it's fucking crazy how your life can go from calm and peaceful to "oh fuck i might have cancer so uhm i need to just go do a bunch of shit".
that's where i'm at right now.
fucking cancer, you've got to be kidding me, right?
what things would've been like if all the negative crap never happened?
i always have to analyze things anymore and pull the "what if?" card
i hate that i've been doing it so much
and i hate that now i'm constantly questioning everyone including myself
maybe i don't want all of this right now
i honestly don't know
Do you ever feel like there's a continuous black cloud over your head?
Like it just won't go away no matter what you do?
I've had one since about February and the damn thing won't leave me.
I've dealt with everything from stalker-type boyfriend, manager fights, best friend gone psycho, grandmom nearly dying, aunt/uncle being complete crooks.
One thing I wasn't able to deal with fully happened last night: dad having a heart attack.
They say that you only get thrown at you what you can handle; uhm pretty sure I really haven't been able to handle much if not any of this really.
I'm laying on an old couch in my grandmom's house at 12:08am bawling my eyes out because there's a chance that if I do in fact fall asleep at some point, I could very well awaken to my grandmom passing away.
My heart is aching right now, I haven't felt so heartbroken for her in my life.
I wish her peace and rest but in doing so I'm finding I can't seem to have my own peace and rest.
I've been told this is the best for her and I keep pounding it into my head that it honestly and truly is.
I just can't come to terms with it right now.
I'm afraid to fall asleep yet, I'm so tired my eyes hurt not only from crying but feeling so sleepy.
I wish I knew how some people handled death so well, I would love to have the strength to do so.
But here I lay; the ticking of her clocks as my soundtrack for the evening.
For the most part of last year I kind of gave up on the music scene,
I stopped going to shows, stopped really caring about new bands and just stopped listening to music as a whole.
Flash forward to now:
I'm in the process of healing a broken heart, in the past 3 months I've managed to see Person L, The Starting Line (sweet brag), Valencia, Thursday and a slew of local bands.
I've got NFG/STD in a few weeks, Bamboozle for sure, maybe some Envy on The Coast and I'm not missing Say Anything when they go back on tour in the spring.
But that's not the real reason I'm writing this blog.
I wanted to put it out there that music really does mend broken hearts.
It's not just a figure of speech, something that really doesn't have meaning beyond the words.
It's funny too how certain bands can relate to you in a way that they never have before.
I've had this song on repeat for days:
I'm finally finding the things that make me the happiest in life; music is easily one of the top three.
i welcomed 2010 with open arms stating it was going to be my year.
the year i turn 21, the year that i make changes for myself; go back to school, settle down with the partying phase and try to find my other half.
i'm beginning to think that 2010 maybe isn't going to be my year, its going to be the year that my life is put into perspective.
yesterday one of the most important people in my life was put in the hospital with congestive heart failure.
i guess i always kinda look at my life and think "nah, nothing bad can happen to me; i'm a good person, those kind of things don't happen to me"
in the past 24 hours my friends and people i haven't even really talked to have come to me and made sure i was okay, it's amazing how fast people get together and just can make horrible situations like this feel better.
to be completely honest i am absolutely terrified of the next few days, at any given minute there's a chance i could get that horrible phonecall that will completely wreck me.
i keep reminding myself that this is a part of life, part of growing up.
these are the kind of things that help shape who we are, age us and make us who we are in the long run.
we as humans sometimes take on this persona that we can make it through anything and handle whatever is thrown at us
but when it really comes down to it there's just those moments where you don't want the next day to come, you don't want to sleep because it means when you wake up the next day happens.
i felt that way last night, i was terrified to get into my car and come home to sleep.
when i opened my eyes this morning i shut them convincing myself to go back to sleep, nothing can happen to you when you're in the dream state.
well here i sit now, fully awake and about to go into work.
i just keep reminding myself i can do this, i have an amazing support system.
i just need to keep that plastered into my head.
this is life, this is a part of life.
Oh hi there, I 'm Maddy.
I'm a huge fan, have been since I was about 13 years old...I'm going to be 21 in May.
I just watched the dvd and it brought back some good times for me. I remember hearing of you guys online for the first time , I think it was actually on mp3.com which is now purevolume.
I remember making my mom drive me to the mall to get a copy of the AP that you were on the cover of and then carrying it around with me everywhere for about a month because I just wanted to show everyone this band that had honestly taken over my life.
I actually even have the full page article about you guys from the Intelligencer, I actually think I might go get that framed now.
There was that one time that you guys played a VFW show I was at and I nearly had a heart attack because I had no clue you were even supposed to be there.
I can't forget the first time I actually met Kenny pretty sure I cried and made an ass out of myself but hey whatevs, I had gotten fired from my first actual job because you were playing an in-store in Philly and my boss wouldn't let me take off, so I just didn't go in and got fired. By the way thank you for that because that job was fucking horrible.
All I can think of is when I hear anything off of Say It Like You Mean It, is my entire high school career, it takes me back and makes me happy and sad and all those emotions anyone would have when hearing an entire cd that sums up your life.
It's so fun to look back and see how completely different we all were and to now where I'm actually an adult and not some creepy 14 year old thinking Kenny was the hottest thing on the earth because of his bleach blonde locks, yeah I went there.
I remember exactly where I was when the hiatus was announced and I totally cried because it felt like a piece of my past was over, it meant no more of seeing The Starting Line with my best friends and screaming to play Classic Jazz or Leaving.
Just fucking thank you for being the soundtrack of my teenage years, as cheesy and heard so many times probably but I'm sure anyone who's ever said that has meant it completely.
I'm so stoked though for you guys though you're all doing your own thing now and that's great. I am slowly becoming one of the biggest Person L fans, I'm proud to say I was at the first show and have only missed two of the local shows.
I was at the release on Monday night and it just felt like home seeing everyone there together and then hearing those same songs again made it a complete full circle. I will whole-heartedly admit I cried like a baby during the set and had a small heart attack at the even mention of a possible holiday show, that's all I would look forward to for Christmas in the past and now that possibility is back? Oh fuck yes.
So anyways, thank you for being the incredible band that took over a good portion of my teenage years and I hope one day to see you again, full band and be that 14 year old girl again, singing my heart out with hundreds of others.
This was easily probably on the best/funniest nights of my life and I just want to thank Kenny for it.
My best friend and I ended up getting drunk on the train then chugging the rest of our wine on a park bench.
Trying to get the surprise of the show outta Kenny and failing.
Drunkenly looking for Charlie Day, yeah we tried.
Being part of a horrible drugdeal that led us on a wild goose chase throughout Philly.
Finally getting to the show JUST in time for Person L.
Kenny and Mike playing a couple songs as The Starting Line and me crying like a baby.
Passing out on the train and being woken up by the conductor to only be told the train wasn't stopping at our station.
Wandering around 5 miles from my car at 1am smelling of alcohol.
Finding a cop and getting a ride to my car.
Getting to my bed.
By the way, not sure if anyone sent it in I'm assuming so but Kenny basically said there's going to be a holiday show this year!