baby with the creator lots of peace and lots of fun......everybody he created having lots of fun lets move the party over to star 1 .......allrite everybody we're moving now to come in for our landing here PLUTO all of you who are in group A send you over to the pludatarium to get plutotized know you can dig that and the rest of the group B i know yall gone have a ball BUT HEY little MIss Bird song come here YOU FOLLOW ME......come on baby come on down come on baby come on down (LETS RAZZMATAZZ AND ALL THAT JAZZ LETS TOUCH EACH OTHER LETS TOUCH EACH OTHER LETS RAZZMATAZZ AND ALL THAT JAZZ) {Repeated over COME ON BABY over and over} come on lets say what we mean put our hearts into the real machine . say YEAH say Yes......STOP........well it's been a fantastic trip ( yall cut it out) Come back next week player it's FUNKYFUL everybody get your heads together be right here on time all we gotta say is TIME FOR THE COUNTDOWN we gonna count down zack we going you ready? 1 fun 2 you 3 me 4 more 5 no jive 6 no tricks 7 we in heaven 8 everything is straight 9 FINE..... TEEEEEN! next week we'll do it again! OWWWW!!!!!!!
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